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Margaret's Anglocentric Film and Television Page
In which she expounds on some of her favourite examples of cinematic wonderfulness, mostly produced by the good subjects of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, the second of that name, though with a few brought forth by their fair cousins across the pond.
With thanks to Catherine for help with some quotes.
Film
The Wrong Box
UK, 1966
Starring: Michael Caine in his prime, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, Ralph Richardson, John Mills, Nanette Newman, Tony Hancock for about five minutes, and a very disoriented Peter Sellers.
Brilliant black comedy based on a Robert Louis Stevenson story. The most under-appreciated of Caine's work, with the added benefit of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore at their best. The chase scene with the hearses is brilliant. The plot revolves around the awarding of a tauntine - a lottery which 20 boys entered as children, and the money earns interest and is awarded to whomever lives the longest. It eventually comes down to two brothers, one intent on winning and one completely clueless.
Highlight: Peter Cook and Dudley Moore being Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.
Memorable Quotes:
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Life is a fraud, Master Michael."
"Thank you for making me see how ... obscene ... eggs are."
"My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class."
"Good Lord! Surely the populace are not demonstrating!"
"Of course, I was not always as you see me now."
"I think there's been an accident!"
"Who knows - perhaps our paths shall cross again." "God save us."
"The fact remains that Masterman Finsbury is alive and your uncle is dead. I have his death certificate here." "It's a mistake! It says he died tomorrow!!"
"I did not kill my brother. I tried to, but I failed!"
"Remember the chambermaid you got into ... thing?" "Yes." "Well, who was the doctor who did the ..." "Thing?" "Yes." "Pratt. Doctor Pratt." "Is he venal?" "I can ask."
"And this is Julia Finsbury. Soon to become ... Julia Finsbury ..."
"Well, brothers and sisters, I can see that we are not wanted here. We brought the gospel, and they would not listen. Damn them all."
"The butler did it?"
A Man For All Seasons
UK, 1966
Starring: Paul Scofield, Robert Shaw, Leo McKern, Susannah York, Nigel Davenport, John Hurt, and two Redgraves in cameos.
The story of Thomas More and his disagreement with King Henry VIII on the issue of the King's divorce from Catherine of Aragon. Particularly relevant at the moment. Winner of multiple Academy Awards. It got remade with Charlton Heston, who would seem to me to lack Paul Scofield's subtlety and intellectual charisma, but there's no accounting for taste.
Memorable Quotes:
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"I do none harm. I think none harm. I say none harm. If that is not enough to keep a man alive, then truly, I long not to live."
"Richard, it profits a man nothing he should sell his soul for the whole world. But for Wales?"
"Be a teacher. You'd be a good teacher, possibly even a great one." "And if I were, who would know it?" "You. Your pupils. Your friends. God. Not a bad public, that."
"I die the King's good servant, but God's first."
"So
now you'd give the devil benefit of the law?"
"Yes - what would you do? Tear down the law to go after the
devil?"
"I'd cut down every law in England to do that!"
"Oh? And when the last law was down, and the
devil
turned round to face you, where would you
"Catherine's not my wife! No priest can make it so! Those who say she are are not only liars but traitors! Yes, traitors! ... It is a deadly canker in the body politic, and I will have it out!"
"I know a man who wants to change his woman. Normally a matter of little concern, but in this case the man is none other but our liege lord Henry, the eighth of that name, which is a quaint way of saying that if he wants to change his woman, he will. Now our task, as administrators, is to minimise any ... inconvenience this might cause."
"You lay traps for me!" "No. I show you the times."
"The world must construe according to its wits. This court must construe according to the law."
"I am your friend. I wish I weren't, but I am."
"The girl's full of education - and it's a delicate commodity."
Another Country
UK, 1984
Starring: Rupert Everett (young and brooding), Colin Firth (young and skinny), Cary Elwes (young and dewy-eyed), Michael Jenn, Robert Addie, Rupert Wainwright, Tristan Oliver.
A look at how the atmosphere of the 1930's British public schools created Communist spies. The main character is Guy Bennett (played to perfection at two different ages by Rupert Everett), loosely based on Guy Burgess, a student at an unnamed school in the early thirties. Haunting, luminously romantic (the scene with Bennett and Harcourt in the punt ...), and harrowing.
Highlight: Adrian Ross-Magenty as Wharton.
Problem: The quad of the Bodleian library is kind of distinctive and famous. It's difficult to make us believe that it's part of Bennett's school. It's like that scene in "Elizabeth," filmed against the famous columns of Durham Cathedral, which they try to make us believe is Whitehall.
More photos, quotes, cast lists, etc.
Memorable Quotes:
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"Life is ladders, Judd. Prep school to here, first form to sixth ..."
"It doesn't come as any great revelation. It's more like admitting to yourself what you've always known. Owning up to yourself. Are you a Communist because you read Karl Marx? No, you read Karl Marx because you know you are a Communist."
"Martineau knew it about himself when he was ten. He told me." "You can't know that about yourself when you're ten - or now."
"You didn't think it particularly bloody at the time, Delahey."
