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Page Three |
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The Swellsboro Wiz |
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Vol.2, No.1,Oct.,2006 |
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"Awards can be bought, but accolades require payback" |
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______________________________________________________________________________ |
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Sports |
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Cop-Talk |
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No Leads in Baffling Crime |
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Savage Red Devils take 2nd Place |
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Barking Spiders next to Last |
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The Swellsboro Police Squad reported on dates unknown that unknown persons entered an unknown residence at an undertermined time and removed an undetermined amount of unknown goods of undetermined value. |
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The Swellsboro Savage Red Devils Foot-ball team pulled another near victory from the clutches of achievment as they proudly handed another win to the Ladyslawn Barking Spiders on Friday at the Splinter D. Bleecher PayPark in Ladyslawn. |
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"I really have no comment on the matter at this time," commented SPS Chief Bill Klubbe. "I just don't want to say," he said. "It would be wrong for me to guess," said Chief Klubb, "but it's my speculation that I don't have a clue" |
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The Devils really gave themselves a go of it in the fifth quarter, when Devils' Quarterback Biff Slammer ran the ball for 6 yards, for a new team record. The game's final score was 0-72, with the Spiders consoled by their win.. |
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Citizens are advised to use their own best judgement to protect against similar incidents, using the guide in this month's expensive glossy mailer from State Reprobate Pad Cooker, titled: "It's what you don't know that can't hurt you" |
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"Hey, the Ladyslawn team had nothing to be ashamed of," says Devil's coach Mel Amine."They played a good game, but my boys were just not better. You lose some, you get used to it." |
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Three Year-Old Boy Missing |
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The mother of three year-old Strayt Shooter, 4, reported on Monday that her son had been missing since Friday, and she was tired of putting paper on the floor all around the bathroom. |
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Warnings |
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"I've tried duct tape, but it doesn't work if it gets wet, and he likes his JuicyJuice," says Mom Missy, of Roaring Falls |
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Bridge Down, but not out |
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The Mooseland Township Municipal Authority and Bingo Hall Operators said that the bridge on Olde Root 69, now known as State Route 1234, will soon be known as Interstate 666, and will be shut down for the winter so the small road sign on the bridge can be repainted by a crew of twelve, sleeping six to a truck. The estimated cost of the project is Six- Hundred Thousand dollars, more if the price of beer goes up. |
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Births and Babies |
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Four Births Reported within last week |
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GIRL, ten pounds, seven ounces, by natural, painful, prolonged labor lasting 22 hours, something that her mother will remind her of when she is fourteen, twenty, and every Thanks- Giving from now until the day she goes to God, on Sept. 34th, at Doughboys and Swabbies Horsepistol, to Lotta Gilt, and her husband Katlic. No name has been chosen as of presstime. |
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Just a Reminder from Pad |
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Po. State Reprobate Pad Cooker's office announced on Friday, that it would be closed the day before, and that anyone wanting to do business with them should wait until a week ago. No license plate replacement or hunting licenses can be bought until last month, but should be available over the next July previous to the first one. |
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TWINS, Pat and Polk Yurpikels, both seven pounds, eleven ounces, at Old Nat Cole Hospital in Chow-dershead, on Sept. 4th., to proud parents Steeley and Twisty Cablemaker. No sex had been chosen as of presstime. |
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BOY, Eighteen pounds, one ounce, to Mrs. Bebe Jo Bulmash, on Oct.1st and 2nd, at Bluffburg Health Clinic and Tobacco Shoppe, Bluffburg. His father, Mr. Buddy Boy Bulmash is currently on vacation, according to the family, but has suggested that the lad be named "Baby Boy" A picture is shown below courtesy of the Bluffburg Tinkler, Lytoomee County's Number One Newsrag. |
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Danger of Gas Leak |
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Swellsboro GasCo has warned the public of several large pockets of natural gas, expected to ignite and cause massive explosions and many casualties, including livestock. This danger is imminent and this warning should not be ignored, at the risk of serious injury or death. GasCo officials recommend contacting Po. State Reprobate Pad Cooker's office in the event of an emergency. |
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A Point to Wonder: |
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"There's No Meat |
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In Mediocrity" |
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The Swellsboro Wiz is a parody, so don't sue me. Any resemblance to persons, places and things is intentional. |
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Twenty years ago today: Swellsboro Boro band begins instruction by Sergei N.Pepper |
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Go to Page One |
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Go to Page Two |
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thanks, paul |
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Go to Swellsboro Wiz, Vol.1, No.1,Oct.,2004 |
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