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10.29.01 12:53AM
Emotional break downs are not a good thing.... especially when there is work to be had during these busy times. But enough about my Drama Queen tendencies. Last Friday the hall (more like Khanh and I) put together a dish for Taste of Oxy, which turned out great. Saw Serendipity with Mel last Saturday. It was cute, although Kate Beckinsdale's accent sucked. And of course, there wouldn't be an uneventful evening without Christal falling head over heels on the sidewalk outside the mall. Shoes and Ikea bag went flying. Ikea is a bad place because there is so much great stuff there. I walked away with minimal damage, to say the least. Went to Medieval Times tonight.. that was a lot of fun. The black Knight and the Green Knight were quite hot. And of course, I got to hang with my great friends. Helped Josh put together his futon after we got back. We've decided that it would make a great team builder to have to put it together in 10 minutes with the shitty directions included in the package. Went to the Richter meeting today and I must say that I'm quite excited about the whole thing now. It sounds like Tiffany and I plus all the other kids in Research Design are ahead of the game. Yay.
10.20.01 9:15PM
mmmmm... stuffed now from all that good chinese food that I ate. Went out to dinner with my family for my grandparents' respective birthdays. Andrew has redesigned his site tangelo.net. I hope it does incite to riot. I've discovered the truth about myself. I am a techie nerd, and I love it. I think that toys are the best things. Unfortunately I did purchase this one toy that I have to give back, it's a mini-disc recorder that I got for this class I'm in that is conducting interviews. It's great and cute, but over 200 dollars. Kathy took it away from me so that I won't get attached to it. Got paid yesterday and after totaling up all my checks I have a fat sum of 700 dollars.
10.18.01 6:36PM
Had an emotional break down and started crying on Mel's shoulder. It's hard being an RA, and feeling inadequate or not smart enough, or even worse, that I am not doing enough. That's the worst, feeling that you should be doing more and feeling guilty and inadequate because of it. So I hit the emotional bottom today.. and feeling a little dead inside, but relieved that I've at least found what's wrong, even if I can't fix it. Coming to the realization that I don't have to be everything or do everything and that it's ok that I'm not dedicated to being what the ideal Truman candidate would be. 10.14.01 2:17PM
So this is the best tool for procastination as always. Working on my research proposal, fun for the whole family... or at least my friends who I get to bitch at about having to do work. Heard there were quite a few hookups going on last night after the Toga party. Wild toga sex..hehehehe. What a thought. Unfortunately there was no wild toga sex for me...I got to be on duty, but at least I had company. Erin, Andrew and I made milk chocolate and nut (I can't remember what kind) cookies. Well, Andrew and I stirred occasionally, but really just watched Erin make them. It was quite entertaining, I love my friends. Duty was uneventful, which I think is because everyone else went somewhere else to drink, at least I hope so. We watched Little Shop of Horror, which was hilarious, I've got "Suddenly Seymour" stuck in my head indefinitely.
10.11.01 12:59AM
Was feeling good this morning...told mel all about it how I was ok. Then I talked to my Mr. Wonderful last night and after I processed it, I started to get frustrated. I think I said that I hated men more than possible while watching my chick flick. I also hate liking someone, it's painful. Men suck...hehehehe.... I had a beautiful moment when the movie said you need to trust me and I yelled, "Trust!? Trust my ass!" and threw my pillow across the room in front of a shocked crowd of Andrew and Erin. It was quite an outburst. What can I say, gelato brings out the worst in me. I was over him, I still am, but the hurt is still there, and I think the longing is still there too. I don't know if I like him still, I don't think so, I just like the idea of him. Josh had to say that we'd be good together since we're exact opposites. Funny, I don't see the humor in it, only the irony. Opposites. Whatever. Sorry, just realized that I'm behind. I took the Myers-Briggs test. I'm an ENFP, extroverte, intuitive, feeler and perceptive. Which is fairly accurate. Why do I like the people who are opposite of me? And yet I know that it's not always true. Why? Why can't I be happy by myself all the time? Why can't we all be happy by ourselves?
10.9.01 12:27AM
Had my first program today/yesterday. It was a kind of study break with lots of food and turned into massages of the back and foot variety. I'd like to think it was a success. I love to bake and cook and I love it when my friends help me out. I'm keeping mark's fish until it gets better, tought I don't know if it will.
10.7.01 8:00PM
Avoiding work again. What's new? I think I need to work, but I'm waiting until my food comes, since I think I lost my id card. Haven't had a productive day, I don't think, except for the half hour Elenor and I spent together working on the discussion we're going to lead this week. That was productive. Then I have to do this literary review and stuff. Not fun. Oh well. Haven't seen Andrew in, like four days. Been a busy boy with all his stuff. Haven't seen Mel in awhile either. She said I need to spend more time with them at the apt. Feeling a little lonely, but that's ok. Kate and I have this whole androgyny thing worked out now.
10.4.01 11:25PM
Had CTL advising today...long time, lots of papers. Am tired. Hoping a certain friend is ok, seemed a little tired earlier or at least over worked. Or maybe upset with me? Been thinking about my attachments with friends. Trying not to get attached because I know it's not healthy. It's hard because I feel so comfortable with this friend, like I could be with them all the time. But it's not good, cause I know they'll leave, and I'm afraid that it's not the same attachment for them. Why when you think you find that really good friend, you're afraid that you'll only get hurt because you can't be that friend. Thoughts will always remain mine.
12:14PM
Great quote, “Women are expected to educate men. Lesbians and gay men are expected to educate the heterosexual world. The oppressors maintain their position and evade responsibility for their own actions” (288). I know what Lorde is talking about. I always get this in my face, as “well you need to tell him how you feel” Why should I have to tell him? Why can’t he come to me and ask what’s wrong? Though he recognizes there is a problem, he won’t say anything and I am tired of chasing after him so I can share my feelings with him, give a piece of myself to him, let him know what I’m feeling. There is no middle ground, and I am tired of trying to educate this stupid white upper class boy who thinks he knows everything and won’t ask me to share or resolve this issue we have. There has to be a way to meet halfway because I’m tired of crossing into enemy territory. Mutuality doesn’t exist to me, because all I feel is that he’s upset and it’s my job to fix it.
10.3.01 9:45AM
Waiting for the gardeners go away before going back to sleep. I did not get all my journals done but they aren't due until tomorrow which means I should be working on them. Have work tonight at the CTL. Been feeling a little off lately. Hormones are shifting again, in the sense that I'm having some internal issues as usual. Not drama queen, just feeling disorientated. 10.1.01 7:56PM
So I was going to sit back and relax tonight and go to sleep early, but I just remembered that I have a bunch of journals to write. Plan of action. Do half tonight and then finish the rest tomorrow. So much for me not drinking my caffeine or eating the rest of my chocolate. Sad Christal.
10.1.01 12:18AM
Almost done with my paper. Andrew proofread it and gave me a F++. I was quite excited. Silly boy. It was quite intersting to discuss Freud and his own inadequacies concerning his penis and pornography and the new name we have come up for the CTL. |