"I'm not a soldier, I'm a schoolboy, and so are you."
"Wouldn't it be wonderful if Communism was really true?" "It is true." "What, heaven on earth?" "No, earth on earth. A just earth."
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"Everyone gives in in the end. It's Bennett's law."
"If they really knew what it was like here ..." "The fathers do."
"Fame or infamy, it doesn't matter. I shan't be forgotten."
"Everything beautiful is slightly lopsided."
"They died because they hadn't the sense to kill their commanding officers and start a revolution." "You are their commanding officers."
"He wants a quiet life with a quiet conscience, and he hasn't a right to either."
"I miss ... the cricket."
Cambridge Spies
UK, 2003
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Starring: The delectable Sam West, the aristocratic Rupert Penry-Jones, the lovely Toby Stephens, the brilliant Tom Hollander. Also noteworthy is Imelda Staunton as the young Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.
I didn't seen all of it until after Christmas, as I had to leave the country after the second episode aired (which sounds vaguely ominous ...). The first episode was tremendous; established the four characters very well, and gave you lots of background without overwhelming you. It also featured a walk-on by the marvelous Nicholas Burns, which we didn't notice at the time. (Unforgivable of us.) I had to miss the first half of the second episode, due to Alex's insistence on watching "Friends," but managed to catch the fantastic scene between Blunt and the Queen, as well as Philby's aborted assassination attempt on Franco. I saw the last few episodes around New Year's, and they get progressively darker, though I was very upset at the "cleaning up" of Burgess' attempt to get recalled to London in order to warn McLean that MI-5 was on to him.
Highlight: Tom Hollander as the brilliant, charismatic, self-destructive Guy Burgess. And the scene when Julian dies.
Memorable Quotes: (mostly from Episode One)
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"Ponces and spies don't have moustaches. The ones with the most to hide never do. So which are you, Anthony - ponce? Or spy?" "Oh, a little bit of both, Madam. Aren't we all?"
"I'm in bed with Virginia Woolf's socks ... please, Julian, not in front of the socks."
"Don't tell Guy, I don't want him hurt."
"I can't afford principles."
Above: Sam West, who played Blunt, in another incarnation.
"An Eton tie." "Sir was at Eton?" "And Trinity." "Sir was at Cambridge?" "And a red tie. Sir is a very happy Communist."
"Books. He had a suitcase full of books."
"You're ridiculous." "You just said 'I love you'." "No, I didn't." "Yes, you did, you said, 'you're ridiculous'." "Kim Philby ... you are ridiculous." "The feeling is mutual."
"You've got to put personal feelings aside for the cause. Babies die every day in this country. Old men and women are dying without dignity. Why? Because they're poor. Because they're poor. I hate it. I'd do anything to stop it. And I know you would too."
"I no longer have a beautiful, dedicated Comrade for a wife.."
"I love this country!! This sceptred fucking isle! This beautiful, foolish England!!"
"Only insurance salesmen and Russian agents dress like that."
"Eton ... Cambridge ... what next? Parliament? Whitehall?" "From quadrangle to quadrangle to quadrangle. A life mapped out in squares."
"If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I'd have the courage to betray my country."
October Sky
US, 1999
Starring: Jake Gyllenhall, Chris Cooper, Laura Dern.
The story of four boys in Coalwood, West Virginia, who get involved in building rockets. Jake Gyllenhall stars as Homer Hickham, who dreams of a world beyond Coalwood, but has no idea how to get there. The other three boys are affectionately sketched, moving past simplistic two-dimensional characters with brief, revealing insights into their lives. But what makes this movie fantastic is the relationship between Homer and his dad, played by Chris Cooper. This is not your typical "my dad doesn't understand me" script. The father's contributions to the town, his devotion to his job and the men who work for him, and his concerns about the future of mining, build a man who is complex and sympathetic and whose relationship with his son is coloured by both their perspectives, not just the hero's. The script avoids mawkish sentimentality and hackneyed speeches, and ends up being genuine and moving.
Highlight: The scene where John pulls Roy Lee's stepfather off him.
Memorable Quotes:
"Hope they don't bomb Coalwood. Be a heck of a waste of a bomb."
"Your father was one of the best men I ever had working for me. It was an honour to know him."
"You don't know what the mine gives me."
"Let the boys talk, Mr. Turner."
"You sit with him, you can kiss your chances of losing your virginity good-bye."
"It would need to be strong [to work as an accelerant]. At least 150 proof. I don't know where we can get that sort of thing."
Love, Actually
UK, 2003
Starring: Hugh Grant, Martine McCutcheon, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Kiera Knightley, Heike Makatsch, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Andrew Lincoln, Bill Nighy, Rodrigo Santoro, Kris Marshall, Ant & Dec, and The Bloke From The Office.
