Blog entries from May 7 – June 5, 2002
Blog entries from June 6 - July 19, 2002
Blog entries from July 30 - September 8, 2002
Blog entries from September 8 to October 23, 2002
Blog entries from October 27, 2002 to March 14, 2003
Blog entries from March 31 to July 19, 2003
Blog entries from July 20, 2003
Dear Blog,
There are steel walls in every direction, no matter where I move, they block my path. They guard me from making some fatal mistake, keep me on the road free of lifelong regrets. Is this how I want to live my life? What if I regret selling my childhood, not for money, but for a chance to prove myself to the world? Nothing seems right. Why should things of so little importance matte rso much? Who am I doing all this for? Apparently myself. Apparently...but it doesn't make me happy.
I want to blame it on them, my parents, but it isn't their fault. I want to blame it on the school, but it's not their fault. I really want to blame it on my coach, but he can't help being the prick he is. So, the only person left is myself.
But what for? For aiming too high? For wanting something I should've known I can't have? For pretending? For changing my mind?
I'll give those colleges a sob story: One day there was a girl who really liked school. Then she realized that that wasn't what school was about. It's the person that can eat the most BS and regugitate it that wins, collects $200 and passes GO.
And, yes, school is the reason why I write as if I'm on drugs. Why else would a journal entry have metaphores, similes, and grammar and spelling corrections? So let me get to my point already. School is a big fucking waste of time. Right now I feel like all my hard work, my studying, my time...everything has been for nothing. I was too stupid to get straight A's and I have to spend nearly $1000 just so the colleges won't spit on my SAT scores. But, both are almost decent enough to get me into a relitively good school....however that is only because I do other things like music and water polo. I love music. I am absolutely in love. Water polo, however, I could live without. It's a battle with myself because I want to paint myself green and run around in my swim suit and be a senior starter....but I HATE practice. I hate getting yelled at by my coach. I hate wasting my time by going to a game way the hell out in Orange County and not playing. It's all not worth it for me. Personally, I could live without the guilt trips and locker room drama. But, for once (unwillingly) I agree with my mom. I can't quit now because I want to go to college. And because i'm not a genious and I don't tutor underpriviledged kids with terminal illnesses, I need an excuse....and that excuse is water polo.
God, I'm so scared. I'm so scared that I'll do something wrong. I'm afraid to lose everything before I even get it. I wonder how it could ever be possible for me to do something that would propel me into the life that I dream of. And I wonder if I"m doing th eright thing. When I think about who I am on the team, I want to puke. I'm nothing. And I go along with everybody else because I don't want to cause a scene because I'm not good or dedicated enough to do so.
Well, I can tell you, I can't wait for this black cloud of self pity and masochism to go away. Maybe when I don't have to worry about life...then, perhaps I'll be able to enjoy it.
Love, July 16, 2002 Dear Blog,
Today I got an email from Eva which was the first thing that reminded me of how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have the friends that I have. After I read that I started to think of how I really take that for granted. A lot of times I cry or get depressed about my grades, how I look, or about not having much control of my life (my parents dominate). But now that I think about it...those really aren't the important things. What's important is the fact that I have people in my life who I love (and for those of you who might not believe it, I do love my parents). And after Eva's email and reading Pierre's blog this morning, I think I might be able to safely say that there are people who care about me too. So, what more could I possibly ask for?
Love, July 14, 2002 Dear Blog,
I need to work on my Physics...but I'm too tired from sitting in the jacuzzi...and I just want to go to sleep...Hmm..I need to do work...well, I guess I'll just go do it...talk to ya'll later!
