We have an internal Table of Contents now, because I suddenly had spontaneous recovery of material from my Web Design course in high school and remembered how to do bookmarks.

SOPHOMORE YEAR

JUNIOR YEAR - TRINITY

JUNIOR YEAR - LONDON

SENIOR YEAR

POST-GRADUATION, 2004

2005, U.S.

2005, LONDON

2006

2007

2008

MOST RECENT UPDATE

SOPHOMORE YEAR

“I feel no shame about jumping on the Pats bandwagon. There are free reserved seats up front for all third-generation Red Sox fans.” - Grace, after the Oakland game.

“I’m extra pissed with a side order of mad.” - Lyah

“I’m looking for love, but I’m not about to pay for it.” - Lyah

“I like preaching to the converted. It’s easier.” - Margaret

“Or you could just call a matchmaker once you’ve picked out the dress." - Grace, referring to Margaret’s romantic prospects.

“Margaret should have been a man.” - Geera

“We used to have knights in shining armor on white horses - now we’ve got guys with piercings driving white cars.” - Margaret

Jillian: “I just wrote a song - it goes, `this is my life, this is my lliffffe, this is my liiiiiife!!’”

Margaret: “Wow, that could be the theme song for a show called, `This Is My Life’.”

Michele: “And Margaret wins the `Insightful Comment of the Day’ Award ...”

“My life’s ambition is to be an octopus.” - Jillian

“If I’m the highest link on the evolutionary chain, there’s something seriously wrong with the system.” - Jillian

“I exist solely for your amusement.” - Margaret

“Margaret, you’re priceless. Can we keep you around as a toy for the children?” - Grace

“I just got attacked by a pepperoni.” - Margaret

“A what? A purple orangutan?” - Jillian

“Most drug addicts I know are the sweetest people, when they’re not going through your drawers for money!” - Lyah

“AUGH!!! Oh my God, Playboy exploded!!!” - Lyah, upon seeing a picture of the interior decoration of Matt’s band’s studio.

“I don’t feel like talking to people with thick accents about credit cards right now.” - Grace

“This is the first of many scenes whose sole purpose is to establish that Mr. Darcy is a hunk-a hunk-a burnin’ love.” - Margaret

“Let’s not go running up to strange men in cars, okay?” - Jillian

“Oh, I’m so scared of your produce phallic symbol.” - Margaret, as Julia threatened her with a banana.

“Wait, why is Mr. Darcy in a carriage? Why isn’t he riding around the countryside being a hunk-a hunk-a burnin' love?"  - Grace

“God gave you the gift of singing the Law and Order theme song, and dammit, you’re gonna let that light shine!” - Michele

“Can they be Scottish Ninjas?” - Margaret

“I watch Sesame Street every morning, and it’s starting to get out of control.” - Jillian

“Now there’s a workout tape for middle-aged women - Frump ‘n Pump.” - Margaret

“Pump the Frump!” - Jillian

“Hey, they didn’t have a gratuitous shot of Drew Carey laughing unflatteringly.” - Michele

“I’m pathetic and lonely and desperate, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, but so am I.”

“You have a boyfriend.”

“But he’s mean.”

- Margaret and Michele

“I don’t know how many shots I had, but the newspaper said it was six.” - Geera

“Honey, I was trying to glue the hairbrush to your leg with the Clear Cut Nail Polish, and some of the paint from the brush stuck to your leg, and now it looks like you have leprosy. (pause) I love you very much.” - Matt G., to Michele

“Let’s kill Margaret for her cookies. Friendship is important and all, but I have my priorities.” - Michele

“If I had that bedroom set and wore those pajamas, I’d be invisible. Ha ha - I can’t take finals if you can’t see me!” - Michele

“If you want to get a girl to jump into a vat of hot chocolate pudding with you, you have to have clean ears.” - Nate

“A needle in your spine is better than a canteloupe in your vagina. Especially when it’s going the wrong way.” - My mother, describing natural childbirth vs. epidurals.

JUNIOR YEAR

"No, no, they're quiet, it's just - it's CONSTANT. They have sex ALL DAY."

“I am getting married to please ... let’s see ... my illegitimate children?” - Michele

“Great, my life couldn’t get any weirder. I have friends who have imaginary pit bulls, my teddy bears are having sex, my fish hates me, and my roommate is farting. Can I have a new life please??” - Jillian

“My brain is full, I need to be excused. And I also discovered today that I'm growing a second set of toenails.” - Margaret

“I like Skinner just because he puts cats in boxes.” - Michele

“Margaret, I think I have a ladybug in my eyelash.” - Jillian

“That would be ... bad.” - Margaret

“If any of the little so-and-so’s in the nursery give you any trouble, just smack them around a bit and they’ll shape up. Here at the Department of Children and Families, this is what we recommend to everyone.” - My dad, on his work telephone.

“Nothing says `home’ quite like a Death Chamber sign on your lighting fixture.” - Margaret

“I went on EBay to see if I can buy someone's soul. But all they have is soul music. I'm upset." - Margaret

“I don’t think you can meet someone and get married in three weeks. I mean, it takes about three weeks just to find the dress.” - Marion, at age ten.

“It wouldn’t be morning without good, old-fashioned sexual harassment.”  - Michele

“Maybe I should start sleeping with him.”

“You could give him doggie treats.”

- Margaret and Lyah, working on the concept of Skinnerian reinforcement

“I am the ideal woman. Why am I not pregnant?” - Lyah

“I just had to sit through another [Prof.] Wiseman lecture on anorexia, so bring on the cookies.” - Michele

“I couldn’t handle it if I had five children. I’d eat three of them. I’d have them draw straws and be like, `I’m sorry, Billy, you’re gonna have to go. You’re being voted off the island. You are the weakest link - good-bye.’” - Michele

“Yes, we’re going to have an attack hamster. On a leash. That’s the best part.”

“You need hobbies.” - Margaret and Lyah

“So I felt like doing something mindless, so I printed out the final major league team statistics, which include the runs scored by and runs scored against, as well as won-lost records. And if you square the runs scored by and the runs scored against, the ratio should be the same as the won-lost record, and this enables you to see which teams over-performed and which under-performed. So I put this all into an Excel spreadsheet ... so okay, it’s not totally mindless.” - This is all you need to know about my dad. 

“You cannot have democracy without free papaya-mango smoothies!”      - Margaret

Michele: What’s on TV tonight?

Margaret: Well, `Off Centre’ is on.

Michele: What’s that?

Margaret: That show ... with those guys ...

Michele: Oh yeah! That one’s funny.

“I got Dan and Will into drag in twenty minutes. And Dan has stubble!”  - Lyah

"Yeah, the bad idea fairy came to us one night, and said, `Hey, how about you major in Psychology?`"." - Michele

“Yay.  Our major ties into our neuroses." - Michele

“We did have a theme wedding. The theme was 'Rabid Episcopalianism'." - Mommy

“[This sound effect] could be Hitler's troops or, like, a cheerleading squad." - Michele, during a Social Psych movie

JUNIOR YEAR - LONDON

"We have officially founded the Harriet Vane Society. In a pub. Our motto will be, `as my Wimsey takes me.’ Or rather, `take me, Wimsey, take me!’" - Margaret, on Valentine's Day

"I’m going to kill you. Once I finish imploding." - Margaret, in response to Catherine's vicar-and-chocolate scene

"A nice pair of tits comes along, and next thing you know, you're mole-flipping in britches." - Margaret

"Don’t let me have more than three drinks; having more than three drinks convinces me I can river-dance. (thoughtful pause) I can not river-dance." - Catherine, on St. Patrick's Day

"The world is ending. Fancy a drink?" - Catherine responds to international crises

"Unfortunately, just when they were both naked and chasing each other around a field, it went horribly wrong."- You don't want to know.

"Alastair Campbell isn't bad-looking, and he's got that bad-boy appeal. In a ...political way" - Catherine at 1:13 a.m.

"Alastair Campbell is sex on legs. It's as simple as that." - Catherine at 2:57 a.m., several days later (click here to see what she means)

"So basically, Number 10 is just a nest of orgiastic desire." - Catherine

"It's bad when I get turned on by vague inversions of grammar." - Catherine

"Wouldn't it be funny if we were minorly injured, and - no, wait, that's not the funny bit!"." - Catherine

"Yeah, criticise our government if you like, but don't you DARE insult `Double Take'!"" - Catherine

"That's because `Double Take` is a hallowed institution defending our way of life - the American government is just some tosser impersonating the President." - Margaret

"Yeah, I think that for the sake of democracy, the Queen should personally bomb some shit." - Catherine

"I'm having flashbacks. Only this time, we have food. Which is a pleasant change from last time. When we didn't." - Margaret reflects on her progress in life.

"That's not our pizza. That's three Indians in a car." - Margaret

"I smoked almost an entire pack of cigarettes, drank more than I ever have in my life, and I think I licked the fingers of a strange man -"

"You did. I can confirm that part for you."

"And yet I feel no sense of guilt or shame."

"Well, neither do I, and I'm the one who actually goes to church." - Catherine and Margaret

“I don't know about you and your friends. You and your friends are kind of strange." - Mommy

"I mean, we've only known each other three months, and we're planning all sorts of things."

"Right - among them assassinations, the seduction of various political figures -""

"Cooking ..."

"Uh-huh, cooking -." - Margaret and Catherine

"Your sister is a constant source of entertainment for me. I want a "What Would Grace Do?" bracelet." - Lyah

"If the couple next door to us starts having sex again, we go out into the hall and cheerlead."

"Two, four, six, eight, show us how you procreate!!" - Margaret and Lyah in Rome

"You see, Peter Mandelson is the narcissistic bitch from hell.  He's fantastic." - Catherine

"All right, it needs to get dark out, so I can take off some clothes." - Margaret

“You know, I don't think I made it quite clear enough that when I said 'we should write something together.' I meant, like, a limerick.” - Catherine, upon completion of our novel.

“All right, ten quid says one a.m. finds us chained to the gates of Downing Street in our corsets, chanting 'hell no, we won't go!'" - Catherine, at the beginning of our last night in London

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SUMMER/SENIOR YEAR

“Yes, Marion, since the Church is all about suing people." - Margaret

"Yes! We'll get more money! We'll be out of a financial crisis!" - Marion, age 11

“Well, you raised her." - Marion, referring to Margaret

"No, she raised me." - Mommy's reply.

