"Dungeons & Dragons" Review

NOTE TO READERS:

I'm double-dipping by using this to update both Revenge of the Gamer Chick and The Seventh Row Movie Geek, so bear with me...

To those of you who came here from the movie review page: This review is a little different from the others; it was written mainly for people in the roleplaying game community, so there might be a few in-jokes and other references you won't get. You have been warned.

To those of you who came here from OOC: In case you hadn't noticed, yes, I also write movie reviews for my site. If you like what you see here, keep in mind that you can get more of the same on other movies at The Seventh Row Movie Geek.

Now, on with the review!

And now, because I know all of you are wondering...Yes, I saw the D&D movie the other night, and this is what I thought of it.

"Dungeons & Dragons" is one of those movies that is so egregiously bad, I almost balk at devoting an entire column to expounding on the overwhelming nature of its badness. I wasn't expecting great things from a movie based on a game (although I play D&D and enjoy it thoroughly, I also realize the material the writers had to work with isn't exactly the Great American Novel), and after hearing the none-too-kind things my fellow gamers had to say I was almost dreading it. Still, this movie has surpassed even my expectations to become the greatest heap of crap to make its way onto celluloid since I don't know when. Yet despite all this, I actually (gasp!) had fun watching "Dungeons & Dragons."

The main character of "Dungeons & Dragons" is Ridley (Justin Whalin), who is apparently a chaotic good fighter/rogue. Yet he's gotta be decked out with Skills & Powers options or something, because Ridley is also Das Uber-D&D-Character! I mean it, there's nothing this guy can't do! Ridley is the kind of character made by ill-adjusted teenaged male munchkins, the kind that unbalances an entire party by stealing the spotlight. The effect on the movie is similar, and no one but Ridley gets to do very much. If I were in a campaign like this, I would smack the DM, tell him he was letting a twink take over his story, and not come back until he learned how to run a game. I could do the same to the writers and director.

The supporting characters are, as mentioned before, horribly underused--but that's not necessarily a bad thing. First there's Ridley's sidekick and fellow thief, whose name is (honest to God) Snails. The credits claimed he was portrayed by Marlon Wayans, but as soon as he appeared on screen I turned to my friend and whispered, "Jar Jar Binks!" The resemblance is astonishing, really (and will somebody please donate several million dollars to the NAACP in this poor actor's name?). I don't want to ruin things for anyone still waiting to see this turkey, but do allow me to say that in the end, justice is truly served to Snails. The rest of our so-called heroes are a young mage, Marina (Zoe McLellan), who in the not-so-great tradition of fantasy heroines exists only to provide a love interest and scream charmingly at the appropriate interval (as my friend put it, "This is what happens when couples game together"); a dwarf fighter whose line, "You need to find yourself a nice 250-pound dwarven woman" almost but not quite salvaged this movie for me; and Norda, an elf who I think was a ranger or something (and it's a good thing she only had about two lines, since she is quite possibly the worst new actress I have seen in a very long time).

The plot has something to do with the young Queen Amidala, I mean Empress Savidia (Thora Birch--did I imagine how great she was in "American Beauty?" Because she doesn't display one shred of talent here), whose empire is about to be overthrown by some big, bad mages. (What's up with plagiarizing "The Phantom Menace," people? If you're going to rip something off, at least take it from something good.) Meanwhile, Profion (Jeremy Irons, who speaks in a nearly incomprehensible growl, spouts mock-dramatic lines like "Now it's your turn to die!" and is generally more pathetic than scary), a chaotic evil wizard, wants to rule the world by recovering a scepter of red dragon control (or something like that). Problem is, our heroes have the map which will lead him to the jewel which will allow him to activate the scepter. (For those of you who are scratching your heads and thinking that's a bit too complicated: Yes, this is the the way D&D campaigns are run. Get used to it.) So Profion (whose name sounds like some new anti-impotence drug to me) sends his trusted lawful evil lieutenant, Damodar (Bruce Payne), to vanquish our heroes. From there on the whole thing is kind of a lame excuse to exchange crappy dialogue in a gorgeous setting (Prague), surrounded by some not-too-bad CGI dragons, until a really bizarre ending that I wish someone would explain to me brings the whole mess to a screeching halt.

Now allow me to talk about Damodar for a moment. Bruce Payne was a good sport, really. Because not only is his character a bald dude with an alien brain slug (don't ask) and BLUE LIPSTICK (so when he puts on black vinyl armor he looks vaguely like a 13-year-old girl on her way to her first rave), he gets handed the movie's worst dialogue and still somehow manages to say it all with a straight face. I've gotta hand it to him--even when he had to hiss things like "But I can SUCK!!!!" while CGI alien brain slug tentacles protruded from his ears, he somehow still managed to keep that half-intimidating, half-constipated look all the while. Not a single smirk or snicker, although my friend and I were rolling in the aisles. Bruce Payne, I think you just became my personal hero. And yes, you most certainly can suck.