The latest to come out of the sugarcoated studio of Richard Curtis (Four Weddings, Notting Hill, etc., but also responsible for the biting wit of Blackadder, and don't you forget it), this shows the interlocking lives of what feels like a million Londoners, taking us through almost every kind of love story. There is the destructive near-affair of a married man, the sweet first love of a ten-year-old boy, the widower learning to love his stepson, the man in love with his best friend's wife, and the Prime Minister fancying the tea lady (lucky girl!). All these stories are inter-connected in various ways, but it doesn't really matter if you don't figure out how. You feel part of a community, part of an urban group with shifting membership and a vaguely tribal feel, even though you can't keep track of all the relationships.
Highlight: Hugh Grant as the brown-haired, blue-eyed Prime Minister (based on anyone?), telling off the obnoxious American President, played to perfection by Billy Bob Thornton. Times when I wish life imitated art more ...
Memorable Quotes:
"Thank you, Ant or Dec."
"My boyfriend said, who'd want to go out with a girl who had legs like tree trunks?" "You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him killed."
"You've made me ridiculous. And you've made the life I lead ridiculous too."
"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Christ?"
"Much easier than the last lot. No teenagers. No nappies. No scary wife."
"Relationship. That's a useful word, isn't it? Covers a multitude of sins."
"We are a small country, but we are a good country."
"My God, ten minutes at Elton John's, and you're gayer than a maypole."
"So go ask Carl out, and tell him you love him and you want to marry him and have lots of sex and babies."
"Worse? Worse than the total agony of being in love???!!"
"It's a ... self-preservation thing, really."
"This had better be good. I don't want to die rescuing some crap my grandmother could have written."
"Father is going to sell Aurelia to this Englishman!" "Cool!"
Bedrooms and Hallways
UK, 1998
Starring: Kevin McKidd, Tom Hollander, James Purefoy, Hugo Weaving, Simon Callow, Harriet Walter, Jennifer Ehle, Julie Graham.
Excellent romantic
comedy, biting social satire, and boys kissing boys! What more could you
WANT in life? The plot centers around Leo, a gay man living in London, who
begins going to a new-agey men's group and ends up confessing his attraction to
one of the other members, who is just breaking up with his girlfriend of seven
years. It gets complicated. Comic relief comes mostly from the
adventures of Leo's flatmate Darren, and his boyfriend, Jeremy, played by Hugo
Weaving (if you liked him as Elrond, you may be a bit disturbed), who has an ...
unusual ... fetish.
Highlight: The flickering, otherworldly camera work in THAT scene.
Memorable Quotes:
"Who is
it?" "I don't know, but his voice washed over me like a dark, powerful
river."
"I love being a woman. Not because of you, but because of me."
"I just had the most amazingly vivid dream." "No, it wasn't a dream. He's just made breakfast."
"Here, hold the harpoon. The harpoon has a very different energy. Very - male."
"I'm S&M-a-gram, and I've obviously got the wrong house."
"It's just a phase."
"You were wearing his jacket. I was wondering which of you was going to tell me first."
"Simmering animal passions about to break through the pie crust of decorum."
"There will be trips to art galleries. There will be lunches in Soho."
Priest
UK, 1994
Starring: Linus Roache, Robert Carlyle, and Tom Wilkinson.
For
a good review of this film, see Jon
Kennedy's page. Though I believe his view of the Anglican Church's
take on the subject is extremely rosy (read: completely bloody WRONG), given the recent controversy. Also,
he doesn't address the fact that Father Matthew's conviction that God doesn't
care who we sleep with because issues of war, famine, and pestilence are more
important, ignores the whole question of sexual abuse. Given that sexual abuse
is the other issue dealt with in this film - and that Father Greg obviously
believes that God cares very much who we sleep with and that we are supposed to
agree with him in the case of the father-daughter abuse going on in the parish -
this seems to be a striking omission. The thing that hit me most about
this film was how it didn't portray one side more sympathetically than the
other, but rather allowed you to see the very real hurt felt by both the
conservative and liberal factions within the church. And the difference
between Father Greg's "I have sinned and must be forgiven" and Father
Matthew's "you have not sinned" theology is beautifully underdone,
spare, and striking.
Look for Tony Booth
(the Prime Minister's father-in-law and leftie rabble-rouser) in a cameo
appearance as the old man bringing the two boys to the altar. One of the
boys is Euan Blair, the Prime Minister's son.
Memorable Quotes:
"Nice word... scapegoat. It dates back to an old Jewish custom. They used to invest all the sins of the tribe into a goat, and kick it up the backside so that it escapes into the hills taking all the sins with it. And we've got a scapegoat today. It's that mythical beast called society, drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, prostitution, violence. They're not our sins anymore. They're not the fault of the individual anymore. They're society's fault."
"We're priests. We're not bloody social workers. We're priests. Sacraments, reconciliation, moral guidance - that's our job, moral guidance."
"I can't smile and hug and preach the beauty of creation because inside here, there's just sin and sickness and evil."
"DO something!! You smug, arrogant bastard! Don't just hang there!"
"I look at Christ on the cross, and all I see is a naked man. Temptation."
"You were perfectly safe. You might find this extraordinary, Charlie, but you never really turned me on."
