Michele and Margaret's 

"Perfect Christmas Present" 

Generator

Background from Wendy's Backgrounds

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

Nobody could find the right gift for their spouse.

"Should I get them a T-shirt or candy so yummy?

I know with my luck they'll get me something crummy."

Confused and disgruntled, they searched through the mall,

"Perhaps it is best to get nothing at all!"

But then from the rooftop there came a great yell,

From those champions of Christmas - Mags and Michele!

"Don't give up on Christmas!" they cried out with glee,

"We'll help you find something for under that tree!"

Be it candy or clothing, or (oh!) a vibrator,

You're sure to find something, with our GENERATOR!!

Answer the following questions, then press "submit."  The generator will perform a sophisticated analysis of your relationship with the prospective recipient, and suggest a gift.

Question 1: Did this person give birth to you and/or spend 18+ years raising you?

Question 2: Have you ever slept with this person?

Question 3: In the last six months?

Question 4: Were they any good?

Question 5: Is this person the mother or father of any of your children?

Question 6: Has this person ever put a restraining order out on you?

                                Question 7: Is this gift your way of perpetuating your delusional belief that you have a chance in hell of ever sleeping with this person?

Question 8: Have you ever unintentionally seen this person naked?

Question 9: Does this person have naked photos of you?

                            Question 10: Does this person deny having naked photos of you despite your full knowledge of their existence?

Question 11: Do you have naked photos of this person?

Question 12: Is this person your local representative in Congress?

Question 13: Has this person ever borrowed and never returned any of your clothes?

                                Question 14: Does this person have really horrendous taste, and you believe it is your obligation to enlighten them?

Question 15: Does this person wear socks with sandals?  We hate those people.

 Question 16: Is this person some relative whose exact relationship to you you're really not sure of, but you feel guilty and buy them a present every year anyway, and you're really running out of ideas now, since you don't know them AT ALL?

                Question 17: Is this some person who gave you a present and now you're obligated to reciprocate even though you hate them?

                Question 18:  Have you already given this person your heart, your home, your money, your support, and the best 20 years of your life, as well as doing ALL the chores AND raising the children, and now they want a f*#^ing Christmas present TOO??

                Question 19: Is this person an in-law who hates you despite the fact that you have done nothing but suck up to their whole stupid family since you met them?

                    Question 20: Are these people the blood-sucking scum who raised the wonderful person you married?

                Question 21: Will it amuse you to send this person a horrendously tacky gift in retaliation for something you think they did to you 20 years ago?

                            Question 22: Is this person someone you broke up with a year ago, who still sends you cards and flowers?

                Question 23: Have you been tempted to just give up and send this person a fruit basket?

Question 24: Is this person fruitcake-worthy?

Question 25: Is this person really your overly-pampered pet?  Come on now.

Question 26: Is this person really YOU?  We're so, so sorry.