newest quote
Quotes from:
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
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I'll go out on the corner and see if I get lucky!
~Erin, January 1999, on waiting for Christopher Carl at Phantom of the Opera
No, my socks are falling down!
~Lauren, on the band bus at graduation 1999
I am the Jenga grasshopper!
~Kristen, summer 1999
Would you like some flavored spit? It tastes like juice!
~Kristen, summer 1999
You were bad, because I saw Daphne Rutabega!
~Kayte, August 21, 1999
I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Maybe I'll have some luck afterwards.
~Chellus, at the Golden Gate Theater August 25, 1999
"Hi." Hi." "Hello!" "Hi..."
~Conversation between Lauren, Erin, and Mark Leroy Jackson (Collins in Rent), August 25, 1999
Lots of big adjectives, and they all go to you!
~Kayteness to Josh Greene at the stage door, August 25, 1999
Witness the head!
~Lauren, August 25, 1999
Excuse me, miss, I don't mean to be rude, but you NEED to keep your shoes on.
~Rent usher to Kayte
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
~Jess, December 18, 1999 in Lauren"s email to Rochelle and Kayte
Sometimes when I look at you, I get the urge to gnaw on your shoulder.
~Jess, same day, same email =)
All my men's feet are in the air!
~Rochelle, December 31, 1999
My ass is not Y2K compliant!
~Christy, January 1, 2000
Everyone give me your bodies and I'll do 'em for you!
~ Tony, in health class, January 2000
Wow, that's so cool!
~Amanda R., pointing to a row of pads at Kroger's, December 1999
Where are your pants?
~Marissa to Lauren, January 26, 2000
I am not a seat-pee-er!
~Tracy, January 26, 2000
I'll work on my conversation skills and next time have them pertain to relatable topics
~Anthony, January 29, 2000 end of online conversation with Kristen
No, I'm not on crack. Are you?
~Rochelle, January 29, 2000
Jeremy don't swing that way!
~Kristen, at the Mock Trial pizza party, February 9, 2000
"Kevin, what's on your butt?" "Probably pineapple"
~Conversation between Rachel and Kevin at the pizza party, February 9, 2000
My chicken is asleep!
~Marissa, to the waiter at Cooker's, February 12, 2000
Some bodies just don't roll!
~Jenny, in dance class, March 22, 2000
Kyle: "You're whipping a dead horse, Blair."
Sarah: "Are you calling me a horse??"
March 23, 2000 in history class
I am not fat! I'm a slim donkey!
~Chellus, April 12, 2000
Let's compare balls!
~Kayte, on making rubber band balls on our road trip to LA, April 15, 2000
I am the queen of balls!
~Kayte, April 15, 2000
How much longer to chicken pea soup?
~Kayteness, April 17, 2000
Mickey Mouse doesn't even have genitals!
~Kayte, April 16, 2000
You have Slurpee issues!
~Kayte to Lauren, April 19, 2000
What's the ignition?
~Marissa at driving school, May 1, 2000
I wouldn't trust him with my thighs!
~Marissa, on Joel, May 2, 2000
Guys, can we please refrain from sucking?
~Nikki, in dance class, playing volleyball, May 5, 2000
RUN!
~Lindsee, as the volleyball came toward her, May 5, 2000
We're waiting for the big bathroom.
~Marissa, at Lauren's surprise party at Don Pablo's, May 7, 2000
We don't care if we die, just as long as we have cool air.
Aaron, on opening windows during a lockdown, May 8, 2000
My feet are breathing.
~Marissa May 18, 2000
Oh my gosh-a re-sealable bag AND individually wrapped pieces!!
~Kristen, May 18, 2000
Stop writing on my poptart!
~Charles, May 25, 2000
Don't hate me because of my beautiful navel!
~Mr. Sippel, June 1, 2000
Is my grandma wearing pants?
~Amanda at her grad party, June 3, 2000
Is that the reason people get drunk? To be able to act like us??
~Rochelle, June 21, 2000
You don't want to get too close to Kayte down there"
~Pig racing man at the fair, July 7, 2000
I like my attitude toward sex!
~Kayte, July 7, 2000
"No, don't chew those! Those are Birkenstocks! Would you like some Birkenstocks?"
*sneeze*
~Conversation between Kayte and Miranda the llama, July 7, 2000
I don't even know you! I know you want to sleep with them pig!
~Travis (a random boy at the fair) to Kayte
Some people think I'm weird. But that's not true. I have the heart of a small child. It's in a jar on my desk.
~random quote from Travis the pig boy
Come baaaaaaaaaaack!
~Sheep to Kayte, July 7, 2000
I'm excited. Are you excited? Frankly, I'm getting quite excited.