"Do you think God gives a damn? War, famine, disaster ... with all these things on his mind, do you really think God gives a damn about what men do with their dicks? If you have a doubt on the existence of God, doubt what I do. It's not war, famine and disaster... These things make me angry, but it doesn't make me doubt him. But when I look at the church today, and see ... hypocrites and pharisees thriving in possessions of power, then I doubt the existence of God. How could He let this happen?"
"Churches, Cathedrals, Bishops, Popes, all the trappings of power, we care more about that than the thing itself. The teachings of Christ - love and compassion for all mankind. All mankind: men, women, black, white, old, young, gay, straight."
"I'm supposed to be a priest."
"You've broken the vow of celibacy. That's all. So you should demand to be treated the same as any other priests. Heterosexual, homosexual, it doesn't make any difference. You've broken a man-made rule. That's all."
"How dare you turn your back on this man? How dare you do this and call yourselves Catholics?"
"I'm here to ask your forgiveness."
The Full Monty
UK, 1997
Starring: Robert Carlyle, Tom Wilkinson, Mark Addy, Steve Huison, Paul Barber, Hugo Speer.
Brilliant comedy
about six unemployed steel workers in Sheffield who decide to make their fortune
by stripping. Gaz (Robert Carlyle) is behind on his child maintenance
payments, and is inspired when he sees the crowd lining up for a local
performance by the Chippendales. He talks his friend David (Mark Addy)
into helping him recruit, and they begin training. However, this group of
ordinary men, in order to draw a crowd, must give the ladies something the other
performance didn't - the full monty. Total nudity. A wonderfully
refreshing take on body image and masculine identity, against the backdrop of
post-industrial north England.
Highlight: The scene on line at Job Club, when "You Sexy Thing" comes on the radio.
For excellent commentary, see Talking Pictures.
Memorable Quotes:
"Fat, David, is a feminist issue." "What's that mean when it's at 'ome?" "I don't know. But it is."
"They're not going to be judging your personality! Which is good, because you're basically a bastard! This, lads, this is what they're goin' to be judgin'! And what they'll say is, ' 'e's too fat, 'e's too thin, and 'e's a pigeon-chested little tosser!' "
"You could jump off a bridge" "I can't swim." "You're not supposed to swim, that's the point!" "You could have a mate drive a car into you." "Haven't got any mates." "We just saved your life, don't tell us we're not your mates. I'd run you down soon as look at you!"
"Gentlemen. The lunchbox has landed."
"When they start pissin' like us, lads, it's over. Men. We're obsolete. Like the dinosaurs."
"Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, anti-fat-bastard cream there is not."
"If we can't get our kit off in front of each other, what chance do we have in front of all those lasses?"
The Cradle Will Rock
US, 1999.
Starring: Hank Azaria, Cary Elwes, Vanessa Redgrave, Susan Sarandon, Emily Watson, Ruben Blades, Joan Cusack, John Cusack, Bill Murray, Cherry Jones, Angus MacFayden, and John Turturro.
Tim Robbins' baby,
about art, censorship, communism, fascism, power, money, and the Federal Theatre
Project. The plot centres around the production of Marc Blitzstein's pro-union
musical, "The Cradle Will Rock." However, this is taking place
in 1937, as the New Deal's Federal Theatre Project is in its last gasps and the
Red Scare is beginning to get its claws into Washington. Meanwhile, Nelson
Rockefeller has hired painter Diego Rivera to execute a mural in the lobby of
Rockefeller Centre, and is not too pleased with the results.
Highlight: The interaction between Cary Elwes and Vanessa Redgrave. Also, Hallie Flanagan's testimony in front of the Congressional committee, which was taken from historical records.
Don't really agree with parts of this review, but it's well-written and interesting.
Memorable Quotes: (from memory, may be slightly inaccurate)
"So I take Rockefeller's money, that means I am his slave?" "Yes."
"What about the other prostitutes?"
"It's a fascist song." "It's an Italian song."
"Are you a Communist?" "No, I'm a homosexual, that precludes me from membership. But I am loyal to the ideals of the party." "Well, I am loyal to a party of ideals." "No, you're loyal to the idea of a party."
"Union break!! We were in the middle of making this fucking play go somewhere for the first time, but no, take your fifteen minutes! This isn't work, it's ART!!!!"
"I need your help in a clandestine operation."
"I knew someone by that name once. She was a Jew. Until she started sleeping with fascists."
"Glorify form. Colours. Shapes."
Much Ado About Nothing
UK, 1994
Starring: Kenneth Branagh, my idol Emma Thompson, my future third husband Robert Sean Leonard, Kate Beckinsale, Denzel Washington, Keanu Reeves, Michael Keaton, and the bloke who plays Finch in the first Hornblower series.
Highlight: The first wedding scene. RSL goes beautifully ballistic, wearing leather and yelling Shakespearean insults. Also the soundtrack and the Tuscan countryside.
Memorable
Quotes:
Well, it's Shakespeare.
"Friendship is constant in all things, save the office and affairs of love."
"You seemed to me as Diana in her orb ... but you are more intemperate in thy blood than Venus, or those pampered animals that rage in savage sensuality!"
"One Hero died, defiled, but I do live."
