By Tony Daniels
Hello again. I�d like to let everyone know that on November 14, the Pine Oaks Neighborhood Watch will be holding a door lock check. That night at 7 p.m., Neighborhood Watch representatives, including myself, will walk the neighborhood making sure that all doors are locked, for safety. If we find an unlocked door, we will enter the house and begin trashing it. Refrigerators will be opened, china will be smashed, chairs will be overturned, and beds will be soiled. We may even steal select personal items such as watches, televisions, copies of the new Tiger Woods golf game for the X-Box 360, and other valuables, which may be claimed later from a box marked �Door Lock Check Stolen Items� at my house. If you are home during this time, do not be alarmed. The way you can tell that it�s a Neighborhood Watch test and not a real break-in is that we will not rape you.
This is an experiment, of course (not the not-raping, the door lock thing). The Neighborhood Watch group is hoping to institute these checks on a quarterly or even semi-regular basis. Your safety is important, and that includes being safe in your home. It�s important to remember that these checks are for your protection. We ask that you follow your normal evening routine in re: door locking. If that involves leaving your door unlocked, eating dinner, relaxing in a nice hot bath, or even going to the mall, please don�t lock your doors that night on our account. Otherwise our check won�t work.
Finally, I�d like to address the upcoming referendum on �colonial-style� streetlamps. As you know, the Neighborhood Watch fought long and hard to have the bike path lit properly, to make it safe for joggers and cyclists and such. However, studies by the International Journal of Lights and Lanterns have shown that streetlamps designed in the colonial style provide 17% less perceptible light than standard or �modern�-style streetlamps, less even than �underwater,� �jungle-style,� or �futuristic� streetlamps. That is why I must ask that if you value your neighborhood walk-about safety, you vote �no� on the streetlamp referendum on November 7.
So remember, lock your doors November 14, or don�t. It�s totally up to you. If you don�t, though, you�re in for spoiled food and broken dishes, but not rape.
Tony Daniels
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 4
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 3
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 5