~Kayteness
No, I will not sell you my soul!
~Patrick, July 2000
I got SKILLZ!
~Kristen, August 31, 2000
Once again, measuring his dick and coming up short.
~Amanda, September 3, 2000
When it comes to liquids, I'm noisy.
~Amanda, September 3, 2000
"Who are you, and where did you come from?"
"Amelia!!"
~Conversation between Jim the door man and Kristen, September 3, 2000
"You three--go upstairs. You--I'm going to call the men in the white coats for you!"
"Hey, I know them!"
~Jim and Amanda, September 3, 2000
My grandpa was a very flexible man.
~Amanda, September 3, 2000
Amanda: Wow, he has a brass nut!
Lora: That could be a problem!
~September 3, 2000
You're going to fashion purgatory!
~Kristen, September 3, 2000
If you had something growing off your balls, wouldn't you want to cut it off?
~Heather, September 13, 2000
We discourage nudity here at T.J. Maxx.
~Casey, September 30, 2000
Oh my god, I chew my gum like a fucking horse!
~Tyler, September 30, 2000
Brad, pop your balls!
~Casey, September 30, 2000
I am a princess! All little girls are!
~Brad, at Home Depot, October 1, 2000 3:30am
Underneath that cloak is a verb dressed in a bikini.
~Mrs. Ciliberti, October 4, 2000
The stairs go down, but not up.
~Lauren, October 21, 2000
The spork--the multi-purpose utensil!
~Katie, October 17, 2000
That's it! [brandishes back-scratcher] Don't make me... scratch your back!
~Random Indian Hills High School boy
Have you ever touched a locomotive?
~Greg, in Look Homeward, Angel
I have a nut in my mouth... Chopped! Chopped!
~Casey, at Graeter's, November 2, 2000
You will shrivel up and die like an unhappy raisin. No one wants to be with a raisin!
~Marissa, November 17, 2000
We need different shaped seats for different shaped butts!
~Lauren, November 21, 2000
This guy's too straight--somebody give him an earring!
~District 14 director to Rob, December 2, 2000
Beware of the Corn.
~Random shirt
"Dinnerware: naughty elves party"
~seen on the side of a cardboard box
I think I have a big head!
~Kristen, trying on her Burger King crown, December 8, 2000
You look like a marshmallow--I want to eat you!
~John, waiting in line for Rent, December 9, 2000
You know you live in Kentucky when you take a pregnancy test at McDonald's.
~Brian, December 9, 2000
I'll have a quarter pounder, fries, and holy shit!
~Brian, December 9, 2000
I'm gonna stab you with the knife I don't have cuz it's in my sock!
~Brian, December 9, 2000
Do you want me to grope your butt again?
~Marissa, December 14, 2000
How can it be depressing? It's a condiment!
~Erin, December 28, 2000
I was trying to get to the cancer!
~Kayte, December 28, 2000
I hate paying shipping charges on used porn.
~Evan, December 29, 2000
Do you really want to live the rest of your life standing on your head?
~Kayteness, December 30, 2000
I could never do this wearing clothes. I need to bowl naked.
~Kayte, December 30, 2000
Your shoes are so sexy they make me want to hump Kayte's leg.
~Joe, December 30, 2000
You're an ass, but you're a pretty ass!
~Rochelle to Joe, December 31, 2000
Go to hell that's very far away from Germany and Ohio!
~Kayte to Jeff, December 30, 2000
I'm sorry Rochelle, your boyfriend is the father of my child.
~Erin, January 1, 2001 (01-01-01!)
I'm going to sit here and doubt his sexuality because he won't kiss other men.
Rochelle, January 3, 2001 (in NYC!)
Even Miss Ohio gets cold when it snows!
Lauren, January 3, 2001 (in NYC!)
There's nothing scarier than a big angry Scotsman running at you naked with a knife!
Joe, December 31, 2000
What kind of weird Cincinnati crap is this?
Kayte, 01-01-01
There's a virgin right next to us.
Rochelle, January 3, 2001 (in NYC!)
I know why it took him a year to write a song! He's a Backstreet Boy! Backstreet Boys don't write their own music!
~Kayte, after seeing Manley Pope in Rent, January 5, 2001
When we die of cheese poisoning, we'll all know why.
~Katie, January 9, 2001
I don't want to fuzz!
~Lauren, January 10, 2001
Marissa: I'm currently unemployed.
Katie: Oh, did you and George break up?
January 24, 2001
A relative pronoun is a transvestite!
~Mrs. Ciliberti, attempting to teach grammar
It's like his butt's on vibrate!
Kristen, January 29, 2001
Join the sane! Neeeeeeeeeeee!!!