“I think it can be 'modify my adjective' because adverbs are very sexy." - Catherine

“If everybody got laid enough, there would be no politics." - Catherine

“Dip me in honey and throw me to the Democrats!" - Margaret

“I think I'm going to teach the dog to be evil." - Margaret

“I never lose. I just lure you into winning." - Lyah

“Come live with me and be my bug-killing love." - Margaret

“That's not Nick Burns, that's the Pope." - Margaret

“I know a Moldovan manwhore!" - Margaret

“I have a two-track mind - Tony Blair, and sheep. Two. Distinct. Tracks." - Catherine

““There are disadvantages to MAOI’s – you can’t eat aged cheese, or red wine –“ 

“Well, what’s the point in living??!!!” 

– Margaret’s take on Professor Wiseman’s lecture

“So if someone's suicidal, you could have them telephone a friend - what else could they do?" 

"Ask the audience?”

– ditto

“I know I'm hard to take seriously when I'm green ...” – Margaret

“As a loving sister, I can't quite bring myself to sell my brother as a foreign sex slave. Quite.” – Catherine

“Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter S – as in syphilis.” – Leah

“We took this conversation severely off course, rode the Purgatorial bus all the way out of there.”

“We hijacked the Purgatorial bus and made it go to Denny’s.” 

“There’s no Denny’s in Spain, but it doesn’t matter because we were in Siena.” 

“No, but there’s a Denny’s in hell.” 

“Anyway, to get back to where the conversation was before we took the Purgatorial bus all the way to Psycho-land …” 

– Leah and Margaret

“Yeah, then it’s more like, you see women’s underwear and a few minutes later, guards drag you from the store.” 

“And if that’s an arousing experience for you, then it works.” 

- Margaret and Michele, studying for Abnormal Psych.

“Wait, why are you leaving?”

“Because you don’t have farm animals on your pants.”

“Oh, so all these years I’ve been doing ‘cool’ wrong.” – Catherine, Leah, Margaret

"I had an idea, and you made ... you SCARED it!!" - Catherine

"Mexican workers' revenge for NAFTA" - Catherine defines "tequila"

"Yes, I have superior study skills, which I use mainly for looking up pictures of Tony Blair on the internet, and trying to figure out ways to get candy for free.  Brilliant." - Margaret

"I am my liver's dominatrix!" - Catherine

"There would still be fistfights, it would just be between Jesus and Pope Innocent III" - Adam

"We've got sheep-angel smackdown going on." - Grace, on Christmas.

"Nobody supplies me with any quality bourbon!!" - Cousin Molly, age 14

"From now on, the quality of each day will be measured by whether it begins with my nostril hairs freezing solid or not." - Me, in Montreal

"I feel hearty." - Catherine, in Montreal

"I could live for a long time off the meat off my Margaret-raft!" - Jon

“I would totally have sex with Professor Winer.  He’s the most adorable old man.” – Michele

“It’s hollow.  I think I smoked the filter.” – Catherine

"Margaret, I'm very sorry for killing and eating you yesterday." - Jon

“You were supposed to get the reserve Ninjas!  I got hors d’oeuvres!” -  Margaret

"Apparently, your sister feels she is not getting enough cock in her everyday movie-going experience."  - Dan

“You’re good, God’s good, where’s the booze?” – Michele, describing Old English Wassailing.

 “Come on, Thackeray, give us the cock!!” – Margaret, describing “Vanity Fair”

“Unless you’re going to give me a small country to take care of, I don’t need this petty bullshit.” - Lyah

“I need more cock in my everyday thesis experience.” - Catherine

"You know what would be a really bad name for a child?  Hegemony.  Can't you imagine that?  'This is my daughter, Hegemony.  And my son, Naval Blockade'." – Margaret

"Do people call you Maggie?”

“No.”

“Is that because you punch them?”

                        - Stephanie and Margaret

“I want to major in hamsters.” – Margaret

“You cause beautiful boys in period costume to be wet.  We worship you.” – Catherine

“I’ve discovered that reading a book about terrorism on public transportation gets you very odd looks.” 

- Catherine

"According to my grandmother, there are two kinds of people - Irish Catholics and the Godless.  Occasionally she'll make exceptions for other kinds of Catholics.  Like the Pope." - Catherine

"Think of all the trees I've saved reading the New York Times online.  And the gasoline to transport it.  And all the jobs I've destroyed." – Mommy

“You know, I can’t expect to keep getting by on the length of my penis alone.” – Matt G.

"It's not a good idea to wear your career choice on your belt buckle." - Michele

"Yeah, no more fishing with the foetuses." - Jude

"Not as bait." - Carter

“I mean, what is safe to lick on a man???!!!” – Catherine

“Margaret, you don’t say that when looking at naked men – ‘I’m just disappointed it doesn’t get any bigger’.” – Michele, while looking with Margaret at pictures of Rupert Graves with his kit off.

“The Crimean War was just a big mess, with people dying of gangrene and shit.” – Catherine

“There’s a really high incidence of homosexuality among penguins.  It probably has something to do with making sure there are enough males to take care of the young, even with the high mortality rate among adults.”

“I think it’s the tuxedoes.”

“And seagulls are all lesbians.  And bonobos, our closest relatives, are all crazed bisexual sex fiends.”

            ­- Mummy and Margaret

“That would be great – choose-your-own-adventure theses.  ‘If your results are significant, turn to page 26.  If your results are not significant, turn to page 34.’   ‘Congratulations.  You have made honours,’ or ‘congratulations, you are living in your parents’ basement in Queens ’.”

“It would be so sad if you became homeless due to, like, .001 of a percentage point in an ANOVA.  ‘Thesis Choose-Your-Own-Adventure: Rich successful Psychologist or Dirty Homeless Person?’  You could spend the rest of your life muttering about TUKEY tests and having people throw change at you.”

            - Michele and Margaret

“I’m an old-fashioned girl – I want my men to have been born with their penises.” - Lyah  

“If I could teleport myself, I wouldn’t be trying to catch a plane.” – Margaret

“She’s 84 and deaf, with a walker, but the last time someone said ‘fuck’ in her presence, she chased them down to the Catholic Church with a broom.” – Lyah

“My grandmother and Catherine’s grandmother should get together.” – Lyah

“Bail – the gift that keeps on giving.” - Margaret

“They paid her 8 dollars Canadian, which means you owe them two bucks and they kick you in the ass.” – Catherine

“I’m not going to tattoo the Sistine Chapel all over my body so that I get to go to Finland.” – Catherine

"The first baseman lodged a protest.  He said, 'I've got nothing to do but sit around contemplating the tightness of my pants'." - Grace, commenting on a defensive substitution at a New Haven Cutters game.

"Some of the things I'm doing these days are borderline illegal, but it's for research purposes." - Margaret

"Why does the mascot look like a cross between a bumblebee and a pig?"

"Because they got it secondhand?" - Grace and Josh, admiring the fine points of Independent League baseball.

“I have found my true calling, which is the building of hamster habitats out of empty kleenex boxes and toilet paper tubes.” – Mommy

“It’s called either ‘The Fisherman’ or ‘Lament for the Fisherman’s Wife’.”

“Let me guess – it’s about this fisherman dude, who goes off and gets himself killed, and his young wife …”

“You know a thing or two about folk music, don’t you?” – Margaret and Marion

“I don’t remember what a baby turkey is called.  So basically, my entire education has been in vain.” – Catherine

“Ah, we have cranberry juice!  You can solve all problems with cranberry juice!”

“Well, urinary tract infections, but probably not world poverty.”

“No one’s ever tried!!!!” – Catherine and Margaret

“Pitchforks tend to limit the level of reasoned intellectual debate.”  - Margaret

“Don’t hate me for this … but there were times when I was looking at you and wondering what I could sell you for.” – Lyah, discussing our Europe trip

“Or rent you.  Because I’d eventually want you back.  Because you had all the tickets.” – Lyah

“The Khmer Rouge?  Sounds like something you’d see in Paris!  But no.  Evil death people.  Not so much fun.” – Lyah

“Ooh!  Funny quotes from the hospital today!” – Catherine

"Margaret, when you are housesitting, bad things to say to the owner include, 'I cut a lot of holes in it and let the hamster poop in it'." - Catherine

“When he goes to the play, you know he’s getting some.”

“Hey, some people bring roses – some people bring … ass.  Actually, I prefer ass.” – Catherine and Lyah

“Yeah, my boyfriend’s going to be sitting in the corner saying, ‘I’m writing a song about the traumatising experience I just had with two women, a theology textbook, and a Molotov cocktail.” - Lyah

“She’d be a horrible prostitute, because she’s such a slut!  ‘Yeah, I want to be a prostitute, so I’m going to have sex with everybody for free.’  Way to go.  You’re Employee of the Month, yet again.” – Lyah

"So we had this patient, and he was in solitary, and he decided to stage a dirty protest.  And write a poem with it.”

“Did it rhyme?” – Lyah and Margaret

“You didn’t know that sticking a feather up your nose would tickle?”

“I believe in the scientific method!!  I want to see for myself!” – Catherine and Margaret

“You’re such a man! ‘No, don’t worry Margaret, I know just where we are!’  I thought the Other Side Of The State thing was an aberration, but noooo …” – Margaret, the second time she and Catherine got lost in the back roads of New Jersey

"Josh could be a femme lesbian trapped in a man’s body.” - Grace

“Yeah, why do I get the sense that in any lesbian relationship, you’d be the butch?” - Margaret

“Talk to me when you stop liking the Red Sox, and being aggressive and opinionated and getting off on watching two naked men –“ - Grace

“And the naked men fit into the lesbian thing how?” - Margaret

“You could be a gay man trapped in a butch lesbian’s body …” - Grace

“I wear lipstick.” - Margaret

Daddy (reading from the Bible): And John said, ‘you brood of vipers!  Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come?  And do not say, ‘we have Abraham for our father,’ for God is able to raise up sons of Abraham out of these very stones …

Margaret: And the people said, ‘John, you are so, like, not being supportive of my spiritual journey …’

“One’s facial hair should not make one’s chin resemble genitalia.” - Margaret

“Acla … alcho … aklo … why can’t I say ‘alcoholic’???” – Catherine

“You do realise that babies are people, right?” - Margaret

“Not real people!  They’re, like, seed people!!” - Catherine

“He just needs to come out of the closet!!  We just need to shake him!!” - Margaret

“Until the gayness comes out?” – Catherine

David: I’m sorry – I’m from the Midwest.  Go ahead, get all the stereotypes out.

Margaret: Are you Lutheran?