"Is he not approved in the height a villain, that hath slandered, scorned, dishonoured my kinswoman? O that I were a man! What, bear her in hand until they come to take hands; and then, with public accusation, uncovered slander, unmitigated rancour, --O God, that I were a man! I would eat his heart in the market-place."
"Against my will I am sent to bade you come into dinner. There's a double meaning in that."
"He who has a beard is more than a youth, and he that has no beard is less than a man. He that is more than a youth is not for me. And he that is less than a man? I am not for him."
"I have a good eye, uncle. I can see a church by daylight."
"Silence is the perfectest herald of joy. I were but little happy if I could say how much."
"They swore you were almost sick for me!" "They swore you were well nigh dead for me!"
"I would rather be a canker in a hedge than a thorn in His Grace."
"I had rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me." "God keep your lady still in that mind, so some gentleman or other shall escape a predestinate scratched face." "Scratching could not make it worse an' twere such a face as yours were."
"I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage. But - doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No! The world must be peopled!"
Enemy at the Gates
US, 2001
Starring: Jude Law, Joseph Fiennes, Rachel Weisz, Ed Harris.
Set during the
Battle of Stalingrad, tells the story of sharpshooter Vassili Zaitsef, whose
celebrity (orchestrated by brilliant propaganda officer Commissar Danilov) has
inspired the Russian army to the point that the Third Reich sends a sniper of
their own to kill him. The ensuing cat-and-mouse game through the wreckage
of the city takes place against the backdrop of a tortured love triangle and
Danilov's growing doubt in the utility of publicity and stage management as
opposed to purposeful action.
Highlight: The score, especially at the end.
Memorable Quotes:
"Write it then - 'Vasilli Zaitsev is not dead. Thhis is what he had for breakfast this morning, here's a picture of him reading today's newspaper.' You're the poet."
"For them it's a choice between German bullets and ours, but there's another way; a way of courage, a way of love of the Motherland. We must publish the army newspaper again, we must tell magnificent stories, we must make them believe in a victory. We must give them hope."
"How are you
going to go about finding this young Russian?"
"I'll fix it so that he is the one who finds me."
"He isn't dead, and
do you know why? Because I haven't killed him yet."
"I've been such a fool, Vassili. Man will always be man. There is no new man. We worked so hard to create a society that was equal, where there'd be nothing to envy your neighbour. But there's always something to envy. A smile, a friendship, something you don't have and want to appropriate. In this world, even a Soviet one, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts, poor in gifts. Rich in love, poor in love."
"I want to help you, Vassili. Let me do one last thing, something useful for a change. Let me show you where the Major is."
Withnail and I
UK, 1984
Starring: Paul McGann and Richard E. Grant
Cult classic about two out-of-work London actors taking a weekend in the country. But it's so much more than that.
Highlight: Withnail's cathartic recitation of Hamlet's "what a piece of work is man" speech at the end.
Complete Script and Other Things
Memorable Quotes:
"I must have some booze! I demand to have some booze!"
"Stop saying that! We're not in the same boat! The only thing you're in that I've been in is this fucking bath!"
"Bastards! You'll all suffer!! I'll show the lot of you! I'm going to be a STAR!!!"
(after drinking lighter fluid) "Have you got any more?" "No." "Liar! You've got antifreeze!" "You bloody fool, you should never mix your drinks!!"
"Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!!"
"I wonder what happened to my agent. Bastard must have died."
"I pay you ten percent to do that! ... well, lick ten percent of the arses, then!"
"Perfumed ponce."
"I feel like a pig shat in my head."
"There's something living in there." "You mean a rat?" "It's possible." "Then the fucker will RUE THE DAY."
"I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and I have come here with the express intention of wishing one on you!"
"I deny all accusations." (Withnail's first words upon being woken up)
"It is the
most shattering experience of a young man's life when he awakes and quite
reasonably says to himself, 'I will never play ... The Dane.' When that moment
comes, one's ambition ceases."
"Free to those who can afford it. Very expensive to those who can't."
"Blood puddings are no good to us! I want something's flesh!"
"Wants to get down there and have sex with those cows."
"Don't threaten me with a dead fish."
"I think we've been in here too long. I feel unusual."
"Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future."
"Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Timechange. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, then all at once the frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores."
"Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees."
"At some point or other I want to stop and get hold of a child." "What do you want a child for?" "To tutor it in the ways of righteousness."
"How dare you tell him I love you?! And how dare you tell him you rejected me?!"
Bend it Like Beckham
UK, 2002
Starring:
Parminder Nagra, Kiera Knightley, Jonathan Rhys-Myers, Anupam Kher, Ameet Chana,
Juliet Stevenson
Known to some as "My Big Fat Indian Wedding," this is the story of Jess Bhamra, a London teenager who enjoys playing footie in the park with the lads more than learning to cook aloo gabi or revising for her A-levels. Her father, who was a brilliant cricket player in his time but who was snubbed by the English Establishment, and her mother, who believes that playing football is unladylike, discourage her from playing. However, her talent has been spotted by Jules, an English girl who plays on a team in Hounslow, and invites Jess to join. The two girls' friendship is tested when they both fall for their coach, and meanwhile, Jess's duty to her family is symbolised by her sister's upcoming wedding. A heartwarming coming-of-age story showing the difficulties of growing up bicultural.