~Leslie, at All-State Orchestra February 2, 2001
I want to be Mary Katherine Gallagher when I grow up!
~Tony 2-3-01
Have you had honey nut sex?
~Marissa, 2-5-01
It's a multiple liquid baptization!
~Rob, 2-10-01
I don't taste good unless I'm salted.
~Leslie (Steve) 2-18-01
You can't make it bigger if you don't have anything to begin with!
~Lauren, March 7, 2001
Tubas, too much crack!
~Pease, March 9, 2001
Rob: Can I have a big box?
Leslie: Like a coffin?
March 17, 2001
Is that the head or the butt? Yep!
~Lauren, Rob, Steve, and Lisa, March 17, 2001
It's kind of like I'm gonna die, but I'm not!
~Rob, on Lauren's driving, March 20, 2001
I should go practice in the bathroom!
~Rob, on making dying fish noises, March 31, 2001
I was hanging out with God. Don't worry mom, it was a religious experience!
~Rissa, on hanging out with Rob, March 31, 2001
Do you consider cheerleading a sport? Because last time I checked, whoring oneself to the idiocy of hopeful gain of popularity is not a sport.
~Mike Duffy, random friend of Jeff, April 12, 2001
Would you like a proverbial cookie?
~Qball, April 12, 2001
I'm gonna take two extra eggs and put them in my shirt.
~Kayte, April 13, 2001
You don't want the peanut butter and jelly to intermingle before their time! That's perverse!
~Kayte, April 13, 2001
You should give Rob S&M!
~Kayte, on making a CD for Rob, April 13, 2001
I know I'm disturbing. People tell me that all the time. But I'm not an egg.
~Nich, on dying eggs, April 13, 2001
Aliens would want to have my baby!
~Kayte, April 13, 2001
Excuse me, sir, we're closing. Will you be here much longer?
*silence*
~Rob, to Lewis, on leaving Lauren's birthday bear to pick up the tab, April 25, 2001
Rob has a wooden nickel ass.
~Leslie, April 25, 2001
I have a sexy phone in my pants!
~Rob, April 25, 2001
Quotable Action:
Lauren figuratively puts foot in mouth, Kristen literally puts foot in mouth.
~NHS field trip, April 29, 2001
Lauren: People think I'm a clarinet goddess.
Rob: Of course you are! I only hang out with other deities.
~May 1, 2001
This is a very Ohio place!
~Kayte, May 5, 2001
These are not bumper toilets!
~Kayte, May 6, 2001
This may be the answer to all our problems, if only he can get in his pants.
~Kayte, on Tyler answering his phone, May 6, 2001
What were you on? You were on Adam!
~Lauren's mommy to Kayte, May 7, 2001
We started the year with way too much hate, we're ending the year with way too much love!
~Steve, on racism and sex charges at Amelia, May 9, 2001
Mrs. Ciliberti: What is love?
Matt: Baby don't hurt me.
~English class discussion, May 14, 2001
I like to conjugate in the sand!
~Mr. Rudy, May 25, 2001
If I were you... I'd have sex with me!
~Rob, May 25, 2001
Corollary to above: There's nothing to do... except me!
It was a year round fucking goldfish!
~Rob, May 25, 2001
This needs to be awesome. Not awesome like DUDE!, awesome like terrifying. And that was terrifying for all the wrong reasons.
~Gabe, on CYWE's rendition of Bach's Tocatta and Fugue, May 27, 2001
How about a hand for God?!
~Paul Stanberry, conductor, May 28, 2001, prior to Rob's concerto with the Blue Ash Symphony
Sarah: Who wrote in this book?
David: I don't know, but they're some sick demented fuck-ups.
~Referring to Lauren's quote book, May 28, 2001
This one has boobs built right in!
~Marissa, on bra shopping, 6-4-01
Llamas are so hard to come by these days.
~Leslie/Steve, 6-6-01
Stupid mouse! It can't even go out the same hole it came in! Even men can do that!
~Karyn, on Pier One's resident mouse, 6-7-01
But I don't want to get naked!
~Lauren, 6-16-01
But I didn't say that! Lauren said that! I'd be naked in a second!
~Rob, 6-16-01
"Alright, young freaks!"
"Someone has issues..."
"Here, take a peppermint, you're gonna need it."
~Waiter at Five Seasons to Lauren, Rob, Sarah, David, and Ryan
Is this the car you screwed me over in??
~David, 6-16-01
Kilts are timeless.
~Mom, 6-17-01
Stanberry? Like a Stan-berry??
~Steve
You're my best friend!
~Guy at airport to Suzanne, 6-20-01
I have two degrees!
~Erinn, upon saying anything stupid on tour
Can I tell you a secret?