Sapna: Do you go cow-tipping?

David: Yes.  We go cow-tipping.  At our Lutheran mass.  It’s what we do instead of communion, actually.

Margaret: Except you just gave yourself away by saying 'mass.'

“Okay, let me just put the penis in the microwave …” – Margaret

“Shall we empty the dishwasher?  And then load it again?  Thus providing a symbol for the futility of life?” - Margaret

“You don’t want to end up saying, ‘Yeah, I used to have an inheritance … then I had some champagne …’ “

“ ‘Then I went out with Peter Mandelson …’ ”

“ ‘Now I have an arrest record …’ ”

                                    - Margaret and Catherine

“It’s Saturday night!  I want my Huns to be naked!!” – Elizabeth

“I have a penis of steel!!” - Elizabeth

"Wouldn't it be funny if while you were worrying about finding a father for your future children, I had a factory in the basement that was churning out, like, thirty of you a day?" - Catherine

"I teach the next generation.  He designs missiles.  And I make a quarter of what he does, if I'm lucky.  I'm going to go outside and kill myself with this fork." - Margaret

"The guy who designed that fork probably makes more than you do." - Jamey

"Fish.  What do they do?  They swim around, and then they die.  Great.  I could have put that on a screensaver and saved myself cleaning the cage and the burial at sea." - Leah

"It all went downhill once Sammy started singing 'The Itsy-Bitsy Spider' at the top of his lungs." - My coworker Kristen, explaining how naptime got cut short one day.

"I'm so freaking tired of work. 'Whine whine whine, I'm homeless'." - Michele, a case worker for the homeless.
"Seriously! Get over it, people!  We've ALL got problems!!" - Margaret

"I was considering opening a store called the Crack Emporium.  I could tell the police I sold thongs." - Margaret

"It's plotting against you. There will be more every day.  It will creep out of the refrigerator and ooze along the floor.  Then one day it'll be wearing little berets and reading The Communist Manifesto when it thinks you're not looking." - Margaret
"Dammit, only I can accidentally create regenerating Marxist-Leninist chili." - Catherine

"Hee hee hee penis jokes are funny hee hee hee ..." - Leah, commenting on the biting satire of the Capitol Steps.

"You are not showing the proper fear and respect for the Lloyd George dance!!" - Margaret

"Yeah, the Shakers weren't so much into porn." - Margaret

"I think I can get around it!!" - Lyah, referring to a lamppost in the parking lot.

"That's going to be on your gravestone, isn't it?  'Lyah Hallow.  'I think I can get around it!'.' " - Catherine

"Hmm, yours will read, 'Catherine Martin - 'No, I know exactly where we are!' ' And Michele's will read, 'Michele Della Latta - 'aw, crap'.' " - Margaret

"This hamster and I are sort of spiritual comrades." - My dad.

"Does it taste of pain?" - Michele

"Of all the affectionate nicknames I've had in my life - you know, 'darling', 'sweetheart', 'light of my life' ... 'germ-riddled bitch' - that one moves me to the core the most.  I flick water at you now." - Margaret

"I want to hang with Jesus.  He has the booze." - Lyah

"Yeah, I can imagine that.  'Hey, Mommy, your daughter was a runner-up in the Clean Sheets 'Sex and Politics' writing contest.  For this, she won a book of porn, which she keeps hidden on her shelf behind her teddy bear.  Aren't you just bursting with pride?' " - Margaret

"So you rode a horse whose mother or father was conceived in a kinky horse threesome." - Margaret

"My sister, the queen of gay porn." - Grace

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“You cannot base your foreign policy on ass.” - Catherine

“You could get takeaway delivered to the church – then you’d have chicken tikka masala and exorcisms in the same place!” – Margaret

“Kalluri Corner – for when you’re possessed by demons, and don’t want to cook!” – Catherine

“When your cock is in a man’s mouth, there can be a certain amount of flexibility in your verb forms.” – Catherine

"You'd smell bad and you'd be constipated!  I knew New Jersey sucked!" - Leah, commenting on the potential ramifications of our being without running water for three days.

“Citizens.  For me, it’s all about the cock.  Just putting that out there.  Merry Christmas.  God bless you.” – Catherine, imagining a Christmas proclamation from Queen Victoria

"I wake up in the night crying ‘WHY???’  And then I wake up the next night and cry ‘EMMM!!’  And then all the Village People come into my room.  And we have tea parties.” - Margaret

“We need to go to the God emporium, to get more God.” - Catherine

“The Labour government – days of ass and roses.” - Margaret

“Saint Sebastian – patron saint of blowjobs.” – Margaret

“Wouldn’t it be great if he were?  And then you could have a little icon of him over your bed, and your dates would be like, ‘oooh!’ “ - Catherine

“Let’s gorge ourselves like the bourgeois pigs that we are, and mock the handicapped.” – Catherine

“I feel sorry for the last two napkins left in Alcatraz.” - Catherine

“My nostrils are not freakishly large, upside-down-Frenchman-head!!” – Catherine

“I need friends who aren’t, like, Angels of Death.” - Catherine

“No matter how much we like the cock, we will never like the cock as much as gay men do – I mean, they’re MEN!!!  They love the cock since the moment they discover they HAVE ONE!” – Catherine does Sociology

“In order to negate any nervousness that you might have about these pictures of you and Dan, may I remind you that I am willingly bringing into your house a picture of my husband fellating an 11-inch dildo.” – Grace

“Yeah, then there was the bit where he didn’t take a nap at all on Monday.  Eight-and-a-half hours of pure unadulterated two-year-old, injected intravenously.” – Margaret

“Nothing says ‘ghetto-fabulous’ like a gay sugardaddy.” – Grace

“Well, we all have our ‘mind-reading priest in the belltower’ stories, don’t we?” – Margaret

Catherine: (channel-surfing)  Abmaster … Kofi Annan … Abmaster Kofi Annan!!!

Margaret: Learn to tango with Boutros-Boutros Gali!  Buns of steel with Hans Blix!!

“ ‘It was getting all nasty??’  You’re five!!  You’re like this big perverted five-year-old!!” – Margaret

“I’m sorry!  I wasn’t on the guest list for the gay sex in the Korean hotel room!” – Leah

"I need someone to make me look more masculine.” – Josh

“Ooh!  A challenge!” - Leah

“No, I think the highlight of your neuroticism in the time I’ve known you has been, ‘do you think raccoons will break into the house and eat the hamster?’” – Catherine

“Why bother with the sophisticated attention-getting device when the simple one is much easier and works just as well?” – Margaret

“… You BIT me.” – Catherine

“Every time a seventeen-year-old gay boy gets pierced, an angel gets its wings.” – Margaret

“What I’m afraid of is that civilisation will die out and then three hundred years later, someone will FIND this quote board and base a RELIGION ON IT.  THAT’S what I’m afraid of.” – Catherine

“We’re the paedophile IRA.” – Catherine

“Consensual … ooh, there’s a novel idea!!!” – Catherine

“I’m so good my vibrator pays me.” – Catherine

“We need to stop talking now, before we end up in Accentville, Herbal Counten, talking to our vibrators who think they’re pumas.” – Margaret

“You know what I find difficult to believe?  That there isn’t an entire subculture of pornography devoted to girls with head colds and PMS.  What with the runny eyes and the big Rudolph nose and the dry mouth and the swollen breasts and the irritability and the sneezing and the bloating … it’s like oozing sex.” – Margaret

“Or oozing something.” – Catherine

“You know where the REAL money is?  Girls with head colds and PMS … wearing RETAINERS.  I’m just a walking machine of sex.” – Margaret, five minutes later (putting her retainer in.  Duh.)

Margaret (having a conversation with her fork):  “Why do I get the feeling that I’m in a French surrealist movie?”

The fork: “Because you don’t drink enough.”

The Margaret and Catherine Flat-Hunting Special:

 M: “780 a month, gas inclusive!!  I mean, it’s probably three miles from the tube and someone probably got killed there last week …”

C: “And it’s infested with … “

M: “And they still haven’t quite gotten all the bloodstains out of the tub …”

C: “… dwarves …”

“I’m Egbreath Egbeater and I’ve come to have sex with your men!” – Margaret and Catherine try to remember the early monarchs of England

“Yeah?  Well, Plato can bring it on!!” – Catherine

“Did you ever hear of kids running around shooting each other when they had to work twelve hours a day??  They need less free time, not more!!  And we might as well make them productive members of society!!” - Leah

“Now we have a green snot-demon doing yoga in the living room, just because we have problems pronouncing our vowels.” – Margaret

“I am such a key-change whore.” – Margaret

Catherine, upon listening to “You Are My Home,” from The Scarlet Pimpernel.  “Yeah, this is one brother-sister relationship I’m never going to have.  With me, it’s more like, ‘you stole my car … and then had sex in it … and then left the country …’.” (Note: this is funnier if you know the song)

“I keep forgetting that you can drink it without vodka or champagne.” – Leah, when I suggested drinking orange juice for her head cold.

“She’s possessed by the spirit of Martha Graham.  Or maybe you should just keep the communion wine better guarded.” – Leah, commenting on the liturgical dancers at St. PJ’s.

“The whole world was behind us after 9/11.  It takes a lot of doing to fuck that up.” – Catherine

“And yet – we did!  With our plucky American can-do spirit …” - Margaret

“I’m sure there are KKK nudists out there.  There’s gotta be a chat room for that.  ‘We’re nude and we hate you’.” – Michele

“There’s a lot of paperwork involved in being postmodern.” – Margaret

“I am pink and evil!” – Margaret

“I’m clever.  The kind of clever that gets you smacked.” – Margaret

“Don’t serve me the brains of your lovers after you’ve had fights with them.  It lacks class.” – Catherine

“For ten easy payments of nine-ninety-five, you too can have stigmata!  Not sold in stores!” – Leah

“I received the stigmata too!”

“No, you got sprayed on the hand by hot oil.  Jesus did not die by having quesadillas spit oil at him.”

“THAT WE KNOW OF!!  The early church fathers could have covered it up!!  Because they didn’t think people walking around with tortillas around their necks would be fashionable!!”

“They would – many of the early church fathers were probably gay.”

“I mean, it would be like, ‘dude, we can’t have a giant tortilla at the front of the church!’.”

“Maybe that’s where communion wafers come from.  It’s a relic of bygone days.”

- Catherine and Margaret do religious history

“I just want to have sex with men and bats – is that so wrong???!!”

“… yes …”

“Why are you so judgmental of my lifestyle??”

