Mister Death" (531)
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| "how do you like your blueeyed boy Mister Death" (531) |
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| William was my last boyfriend. He has inspired in me the hope that I�ll never date again. William wanted the most emotionally intimate relationship possible, something I could not give him in the less than four months that we were together. I had never lived with anyone before, at least not someone I was involved with. It was so easy to fall into, even though I denied to myself that I was living with him. I wasn�t paying rent, and I still had my own place. Then his place became my own place. The only place I wanted to be. A kiss in the morning before leaving. Him in his overcoat and me in his blanket. Drop the overcoat, kick the blanket. Whispered �if you want me to i�m gonna cry you a river tonight if you ask me to i�m gonna slide right into your dreams�(,) as his hand moved to my head. Then over coffee, I didn't recognize him. I knew that he was William, and that this was who I�d been sleeping with for three months, but it was far away, like I was reading it about someone else. Then the instant was gone. I shook it off. Then. The phone. Ever since the break-up, we have tried to be friends. This has led to a cycle of us spending enormous amounts of time together, followed by a fight, followed by a separation, then a reconciliation. Somewhere down the line, Adam evolved into William. Or William evolved into Adam. Or I evolved. As Adam had wanted a physical relationship with no commitment, William wanted an emotional relationship with no strings. Look into the mirror. Who is the reflection? I am lost in the ambiguity. Sometimes I wonder if he only feels obliged, that he doesn�t like me at all, but then sometimes I don�t doubt. He believes that he is responsible for me. When we were together, he said he had "tamed" me. I hated this idea, but I later believed that he had tamed me, that he was somehow responsible for me. �Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivois�.� (72) When he left me, it was an abandonment of his responsibilities. I was angry at him for making himself responsible for me and then leaving. Then I became angry at myself for allowing him to be responsible for me. This is when I began to understand. I can�t be this person anymore. This is the beginning of my nuclear winter. | ||||