"Do You Like Scary
Movies?"
(10/30/00)
As
much as I really didn't like the movie(s) I took the title of this
column from, I have to admit that, yeah, I enjoy being scared, and I'm always
delighted when a movie can do so. So in
honor of Halloween, my very favorite holiday, here are my thoughts on a recent
"scary movie" and some others that are never far from my mind.
My
most recently viewed horror film (I use the term loosely) would be the
oft-insulted "Book Of Shadows: Blair Witch 2." I'm a huge fan of the original (you can read
my review here)
and was thoroughly disgusted when I heard Artisan was making a sequel (you can
read my rant about that here), so I REALLY
didn't want to like this movie. But you
know what? I kinda did.
That's
not to say "Blair Witch 2" kicked me around and changed the horror
genre the way the original did.
(Nothing could.) I could tell it
wasn't going to from the first moments of the movie. The in-your-face, "shaky-cam" cinematography of the original
is gone, and with it any immediate, visceral impact this movie might have had. The first 5 minutes also contain more blood
than the entire original "Blair Witch Project," which also told me a
few things about what to expect. And the
plot is far more conventional: Five young Blair Witch devotees (none of whom
could act their way out of a paper bag, may I add) go into the woods with attempting
to recreate the experiences of Heather, Mike, and Josh. After consuming approximately their entire
body weight in alcohol, they wake up with five hours of their lives unaccounted
for--gee, I wonder why!--and spend the rest of the movie trying to figure out
what happened and killing one another in inventive ways. And to be completely blunt, I wasn't scared once. Director/co-writer Joe Berlinger has a tough
act to follow, and he simply doesn't measure up to Myrick and Sanchez (on board
as executive producers). He resorts to
kinky sex and gory violence in an attempt to duplicate "The Blair Witch
Project"'s shock value, and fails.
Having
said all that, I still don't feel justified in blasting this movie to pieces
the way a lot of critics have been.
Considering it apart from its predecessor, it's a fairly decent horror
movie--nothing spectacular, but a fun enough midnight diversion. And even considering it under the shadow of
the original "Blair Witch" (and not taking it too seriously), it
still has its moments. The writers
manage to get in some clever digs at marketing and capitalism (Get your
official Blair Witch rocks! Blair Witch
dirt!), and at people who think "Blair Witch 1" really happened. And I don't feel as though I utterly wasted
my time or money. But in the end,
"Book Of Shadows" can best be symbolized by comparing the two cameras
used to shoot "The Blair Witch Project" with the mountain of
high-tech camera equipment that features prominently in this film. It's hipper, it's more high-tech, it's fun
to play with, but does it still feel real?
You decide. The Verdict:
Scared to close my eyes? Nah. 2.5 out of 5.
If
you're feeling cheated by "Book Of Shadows" and want one good frightfest
for Halloween night, allow me to recommend a few alternatives. If you're a science fiction fan, or just in
the mood for a good old-fashioned scare, may I suggest a classic in both the
sci-fi and horror genres, the superlative "Alien." This eerie, atmospheric tale, in which a
spaceship's crew exploring a strange planet discovers a deadly new life-form
that proceeds to pick them off one by one, will fill you with dread from the
start and keep you on edge 'til the very end.
If you doubt the impact this relatively simple story has, witness the
number of movies that have ripped it off since the '70s! And if you ask me, none of the slasher
flicks and so-called suspense thrillers this movie inspired, nor its many
unfortunate sequels (yes, I know I'm dumping on "Aliens" here--ask me
about that one some other day), have conveyed that sheer terror quite so well.
I
ascribe the success of "Alien" not so much to its somewhat thin
script as to director Ridley Scott's ("Blade Runner," "Thelma
And Louise," "Gladiator")
sense of style and spectacular eye for images.