Highlight: Juliet Stevenson as Jules' mum, the modern descendant of Hyacinth Bucket. Also the scene at the end with Jess' dad and Joe playing cricket together on the green.
Memorable
Quotes:
"Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!"
"Why couldn't you do it in secret like all the other girls??"
"If this is the only way I'm going to see you smile on your sister's wedding day ..."
"No, I ... really ... like Beckham."
"Lesbian? I thought she was a Pisces."
"All I'm saying is that children are a map of their parents."
"We will make even these mosquito bites look like juicy juicy melons!"
"That's not
all. She called me a Paki. But I guess that's something you wouldn't
understand."
"Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I understand what that feels like."
"Anyone can cook aloo gabi, but who can bend a ball like Beckham?"
"At least I taught her full Indian dinner ..."
"All I'm saying is that there's a reason Sporty Spice is the only one without a fellow."
"Eyes down. Don't smile. Indian bride never smiles. You'll ruin the video."
"This is how it started with your niece! Running off to become a model wearing small small skirts." "Mum! She's a fashion designer!" "She's divorced, that's what she is."
"I don't want my daughter to make the same mistakes I made. I want her to fight."
Stiff Upper Lips
UK, 1998
Starring: Sam West, Prunella Scales, Georgina Cates, Robert Portal, Sean Pertwee, Peter Ustinov, Frank Finlay
A delicious parody of Merchant-Ivory films (Wings of the Dove, Howard's End, Remains of The Day, etc. - all the costume dramas I saw when I was twelve and don't remember much of), starring the versatile Sam West in a brilliant against-type masterstroke. The plot (not that it matters) centers around the young and beautiful Emily, whose Aunt Agnes wants her to marry her brother's school chum Cedric Trilling. However, Emily begins to fall for the working class lad George, who saved her from drowning.
Highlight: The titles at the beginning of each section.
Memorable Quotes:
"They should run as God intended - bare cheeked, stark naked. Buttocks all a-tremble"
"Mr. Trilling, do entertain us with your rapier-like wit." "No."
"I'm a beautiful young virgin in Italy! I want my sexual awakening, and I want it now!!"
"Gandhi!!!!"
"I love
you. You have warlike swans." (translation of Edward's Latin at the
wedding)
"He was walking with a communist goat." "A commoner's gait! A commoner's gait!!"
"Italy is too foreign. Let's go somewhere more English. India."
"Son. People like us are the scum of the Earth. And don't you forget it."
"Do you ever have strange feelings?" "What sort of strange feelings?" "I don't know. Sometimes I just feel... strange." "I see. I also have strange feelings."
"What would your aunt say, if she caught us together like this?" "Mr. Trilling, you are most handsome." "I fear she would say no such thing!"
"India has driven a great many people completely mad, including myself."
Maurice
UK, 1987
Starring: A very young and dewy-eyed Hugh Grant, a vaguely miscast James Wilby, and Rupert Graves.
Based on
the E.M. Forster novel, this is a genuine Merchant-Ivory film, which is slightly
more daring that Remains of the Day, Wings of the Dove, and Howard's End, and
therefore got less press. Maurice (Wilby) and Clive (Grant) are at
Cambridge together in Edwardian England - and in bed together. For years
after finishing, they continue visiting each other, until the public ruin of a
schoolmate of theirs forces Clive to realise that Maurice could well be the
destruction of his cherished political ambitions. Filmed with a dreamlike
quality similar to "Another Country," and with fantastic performances
by Hugh Grant and Rupert Graves, though James Wilby goes overboard at times.
Memorable Quotes:
"Do you know, I would have gone through life half-awake, if you'd had the decency to leave me alone."
"There are other ways to be happy, you know."
"I'm unspeakable. The Oscar Wilde sort." "Rubbish."
"England has always been disinclined to accept human nature."
All I Wanna Do (previous title: Strike)
US, 1998
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Gaby Hoffman, Lynn Redgrave, Rachel Leigh Cook, Monica Keena
The Talented Mr. Ripley
Cabaret
US, 1972
Starring: Liza
Minnelli, Michael York, Joel Gray, Helmut Griem, Marisa Berenson, Fritz Wepper
The story of Sally Bowles, an American (in the film - stage version, she's British) cabaret singer in 1931 Berlin. Set against the backdrop of the twin decadence and severity of German life, and featuring one of the most understated, subtle love triangles ever filmed, this film explores ambition, love, sexual politics, and the life of ordinary Germans in the last gasps of the Weimar Republic.
Highlight: Bob Fosse's direction, choreography, everything ...
Memorable Quotes:
"I am a most strange and unusual person."
"Ten words. Exactly. After that, you have to pay more. You see, Daddy thinks of these things. If I had leprosy, there'd be a cable. 'Gee, kid, tough. Sincerely hope nose doesn't fall off. Love.' "
"Divine
decadence, darling."
"That would be the one German word you pronounce perfectly."