“Because you’re fucking BATS!!”

“Fascist!!”

“On the other hand, I’m fucking moose.”

“Moose-fucking fascist!!”

- Catherine and Margaret do zoology

“Bad chocolate cake is like a cheap fuck.  You’re not satisfied and you feel dirty.” – Catherine

Catherine: “Sometimes I just have the urge to say ‘DOOOOOMMMM!!!!’”

Margaret:  “Then I shall put a stocking on your nose and pretend you are an elephant.” (does so)

Catherine: (has hysterics)

Margaret:  … “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment …”

“The baby was cranky today.  She was riding the cranky train.”

“To Crankyville?”

                                    - Margaret and Catherine

“The problem with slash is that it’s kind of ruined me for history.  I’m reading this biography of Machiavelli, thinking, ‘I bet Machiavelli and Cesare Borgia totally got it on’.” – Catherine

“Commas and cock is a good basis for a relationship.” – Catherine

 "You don’t need ‘me time’ when you’ve got amphetamines.” – Catherine

“I’m not clear on much about modern feminism, but I know it has something to do with maternity leave and watching boys make out with each other.” - Catherine

“I don’t know, I think it might be kind of fetching to write poems on the baby’s forehead.  ‘Look, I decorated your children!’.” - Catherine

“Of course!  You can’t have a gay/racist alliance without DUCKIES!!!” – Margaret

“I know.  You’re concerned that if enough disaffected Labour voters switch to the Lib Dems, the Tories could get in.  It worries me too.” – Margaret.  To the crying baby.

“I don’t have a problem with ‘brand me, put a dog collar on me, and make me yours,’ but I do have a severe problem with weddings.” – Catherine

“Just call me Lord Douglas and beat me with sticks.” – Margaret

“You couldn’t choose a truck full of chickens to tailgate??  It had to be PROPANE???!!!” – Catherine

“You don’t want to spend your first date explaining that your relationship with your roommate is a platonic visa marriage.” – Catherine

“We are China ’s bitch, and they’re nuclear.” – Margaret

"We don’t want to end up on a merry chase across the battlefield after our errant boy porn.” – Margaret

“I’m not sure there is a logical response to King Tut laying the smackdown on Mighty Mouse.” – Margaret

“It’s got sadomasochism, boats, and schoolboys.  It’s the PERFECT ENGLISH SONG.” – Margaret

"Wouldn't it be great if there was a superhero who could only travel on public transport?  It would be like, 'I'm off to fight crime!! ... As soon as the M4 gets here!!'" ~ Leah

“Yeah, penises are funny, no matter what state they’re in.” – Leah Clark

“What, like in Texas?” – Leah Hallow

“I think the puppy has some sort of Oedipal desire to see me naked.” – Leah

“I can’t imagine any unattached man who wouldn’t want to salsa dance with you.  Provided you comb your hair.” – Grace

“I’m sick of sending house elves in to shave David Thewlis.” – Margaret

“A woman who can match her passport to her outfit is just utterly remarkable.” – Elizabeth

“When you’re planning a religious event, the words ‘fascist fuckheads’ PROBABLY shouldn’t appear.” – Catherine

"Oh my God, I’m monkey-puppeting out of control!!” – Margaret

“I’m so nervous about using that hand, because the ring isn’t insured yet.  So I look partially paralyzed.” – Michele, on her engagement

“If you were making a list of Sexy and Not Sexy things, ‘rodents in your lingerie’ would go near the top of the Not Sexy list." – Catherine

“We’re, like, Cheech and Chong Do Princeton .” – Margaret

“He's a black belt in Kick Boxing or something but kept getting disqualified because he kept kicking people in the head.  He's a big softy,  really.” – Xander 

“It’s hard to have sex with disembodied people.” – Margaret

“We should actually save stuff to talk about when we meet up.  Otherwise it will be like "Lordy look at all these freaks....." ” – Xander, discussing our meeting in Garlic and Shots.

“ Princeton: with the crazy nightlife of Amish country, and the cute cuddly wildlife of the Australian outback.” – Catherine

“I’m surrounded by freaky fangirls!!” – Marion.  At age 13.  Referring to her sisters.

“I want to kiss whomever designed the lighting for Christian Coulson in this scene.” – Margaret

“I want to kiss Christian Coulson in this scene!!  He and the lighting designer and I could have a threesome.  A well-lit threesome.” – Catherine

“I know a guy who go so sick of trying to get his show produced, he just did it himself. I never heard from him again, so he might be dead now.” - Xander

“Poetically hanging himself from the proscenium, a copy of the script in one hand and a bloodstained quill pen in the other?” – Margaret

“Perhaps, or his investors put out a hit on him.” - Xander

 “Here I am trying to walk the uneasy line between Schlock Opera and real musical theatre heart with a source material which has been made camper than a trailer park and then done to death.” – Xander

"If people are WRONG, they don't get to be judgmental!!" - Margaret

“You know she’s into S&M, but you don’t know where she went to college.” – Catherine

“I’ve had a lot of relationships like that, actually.” – Margaret

"Do you hear the people sing in my pants?"

"No, but I have "a summer wind, a cotton dress," in my pants."

"Ah, that's problematic, since I vow to thee my country in my pants."

"John Barleycorn must die in my pants."

"Yes, so I heard.  Haste to the wedding in my pants." - Margaret and Stephanie

“I’m amazed anyone makes it through their first year alive.  Did you notice that the time we started to do away with infectious diseases was about the time we came up with cars???!!  And God’s sitting there like, ‘oh my god, you people!!!  I give you Alexander Fleming, I give you Jonas Salk, and what do you come up with???!!  THE JERSEY TURNPIKE!!  DING DING DING, point for the humans!!!” – Margaret

“Should we put, ‘I’m into twincest basilisk rape’ on the quote board?” – Catherine

“If you want the FBI to show up.” – Margaret

“Actually, I’m not really into raping basilisks.” – Catherine

“… because THAT would be WRONG.” – Nichole

“They’re carrying fish forks!  They’re crying ‘the monster must be destroyed’!” – Catherine

“Just because I dress like a ho doesn’t mean I don’t have values.” – Leah

“Alexander the Great was kind of a crazy son-of-a-bitch.” – Catherine

“I’m angry and depressed and panicky.  But it’s okay, because Jesus loves me.” – Margaret

“We’re using our own deaths as a plot point in the slash story of our boyfriends!!” – Catherine

“In the grand scheme of the universe, I have a profound existential need for slippers with pictures of cows on them.” – Grace

“George Bush might run into other problems trying to impersonate Barack Obama’s mom.” – Nobody can remember whether this was Grace or Catherine

“That’s all you need to make a movie – German zombies meet Scottish ninjas.” – Margaret

"I looked over and thought, ‘oh, that guy has a baby strapped to his chest,’ and then I realised it was the bald head of the guy in front of him.” – Catherine

“Why did you make me gay zucchini sauce?” – Catherine  

2005, LONDON.

“They don’t make calendars of ‘Beligerent Swing Dancers’.” – Margaret

“Yeah, all the London bombers were supposed to be on the Tube, but … wait for it … THERE WERE DELAYS ON THE NORTHERN LINE AND ONE OF THEM COULDN’T GET ON A TRAIN.  So he blew up the bus instead.” – Margaret

“Now that’s thinking on your feet!  That’s improvising!  They should promote that guy!  Well, the bits of him that are left.  They could find a finger and make it a lieutenant.” – Leah

“So basically, you’re supposed to play this passage ‘with loud meat’.” – Margaret reads music

“Why does your little pastoral love story have to include sheep vomiting on me?” – Catherine

“If you want to get a guy to break up with you, just come up with a new nickname for his genitalia.” – Catherine

“Shorty.” – Margaret

“We’re going to get arrested for having a massive china cabinet and being weird.” – Catherine

“My God, have you never heard of the croissant sweatshops of Tanzania?!?!” – Catherine

“I’m a lush, with meaty hair.” – Margaret

“And his friends did say unto him, ‘Dude.  That’s hard-core.’.” – Catherine

“I’m not at my best at eight o’clock in the morning, and graphic sex between a man and a giant earthworm doesn’t improve matters.” – Olwen

“We should leave the peanuts and the crisps out in case Tony Blair needs to come hide under our dining room table.” – Catherine confuses the PM with Santa

“I have no problem eating human flesh, but I wouldn’t use a severed rabbit head as a paper weight.” – Nick

“Underneath it all, you’re really just a psycho bunny rabbit, aren’t you?” – Catherine

“Selfish little whore.” – Margaret, when Catherine refused to get a sex change and leg extensions in order to marry her.

“The Lord said to Noah, you’re not doing the dance.” – Margaret

“Castration can be funny, in the proper humourous context.” – Catherine

“Yeah, but I don’t have mansex.  So I have to have more cheese.” – Catherine

“Condoleeza Rice is skinny, but probably because she feeds on evil.” – Catherine

" ‘Your father had a terrible accident in Mr. McGregor’s garden.  He was made into a pie.  And now I can’t get my lone parent benefit.  So I’m going to have to sell you to the hedgehogs’.” – Margaret (reading from Peter Rabbit)

“Of course there was going to be cufflink porn – I’d just been looking at it on the internet!!” – Margaret

"I love that you know exactly how I'm psychologically crippling myself." - Michele

“They’d give me an A in suicide.  Awarded posthumously.” – Leah

“My paper was delayed when I was assaulted by my flatmate’s ass.” – Catherine

“He was about two days away from putting up posters saying ‘Vote For Me: I’m Hung!’” – Catherine

“As long as we’re naked, we might as well be gay.” – Catherine

“Tonight my stomach looks fine and my hips look big; yesterday, it was the opposite.” – Margaret

“Maybe your fat molecules are waging a territorial war over your body parts.  ‘Aha, we have recaptured the ass!!!’.” – Catherine

“It probably wins some sort of award for the most rape, incest and underage sex ever crammed into 148 words.” – Margaret, discussing a ficlet she wrote

“Nice job, church girl.” – Leah

“Yes children, tonight for entertainment, we’re going to make Catherine eat things.” – Margaret

“It has come to this.  I’m being sexually molested by a microwave named ‘Sparky’.” – Margaret

“Does our entire friendship consist of mocking people and breaking things?” – Margaret to Michele

“My cat likes to call people ‘biatch’.” – Michele

“I want a baby that I can feed once a day, and poops in a box.” – Michele

“Yeah, I’d love to have you explain that one at the A&E.  ‘I was injured by alcohol.  Specifically, when my flatmate swung a wine bottle into my nose with a sock puppet’.” – Margaret

“I want to be at the cackling lesbian breast-fondling table!” – Sam

“So you have now shoplifted from Oxfam.  Tell me, how does that feel?” – Catherine, to Josh.