~Erinn, on the flirting tactics of Italian men
Can't...fight...current!
~Gabe, on ducks swimming in the river in Salisbury
Quotable action:
Erinn conducts with a fork at unsuspecting, terrified British boys.
I'm not smart right now.
~Margaret, on the train to Scotland
I'm going to engage the toilet.
6-27-01 on train to Scotland
Laxative apple tablets--they taste good and they make you go!
~Suzanne and Margaret's "commercial" on the train.
I need something functional that I can put a lot of shit in.
~Suzanne 6-29-01
Take this and stick it up...your chair!
~Melissa, 6-30-01
You could give him a Barbie and Ken doll and it would keep him busy for hours!
~Laura, 7-10-01
In this trio we communicate in a series of grunts and moans.
~Leslie, 8-4-01
It's an Amelia thing: cross generational trucks!
~Rob, 8-4-01
My ass will vibrate if anything happens, right?
~Kayte, 8-14-01
Yes, but they're not named after me. They're named after my fellow, the drug.
~eee 8-15-01
I have an ove and a stoven too!
~Kayte, on the appliances in her dorm, 8-15-01
You know what happens when you have too many beany-weanies? You go tooty-wooty!
~Kayte, 8-15-01
No, that was Jesus of Nazareth. I'm Jesus of Diablo.
~Facist Jesus (Joe), 8-16-01
Jeffy-pot, Jeffy-pot, Jeffy-pot pie!
~Kayte, 8-17-01
In the anals of English literature??
~Lauren, 8-27-01, mutilating a literary analysis
They should not allow stupid people on the earth.
~Morrigan, 8-28-01, to Rob
Don't you think computers are magical? I do! Agree with me or I'll kick you!
~Ms. Conway to Jenna, 8-29-01
"What do you call a grenade exploding in a kitchen in France?"
"Lauren!"
~Lauren and Rob, 8-31-01 (Real answer: Linoleum blown apart!)
I can picture someone sitting next to me grunting with satisfaction.
~Jeff, 9-4-01, in AP English
What's that moving jiggly thing under your shirt?
~Kristy, 9-5-01
Who wants to fuck the Volvo?
~Rob
You're sweaty for the wrong reasons.
~Roni, 9-14-01
I'm so cold, maybe I should put some pants on.
~Rob, 10-7-01
Are you guys hot?
~Lindsay, to Chessy and Lauren, while discussing Chessy's boyfriend
Fornication! Masturbation!
~Random lady on the OU campus, 10-19-01
Did you see her giant curd?
~Suzanne, 10-19-01
Everything on me is adjustable. I even have an adjustable cucumber!
~Brad, on his choir outfit, 10-22-01
Well there's a cause of homelessness! There's no door! They can't get inside!
~Krysti, in sociology, 10-23-01
If you don't know, aim low!
~Ryan, in calculus, 10-23-01
Ms Conway: Oh, so valedictorian really doesn't have anything to do with having the highest gpa? It really has to do with...
Roni: SEX!
~10-24-01
You're always pressing my panic button, Rob.
~Leslie, 10-27-01
Look, I'm a chair!
~Leslie
I'm not having a seizure yet, just give me more champagne on my pants.
~Rob
Cheesedom? Like a state of cheese?
~Leslie
I was thinking about triangles in the shower.
~Rob
You are NOT invited to my bed, at least not all three of you at once.
~Leslie
If you put it all together, you get Admiral Tight Rear End.
~Lauren, on the combo of Rear Admiral and Tight End
It's like the ice capades--the Steve Capades!
~Lauren
My ass is happy, I just can't feel it.
~Lauren, 11-1-1, at Rent!
Holy shit, that car is made of duct tape.
~J.D, in line for Rent tickets, 11-3-01
Could you sound a little bit more confused? It sounds too serious--by all means we don't want to sound serious!
~Gabe, during CYWE rehearsal, 11-4-01
That's just what I need�all the guys saying, "Well I used to like Kristen's hair, but ever since she cut it she looks like a weather girl!"
~Kristen, 11-5-01
Kayte: Look, it's a Kia! Hi Kia!
Rob: Look, it's a crack fiend! Hi crack fiend!
11-10-01
Lauren, I'm already pulling your button.
~Rob, 11-10-01
(to the tune of "Another Day" from Rent)
There's only Ohio
There's only Amelia
Forget Kentucky
Or live in fear
No other state
No other town
No place but Ohio
~Kayte 11-9-01
I can do Ronald Reagan! I'm good at Ronald Reagan!
~Lauren 11-10-01
Ms. Conway: Mrs. Stewart's gone off with herself.
Kristen: With the screwdriver?
11-19-01
I used to be smart. The curriculum just caught up with me.