"Have you ever slept with a dwarf?"
"The Nazis are just a bunch of stupid hooligans. But they do serve a purpose. Let them take care of the Communists, and then we can control them."
"I am
sorry to bother you, but I could not tell no one else. I do not know no other
woman who is giving her body so frequently to men. Oh! I am sorry, my
English. Have I offended you?"
"Oh, no, not at all."
"Maybe you just don't sleep with girls!"
"I may have my tiny faults, but I'm really not about to white-slave her to Latin America."
"Outside it is winter, but in here, it is so hot, every night we have zee battle to keep zee girls from taking off all zere clothing! So don't go away! Who knows? Tonight - we may lose zee battle!"
"Tell him your lover is a gangster from Chicago."
"Screw Maximillian!!" "I do." "So do I."
"Brian ... not even a sweater?"
"The only thing you can do with virgins is pounce."
"I am a Jew."
"Aren't you ever gonna stop deluding yourself, hmm? Handling Max? Behaving like some ludicrous little underage femme fatale? You're... you're about as fatale as an afterdinner mint!"
"GOD DAMMIT, I'M GONNA HAVE A BABY."
"You're American." "Oh God, how depressing. I'd been beginning to think I was an international woman of mystery. I've been working on it like mad."
"I think I am falling in love with her." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "So am I."
"In here, life is beautiful. The girls are beautiful. Even the orchestra is beautiful."
"Start by admitting, from cradle to tomb - it isn't that long a stay. Life is a cabaret, old chum, it's only a cabaret, old chum, and I love a cabaret!"
Television
Coupling
The British answer
to Friends, only much less syrupy. Cynical and occasionally sweet, and
employing comedy of wit more than circumstance. And with better-looking
men.
I now own the first and second seasons on DVD, thanks to Catherine!!
Memorable Quotes:
"I really thought I'd gone to his house, you know, to heal our spiritual divide. But it turns out I was just gagging for a shag! Those two are so similar."
"Patrick's a Tory." "How Tory?" "Very Tory." "Well, in that case, how big?"
"She's going back to Israel tomorrow, she doesn't speak a word of English, and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket."
"When the Revolution comes -" "What Revolution? Your party's in power! You're the Establishment!"
"Geoff, don't go to the loo! Wait till Patrick goes and go with him!!"
"Patrick could pull lesbians. He'd confuse them with his haircut."
"Steve's whole fantasy life revolves around Mariella Frostrup. If he ever met her in person, his right hand would cry, 'Mother!!'"
"That's the sock gap! Miss it, and suddenly you're a naked man in socks!"
"Lesbians don't eat people, Susan."
"I've got too many legs!!"
"Are you telling me that at age six, despite all the obvious risk of electrocution, you sexually assaulted the television set, during Songs of Praise?" "Is that what happened to your hair?"
"You'll be the most moist person at the funeral."
"I need breasts with brains. I don’t mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere..."
"Well, I'm still attractive. Must be your problem."
"I'm bi-vegetarian." "You can't be bi-Vegetarian!" "Vegetarianism for me is about saying ‘yes’ to things - even meat."
"I pretended to be twins once. You know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane." "You are Jane." "She sort of took over. Long story."
"Are you crying?" "No ... I'm just so happy about all the underwear."
"THE ZONE HAS A NEW KING!!"
"A vegetarian is a person who doesn't eat meat, you insane bitch!!"
My Family
Starring: Robert
Lindsay, Zoe Wanamaker, Kris Marshall, Gabriel Thompson, Siobhan Hayes
Not much available on this show, even though it's been on for five years. It's also impossible to summarise it into quotes or an explanation, because there's nothing funny about the concept, and no one line is that funny on its own. It's just one of those shows that masterfully presents the completely absurd as normal, and the acting is superb.
My Dad's the Prime Minister
Starring: Robert Bathurst, Joe Prospero, Carla Mendonca, Emma Sackville, Jasper Britton, Brian Bovell
Why is the door to No. 10 blue?
I'll use the BBC's
own description here:
Poor Dillon Phillips, the prime minister's 12-year-old lad. His status as the son of the country's leader generates major problems: he's a source of scorn and bullying at school, his parents are always busy, and life's everyday routines are complicated by elaborate security procedures and the sometimes overzealous reaction of his (and his sister Sarah's) bodyguard, the ex-SAS police detective, Sharp. But Dillon gets by, seeking refuge in fantasy by imagining himself as a tough Newsnight interviewer grilling his family and colleagues. In real life, attempts to engage those around him often end in farce: his dad retains his elusive politician's persona at home, his mother is constantly preoccupied and Sarah treats him with the disdain traditionally held by sisters for their younger brothers. Worst of all is Duncan Packer, his father's smarmy spin doctor, whose only interest is the PM's standing. The omnipresent Packer will stoop to any level to keep the PM in power, regardless of what it may mean to his family.