“OK, so I have gay transvestite snowmen.  On my head.” - Margaret

“If it’s a human head, I’m going to serve it anyway.” – Catherine, referring to the mysterious box claiming to contain the Thanksgiving turkey.

“If it’s a human head, I’m going to Perfect Chicken.” – Margaret

“Shanice, we do not eat the computer table.” – Margaret, to a child in her class.

“Let’s not have dinosaurs attacking baby Jesus, okay?” – Margaret, to a child in her class.

“He was actually not too bad-looking in real life.  Not that you would have been able to tell by the photo.” – Catherine, on a man who sent her friend a picture of his genitals before their blind date.

“I think when you’re fleeing pain and seeking pleasure, sock puppets are essential.” – Catherine

“Yeah.  We don’t judge.” – Margaret, on a friend's relationship.

“May I judge??!!” – Sapna

“At what point did we decide it was the Antichrist?” – Catherine

“I decided.  You were convinced it was cute.” – Margaret

“Happiness comes from meaning.  Your meaning is to serve me.  Be happy.” – Catherine

“I’m not letting you read my Psychotherapy textbooks any more.” – Margaret

“The French decided they didn’t like being Protestant, because they were not able to wear silly hats and caper about.” – Margaret

“This morning I went on MSN and there was a big headline that said ‘insurgents raid city hall of Bethlehem ’ and I thought ‘oh my God, that's only blocks from here!’.” – Michele, in Bethlehem , Pennsylvania .

“Is there a culturally sensitive way to cosh someone over the head with a haddock?” – Margaret

“Hubba hubba, I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.” – Catherine

“I’ve never been involved in bribery and corruption, because I haven’t had the chance.” – Daddy

“I resent the suggestion that my father goes out in search of small fuzzy animals to put in the toaster.” – Catherine

“First of all, I’m not even ordained yet, and secondly, it won’t be into the monkey sacrifice cult.” – Grace

“The world needs the monkey sacrifice cult.” – Philip

“I shall have waffle children.” – Margaret

“While I have known lesbians with that much five o’clock shadow, I don’t know if it’s possible to be so butch that you’re metrosexual.” – Josh

"I have a rabid monkey eating my hand.” – Grace

Return to top

2006

“Rupert Brooke was really unfairly beautiful.” – Margaret

“Yeah.  But then he died.  So I suppose he got his.” – Catherine

“I need to be tested for a recessive shoe gene.” – Margaret

“He’s probably busy developing empathy or some other shit that kids do.” – Catherine, upon a child in Hyde Park who did not seem interested in his football.

“FEEL THE WRATH OF MY MINTY FRESH BREATH!!!” – Margaret

“You can’t treat romance in the same way you treat, like, graduate programmes.” – Catherine’s daily dose of wisdom

“The money would go to my brother, and he wouldn’t even buy booze with it; he’d just buy Ecstasy and vegan ice cream.” – Catherine

“I wonder how many uprisings and revolutions in Europe I can connect my relatives to?  We've already got the '48 and the WWII Resistance ...” - Grace
“Well, that really depends on how Catherine's  career develops, doesn't it?” – Josh

“I think Margaret’s ideal scenario would be ‘Scottish politicians having sex’.” – Josh

“That would have been really funny, in an ‘about-to-die’ kind of way.” – Catherine

“Mmmmm … why does your bed smell of cheese?” – Grace

“Folding laundry is my idea of foreplay.” – Grace

“I can’t even get the Linzor-things home without one trying to obtain carnal knowledge of the Jaffa cakes.” – Grace

“There’s still lettuce in the shower.” – Josh

“A gay man and an architect can do anything.” – T.C.

“I want to drive around Cornwall terrifying people with Stephen Maturin’s cock.” – Catherine

“Ho’wil.  That would be near Rapperswil, right?” – Dan

“There is very little smack in Orono, Maine.” – Josh

“Because all you really need in life is an eleven-inch black rubber dildo and a drinking horn.” – Grace

“Random naked lumpy people …” – Josh

“Because everybody knows that the rubrics require train tickets be used to mark the Bible readings.  Otherwise it won’t count and God will be mad.” – Grace

“The rough nubby drying experience is what I’m all about.” – Josh

“Those are the pope’s hos.” – Josh

“It’s orgy time at the crocodile kindergarten.” – Grace

“We fed you …” - Josh

“You fed me mold.  And made my look at the toilet.” – Margaret

“If I’m going to eat a gummy man, I want to be able to see his pubic hair.” – Margaret

“No, no, she was manic-depressive, he was only an alcoholic crackhead!” – Catherine, on her mother’s friends

“The King does not need an Oyster card!  The King is the son of Zeus!!” – Margaret

“Words every boy dreams of – ‘having sex with you reminds me of death’.” – Margaret

“God may be omnipotent, but he won’t take your exams for you.” – Margaret

“Bastard.” – Abi

“Barbie doll body parts are creepy enough on their own; they do not need to be attached to mutant fish.” – Margaret

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing serious, just a slight case of DEAD.” – Margaret

“Angry sex should be like, ‘you flirted with someone else in front of me to make me jealous,’ not, ‘you killed my partner and the mother of my children’.” – Catherine

“I’m very modern – I get library books, videos and sex all online.” – Catherine

“It still tastes of mothballs.” – Margaret

“And yet, you’re eating it.” – Catherine

“It tastes of chocolate mothballs.” – Margaret

“No, you’re not going to jail – you’re just going to hell.” – Catherine

“I’m all against cultural imperialism, until I want some peanut M&M’s.  And then I’m like, ‘GIVE ME MY GODDAM AMERICAN FOOD, BI-ATCH!!’” – Catherine

“And Cassius is like, ‘no, bitch!’ and Brutus is all, ‘Sure, Antony, whatever you want,’ and Cassius is like, *facepalm*” – Margaret

“I’m sure Shakespeare would be thrilled with this summary.” – Marion

“We shall continue another three exits to Friendly’s, the sum of all culinary good.” – Daddy

“She’s a great watchdog, she just watches for all the wrong things.” – Margaret

"I thought they were amputating my ... third leg, because I kept hearing them saying 'sterile.'  And I remember thinking, 'hey, at least I've got Matthew!"" - David Gardner (Hampstead Players' David Gardner, not Sapna's David Gardner)

"You're just like those American G.I,'s - 'overpaid, oversexed, and over here'." - Lillian

"Lillian, let me assure you, - I am not overpaid." - Margaret

“There’s nothing on television in the daytime except horseracing and cricket.” – Susan

“What’s wrong with horseracing?!” – Grace

“What’s wrong with cricket??!!” – David Underdown

“Yeah, I think of Minnesota as a blue state, but South Dakota is just what-the-fuck-land.” – Grace

 “I’m not groping you, I’m groping the penguin!” - Marion

"I'm leaving you and your dead dog." - Moray

"Do you think we'll be mentioned in each other's eulogies?" - Margaret

"We'll probably give each other's eulogies! (loooong silence.)  Oh wait ..." - Catherine

"I've been too busy getting an education and making the world better to whore myself out so I can pay for my parents' DIY." - Margaret

"Not you personally, but you as a potential nutcase ..." - Moray

"I haven't even been back in the country for a day and already terrorists are trying to kill me and my family thinks I'm a prostitute." - Margaret

"They do have the potential to be quite good-looking, if you ignore the fact that they're sixteen years old and MY COUSINS."

"Yeah, guess we ought to look further afield."

"Probably a good idea. Do the Hydes have any attractive offspring? They're THIRD cousins!"

"But they don't have red hair."

"Do you ever worry that this obsession is a little out of control?"

"NO."

- Mommy and Margaret discuss matrimony in a charmingly Medieval fashion.

"You'd pay to watch that, wouldn't you?  It would be the highlight of your life to see me say "penis" in front of 30 ten-year-olds." - Margaret to Michele, on teaching sex ed.

"Having recently watched Monty Python, I deeply regret not applying to Cambridge." - Brendan

"You could develop your skills as a rapper. I think it might be a hidden talent of yours. You could rap about Chinese economic development." - Margaret

"Here is my song . . . Hong Kong . . . Globalization has a history that's long ..." - Brendan

"Some people think it's WRONG, but they just won't go ALONG ..." - Margaret

"Something something Wong?" - Brendan

"I think it's a hit in the making." - Margaret

"Well, I'd like to write: child turned into a fire-breathing spawn of Satan whose behaviors made me want to flee from the home, but instead I have to write 'client demonstrated acting-out behaviors and had to be frequently redirected to his tasks."" - Michele

"Serious musical theatre fans would strap on the liederhosen if the cause demanded it." - Margaret

"Well, they gave me a BA.  But it was in Latin, so it could have said 'you suck, but you gave us lots of money' for all I know." - Margaret

“Does that make someone your friend, if they wear all your underpants?” – Catherine

“These are deep theological questions that must be answered with much discourse.” – Margaret

“Because as partisan websites go, slobodanmilosevic.org is pretty up there.” – Catherine

"The frickin' Ukrainians ate all the ketchup." - Grace

"Look, have you ever tried to cut through an octopus with a table knife?!" - Josh

"No, it's just ghetto.  It's not really fabulous.  If there were, like, rhinestone-studded thongs hanging from it, then it would be fabulous." - Grace

"Yeah, 'cause I'm a gay necrophile and I want his royalties." - Josh

"Do I have to walk back down the mountain with copulating bees on my shorts?" - Grace

“PORN NEEDS TO SCAN!!” – Margaret

“The dog collar is a little bit jarring with the pink.” – Catherine

“Damn literary devices that make me want to burn shit!” – Catherine

“Wow.  Their sex life must be hot.  Because she’s totally clueless and he’s gay.” – Margaret

“Sorry, I don’t know why gay people remind me of garlic.” – Catherine

“He said, ‘sleep and sex are the two things that remind me I am mortal.’” – Margaret

“Not the bit where he was charging into battle with people waving pointy things at him?” – Catherine

“No, that didn’t really seem to do it.” – Margaret

“That would sure remind me I was mortal!!” – Catherine

“I think anyone who doesn’t like saying ‘yurt’ must be some kind of COMMUNIST!!” – Margaret

“Wouldn’t it be funny if you were at a funeral, and the priest said, ‘let us all take a moment to reflect on John’s last words … ‘AAH, GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!!’ “ – Margaret

“When people accuse your religion of  being violent, it’s kind of counterproductive to respond by bombing stuff.” – Grace

“A karate chop to the windpipe is not SUBTLE.” – Margaret

“It is if you do it fast.” – Catherine 

Return to top.

