thoughts

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8.20.02

9:06 PM

Am excited that soon the freshmen are coming. Sad because I'm kind of alone down here, not to mention that I don't really have a lot to do since I'm not going to do a whole lot of decorations short of measuring the table. Fidel, back in my life? For sure? I've felt myself changing, slipping personas again back to school back to being a senior, back to res life. Should I continue this feeling for him? Is it really anything? I dunno. I have a lot of other close male friendships developing through res life, do I need him and should I invest in someone that isn't stable? I know the answer to that. And it saddens me.

8.18.02

10:26 PM

Palm Springs retreat was hot and long, but not as bad as last year. Overall I think that training has been repetitive but not bad. My new friend Josh told me that he felt like he's being brainwashed and I told him welcome to the Res life cult. I'm meeting a lot of new people, and getting to know acquaintances a lot better.

I do like my room A LOT. It's very big with a full size bed and a bathroom attached that I only share wtih two other women. I am a little apprehensive about the community and what it's going to be like, but overall I'm excited. A little tired of all the leadership training I've been going through for the past two months, but I think that it's going to be ok.

Shredder is dying though.. slowly and sadly. It's hard to watch and sometimes I want to end his misery, but at the same time, I don't.

kate is up north right now and i miss her, but I think that it will be good for her to get away from the situation. Maybe she won't drink as much? I miss her and mel.

I actually haven't been thinking about Fidel as much as usual. Part of it is being so busy, but on the other hand, I know that it might be a fading interest? Or maybe just that I can't worry about him a whole lot right now. Even though I did call him while in palm springs and talked to him a bit, I also know that right now he's up north with Jacob. What that means, i don't know, but I do know that I can find other close male relationships, I hope. I know we'll be close, and I know that he cares a great deal about me, but I think the past couple days and all the intense training has put things in perspective a little. Still cloudy, but at least not muddy.

8.11.02

12:06 AM

WEll, Things have been going good. I enjoyed the mini-retreat to Newport Beach immensely. It was nice to get away from Oxy and bond with my fellow HCs in a different environment. I miss Mel, I miss Fidel, though I am glad that he called me the other day. This would be Thursday, two days after I get back from Vegas. He proceeds to tell me what he has been doing for the past week. He also asked me how I was doing, how was Vegas, and that he's probably going up to Stanford for a bit instead of going to visit Jacob. Ok, so I'm not sure what to think of this because at the end of the conversation he asks me what orientation group he is in. So did he call me because he cared or because he wanted something. I think a little bit of both, but I do know that he cares. Beyond just friend, I'm not sure. Though he does know that i like him and that it's not just for physical reasons, which might have worried him in the beginning. Tomorrow I move into my room at the WC, and then Monday I head out to Palm Springs for the Leadership Retreat. Loads of unfun. :-( Oh well, at least I got to talk to Mel today. :-)

8.7.02

3:26 PM

Wow, what a weekend!! I tell you, VEgas just gets more and more interesting every time I go! First off, let me say that fifty year olds should NOT hit on 21 yr olds, but for the sake of free booze, I let this guy suck my neck. Ok the first two times, he took me by surprise, by the third time, I just let him because he was going to pay for 50 dollars worth of alcohol that Kate and I had consumed. I guess I feel a little cheap, but it's not like he did anything else. I also bought some new clothes and makeup, not to mention stayed at the beautiful Paris hotel. The extra money was worth the nice bathroom and furniture. Kate got a little drunk, but nowhere near as bad as last time. I don't think we're going to tell Fidel or Lou about our little adventure...

Mainly I won't tell Fidel because he won't understand and then he will judge me. I have discovered this through the fact that he told me to keep jacob away from Kate and that he is going to stay away from kate as well. How crazy is that? I think it is. I realized then that I could never really like a guy who made snap judgements of a person after meeting them three times. It's not like he's a bad person, he's just very young, and I realize that I was probably a lot like that three years ago. I now know that there is so much more to people than it seems on the surface, and also that this life i lead doesn't allow for judgement of people and their ways of life. I suppose after all that training and all the things i have experienced made me realized how I have a contradictory position and what that means for my life.

8.2.02

10:52 AM

Augh, it's gone by so fast. Fidel and I are friends, not anything more, and I'm not going to look to far into what he told me. he said, i'm just not looking for that (a relationship) right now. Not an outright rejection, and he might change his mind in a couple months. But then again, he might not. At least I know we're going to be good friends, I think. He's asking where I'm going to live next year, if I will cook him dinner at the Women's Center, or that he can feed me at the marketplace, so that's a good sign. he told me that he loves me as a friend, and that our friendship is important to him. I will always like him I think, but the friendship that I believe we will have is definitely more important.

I'm sad that MSI is over, but at the same time I'm relieved and I think I'm ready to move onto the next project, senior year. It's flown, but I loved it. I laughed, I cried and I wanted to give up, but we finishe dit off, and now it's time to PARTY! (for at least 4 days).

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