Love, July 13, 2002 Dear Blog,
Ok, last night was so funny. Anya, Pierre, and I went to see Men in Black 2 (BTW, the Mann Theater SUCKS!! It's costs $9.50 to see a freakin movie there. Go pay an extra 3 or 4 dollars and you can see a live theater show at the Mogan Wixon...much more worth the money). Anyways, so after the movie we waited for her parents to get out of their movie and then we walked to their car. As we were waiting to get into the car, Anya look at Pierre pocket (Anya why were you looking there? lol ::wink wink::) and said, "Pierre, what's that?!?" Pierre put his hand in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, held it in the air and said, "it's my cell phone, why?" LOL, then I started cracking up, and then Pierre realized why I was laughing and then he started to laugh really hard....then a little while later Anya says (while laughing), "EWW...you guys are sick, you thought I was – eww, no –" And then Pierre says, "Anya, that would've been bad if that wasn't my cell phone." And Anya got embarassed...lol, it was just really funny. (Also, Pierre and Anya might write about this too so you should check out their blogs to get their point of view.)
So, yep, fun stuff. I was so happy yesterday! Pierre and I left my house a little bit late for class yesterday so we were walking pretty fast and we were worried that we wouldn't make it there on time. I felt so badly for him because he had a bee sting on his foot and his stomach hurt from his confirmed lactose intolerance experience. So, about halfway to SMC, one of us said I bet class will be cancelled. And guess what? it was =) Our very friendly lab partner had waited for us to come and we went and had lunch with her. She's so nice, I've taken college classes before and I never really talked to any of the college students (I stuck with my own kind from high school or no one at all) but in this class I've talked to a lot of them, and most of them are really cool. Especially Monica. Last night she went on a blind date with some guy she met on the internet (hopefully for her it went well), so she was really excited yesterday. Lunch was very nice.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about New York and the experience I had there. For some reason I don't think the opinion I made was fair, since the circumstances were a bit strange, and going anywhere with my family can turn into such a mess. I think part of the reason why I'm giving New York another chance is because there are a lot of schools that I would like to go to in that area. It's sad because this whole idea is haunting me in my sleep. For the past few nights I've been dreaming about New York....it's weird. I guess I should just go there again with some friends (LOL, as if that will ever happen). Well, we'll see where life ends up taking me.
I really miss a lot of my friends right now. I haven't seen Casey and Eva in almost a month, Melody in 4 months, and Kristen in 11 months (wow, the last time I saw her was the day after seeing Rush Hour 2 with Anya and Pierre). I know that part of the reason I haven't spent time with these people is because I'm too busy or they live far away or they are busy. But I really wish I had more time to spend with all of my friends. It makes me sad to think that I might be losing friends because I'm involved in so many things. I know they are still my friends, but some of them I know aren't nearly as close as they used to be. Hmm...and I wonder how my little friend Bradley is doing, or how about Maxine, Lyle and Sara? How are they? Jeez, I haven't talked to them since I was about 7, I wonder if they even remember me. I guess Bradley isn't so little anymore...he must be going into 6th grade, now wait, 7th grade. And Maxine and Lyle are both 12th grade....so Sara must be either a freshman or sophmore.... I wish there was a way for me to see them now.
Oh well, maybe I should just be happy with what I've got, and the memories of some of these people. But I'm not, so there. And just so all of my friends know, you are a really huge part of my life and I love you guys for it. And I miss you guys.
Love, July 12, 2002 Dear Blog, July 9, 2002 Dear Blog, July 7, 2002
Trapped am I in this world of perfection without a way to express the words that itch at the end of my lips. I have a burning desire to scream, "Fuck this. Fuck all these lies and bullshit." If there ever was a time that I have been more insanely jealous of those who have "it". Now is that time.
Laura
I think I must be the luckiest person in the world. Sure, I might not be wealthy, or priviledged, or a genius....but I have so many good friends. As my dad has told me countless nights when I worry about people who used to be my friend or people who I want to be my friend....he reminds me to be grateful that I have the friends that I have. He says, Laura, how many people have to use both hands to count their good friends? Not many. Today, after a night of wondering why I have the life that I have, I am glad I have the life that I have because I have so many people I care about. In the last few days I've talked to a couple of my friends that I haven't talked to in a while. Probably the biggest suprise was that Melody actually called me! I couldn't believe that she even thinks about me, let alone calling me. That was after spending a day with Anya and Pierre, my good friends, and the day after being with Kimberly, another good friend. Yesterday, out of nowhere, I got a phone call from Jaden inviting me to go to the beach. He's not really a close friend anymore, but I haven't talked to him (not really talked to him) since 9th grade. So it was nice for him to have thought of me. And yesterday, since class was cancelled, I went to see Minority Report with Monica, her bf Sean, Jeff, and Pierre. Then we went out to dinner...and it was all so...comforting.