But wait, there's more! Because I am the Gamer Chick, after all, I do need to take a moment to expound on the truly awful way "Dungeons & Dragons" depicts its female characters. *begin rant* There are only three women in this movie. Empress Savidia displays a little bit of spunk, but has a part so small as to be completely unimportant. Marina has more to do, and in the beginning seems to be a promising, strong female lead--until she turns out to be utterly passive and useless in combat or any other tense situation. In the scene where Ridley was fighting Damodar and she was just standing there and staring stupidly, I wanted to shout, "Get off your butt and cast magic missile, girl! It's guaranteed to hit and it doesn't have any material components!" In the end, she existed only to be rescued by the men...wow, what a great message for a movie that ends with a speech about equality! And don't even get me started on Norda. WHAT IS UP WITH THE ARMOR?! Is it really necessary?! For crying out loud, watch the "Alien" saga if you want to know how to write a strong female character without all the "Xena: Warrior Princess" crap! (Ellen Ripley did not need an anatomically correct breasplate to kick ass!) Every time Norda was on camera I wanted to shout, "Hey, Crappily Acted Elfy Chick! Take some of the money those thieves keep bragging about and go buy yourself some plate armor that DOESN'T come complete with ERECT METAL NIPPLES!" (Or at least tell her to cover up!) Hey writers--I didn't notice any anatomically correct metal codpieces on your male characters. So why don't you put down your pencils and not pick them up again until you get rid of your ridiculous and sexist notions, or at least learn that no female fantasy character in her right mind would wear ANYTHING like that godawful armor? *end rant*

While watching "Dungeons & Dragons," I was struck with a very bizarre sense of déjà vu. I have been in gaming groups that ran campaigns with plots this dreadful, and played with fellow gamers who made characters like these. In my group, we laugh at these kinds of people but don't kick them out right away; instead, we guide them through the character creation process until they come up with a character who's more balanced and actually has a personality. I think that's a good metaphor for this movie. In particular, Whalin and McLellan show real promise as young actors and are only hobbled by the dreadful writing, and some of the visuals are excellent. Don't get me wrong--I still think that if I'd spent 2 hours gaming with my friends instead of watching this movie, we would've told a better story and I wouldn't have had to spend $7. I'm just saying that this movie also isn't the utterly hopeless piece of drek that so many critics made it out to be.

Because all in all, I really did have a good time watching "Dungeons & Dragons," in the same way I enjoyed "Army Of Darkness" and "Mars Attacks!" It'll never be the equal of those movies for sheer gleeful badness ("D&D" takes itself far too seriously for that), but I had a great time poking fun at this movie (although I think we annoyed the rest of the people in the theatre--oops). And as a gamer, this hit close to home for me; it's the little things, like trying to blend into a crowd by wearing black cloaks and looking creepy, or taking the time to steal everything you come across, that made me say knowingly, "Oh, been there, done that." But if you're not a gamer, and you don't have a very high tolerance for bad movies or silliness, stay far, far away from "Dungeons & Dragons." The Verdict: I can't wait for the video...it's been far too long since my friends and I did our last homemade "MST3K" episode... 2.5 out of 5 for gamers, 1 out of 5 for everyone else.

And now that we've got one movie based on a roleplaying game under our belts, why don't we go about filming some other RPGs and doing a better job with them? "Vampire: The Masquerade: The Movie" would probably do well at the box office. I've always thought Angelina Jolie would make a good Toreador...ditto Milla Jovovich as a Gangrel. Al Pacino could head up Clan Ventrue, and Russell Crowe would make an excellent Brujah. Who knows, maybe some of the cast members from the old "Kindred: The Embraced" TV show could even come back and do cameos. Then give ILM a bunch of sourcebooks and let them run wild for a couple years working out the special effects--imagine the gasps from the audience when Johnny Depp, playing the Tzimisce primogen, first unleashes the awesome power of Vicissitude! And David Fincher was born to direct "Shadowrun: The Movie." Grab Bruce Campbell and Carrie-Anne Moss to be the head shadowrunners, get the Chemical Brothers to provide the soundtrack, give the screenwriting duties to Quentin Tarantino, and presto! Oscar bait!

Actually, on second thought...forget I ever suggested any of that, okay?

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A note to Eric, who was brave enough to see this movie with me:

As much as I wanted to call this column "Some Motherf***ers Are Always Trying To Ice Skate Uphill," I decided against it.

Let's do this again when "Werewolf: The Apocalypse: The Movie," starring Kay and Hans, comes out! (c;