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The Swellsboro Wiz |
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Published without interruption since October 5th,2004 |
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"Censorship in defense of advertising money is no vice." |
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page one |
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VOL.1, No.1 |
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| $1.00 USA & CAN |
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| __________________________________________________________________________________________ |
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SWELLSBORO SCHOOL BOARD APPROVES SIN |
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SWELLSBORO- The Swellsboro Zone School Districk has voted to fund the new Homeland Scrutiny Initative directed at school-age children, mandated last month by the Federal Government in the No Child Left Act. |
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The program, the Student Interogation Network, or SIN, is designed to encourage honest information sharing techniques between the student and any law enforcement or intelligence-gathering government bodies, who used to operate Klan-destinely, but now have an office in the Stone Temple Waiter Middle School, next to the US Marines' recruiting office. |
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KERRY PASSES BUSH |
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SHAPED FOOTBALL TO AIDE |
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FLATLANDER INVASION REPORTED IN EQUALITY |
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Board President Olden Khrotchittie made these comments: "Even if the student isn't guilty of something, they'll tell us who is. They look innocent enough, but that's a common trait of someone planning the next 9/11. That's not gonna happen on my watch, no-sirree-bob". |
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| EQUALITY BORO- Numerous residents in the Boro of Equality have reported a recent invasion by varied strains of Flatlandus Flatulentus, known by the regional titles "Flatlanders or LeafPeepers". |
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| Multiple forms of damage to the community have already been reported, including lawn turf-jobs, smashed mailboxes, slashed credit-cards, plus stolen lawn gnomes, elves, and ornaments. |
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| Some locals blame the Equality Chamber of Tourism, who has put out food and drink for some of the pests over the years. Most experts advise against encouraging the species in this or any other manner. |
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LOCAL MAN STARTS BOWEL MOVEMENT |
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SWELLSBORO- Jimmy Thudor has a dream, of seeing Retired General Colin Bowel make a run for the White House. He wants to push as hard as he can, as fast as he can, from now until Nov.2008. |
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| Equality Boro Constable Heinie Skratcher admits that this problem has been occuring yearly, usually at this time. "We haven't figured out why they come here...perhaps it is their mating ground". |
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One way he has done that is to form The Push Hard Bowel Movement, in the hope that others will join him in his urge to gain Pro-Bowel momentum. |
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ROOSTER CROWS AT DAWN DAILY |
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"I'm confident that Colin will get behind this as we put the squeeze on", says Bowel Movement Coordinator Thudor. "The paperwork is almost ready, and we've got a seat on the Commission of Presidential Runs. We really hope to leave an act of lasting significance. I can smell victory". |
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| OZZIE- The feathers were flying last week when local drive-time radio personality for WWWI AM Dawn Daily made a public appearance at the 289th Ozzie-Mooseland Cowtipping and Chicken Chess Hullabaloo. |
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| While in the middle of a throng of fans and and well-wishers, the Former Miss Wydoncha County Sorghum Princess was presented with this year's Champion of the Chicken Chess tourney, Wayne the Really Big Chicken. |
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NEW ANTIQUE SHOP TO FEATURE OLD FOGEYS |
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| Regular attendees to the Hullabaloo know how intense the chess competition can get, so it was no surprise to them when Wayne crowed excitedly at the sight of Ms. Daily. |
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WYDONCHA- When Hiram Cheeper was a little boy. he wanted to be a fireman. He grew up to be that fireman, retired, and has now moved to The Town of Wydoncha, to open an antique shop full of vintage Fogey Fire Fighter firetrucks, turn-out gear, and old hoses. |
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Dawn Daily and Wayne will be making a joint appearance tomorrow at the PFC off route 13 in Ladyslawn. |
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The shop on Plain Street is stocked with items donated by his former fellow fire fellas, as Hiram explains: |
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GROUSE PATH IN GORGEOUS GORGE CLOSED FOREVER |
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"Most of the guys in my fire house took good care of their gear, but as time has passed, a lot of their old Fogey Firehoses have dried out a bit. We find that linseed oil with a drop of drain cleaner keeps them ready for display, plus puts a nice bright shine on our tools and helmets", adds Hiram. |
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| POTSYLVANIA- "I'm really sick of fixing this darn path just so tourists and nature can mess it back up again". And so it was, with those words, that Chief Trail Fixer and Shrub Straightener For Region 69 of The State Department of Paths and Trails, Wanda Weriam, set fire to the Grouse Path, igniting a conflagration that has blackened most of North Selfcentral Potsylvania. |
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SWELL, DARK AT NIGHT |
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This weeks's weather: |
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HOUSEHOLD HINT: Grab real tight and squeeze hard. Don't leg go and you'll keep hold as long as you need to. |
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| "It's a small price to pay for not having to maintain those dusty, dangerous pathways anymore", whines Wanda. "I just wanted to set beartraps for the flatlanders after a while. Better it should burn" |
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RESULTS OF LAST WEEK'S ONLINE POLL: |
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Who will you steal votes for on Nov.2nd? |
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TOTAL VOTES-8 RESULTS: BUSH-184 KERRY- 6 |
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GO TO PAGE 2 |
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Go to Vol.2, No.1, Oct.2006 |
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Editor's note: Only you can prevent forests. |
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