Laura
Whoo hoo! Anya went to Pierre's house =) LOL, she finally met Napa and Orage and Isabelle. (unfortunately Eric wasn't there for her to meet...)
Laura
Awwwwww!!! Everyone has to go read Anya's blog!! She is one of my bestest of friends....let's everyone give Anya a big, giant hug! =) ::HUGS:: And congrats to her for starting her blog...believe me everyone, she's mucho excited about it.
Laura
I don't understand why I don't understand. For the past 3 or 4 nights I've been studying physics nonstop...as Monica would say, I've had many intimate evenings with my physics book. Yet, it still hasn't clicked. I still can't solve the problems. Have I reached my brain's limit? I feel like I'm one of those people who spend their lives trying to learn something, but who can never truely grasp the concept of it because, well, because they just aren't smart enough. That is exactly how I feel right now. And like I said in my previous entry, maybe I'm not supposed to be a physicist. I don't want to give up though, just because of a few bad grades. It's hard not to, considering I'm surrounded by people who seem to understand these ideas very easily (even if they say they don't). Hopefully the next midterm will reflect all of the time that I've spent trying to understand...but somehow I feel that it won't. Deep down inside I know that I don't really understand it...even after I talk to the teacher I feel like my questions aren't answered, and the book doesn't always provide answers to all situations. I guess I'll just have to keep things in perspective...swallow my pride when I get a not-so-good grade in the class....throw away the Caltech application....and enjoy the rest of my summer.
No matter how much I'm enjoying my physics class, I'm almost regretting taking it. I feel very trapped right now. I can't make very many decisions for myself. I don't mean to sound like....hmm...a teenager, but this summer has been a battle between me and my mom (how unusual...). The first battle was against me taking french one next year. I don't even want to get into the absurd arguments that we had, but the result is that now I'm going to sign myself up for AP computer science. Just great. More work next year. So, now I'm starting to think of the little amount of time that I will have to be a "normal" person next year...and that number is infintessimal...especially since I realized that I'm going to be also playing water polo and preparing for college auditions. STRESS OVERLOAD So, I thought, well, since my parents don't really want my brother playing water polo because it affects his grades...then maybe I could drop that...so yesterday when my parents come home I tell them that I don't want to play water polo anymore and my mom says, "no. you can't quit because you stayed up late last night and the only reason you don't want to go to you game is because you're tired. So, if you don't go, you are not allowed to go out on the weekends for the rest of the summer." ::screams into pillow á la Lilo and Stich:: Grr...there's no break for me. I'm burning out because I haven't had a true, no work, stress free, break since the summer between 7th and 8th grade. Every winter and spring break I have a whole lot of work for classes, and then during the summer I've had to take summer school. I'm wondering if all of this stupid work is going to pay off when i'm older. Or am I not going to go anywhere in my life and all of my stress and struggling and everything is just a waste...something to pass my time...maybe I'm just God's little joke. Ha...wouldn't that be great. I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm never going to amount to anything that I dream of. I see people who seem to have it all. They have money, a family, a job that they like...and I wonder how. How do they do that? I guess maybe I shouldn't worry about that kind of stuff now...but I know that it will be very important to me when I'm older, so maybe now's the time to start thinking about it. And what if I'm going in entirely the wrong direction. What if i'm not supposed to be a musician, or a physicist? What if i'm supposed to be an accupuncture specialist or a dog trainer or a circus clown....ugh. I don't think I want to think about it....Well...it looks like I should go get changed out of my pajama's because me french horn teacher will be here soon....lol, I already answered the door today in my PJs...that was a little embarasing (it was the fed ex guy who was there). Oh well. I hope everyone else is happy right now.
