Wishes, dreams & broken promises...
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12 Feb 03
>> Yuck... Life sucks!
Nothing much has been happening. I still feel as bad, my ribs still hurt and I'm still feeling tired. I went to the doctors again on Monday and I think he finally realises there must be something wrong. They're considering that maybe I had glandular fever and that's the reason why I feel as though my entire body has shut down. He still has no idea what could be wrong though because he just keeps telling me to come back in two weeks. Ew.. I really need to clean my monitor. Anyway, apart from me being ill life is pretty much normal and pretty much boring. Been writing Shadow Of A Girl which I think is coming along pretty well considering that I feel like shite! I'm not that far into it yet but the main thing is that I'm enjoying writing it and I don't really give a damn what other people think. You can write to please other people but in the end, if you're not enjoying it what's the point? That's what I say anyway.
The thought of school is really getting me scared, it makes my eyes want to cry every time I so much as think about it. I am so behind & so want to go back that it makes it even worse. I just want to feel normal & living a boring life again because getting up really late and watching TV all day is not my ideal way of living. I seem to have no friends at the moment, it's so depressing :( I guess the worst thing is that not one of my "friends" has tried to contact me.. except Sian that is, whom I must remember to text a.s.a.p. I wonder if any of my friends read this? I doubt it but never mind. Humm.. I really can't think of anything remotely interesting to say.
Hannah is still here and I doubt she's ever going to leave this time. My mum is talking about buying a house.. yes, a REAL house. She's gonna get one with 4 bedrooms if she bothers so that's cool :D. She's nearly finished writing her thesis, maybe another six weeks to go now and it will be done.. hooray!! It's been SO hard trying to live with that damned PhD of hers that when she's finally DR Bathgate I think I'll cry! I have so much to talk about but I can't really seem to write it down... I start a sentence but it seems to not make sense or sound silly so I delete it and move on to the next thing that pops into my head. Am i going crazy? Actually don't answer that one.
If anyone wants to be my friend and talk to me, please do, I feel so lonely!
08 Feb 03
>> Bored, bored, bored!
Argh I feel ill & tired. Today I woke up at 3pm & I'm still sleepy, my mum went out to buy loadsa yummy foods for me, I was so pleased :) I'm really sad because I seem to have no one who loves me :( I'll just go on pretending everything is OK when really inside I feel awful.
I'm watching Casualty right now, it's good, but I don't want to be here watching tv feeling unhappy and unwanted! I need money and I need it reaaaaaaaaaal quick, I have NO money whatsoever and I need to spend so much :( I don't know what to do, my dad is going to kill me and he won't even let me explain :( Everytime I bring it up with my mum she just tells me she doesn't want to talk about it because I am a stupid irresponsible little girl :( Maybe she's right:( I should have thought about it and the consequences of my actions. ARGH life sucks, why is it always the things you really want that cost the most?? I just want to be happy & I thought it was what would make me happy but it's caused SO many problems. My life is full of way too many problems and I just want to get rid of them but they won't go away :(
I've been told I have to go to this kid thing called Full Of Beans - It's this woman who helps children with low immune systems and tries to make their life better :) I REALLY want someone to sort out how often I am ill because it's making me so depressed and I can't seem to do anything that makes me happy anymore :( I've missed so much school... Ugh.. I hate my life. I hate myself.
Posted by Sami [email protected] @ 21:06pm. Comment
07 Feb 03
>> Ouch! Love hurts!
So a new layout for piinksodapop. I wish it was that easy to get a whole new life. My life sucks, I wanna just curl up into a ball and sleep until nothing will hurt me any longer. I'm ill - I have some sort of thing in my ribs/chest which still remains unknown. I've had it for five weeks now and it really is getting me down, it's always hurting & I'm missing a lot of school because of it.
It's my dads bday on Sunday and I'm supposed to be going to his house this weekend but I really don't feel as though I'm up to it! The whole going to my grandmas being an easy day is definately not the way I see it. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain to him - maybe I'll get my mum to do it for me? Nah, I'm not sure I just don't wanna go.
I haven't really been sleeping all that well, maybe six or seven hours a night due to the pain I'm getting. I miss all my friends loads and even though I thought it would be impossible I kinda miss going to school. I miss hating it.
Hannah is back living with us now, she came about a week ago and it feels like she never left. She's still the same; sily, friendly, funny, bossy, cute. All the stuff she used to be except.. She's dropped the attitude! Yay! It's quite nice having someone else around to talk to other than my sis. Hannah has got so many more problems than I have; her mother, her school, her whole life is just a complete fuck up and I feel so sorry for her because none of it was her doing. Her mother is a drunk who would be quite happy to leave Hannah starve and her dad is just a twat. I'd die if my parents were like hers - I really don't know how she copes! At school she gets bullied which is why she's not going at the moment - they're trying to get her into a good school near here so she can make new friends but the social workers aren't pleased about doing that!
At the moment she's sleeping in my room, it's not that I mind terribly, I just hate the fact that it's now not only my space, I have to share it with someone else, I like to be able to have somewhere to go to get away from everyone, but I guess I won't have to put up with it for that long.
Nothing much left to update on, I made Ty a get well soon thingy, here ya go :) GET WELL SOON TY-TY :P
Posted by Sami [email protected] @ 11:31am. Comment
<--rewind