2007

“It’s not lying if it’s true.” – Margaret

“YES IT IS!!” – Catherine

“Your neurology paper probably shouldn’t include the phrase, ‘filled with cheesy goodness’.” – Catherine

Grace: ...Right, on Saturday I'm going to Cromwell bridge for the Cow
thing.
Marion: The cow thing...?
Grace: It's...it's in this pile somewhere...
Marion: The COW??

“Mutant penguins are very discriminated against!” – Catherine

“You can be like, ‘here’s a small child to dress up.  Now please remove the tutu from the beagle’.” – Catherine

“Yay, let’s talk about boys and buying stuff for the house!”

“Oh God, we’re such girls.”

“Hey, I had an extended conversation about Middle East policy at coffee hour today, so I feel all right.”

“And I read most of The New Statesman, so I’m in the clear.”

-         Margaret and Catherine

“You get really Thatcherite when you want free furniture.” – Catherine

“If they were like, ‘We’ve got an unpaid internship and you have to eat paste,’ I’d be like, ‘I’m so there!’” – Catherine

“I wish the bloody meat would stop migrating around the china cabinet.” – Mommy

“And Haephaistion’s all like, ‘damn, I’ve got to get out my copy of Macedonian and Muscly’.” – Margaret

“Is that going to be your chat-up line from now on?  ‘Come home with me – I’ve got a laminator’?” – Matthew

“No, it’s always been my chat-up line; it’s just that now it’ll be true.” – Moray

“We could make hats!  We could make big nerd hats we could wear!” – Catherine

“Not now, I have to work tomorrow.” – Margaret

“You guys are heathens!  You pee on things for no reason!” – Catherine

“al-Qaeda isn’t really all about science.” – Kevin

“Primark is like bisexuality.  Everyone’s dabbled but nobody will admit it.” – Alex Scott

“Hey, they’ve got good music, good beer, and beautiful countryside –“

“SHEEP!!!!!!!”

“And really dysfunctional families!”

“Yay!”

-         Margaret and Marion, discussing Ireland

“I wish I knew more weirdos’ phone numbers.” – Josh

“I’m such a cheese slut.” – Catherine

“You’re such an everything slut.” – Margaret

"I don't think Javert has read his new 'Community Policing' manual." - Margaret

“Sorry, you were saying something, before I took the Emo-train all the way to All-About-Me Town …” – Margaret

“Hey, that’s actually a grammatically correct sentence!” – Margaret

“Your mom’s actually a grammatically correct sentence.” – Marion

Leah: It has mansex, which is always a plus. except when you need one of the men to stay home and change the baby.

Margaret: Yeah, well, that doesn't really come up here. Sometimes you need one of the men to stay behind and train the companion cavalry, but that's not quite the same thing.
Leah: No, not quite.  But in any age, you need them to kill big bugs.
Margaret: That's very true. And Persia and India have some pretty big bugs.  As well as, like, people with spears who are trying to kill you.
Leah: I can deal with the people with the spears. That's just human nature and they're pretty easy to spot from a distance. But bugs are stealthy.
Margaret: Yeah, but when they outnumber you three to one, it becomes a bit of a different story.
Leah: That's why it's good to have an expendable friend with you.  I slept better when I lived with Leah [Clark] because I knew I had a 50/50 chance of survival if a psycho killer broke in.
Margaret: Oh, what do you think I have Catherine for? And why do you think her bedroom is closer to the door?

“We all have hidden talents.  Mine just happens to be for conspiracy theories that involve the dog having supernatural powers.” – Leah

"I'm formulating a new policy.  It's called 'DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE!'." - Chris

“He's too broody. We'd be like, Clive, come play Frisbee and he'd be like, no, I have to finish contemplating my intense suffering at the hands of perky American females. Bring me hot tea and cyanide.” – Leah, explaining why we should not allow Clive Owen to be one of the survivors of a nuclear holocaust predicted by her dog.

“I don't know how John Williams started out but I'm guessing that his first job wasn't trying to write music to underscore a blow job.” – Xander

“It's kind of funny, in a way, because they know that this is the message every man-product tries to convey but they just said "fuck it - why bother veiling it behind some fragile metaphor? Let's just cast a butt-load of naked women to feel up this guy who is using our product."” – Michele

Michele: my friend Marisa just informed me that they make miniature cows now.  I want to start a whole miniature farm
Margaret: THAT WOULD ROCK.  I'd dress up in pigtails and lead hoedowns for the tourists.
Michele: We have a shed at the edge of our property that I could turn into a miniature barn
Margaret: However, to get the thing right, we'd really have to get a midget to dress up in pigtails and lead hoedowns.  I could kneel.
Michele: I think the tiny cows actually produce (tiny amounts of) milk also
Margaret: Well, of course.  They are actual mammals.
Michele: And if we were in a pinch, delicious tiny porterhouses

“I don't know what you think you're doing in marrying him, honestly.  You'll have all the socks and marshmallows you need, but is that really enough?” – Margaret

"Soulless monsters don't fully appreciate the novelty of hand puppets." - Michele

"I was once in Brixton at 3 a.m. with a trombonist." - Margaret

"Is that the set-up to a joke or just a statement?" - Kevin

"Wouldn't it be funny if Starbucks hosted the walk for ADHD research, and served tons of free coffee?  'Let us all experience how an ADHD child feels all the time ...'." - Michele

"He wouldn't spend enough time with me!  He's be all like, 'I have to go die to save the world' and I'd be like, 'what about my needs?'" - Catherine, on why she wouldn't date Jesus.

Margaret: "I''m being Platonic here."

Catherine: "Okay, so your logic is a pale imitation of real logic."

Margaret: "... now where do the potatoes come in?"

"This afternoon has been kinda Dada-esque." - Margaret

"I'd be like, 'Carne, as part of my on-the-job training, can I pimp your ride?" - Catherine

"Black tea is for heathens and sugar is for whores - and other handy household tips from Margaret." - Catherine

"Well, someone has to maintain standards of decency around here!" - Margaret

"Sigh.  What is it with me and dead boys with Cupid's-bow mouths?" - Margaret

"I dunno, but they make you want to write novels.  And that's just about the weirdest fetish I've ever heard." - Catherine

"I mean, you've got quite a few male friends now.  You could definitely put a press gang together." - Catherine

"American girl with cleavage seeks virgin with title." - Margaret puts together the itinerary for her and Jean's trip to Eton.

"There's so much action going on in your room, it's a pity none of it involves you." - Margaret

"I don't know, I might try to get in on Leon Trotsky and the chipmunk." - Catherine

"Did that guy say he was a crime-fighting transvestite?" - Catherine, getting off the Tube after closing night of Paradise Lost.

"No.  Only that he wanted to be." - Margaret

"DRINK YO' AIR!!" - Matthew, when David had run out of martini during a game of Double.

"At least, when you join a cult, they tell you when the next cult meeting is. They don’t just get some lower-ranking druid to be like, ‘dude, this is when we’re having the next sacrifice’.”" - Catherine,

"“I'm watching a documentary on the Ku Klux Klan and it's a lot of screaming ‘white power’ and other charming statements and with the walls being what they are, I'm worried my neighbours will think I'm this huge racist. Good thing I'm moving, no?” " - Leah,

"The deaf must just think totally differently. Like the Japanese." - Moray,

"I have to spit when I think of filthy Krauts!" - Catherine,

"Oh, for a minute there I misinterpreted that headline there ‘Essex Road Post Office Axe Fear’" - Catherine,

"DON'T GO TO THAT POST OFFICE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" - Margaret,

"At least we'll die giving fashion advice to Welsh rural folk." - Catherine,

"I covered my dog in Epsom salts." - Random stranger in the "Hen and Chickens," Abergavenny,

"You need to go to the palace to get some sheep." - Another random stranger in the "Hen and Chickens," Abergavenny,

"I think General Flavius IS My Friend Pain." - Margaret,

"After we're done with the food, we may hunger and thirst for righteousness a bit more." - Margaret,

"Can I just say I love Hotmail? Where else can I get offers for a colonic and Christian debt loans?" - Leah,

"They take the public's money and they give it straight to Satan. They have Satan's bank account number and make regular deposits into the Bank Of Satan." - Margaret,

"Well, the woman who interviewed me was a bitch and her hair colour was definitely the devil’s work." - Xander,

"Cat never drives because she's a sissy. I just make her carry stuff to make up for it." - Margaret,

"Good for you. Keep 'em barefoot and burdened." - Mommy,

"Why do these discussions [on character development] always seem to end with you calling someone 'bitch'?"" - David Gardner

"The more Napoleonic you two look, the less I have to act."" - Margaret

"Instructions for brushing your teeth should not include the phrase, 'remove cat and spit'." - Catherine

"Grammar - she is a hard mistress." - Leah

"The relationship would be over before it started. It would be based on lies and bad geography" - Leah

"You gave your cat chlamydia??" - Leah

"If it weren't for the whole Jesus thing, I would so be Catholic." - Leah

"I lost my bronze earrings in a gay bar in Gazi / The boys they were ugly, and the drinks they were lousy." - Leah comes up with the first lyric set for our alternative Country-Western band.

"That would be really inconvenient if you were a terrorist and had been planning to detonate the bomb using a mobile phone." - David Gardner, referring to 'please turn off your mobile phone' announcements in public places.

"Yeah, but I'm not sure someone who's planning on committing an act of terrorism is concerned enough about politeness to turn off their mobile phone when asked. I mean, it's not as though they stand at the entrance of the train and say, 'hello, my name is Muhammed, I'll be your bomber today'." - Margaret

"I could handle that. I'd be like, 'Hey there, Muhammed - could I have the non-smoking section, please?'" - Leah

"I'm not usually mugged by shells, but I'm, you know, flexible." - Catherine

"You're a self-loathing shoe wearer!!" - Margaret

"Nothing says 'home' like a disembowelled prostitute." - Leah

"And monks." - Margaret

"We're, like, the OED's fricking wet dream" - Margaret

"It's like Godzilla with an English Lit PhD." - Leah, about the cat

"I'm gay-boy catnip." - Leah

"You were born too female, you were born too late, and I'm just an idiot." - Catherine analyses everyone's life problems.