His shots of the labyrinthine set pieces and bizarre planetary
landscapes (and, especially, the H.R. Giger-designed alien that has rightfully
become one of SF's most enduring images) are as breathtaking as any of his later
work. It's not quite as quotable as
"Aliens," but it's still a gold mine for pop culture references and sci-fi
clichés. (Every time I watch this I
wonder why she didn't just get in the escape pod and leave the stupid cat
behind...) But by far the best reason
to see "Alien" is Sigourney Weaver's portrayal of Ellen Ripley. In an age where most women in SF were helpless
bimbos or innocent Princess Leia types, Ripley defied all the stereotypes and
made an already good movie even better.
Hey, this woman is my personal goddess, okay? Deal with it! The Verdict:
I think it's very telling that this is the only movie to ever give me
nightmares... 4.5 out of 5.
More
in the mood for a gripping psychological thriller where the scares come from
within? There's always "Seven,"
or more recently "The
Cell." But while you're being
scared to death, why not enrich your cultural knowledge at the same time by
renting "The Silence Of The Lambs." Since this movie was based on a best-selling book, snagged an
armload of Oscars, and is beloved by critics everywhere, you probably know the
plot: While tracking a psychopath called Buffalo Bill, young FBI agent Clarice
Starling (Jodie Foster, delivering a great performance) tries to get
information from convicted, cannibalistic serial killer Hannibal Lecter (Anthony
Hopkins, delivering an even greater performance that should be seen by anyone
with even a passing interest in acting) and learns some none-too-pleasant
things, both about the things that lurk in a killer's mind and about herself. There is no aspect of this movie that is
anything short of excellent, so I'll skimp on the gushing praise that a million
other film sites probably do much better than I could, and tell you about the
fright factor.
Because
jeez, is this film ever creepy. It's
practically a case study in scaring the audience through the power of character
and dialogue. No matter how many heaps
of blood and guts and severed heads I wade through in other so-called horror
movies, none of those scares will ever match up to the moment when Clarice
walks into the jail and sees Hannibal Lecter standing in his jail cell--just
standing there, nicely groomed, calm, staring at her and smiling. He hadn't said a single word yet, and
already my stomach was saying, "Ah, thanks, this is a little too intense
for me...I'll just wait for you out in the car." That's the power of good acting, folks. Many other movies have attempted to
duplicate this effect, and (with the possible exception of "Seven")
none have really succeeded. So see it,
marvel, and be freaked out for days to come. The Verdict: "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a
nice chianti. (slurp)" *shudder*
4.5 out of 5.
But let's say that either you're not really into being scared, or you want a "horror" movie that makes you laugh rather than scream. In that case, the flick for you is "Army Of Darkness." But before you watch, let me warn you: THIS IS A BAD MOVIE. No, really, it sucks. In fact, it's so laughably bad that it makes "Blair Witch 2" seem like a great piece of filmmaking. The thing that makes "Army Of Darkness" worth my time or even a passing mention on this page is that director Sam Raimi and his cast of Z-list celebrities realize the sheer badness of what they are doing, and never once take themselves seriously. The acting skills (or lack thereof) of the supporting cast...the dreadful special effects that look like they were produced in someone's basement...the villain's fondness for spouting lines such as "I'll steal your soul!"...the nonsensical alternate ending (and the original isn't much better!)...Despite all this, I keep going back to this movie time and time again, and laughing myself silly.
This movie is a veritable gold mine of one-liners. The ever-popular "klaatu barata nikto" discussion..."Shop smart! Shop S-Mart!"..."This is my BOOM stick!"..."Yo! She-b*tch!"..."Good, bad, I'm the one with the gun!"..."Are all men from the future self-absorbed, arrogant pigs?" "Just me, baby, just me." The ultimate source of all this hilarity (and more!) is Bruce Campbell as Ash, the S-mart-working, shotgun-toting, always-improbably-prepared hero of "Army Of Darkness." It's easy to see how an entire Internet cult of personality has been built up around this guy; he practically exudes charisma and ironic machismo while blasting the crap out of zombies and making each crack funnier than the one before. So grab some friends, go out and steal some little kids' candy (oh, I'm just KIDDING!), and laugh your Halloween night away. The Verdict: Gimme some sugar, baby. 3.5 out of 5.
Copyright (c) 2000 by Beth Kinderman. This is my original work, so please respect it.
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