Love,
Laura
July 7, 2002
Dear Blog, June 30, 2002 Dear Blog, What does music mean to me, June 17, 2002 Dear Blog, June 16, 2002 June 13, 2002 Dear Blog,
My little taste of summer has been so great! On Wednesday (I'll count the moment I finished that test from hell the start of my "summer break") I went over to Kimberly's house and slept over...it was nice to spend some time with her again. We stayed up late watching "Vanilla Sky" which turned out to be a pretty cool movie....it got a little bit annoying because I didn't know when things were real and when they weren't....but the end was very cool.
For the Fourth of July a bunch of us went to the movies and to dinner at Johnny Rockets....oh wait a sec, they didn't let us into the movie, those stupid ticket box people....grr....that was annoying since EVERYBODY I know who went to go see it got in except us...whatever, I won't think about it. So, anyways, instead of going to the movies we walked around the mall, and we went to the swimsuit store. Before that Anya and I got smoothies (Thank you Eva for introducing me to Peanut Butter smoothies!! They're my favorite!!)...while we were waiting I saw the cutest pants at the speedo store!! =) I think I'll have my dad buy it for me because they'd be perfect for after water polo and swim team...ok, so after that I picked out a whole bunch of skimpy bikinis for Anya to try on since she wanted to find a suit. Yay! she found one she liked too! I found one too...but ya, unfortunately the dumb top didn't fit...grr....sometimes being a girl sucks.
OK, so ya, then we went to dinner at Johnny Rockets and there was a little bit of drama there. So them we all ended up at Pali high, but Pierre, Anya and I got bored sitting there so we thought we'd go to PIerre's house...but then some stuff happened and the bus took too long se we just called my parents and they came to pick us up. As soon as they got there the fireworks started and my parents drove us down a little ways until we were right underneath the fireworks....it was SO COOL! It got a little scary though b/c a huge chunk of firework ashes fell about 10 feet away from us (ahem, excuse me...I mean 3.05 meters)....anya and I ran...lol! Then Pierre got his camera out and we watched the rest of the show. We took Anya home and PIerre and I hung out at my house for a little while...and it was really nice.
Then today (lol, technically yesterday) Anya and I went kayaking in Los Alamitos Bay and it was fun....I'll write more later...I'm tired and I'm going to go to sleep.
HOpe everyone's having a great summer!
Love,
Laura
On Special Request from my dear friend Eva, I'm updating my blog ;) lol, but, yes she is right....it's high time I let you all in on the secret workings of my ever so mysterious life. But before I go into that...I want to say THANK YOU to my wonderful friends. Why? Because last night I got a taste of what probably a good portion of Americans are like. And you know what? I really didn't like it. So thank you to my friends for being intelligent, polite, socially aware, and relatively accepting people. After one night hearing about how she thinks that school's "hecka" hard, she doesn't want to be considered smart, she judges people based on their clothes (she actually told me this!!), and about some 6' 7" girl that she played a basketball trick on....I had enough! I am unable to comprehend the thought process of someone like her. I seriously thought people like her were just a story...something our parents created to warn us about what would happen if us girls had lived in the 50's when being smart (for girls) was looked down upon.
ANYWAYS....so, what's been going on during my first week of summer? Well, let's see...on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I had water polo pratice frmo 6-8am....fun.... We start off practice by stretching and running 1.25 miles (lol, for all you metric people that's 2.01125 kilometers) Then we go down into the smelly, sweaty weight room and lift weights for about an hour (oh yeah, I'm bench pressing and everything)...then we have to do ab workout....which is basically a series of crunches and leg lifts. Then people who have SAMOHI summer school go to class and the rest of us run some more. And, although I complain about it...I think I like it...I know I've never been in better shape (at least for running...), so it's all good.