"I suppose that's ONE way to weed out all the necrophiliacs." - Margaret

"I want my love life to include the minimum amount of dressing up like a chipmunk." - Margaret

Return to top.

"You can't be a massive fannish horde ALL BY YOURSELF." - Margaret

"Ah - I love you.; - Catherine

"I just threatened to EAT YOUR BRAIN." - Margaret

"It'd be like, 'dude, I just had a drunken one-night stand, WITH GOD.'" - Margaret

"Oh my God, I thought my cat had flushed himself." - Margaret

"Did you lick the carrots with a degree's separation from your butt?" - Catherine (to the cat)

"A boyfriend is like a booty call you don't have to feel bad about." - Margaret

"You have enough to worry about at work without your boss decomposing." - Margaret

"I think the cheese rolling down my ear would probably be a good warning system." - Grace

"That's a ... novel approach to parenting ..." - Margaret

"Yeah - go off and have unprotected sex right now, or I'll burn your studying." - Catherine

"It's cute little Lord Blakeney, suddenly torturing people and sleeping with prostitutes." - Catherine

"I see dangers everywhere!" - Margaret

"But do yu see dead people?" - Catherine

"Not usually. Unlesss I'm, like, at a funeral.." - Margaret

"Yeah, I don't think that refers to ACTUAL DEAD PEOPLE. 'I see dead people!' 'You're an undertaker - pull yourself together!'" - Catherine

"You're a big ole' expatriating Eurotrash slut." - Maureen

"I have interrupting dinner jet lag." - Maureen

"Have YOU ever had the experience of my boyfriend singing 'Sweet Transvestite' while humping your leg??" - Maureen

"I'm taking the dog to a mental retardation fundraising walk tomorrow, and Matt's teaching him to lie down whenever anyone says 'DOWN's Syndrome'." - Michele

"Me Big Sprog, King of the Uterus!!" - Margaret

"My family scares me, and I'm a three-month-old foetus." - Grace

"We have lazy domestic dwarfs who sit around on their asses and drink our beer and never do the dishes." - Grace

"We have two officers and one soldier, and one of the officers is a pigeon." - Margaret

"I'm taking orders from a dopey-looking pigeon. At least tell me I outrank Moray." - Catherine

"My ordination process was a lot like my dating life - it only worked out after we'd plied each other with alcohol." - Jim

"I'm not going to sit here and eat lunch staring at the predator urine." - Margaret

"If a little bit of whiskey in early childhood ends up making you a psychotic surfer philosopher vegan, that's one of the weirdest side effects I've ever heard of." - Catherine

"I have better things to do on a Friday night than fight about semantics. Oh wait, no I don't." - Margaret

Return to top.

2007

"What do you mean, I haven’t shown you my ninja first communion outfit?" - Catherine

"I trust you to know which is which, because the universe would be in serious trouble if it were ruled by a giant invisible schizophrenic who thinks he’s a cat." - Margaret

"I want to sit here, watch CSI, look at lolcats, and say ‘asshat’ a lot." - Margaret

"You do that. You follow your bliss." - Catherine

"I will! That bliss is being followed" - Margaret

"That bliss is looking in the rearview mirror, going, ‘help! I’m being followed!’” " - Catherine

"It took me ages to figure out that Jermaine was a footballer and not Germaine Greer. Maybe this is why I don't have a boyfriend." - Catherine

"There are plenty of people who fancy me ONSTAGE, but none who fancy me OFFSTAGE." - Margaret

"Yeah, but the four onstage - one's gay, two are married, and one's a woman." - Catherine

"... the woman could fancy me." - Margaret

"She's straight." - Catherine

"Actually, there are plenty of people who fancy me offstage as well, but one of them is in jail and I'm not allowed to talk to another one because the sight of me apparently makes him try to kill himself." - Margaret

"I think we've managed to reach a new low of bad taste." - Margaret, after all the necrophiliac Hitler jokes.

"Hey, just because I liked to dress people up in black shirts and invade Poland doesn't mean you can compare me with Hitler!" - Catherine

"My transformation into a middle-aged Black woman just got derailed by a Mr. T implant." - Margaret

"I’m just the physical embodiment of a Dali painting." - Margaret

"Now they’re going to put us in jail, with Bullet-Tooth Tony who didn’t mow his lawn." - Catherine

"You're an apostate from Christianity - you're not an apostate from the Great Faith Of The Wheeled Froggies." - Margaret

"The whole world would be covered in mango trees!! And then we would all die when the great mango blight came!! ... I may be over-estimating my powers of mango consumption." - Catherine

" ... just maybe." - Margaret

"I'm watching CSI - in the first two minutes, there was a high-speed police chase, two girls in their underwear, and a severed head. I love this show." - Margaret

"Dogs are more manly, I suppose." - Margaret

"And generally more obedient, so it's more rewarding to train them. Logan would probably learn how to assemble rockets if we gave him enough milkbones." - Michele

"I could actually see the uses of that. I mean, sometimes you just need a rocket assembled." - Margaret

"Yeah, it's a common problem." - Michele

"I've been online with Michele for two minutes, and already we're talking about hosting telethons for dogs who can't build rockets." - Margaret

"I have the best name for Grace's baby if it's a boy. Richard Pritchard Burson!" - Michele

"Oh, they've thought of that. It could be better, though: Richard Pritchard MacPherson Burson." - Margaret

"Saturday night I wanted to have "fun" so Matt and I drank 1 beer each and both independently fell asleep on separate couches within 15 minutes." - Michele

"We know it's the Rubicon because there was the Expository Peasant of the Rubicon!" - Catherine watches "Rome."

"Your queen is having an affair with my knight. I mean, I don't think there's any way of getting out of her capturing him, but at least it demeans her a little bit." - Margaret

"I don't think hypnosis is an approved method of playing chess." - Catherine

"You think the cat converted to Islam without telling you?" - Catherine

"We have four degrees between us, and what are we doing? Watching the cat smell the carpet." - Catherine

"I'm such a man - see my big pink satin bow!" - Margaret does 17th-century fashion.

"I was so busy defending St. Augustine that I forgot to pay for my sausages." - Margaret

"God, I'd so do him." - Margaret

"Oh, I'd do him in a second." - Catherine

"Me first; he's my character!" - Margaret

"It's porn - you don't need to bother with similes!" - Margaret

"Yeah, nothing takes the fun out of assassinations and whoring like bad fashion and prayer." - Margaret

"They'll bump us to another flight that leaves from Gatwick in an hour." - Margaret

"Your MOM leaves from Gatwick in one hour!" - Catherine

"You’ll end up flying by way of Alaska. And never getting out. You’ll be standing in eight feet of snow and they’ll be all like, ‘sorry, this flight is delayed for six months due to ill-advised choice of airport location’." - Margaret

"Oh yeah, show me the fan vaults, baby, that’s how I like it." - Margaret

"Yeah, the seventeenth century was half about ‘An Ode Upon The Manor House Of Stick-Up-Your-Butt, At The Occasion Of A Dinner Party Hosted By Lord Snuffleupagus. Where We Had Goose’." - Margaret

"Cavalier poets, yeah. You don’t see collections of the works of Roundhead poets very often, do you? You know, like, ‘roses are red, violets are blue, God will come again, and smite you.’ It doesn’t scan because scantion is the work of the devil." - Catherine

"The only thing you need that many priests for is a wedding or an exorcism." - Catherine

"That’s why I fell in love with you, Ethan – your mad hoedown skills." - Margaret, to Moray’s character, ad-libbed. On camera.

"That's not a great name for a paint company – ‘Swallow Paints’." - Catherine

"be worse. Could be a paint and dye company. ‘Swallow Paints And Dye’." - Tom (Catherine's brother)

"What the hell were you both doing awake enough to have sex at 7:30 a.m.?? What kind of fucking overachievers are you?." - Margaret

"So now you know - investigate possible intruders first, have nookie later." - Margaret

"I'll have to write that down somewhere. On a post-it note on the fridge." - Michele

"You can embroider it on a sampler." - Margaret

"And pass it on to my grandchildren. 'A very wise friend of mine told me this'." - Michele

"IT'S GOOD ADVICE!!!" - Margaret

"So I have to entertain you in some way that doesn't involve my arms ... ?" - Catherine

"Yeah, we've had the iPod on shuffle during, and had it switch from something totally sexy to something totally embarrassing. Like 'The Rainbow Connection'. And being all like, 'GODDAMMIT! And then you try to continue but all you can think of is Kermit the Frog and you're afraid if you let it continue any longer sex with inevitably become tied up with the Muppets." - Name changed to protect the guilty

"Because we'll be trying to conceive soon, I'm no longer on birth control, so we're just using condoms and so in order to save ourselves from having to buy it in the store, my husband decided to buy a big box of them online. Apparently, he bought SO MANY that they sent us a free porno." - Name changed

"So the porn is like the free beer you get when you order £20 worth of Chinese food." - Margaret

"I remember Austin's roommate got addicted to muscle relaxants and failed out after one semester." - Michele

"Was that the guy who threw up in Austin's laundry?" - Margaret

"YES! The same charmer who invited us to a party at which he was serving a drink that was a) made and served in a garbage can, and b) STIRRED WITH HIS BARE ARM." - Michele

"That would have been the best motto. 'Trinity College: funny if it's happening to someone else'." - Margaret

"And then this is the night we spent onshore with Dmitri and Christos who were trying to steal each other’s ears." - Margaret

"Because nothing takes the sting out of pre-adolescent sexual harassment like a group of teachers making fun of your grammar." - Margaret

"Which revolution?!? I bet some revolutions had carbonated beverages!!!!" - Catherine

"I’m glad I have a friend with whom I can discuss what exactly French peasants would throw at muggers." - Catherine

"So this is ..." - Catherine

"Major Tom to Ground Control?" - Moray

"What did I come here to get ... ?" - Margaret

"Funky?" - Catherine

"I’ve got student loans; I can't budget for bail." - Margaret

"THEY'VE GONE OUT OF BUSINESS SINCE WE ORDERED OUR CHINESE FOOD!!!" - Catherine

"We need some creative lessons to film, like Art. I've seen some teachers walking around with saws ..." - the head

"New behaviour policy." - Malcolm

"I now have a jacket with a chapstick in each pocket." - Margaret

"Well, a few weeks ago, you had a chapstick in each nostril ..." - Catherine

"The subjunctive mood is my favourite; it covers a multitude of sins." - Stephen

"Yeah, but then you'd be on the late train back. With an angry man with a haddock on his head chasing you." - Catherine