~Rachel, 11-27-01
Dan.. Do you have some obsession with the posterior?
~Ms. Conway, 11-29-01
Let's Chuck some Dick!
~Brad, 11-30-01, in English class
Nous allons faire Richie!
~Rob, 12-1-01
Hermaphrothoughts???
~Lauren and Tony, 12-4-01 (Translation: From Afterthoughts?)
You can be a stripper now!
~Rob to Lauren, 12-7-01, running to Music Hall
Before 1994 it was Dick...Waller.
~Rob, 12-7-01
We're not people. We're clarinetists.
~Rob, 12-7-01
Rob: Do I have everything?
Steve: Check your pants.
12-8-01
Leslie: Is that the head or the butt?
Elizabeth: ...That's an artichoke.
12-8-01 (see 3-17-01)
Rob: Just give a female a chocolate shake.
Steve: Or give Rob a female shake.
12-8-01
It's just like me--cute and cuddly but makes you want to have sex.
~Tony, 12-18-01
You know Mrs. Keller, your boobs are not nearly the size of your daughter's.
~Brandyn, 12-30-01
I can't call you a backseat driver... You're a backseat dishwasher!
~Lauren, 1-4-02
He'd rather make out with his clarinet than make out with his girlfriend.
~Jim 1-13-02
Quotable action + quote:
* Rob dances to gospel music in the Music Hall lobby *
Richie: (while running through the lobby in a tux) Break it down, Rob!
1-12-02
I get off on Ronald Reagan!
~Jim 1-20-02
He's a beasty beanpole!
~Lauren 1-20-02
Having David and Nicki on me at the same time just doesn't feel right.
~Maya, 1-20-02
Damn, this woman can tongue like a bitch!
~Rob, 1-21-02, referring to clarinetists
Rob: Paavo's lover is in the room.
Steve: Where??
Rob: On the bed! Where else??
1-21-02
I could be a millionaire. I just need to sound constipated and put it on a CD.
~Rob, 1-21-02
I'm gonna go call my idiot.
~Kristen, 1-21-02
I'm pre-fetus... That's my major!
~Kristy, 1-23-02
It's like swimmin' in a shopping mall when you're a midget.
~Jenna, 1-24-02
She's hot, compared to my dog.
~Jeff, 1-28-02
How can you make a bitch subtle?
~Kristy, 1-28-02
He's one of VERY FEW people who I'm glad chose to reproduce.
~Nich, 2-1-02
We probably shouldn't keep that here, in case someone gets mad and tries to.. light all the candles...
~Monica, 2-3-02, on keeping a lighter in the Pier One cashstand
Brad: You're in a perky mood.
Ms. C: It was the lunch crack!
2-4-02
I'm an epiphanistic learner!
~Andrew, 2-5-02
Renthead: Have you been to the Burrito Buggy?
Jay Wilkison: NO, I don't eat food out of trucks.
2-5-02
We have so many smoke detectors I'm afraid to fart in some parts of the house.
Andrew 2-5-02
You know Katie, it's never good when you're being pursued by giant icicles.
~Matt Lauer, during Winter Olympics opening ceremony
Smack my stump!
~Rob, 2-9-02
When you're a cook, that's what you'll do--Hide and Go Eat!
Can you find your dinner?
~Rob and Steve, 2-9-02
This is like a pasta orgy--everybody's doing each other's pasta.
~Rob 2-9-01
Lisa: I love you, but no.
Michelle: That's what I said to the gynecologist!
2-12-02
She knows what it is that he needs. Food, sex, cows...
~Ms. Conway, 2-14-02
And when your children come crying to me because you're crazy, I'll tell them stories from when their mother was sane. It'll be a short story time, since you've never been sane...
~Erin, to Kayte
The way a clarinet is designed, it can please both sexes.
~Chip, 2-19-02
I saw the most hideous bug in my pot drawer!
~Rob, 2-23-03
This takes power sucking to a new level.
~Rob, 2-23-03, drinking milkshakes
There isn't much that's better than crack--it gets me through the day!
Ms. Conway, 2-26-02
Joe: Dammit!
Laura: Quit talkin' about the beaver's home like that.
3-3-02
He's not the perfect man--he's the man I'm settling for!
~Heather, 3-4-02
So other than one's bowels, what kinds of things might be costive?
~Ms. C, 3-6-02
I have a cheerleading competition and i'm the top of the pyramid so I"ll just have to miss rehearsal. Cheerleading is my life. Rah rah!
~Laura, making up excuses 3-10-02
Laura: I scream, you...
Joe: Ice?
Laura: Scream, dammit!
3-10-02
You're random, but you aren't a winamp demo.
~Rob, 3-11-02
Winamp demo: It really whips the llama's ass!