Then after practice, I caught the bus and went to John Adams Middle School to help with Pacific Blue music camp. It can be so much fun working with all the little kids...I wish I had gotten to do that more...most of the time us mentors (Zach, Sarah, Garrett, Tim, Ryan, Jamie, Henry, and I) were setting up for snack or for lunch. I am constantly amazed at how much the music teachers at JAMS can accomplish. These kids had only a week to learn some pretty challenging music (for their level)...and a lot of them had only been playing for about a year! Somehow, these teachers were able to make music out of these little kids...it's so cool!! = ) And speaking of music...my mom unearthed a poem I wrote in 7th grade for the UCLA Wind Ensemble essay contest....and it goes like this:
I have to stop and wonder.
I think passion, beauty, pleasure, thunder.
No, that's not right,
Let me start again.
It means gliding smoothly on the violins,
And then falling through the winds.
As the basses and the brass,
Slice right through the thickest of glass.
Then the cello climbs right out,
and gives the flutes the leading part.
What does music mean to me?
I cannot begin to explain.
Because what music means to me,
May not be the same for you.
I hope all of my friends are having a fun vacation so far! Happy Summer!
Love,
Laura
Yay! Pierre updated his website!! Now there are more pictures to look at =) lol, now I really want to meet his friends....it's so funny to see who he used to hang out with in Quebec....they are basically the opposite of here.
I love the summer...I might not be out of school yet, but the weather just puts me in a good mood. Those of you in my 4th period class can vouch for me and say that I was a bit peppy in class today...yup yup, sometime between 3 and 4th period I got a large about of energy and I just felt good. lol, I just went around hugging everyone and talking and poking...it was fun. Then I signed yearbooks and Eva and Anya pestered me all through lunch (it's ok guys, I forgive you! lol...I should be asking if you forgive me...). And then I went to 5th period where we basically signed yearbooks. My math teacher wrote the sweetest note in my yearbook...and Harold waved bye!! =) =) (Btw, for those of you not in Mrs. Rubin's class...Harold is her humpty-dumpty look-a-like cartoon character) So, yeah...it seems like a lot of people out there are meeting other people (ahem, I won't name names b/c they might not like it)...but best of luck to you guys!! Yay!!! It's SUMMER!!!!!!
Love,
Laura
I love you, Pierre.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just torturing myself...I read things I already know I don't want to read, I think things I don't want to think, and I ask things I don't want to know the answer to. And please, if you are reading this and wondering what I'm talking about, please don't ask me. Thank you.
Anyways, on to other things. Yay! I'm less than a week away from being a Senior!! =) '03!!! This year has been so, hmm...eventful. I mean, the year started off meeting Pierre (ok, so that was a little bit before school, but still, it was close enough), then in the middle of the year I played at Carnegie Hall in NY,NY, in May I took my AP tests and SATs, and now it's all coming to an end...sort of...I still have a summer full of physics to look forward to. Hopefully it will be fun. Hopefully I'll have enough time to stay sane. Hopefully my parents will let me use my extra time to stay sane. That's enough talk of my parents.
I wrote a poem for one of my friends:
To my friend
I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by:
their friends.
Wanting only to be accepted.
Wanting to look cool, feel cool. A part of the crowd. It doesn’t matter who they
hurt or how.
Such innocence, wasted on a stupid idea.
Such energy put to nowhere.
Why care? Why hurt yourself? Put yourself in a place of safety instead of the lion’s den
Hold your head high, don’t worry about those dark circles, or blemishes, or
clothes, or style.
It isn’t real. They are not you.
Keep your grace.
Keep your smile.
Keep your unique ability to make others smile without the stab of guilt.
You are my friend and that is all.
I do not expect anything from you except your friendship in return.
Don’t buy a new wardrobe for me
Or a new vocabulary
Or a new stride
Or a new look.
Stay you for your sake
Do not destroy
a beautiful thing.