Though aimed at younger viewers, this cunning satire contained much for all to admire, with barbs and witty wordplay nestling among the juvenile slapstick. No strangers to political comedy, writers Hislop and Newman scored points with ease, especially in their depiction of spin-doctor Packer. Robert Bathurst's prime minister was an essentially decent soul embroiled in the machinations of international politics and virtually powerless to make any real progress, a la Jim Hacker.
Bremner, Bird, and Fortune
Starring: Rory Bremner, John Bird, John Fortune
Half
documentary, half skit, this show saved my sanity last spring by allowing me to
laugh at the current political situation, and inspired a deep and abiding love
of Rory Bremner.
Memorable Quotes:
From "Between Iraq and a Hard Place," because that's the only transcript I'm willing to dig through. But all the videos are worth a look. Check it out.
BUSH:
CONDY:
Sir,
I’m sorry, but the phrase “98, 99, 100 coming ready or not”, does not
constitute an acceptable resolution. The
Syrians would never had backed it.
"Last year Britain and alone spent £4m pounds a week on [bombing Iraq], which must really annoy the fire fighters"
"And so Iraq was created. By us. The trouble was it had never been a country. Just a collection of tribes. Kurds, Marsh Arabs, Shiites, Sunnis, Turcomans, Jews, Assyrians. Mostly they detested each other, so you would think it would be a tough job for Britain to unite them. But we did it. Less than 3 years after we took over, they all got together to throw us out."
"This was the first systematic bombing of civilians in history. Another gift to a grateful world."
"If
the Arab population realised that the peaceful control of Mesopotamia ultimately
depends on our intention of bombing women and children, I’m very doubtful if
we shall gain that acquiescence of the fathers and husbands of Mesopotamia to
which the Secretary of State for the Colonies looks forward."
"Since the end of World War II the Americans have spent 19 trillion dollars on what they call 'defense' which they spell differently. And define very differently."
"Bin
laden and Saddam Hussein are like Nancy dell’Ollio and Ulrika Jonsson.
They can’t stand each other, they just like f__king the same bloke.
JOHN
FORTUNE:
JOHN
BIRD:
JOHN
FORTUNE:
JOHN BIRD:Well we learnt never to get into one of our helicopters.
JOHN
BIRD:
JOHN
FORTUNE: Reduced to what?
JOHN
BIRD:27 hours.
JOHN
FORTUNE: And did this come as a surprise?
JOHN BIRD: It did to the pilots.
JOHN
BIRD:
JOHN BIRD:Oh we don’t know. We don’t know. It is possible that Saddam Hussein as well as building up his chemical and biological nuclear capability, is also developing a mobile phone network. Certainly it would be useful if one of our tank commanders could you know, get out of his tank, get on his mobile, and say, you know, my tank has seized up, the rotor blades have fallen off the helicopter, the gun has caught fire, my rifle has jammed and my boots are melting, I await further instructions. And he can send a little picture of himself doing it.
TONY BLAIR: If we can disarm Saddam and bring peace and security to the Middle East, if we can bring a lasting solution to the people of Israel and Palestine, in that order, let’s not forget. If we can remove from positions of power, those who threaten their people and those in other countries, if we can bring peace to the world, and decency, and justice, and an end to famine and conflict, all within our own prudently costed financial limits for the coming year, then I say to you, then and only then will I be able to turn to our public sector workers and say 'look, I’m sorry what was it you wanted?'
Horatio Hornblower
Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jamie Bamber, Robert Lindsay, Paul McGann, Paul Copley, Sean Gilder, Sam West
Full Fathom Five, Part I. (over 18)
The story of a young man's rise in the Royal Navy during the Napoleonic wars. Excellently scripted, grappling with difficult moral issues, ambivalence, complicated relationships, and the politics of the day. Horatio's transformation from the idealistic lieutenant telling Captain Pellew that "we have God on our side" to the newly minted captain arguing that "it is better to earn loyalty than to demand it," is beautiful. Realpolitik, anyone?
Memorable Quotes:
"Archie!
Archie! Lieutenant Kennedy, REPORT!"
"It's not history that concerns me, Horatio, it's the future. It's much more uncertain."
"Poor Horatio - so quick to give, so slow to accept thee simplest gift."
"Would you do me the honour of being my First Lieutenant?" "It is I who is honoured, sir."
"My name's Hornblower." "What an infernal piece of bad luck for you."
"I fight for Ireland. Bonaparte's merely a means to an end."
"When Admiral
Pellew's done, you won't be dining on lobster."
"When we're done - lobster will be dining on Admiral Pellew."
"The war goes on. No sentiment or wishful thinking."
"When will you trust me? When they shoot me?"
"You took an
oath to serve your King"
"He's no King of mine."
"Napoleon has
nothing to offer Ireland but misery and bloodshed! That is why England has a right
to demand Irish loyalty"
"I think, sir, it is better to earn loyalty than demand it."
"When I was a child, I thought like a child ... but when I became a man, I
put away childish things."
"We will get to Muziac if I have to row there myself!!"
"Swim for it."
"You're the bravest man I know. You jumped off a cliff with a man who's afraid of heights and another who can't swim."
"Stiles, these are the good frogs."
"It's always been my experience that the more able the officer, the better turned out the men. At least in the army."