Leslie: You're weird.
Raymond: I'm weird? My name's not Steve!
3-17-02
I feel much better. Sometimes all you need is a good "fuck!"
~Lauren, 3-18-02, on relieving stress
They can't take your blood if you've had sex with a man who's had sex with another man, right? Then I'm out!
~Kristy, 3-19-02
A holographic Jesus? That's just wrong.
~Lauren, 3-22-02
I'm really impressed that Walmart has retro shirts. I'm going to come back and buy a retro shirt but next time it will involve buying little boys underwear.
~Lauren, 3-22-02
Lauren: We're in the children's department.
Steve: Is that where the boys are?
3-22-02
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~End of first quote book. March 22, 2002~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim: I'm going to the store.
Leslie: For what?
Tim: Paint balls.
Lauren: We have paint...but we don't have balls.
3-23-02
Lauren: Ooh! Can we? Can we?
Rob: What? Take a bath with Pop Rocks?
3-23-02
The guy next to me, he was like, shaking!
~Raymond, on the men's restroom urinals in Music Hall, 3-23-02
I always pray for a toilet.
~Raymond, 3-23-02
Hypthetical person in car: Wow, what is THAT guy on?
Rob: I'm on Brahms!
It would be fun to do this blindfolded!
~Bob, on poker, 3-25-02
Mr. Patterson: Is anything else wild?
Bob: I'm wild!
Mr. Patterson: And I'm crazy!
3-25-02, playing poker
Tracy: I need a Q-tip to blow my nose.
Lauren: That's gross.
Tracy: Well, it's that or my finger. Take your pick!
4-6-02, on nose rings
Ms. C: My love is like a watermelon.
Kristen and Brad: It's juicy!
4-9-02
Online conversation quotes:
Lydia: I'm so sexy, I started the fire!
Rob: I won the dick contest!
Leslie: Wait til ya see Rob
Rob: Well, on of the girls was named Steve, so I beat her dick.
Lauren: Was it something about DICKS and MOUTHS, Rob?
4-8-02
Lauren: I'd like to super-size my saag paneer.
Kristen: Yes, that is a surgical procedure.
4-11-02, on Indian food
Artichokes for world peace . . . well, if you want world peace in my bed!
Rob, 4-13-02
I've done worse with raisins.
Leslie, 4-13-02
If I look at my watch, I'll drop my drawers.
~Chip, 4-15-02
Hey...Is Virginia Beach in Virginia?
~Brad, on the bus to Virginia Beach, 4-18-02
Well, I could have said it's a wine colored chenile bear, but then you'd know I work at Pier One.
~Lauren, 4-21-02
...That better not be a condom.
~Rob, 4-29-02, as Lauren takes a peppermint out of her purse
*to the tune of Frere Jacques*
Ou est Shifrin? Ou est Shifrin?
Il est la! Il est la!
*pause*....la la la la la la!
la la la la la la!
~Rob and Lauren, at the Shifrin concert, 4-29-02
But we talked about that rest! It's very sexy...
~Mrs. Peters, 5-1-02, to women's choir
Forget your husband! Get a dildo!
~Raymond
That's about as dirty as Chuck E. Cheese! *skats dirtily* Let's go play skeeball!
*Later*
That's much dirtier. Thank you.
~Gabe, 5-12-02
Lauren: Rob's confused. I'm trying to straighten him out.
Mom: You don't have time for that now. That will take years of therapy.
5-12-02
Lauren: I can't hear them call the names.
Waitress: MEYER!!
5-25-02 [quite amusing, but not so amusing out of context. oh well.]
It's the post-mortem slap of death!
~Rob, 5-24-02
I don't like neutering cows. [Translation: I don't like maneuvering in crowds.]
~Rob and Lauren, 5-24-02
Rob: How big is your Bessler? Your enlarger?
Richie: Oh Rob!
5-24-02
Quotable Action:
Richie attempts to bend plastic spoon into bracelet, but snaps it, sending spoon fragments flying into baby carriage.
5-24-02
I'm gonna play against myself. I hope I win!
~Rob, 5-24-02
Memorial Day is for lovers.
~Jose Luis Novo, 5-27-02
We're going to look for virgins. [Translation: We're going to look for Spurgeons.]
~Kayte and Lauren, 5-27-02
[Editor's note: I have been severely misunderstood several times in the last day or so. Perhaps I should begin enunciating.]
So there is this one, singular uberboob.
~Nich, 5-29-02
Bananas! For some reason I am just hormonally attracted to bananas!
~Kayte, 5-29-02
There's nothing quite like good clean fun with a hot dog.
~Brandon
I was looking at your boobs and I thought, wow, Erin has big boobs, and Lauren has big boobs. If you had small boobs, I would have called you Rochelle.
