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| The Swellsboro Wiz | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Page Two | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| "Everybody loves a winner,except losers" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Vol.2, No.1, Oct.2006 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ______________________________________________________________________________ | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Letters to the Editor: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Insane Asylum Just Crazy | Nutz-Spredders Opens Up | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Editor: This is an open letter to the people who are planning the new Insane Asylum in Swellsboro... Are you people out of your minds? What kind of lunatics think that there is a need for such a facility in our town? Are you divorced from reality, delusional or just plain crazy? If you think that this is necessary, then you neeed to have your head examined. We already have the 3rd floor Rubber Room at our Doughboys and Swabbies Horsepistol, and we don't need any more nuts coming from God-knows-where to do God-knows-what to God knows whom. Why don't you just take your asylum back to Washbasin, NY, you mental cases. Best wishes. - Mae Eipleze, Swellsboro | Dear Editor: As Head Zookeeper for Nutz- Spredders Ministries of Washbasin, NY, I'd like to respond to some of the concerns of the Swellsboro residents regarding our planned Insane Asylum at the corner of South Ave. and Dribble Street. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| We at NSM have a long history of bringing dangerous lunatics to small towns, filling needs that need to be filled, making profits from the housing of disturbed individiuals and homicidal maniacs and helping small communities add to our coffers. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Our facilities are well insulated with sound- proofing materials, so that nearby residents, passersby, and people in adjoining counties cannot hear the pitiful wails, moans and screams of our clients. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| NSM only uses techniques approved by US Attorney General Alberto Torquemada to treat our inmates, and expect that we will be a valued addition to Swellsboro and surrounding communites. Besides, we've paid off your local Boro officials, so it's too late to complain, unless you'd like an extended visit to our facility once it's completed. Got it? Good. -Vic Frankenstein, Nutz-Spredders | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Public Eats Up Meowmix On Stage | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Editor: I want to add my applause to the throngs of well-wishers who have given bouquets of congratulations to Millicent Meowmix for her virtuoso performance as General Manuel Noriega in the current Alexander-Debbie stage production of "Panama,A Man, A Plan, A Canal", now showing at the James Center for Hams and Showoffs. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I attended the uplifting show about the trials and tribulations of the former Dictator, who is stretched thin between running drugs for the CIA and protecting Panama from the onslaught of American forces, and I was locked in, let me tell you. I was a prisoner of interest right from the opening scene, where Milly, as Gen. Manuel, tells Col. Deliver North, skillfully played by Coach Mel Amine, that a new form of cocaine is being developed by the CIA, called "Wack". | A Crown Of Horns For GWB? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Editor: Once again, the hateful leftists have spoken through their mouthpiece Veiniswollen President Hugo Agogo, and this time it's just outrageous. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| After being given our permission to use his freedom of speech, Agogo used his recent address to the USsmited Nations to call our President-for-life George W. Bush "Mephisto". Now I'd thought that I'd heard it all, but to call GWB names is just wrong. Agogo, who looks like a donkey's rear-end, is only spreading the lies also told by that harpie Hillary Clinton, who made her way to the top by sleeping with a former president, that vile piece of slime whose name I cannot utter, for fear of bringing the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse down to earth, thereby ushering in the end of the world. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Well, let me tell you, Milly's performance just cracked me up. If you want some real history mixed with zany songs, jokes and zingers, isthmus be the show for you. A real shortcut to hilarity, I must say. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I almost wet my depends when Milly sung her "I gotta face like a pineapple" finale to the Panamanian Army, aptly played by the Alexander-Debbie Children's Enstumble. I wish everyone could see the show, and I'm thinking seriously about taking out a third mortgage on my home so I can afford another ticket to the next performance. Bravo, Millicent. Who would have thought that a 103 year-young gal could do so well? -Charles Hoarse, Swellsboro | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I call on all Americans to offer unquestioning support to our wonderful Great Leader, and sacrifice a goat on his behalf at midnight, while reading the Bible backwards, dressed in black, covered in blood. It's the decent thing to do, unless you're a Liberal. God mess America. -Frank Lee Dum, Mooseland | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Damn Site Cheaper | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Buddy Boy Means Business | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Editor: Can you please tell me why the online version of the Swellsboro Wiz has not been updated for two years? I know it's a free site, and I should shell out the stinking dollar to read your paper, but I'm just too damn cheap. What do you have to say for yourself, slackers? -Iwanna Freebie,Ozzie | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dear Editor: Once again, you misspelled my name in your report on my latest arrest. You'd better get it right, because I know where you live, and I expect to get out on work furlough soon. I have a job building the security wing of the new Insane Asylum, and I expect I may escape, so mark my words. Use spellcheck, for pity's sake, or I'll kill you. My best to the missus. -Buddy Boy Bulmash, Blueroofe | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Editor's note: due to increased production costs, the paper version of the paper will soon be discontinued, and you'll just have to like it or lump it, so stop complaining, or we'll just take our ball and go home, whiners. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Editor's Correction: The name of Buddy Boy Bulmash was inadvertantly misspelled as "Throat-Warbler Mangrove" in last week's "Cop-Talk" column. The correct spelling should have been: "Spamitty Spam Spamitty Spam". We regret any inconvenience this may have caused Mr. Bulmash . | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Go to Page One | Go to Page Three | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Go to Swellsboro Wiz, Vol.1, No.1, Oct.,2004 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||