"Pompey the Great and other generals of history who were tragically crippled by being pot plants." - Catherine

"You should write a book." - Margaret

"Hey kids! Meat makes you smart!" - Catherine

"Don't look at me with that tone of voice!" - Malcolm

" Shut up, you German-speaking leiderhosen-wearing Tunisian!" - Catherine

"So you are the mysterious new leader of Turkmenistan!!" - Catherine

"Now don't go shouting it, or they'll all want one." - Margaret

"I hunger and thirst for righteousness. Is there a vending machine for righteousness?" - Margaret

"I don't think Gloucestershire counts as a hobby." - Margaret

"I can tell you what I won't be doing tonight, baby, and that's reclaiming the domestic production of Cheez Whiz! Hubba hubba!" - Catherine

" Romance novels have the crappiest cover art. This one is all, ‘mai pekz let me show you them’. And that one you just showed me could be called ‘I can haz yur secks now?" - Michele

" This is brilliant. We could make a website – ‘LOLREADS: I can haz crappi book?'" - Margaret

" You know if someone actually makes that website later we're gonna be mad." - Michele

" I need room service! Why don't I have room service???" - Margaret

" Because Catherine's at work right now." - Malcolm

" Occupational hazards include: crushing to death while husband is at work by pile of fallen books, allergies from dust, odd-smelling work vehicle, awakening ancient curses …" - Michele

" I'm not sure insurance covers that." - Margaret

" Boo is going fucking mental. He's EATING GOBS OF HIS OWN HAIR OFF THE CARPET. But he can't swallow it or even actually get it in his mouth, so he sits there with it dangling off his tongue and whiskers, trying to eat it, his face twitching and his eyes all bugged out. Then he tries to poop in the magazine rack." - Margaret

" Other evil thoughts that came to mind are to friend him on Facebook and leave threatening messages on his wall, in the vein of, "break my sister's heart, I break your head. Capisch?" or "Mess with my sister, I mess with you. I live in East London; you BETTER be scared." Or "If you break my baby sister's heart, I have a kitchen knife and a shovel, and I guarantee nobody would miss you." Oh, the possibilities are endless." - Margaret, when Marion got together with Harry.

" Sometimes it still confuses me when people introduce me as ‘Matt's wife’" - Michele

" 'MATT HAS A WIFE? BASTARD!! Oh wait, that's me'." - Margaret

"Yes, I am lacking in breasts and smell of onions." - Josh (to Peter)

"At this age, they're just glorified digestive tracts." - Nora

"I am such a retirement-party whore." - Josh

"Bear in mind that I'm holding your kid here ... trying not to drop him in the stir-fry ... " - Marion

"Bear in mind that I'm holding a sharp implement here ... " - Grace

"The Disney version contains considerably less pedophilia and math." - Josh, on "Alice in Wonderland."

"You'd be awarded points for style. And proximity to the yak." - Malcolm

"Basically, I look on any snack food that evolved since my childhood as a Red Godless attempt to deceive the Great American Public." - Catherine

"What’s great is that the cold War totally ended before you remember." - Margaret

"Or so the Russians would have you believe! They merely moved into snack food!" - Catherine

"We won't pay you and we’re going to call you Hamish McLovin. Welcome to Bartholomew Road Productions, where professional courtesy is our motto." - Margaret

" That’s Margaret’s philosophy of life; if I can endure this, then someone else can endure it on my behalf." - Catherine

Return to top

" It’s sad when I look at my Google search history and see ‘wombats flip cars’. ." - Catherine

" I tried to be normal! I got a cat! Normal people do that, right?” – Margaret

"Margaret. Normal people get normal cats. Not extremely kinky alcoholic suicidal ones. " - Malcolm

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" That’s how you’ll pay for your theatrical career – whoring yourself out at King’s Cross. I can flyer for you! I’ve got the routine down already. ‘Hello? My girlfriend – four-star review! Half off with flyer’. " - Malcolm

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" These quizzes always have really obvious answers, like, ‘you and your boyfriend have a disagreement. Do you a) slit his throat, b) slit your own throat, or c) talk about it reasonably?’ " - Malcolm, discovering Cosmo

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" Where are the homosexuals? They can’t all be fellating each other! " - Graham

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" I need to get rid of these flyers before I’m allowed to put my clothes back on! " - Alek

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" Is this the man who would take us to Persia? He cannot even keep his head out of the lighting fixtures! " - Margaret and Ben

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" Show me the camels! Show me a million camels!”

"I will show you one camel. One. " - overheard in “The Horseshoe” pub

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" I don’t even want to begin to calculate the Kinsey score of our ice cream scoop. " - Josh

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" I think gluttony is a lot easier than lust. I mean, unless you lost control and ate so many Oreos that you actually died, it would be a lot easier to recover from than a night where you lost control and, like, had sex with five men. " - Catherine

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" And what are you going to do with that? " - Malcolm, to his three-year-old nephew, who was holding a rock

"I’m going to keep it. As a pet. " - the nephew’s response

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" The Norwegians should go into battle riding seals. With tridents. " - Catherine

"Do the Norwegians even go into battle any more? " - Margaret

"They would if they had seals. " - Catherine

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" I like candles, but I’m not going to name my child Spencer Mulberry Splash. " - Michelle

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" I should shave you and then give you a handmade felt yurt nativity set! Father O’Connell’s getting really creative with his penances lately. " - Margaret

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" There’s something fundamentally untranslatable about ‘asshat’. " - Margaret

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" A Noah Mystery Play is very difficult to write, because nothing rhymes with ‘animal’. " - Margaret

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" I’m speaking in iambic pentameter now. " - Margaret

"Well, I’m not listening in iambic pentameter now. " - Malcolm

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" And then the springboks would burst through the office window and unlock it from the inside …" - Malcolm

"Having suddenly developed thumbs? " - Margaret

"DUH … they would be carrying chimpanzees!! " - Malcolm

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" Margaret, when you’re out of clothing, you stop. You don’t start removing body parts. That would be strip-and-dismember poker. Less popular. " - Catherine

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" Technically, you get in more trouble if it isn’t your sheep. " - Catherine

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" Do you think I’m just randomly going around taking pictures of people’s arses? " - Catherine

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" There’s booze and costumes and food and painkillers everywhere! " - Catherine

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" Situations like this are why God, in his wisdom, created the internet movie database. And God is good. " - Margaret

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MOST RECENT QUOTES

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" Yeah, Peter and Mirror Baby are, like, BFF.” – Josh

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" You’re worried about crying in public? I just ran across the pub pretending to shag a cow and nobody batted an eyelid.” – Malcolm

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" Then I could tell the Home Office, ‘hey, nobody else was willing to do transubstantiation!’” – Catherine

" What can I say, I’m a girl with loose morals.” – Margaret

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" I’m English. I’m good at Foreign things.” – Moray

" You actually speak a few words of Foreign, don’t you?” – Catherine

" Yes. Donnez-moi votre pays. Give me your country.” – Moray

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" I want to be a part of any charity that allows me to inject people in the ass and run away!” – Catherine

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" If I stay at this job until the end of the building project, that’s two and a half more years. That’s armed robbery with time off for good behaviour.” – Malcolm

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" I should probably go to bed sometime soon, just to keep up some pretense of actually being diurnal.” – Margaret, at 4:30 a.m.

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" You’ll be buying me the occasional drink, but you will not be in any way maintaining me. I’m an independent woman – I have my parents for that.” – Margaret and Malcolm get used to the new financial arrangement.

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" And this descended into … him … playing chess …. with a halibut … in a porno …” – Margaret

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" I’m getting you Paris for your birthday. I currently have an army of slowworms encamped in Notre-Dame Cathedral.” – Malcolm

" This is not going to end well, is it? I’m going to get a bunch of dead slowworms for my birthday, aren’t I?” – Margaret

" You’ll like the general. He’s a capital chap.” – Malcolm

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" NO!!! The gays are much SMARTER than you think – why the FUCK would gay people want to go to RHODE ISLAND???” – Margaret

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" How do I GOOGLE a COLLECTIVE DELUSION???” – Margaret

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" You’re just going to be married – I’m going to be drunk!” – Catherine

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" My hobby is to get righteously indignant about things that make no sense.” – Catherine

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" I’m all in favour of art that engages you, but it needs to be a relationship – not, like, just you talking quietly and soothingly through the door to the art, which has locked itself in the bathroom.” – Catherine

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" Oh, someone just walked over my grave. Hey, you know, wouldn’t it suck if it turned out your grave was, like, on a major pedestrian thoroughfare?” – Margaret

" We don’t know for sure that that’s not what causes Parkinson’s disease.” – Catherine

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" It was funny and we nearly died.” – Margaret

"That pretty much sums up our entire friendship.” – Leah

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" One of the things I love about the 21st century is being told "Mazel tov!" on my ordination as a female Episcopal priest by a gay bishop who's about to go to the inauguration of the biracial President whose middle name is Hussein.” – Grace (on Table Talk)

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" I thought I was so clever! I’m not. I’m a plagiarising fuck with amnesia.” – Margaret

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" Fine – it was the revolution of 1830. But it was French. With French people. And French words. And French soldiers. And French stuff.” – Catherine

" And sheep in overcoats.” – Margaret

" YES. I’d forgotten about that. What else went with sheep in overcoats?” – Catherine

" I don’t remember.” – Margaret

" Woodpeckers in space! That’s what it was!” – Catherine

" Oh yeah!!!” - Margaret

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" Hey, I let him pick the national anthem for our country – what more does he want?” – Margaret

" What was the national anthem again?” – Catherine

" Barbie Girl.” – Margaret

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" So, if I fancy a guy, all I have to do is trick him into selling me some chicken.” – Catherine

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" This survey makes me realise how grown-up and mature I really am. I have a cat and a washer-dryer.” – Catherine

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" Now I have to go watch ‘Hot Lesbian Sex Party In My Pants.’ I’m hoping it will uphold traditional Christian values, but I’m just not sure!” – Catherine

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" I think you should apologise to my ovaries!” – Margaret

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" It includes vomiting and sock puppets, which is all you really need for an evening’s entertainment.” – Margaret

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" Because Heaven works in accordance with the provisions of the 1862 Homestead Act, as we all know.” – Margaret

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" That’s the point when you realise you’re 3,000 miles away from the people you love, you’re fat, and you don’t believe in God any more. – Catherine

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