~Kayte, after calling me Erin, 6-1-02
Look at my eyes--do we hit, and bite, and eat ants? NO--not at all.
~Lili, 6-6-02
From you to me, from me to you the wonderful happy artichoke circle of love.
~Rob, 6-8-02
Rob: (reading mustard jar) Napa Valley Mustard--hot, sweet and spicy.
Leslie: That's me! Hot, sweet and spicy!
~on random camcorder excursion, 12-01
Thank god for testosterol...and here's Lauren!
~Rob, on video
Dammit camera, don't molest Steve!
~Rob
Rob: I can't wait!
Leslie: Well you're going to have to wait, Rob, we're in the car!
You missed the people watching us! They were just observing us--kind of like a petting zoo, but with crack fiends. And no petting.
~Rob, after battling Lauren for the front seat in the Don Pablos parking lot, 6-19-02
Not everything can go on Lauren!
~Leslie, 6-19-02
You've quite possibly lost your last marble.
~Rochelle, after reading road trip haiku, 6-22-02
I accidentally wrote a haiku about wonder bread today.
~Leslie, 6-27-02
I've already been in handcuffs tonight, in various positions.
~Lydia, 5-3-02, at our bday party (quote stolen from the happy thoughts book)
...I have psychological issues. I take two advil and put them in my pocket and then I feel better.
~Neha, 7-1-02
Lydia: When I straddle it, I feel like a seahorse.
Brandon: Hey baby, I feel like a seahorse.
7-1-02
You mean... Your name's not Pageturner?
~Schmer, having a revelation about Lauren's nickname
Lesson 15: You can develop dating skills.
~Nicki's health book
Leslie: Yes I've seen it!
Lauren: You've seen his bed, or you've seen it?
7-5-02
That's a really big mound of whipped cream and I just hafta...*Nicki dives into whipped cream glob*
7-5-02
What's hard and in your sleeping bag?
~Leslie, 7-6-02
My name is McSmile and I'd like some McCracken!
~Leslie, 7-6-02
Leslie: Happy my thoughts
Lauren: I'm sure you can happy Leslie's thoughts any day of the week!
~7-7-02, in an online convo with Noah
My pillow smells like guys. There have been so many of them in my bed today.
~Leslie, 7-6-02
Mommy, the more you eat, the more you have babies!
~Random little girl eating breakfast at Perkins at 11:30pm, 7-12-02
Lauren, don't do that! This is deliverance country! There are little inbred children playing banjos in those fields!
*Later, after passing Gravel Washer Rd*
Oh good, those children have something to do when they're not playing banjos. They wash gravel!
~Mom, 7-22-02, convincing Lauren not to pull over on the drive to Athens.
I can just see it--they'll carve 'Lazarus' on my tombstone. People will say 'Oh, because he rose from the dead?' and they'll say, 'No, because he took his pants off there.'
~P Diddy, 7-27-02
Excuse me, ma'am. Your shirt says 'Kiss me'. Do you want me to kiss you?
~Random kid with a towel wrapped around his head, to Suzanne in NC. 8-4-02
Blue Ash Policeman: You know, when I was in high school, people did strange things with brownies.
Tonya: Oh, they still do!
8-16-02
Larry King: Are you in love with anyone right now?
Matthew Perry: Just you, my friend.
8-22-02
I touch things that other people just won't touch.
~Rob
Instant entertainment: just put Rob and Lauren in the backseat!
~Leslie
So PT, do the kids ever call you TP?
~Brandon
Marko: I'm having breakfast by myself tomorrow morning.
Lauren: Have fun.
Marko: By myself? Only once a day.
I think I'd take advantage of the quality son fucking.
~Pummell
Rob: Ooh, I'm gonna be so fucked in the morning.
Leslie: We can get you fucked now!
9-6-02
It's like The Wizard of Oz, and 75 is the yellow brick road!
~Rob, 11-9-02, on going to see Yehuda Gilad
I'm not drunk... Yes I am!
~Drew, 11-2-02
Lauren: Where were you guys?
Hannah: In Paradise. There's a Taco Bell there.
1-8-03
You know... We're rolling blue balls! Wait, it'll be funnier in a second... *drinks rum and oj* Yep, my ball's bigger than your's!
~Emily, 1-9-03
Why does the entire internet think I have a penis?
~Angela, 1-16-03
Sometimes he just opens up to me in inappropriate ways.
