30 Really Fun Things to Do While Crossing the Border
I am not responsible for any trouble that you may get into by attempting any of these.
- Wear drab clothes and produce a "Communists of America" badge as ID.
- Declare illegal weapons.
- Leave a 5 kg bag of baking soda in a clear plastic bag on the dash. If the guard inquires, offer him some.
- Buy him off with a case of Jack Daniels.
- Say, "But officer, all those serial numbers were scratched off when I bought them."
- Offer him homemade brownies.
- Do the "Is that something on your shirt? (then hit the chin)" trick to the officer, twice.
- Tie someone up in the back.
- Complain of how the Ebola virus is bothering you. Declare some Ebola medication.
- Ask if weed is still illegal in the States.
- Ask the guard if he's got a daughter your age.
- If he asks you where you're from, avoid the question.
- Fill the backseat with chickens. Try to justify the situation by insisting that you are taking them to a petting zoo.
- When he asks you to state your business, look around thoughtfully. After he's repeated the question a few times, say "Oh, you want to know now!"
- Do donuts in the customs parking lot.
- Ask if the official knows your dentist.
- Change the subject at least every five or ten seconds.
- Wear a cape.
- Wear a jacket with "Bob" on the arm and claim your name is Murray.
- Wear jailclothes. Speak of your parole officer.
- Paint your face green. Say, "Take me to your Leader!"
- Ask the guard if he knows if they sell plutonium at the duty free shop.
- Bring a cellular phone. Arrange for it to ring during the questioning. Get into an argument about "The Shipment."
- Leave small rockets painted neon orange in the back seat.
- Pat your head and rub your stomach. Ask him to try.
- Volunteer for a body cavity search.
- Try to hide your handcuffs.
- Read the Anarchists Cookbook the whole time he is questioning you.
- In answer to every question, touch your tongue to your nose and say "Nanu, nanu."
- Ask if you can call him "Sugarlips." Wink at him. Whistle. Alternately, use "hotcakes," "teddy bear," "Big Daddy," or "O Captain my Captain".
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