~Erich
callmeIshmaelD: i hate writing papers
Auto response from callmeIshmaelD: i hate friday afternoon lessons =(
callmeIshmaelD: i never really write them
callmeIshmaelD: i sit here and search imdb.com
callmeIshmaelD: and get nothing done
callmeIshmaelD: and have no inspiration
callmeIshmaelD: and that makes me sad
callmeIshmaelD: for what is life really
callmeIshmaelD: without inspiration
callmeIshmaelD: just a dark void of the absyss
callmeIshmaelD: kinda like chocolate pudding
callmeIshmaelD: accept you don't have a cosby to endorce it
callmeIshmaelD: and what is jello without Bill Cosby?
callmeIshmaelD: we shall remember him
callmeIshmaelD: and the eighties will strike back
callmeIshmaelD: for the seventies had disco
callmeIshmaelD: but the eighties will always have bob saget
callmeIshmaelD: not to be confused with mr. bullock
callmeIshmaelD: who hugs less
callmeIshmaelD: but is a better man
callmeIshmaelD: because of it
callmeIshmaelD: or inspite of it
callmeIshmaelD: and carebears don't really give a damn
callmeIshmaelD: that is all
10-24-03
If it sounds like I'm beating up the CD player, that's because I am.
~Dr. Barte, 10-24-03
By the way, I stole this from Schubert. He's a very good person to steal from. He's dead.
~Dr. Riley
...so the blues were the original FUBU...
~Andrew
Lauren: but we like midgets...
Emily: But if midgets were on pogo sticks and pogosticking toward you in mass, there would be a bit of trepidation in your heart
Oh shit, I got my pants stuck in the computer... Oh good, I got them out!
~Rob
"Rob, how were your boobs?"
"I wore them once, and they were great!"
~Hypothetical conversation over ice cream, 1-2-04
...And then they all gang-banged Lydia...
~Jeb, 1-2-04
I feel so much better now that Rollie doesn't have a streak of Pasha in him.
~Lydia
You've got fire urine!
~Rob
I decided today that if Bush and Cheney were strapped into a toboggan and sent careening down Mt. Everest, and I could stop the toboggan (and their untimely demise) by pushing a button, I may not be a good enough person to push the button. Ethics 101.
~Mom, 10-27-04
tshkvarc: Right. I happen to know a few bush supporters here. And they support him for his *morals*
HiImKayte: you have friends who enjoy being fucked up the ass with large objects?
So I'm not the only one that our relationship turned gay...
~Rob, to Lydia
clarinetjoe14: You are smoking crack but...
Stolen from Rob's profile:
Lauren having a good time on the town:
clarinettie24: i'm good. went to the 24 hour bakery and had a muffin
lostrob84: and for his information, my wrists are not limp
lostrob84: unless I'm talking about sweaters
lostrob84: or iced mocha frappachinos
lostrob84: I cleaned all my pens with windex today
Clariphonist: it's very odd
Clariphonist: but I think I'll join
Clariphonist: I'm ready to recruit young men for Jesus
Ok, everyone get your own thing and if something lines up we can exchange fluids.
~Rob
Lucy: Why do you always eat Indian food with Lauren?
Rob: Because she's insane.
*pause*
Lucy: But Lydia's insane.
Rob: Sometimes I eat Indian food with Lydia.
*pause*
Lucy: Angela's really insane.
Jeremy: Hey Beth, what's the capital of our country?
Beth: Shut up! We don't have a capital!
There is one correction to the program tonight. You will notice that at the top it says "Julie Whitt, Bassoon." Julie Whitt, in fact, plays the oboe.
~Kevin
And yet, in spite of his nerliness, he's really quite addictive.
~Lydia, speaking of Dave, 2-28-05
We were trying to figure out how many times Lauren has seen Rent... and I was trying to figure out what seeing Rent 12 or 13 times has done to her sense of reality.
~Mom
Dr. Climer: Guess what.
Josh: Chicken butt?
3-8-05
I found a great alternative to beta blockers-- Beer!
~Leslie, 3-15-05
...And he said you stole Superman's glasses...
~Crazy guy at the psych hospital to me and Jess
Catchphrase quotes:
Dave: You have a one night blank in a hotel--You blank your grandmother...
Clue: "What you say to get a date."
Andy: "Will you marry me!"
Clue: This is what 13 year old Jewish boys do."
Answer: "Circumcision?"
Sorry I haven't called you in a while. I've been involved in an international money laundering scandal.
~Rob
And then I had my picture taken with a light up goose named after Beth's Indian lover.
~Ben
She's faking everything right now, including orgasms with her boyfriend.
~Ellen
But some people need to feel like they can talk to someone before placing their cock in another person's mouth or elsewhere.
~Lydia
But you're the class of this organization. Without you it's just me, the freaknut who brings in the strippers, and the goose.
~Dave
Sometimes I wonder why you're my friend, but then I look at myself and I understand.
~Lydia
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