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7.30.02
12:11 AM
ugh. not sure how to feel, but am feeling positive that at least Fidel and I have a good friendship. He is manipulating me, kind of, though he says that he's not that kind of person. But I helped him with his paper, and he asked if I get paid to help him with his papers during the year, and then he laughed at me. It's weird, we're close, but not past that whole how comfortable are we stage. I can't read him at all. maybe we are just friends, maybe not. I know we are because we had an interesting conversation about being a leader and how you help people and they just screw you, which is why he is an introvert. Interesting. He just gets more and more fascinating to me. I asked if he would still talk to me when school starts and he said why am I asking something like that. So I'm thinking that we will. The only thing I worry about is being manipulated, especially for Jamba Juice runs. Then again, it might mean nothing. At the same time, he did call out that he loved me as I walked away. How weird is that? I'm not sure how to think because he isn't freaking out, instead he still talks to me, but I did call him out and I do things for him, but he isn't doing things for me. I think he realized this and offered me food or something. Take it slow Christal, Take it slow. Be patient and don't scare him away. Now being patient is the worst aspect of me that I have the worse problems with.
7.28.02
1:04 AM
OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT.
7.28.02
2:45AM
I miss you already Mel.
Am curious at the moment why Anthony decided to call me tonite and let me know about what went on at the meeting as opposed to Erica. I think they probably talked about me tonight. It makes me mad, but at the same time, she is the one who left me with Ashley last night at 3am. but I am getting ahead of myself again.
So Friday night that staff had off to go out and have a good time. Which of course, never works out the way we think it will....
First though i gave Fidel like a half hour massage after playing pool with him, Micah and Jacob. This was after we spent the afternoon and evening at The Block in Orange. Kate came along, but it was a two hour drive out there because of friday afternoon traffic. Anywho, come back and the staff is supposed to go out to a club. Not everyone is in favor of this, but ok. Then i come back up from the bottom floor, after massaging Fidel, to find that everyone has gone. I call Erica to find out that they are planning to come up to my room. Without asking me of course. Kathy, who told me that she would let me know what was going on, didn't inform me of this. So of course I have to go tearing up the hill to clean and change. They show up drinking already. Erica proceeds to get drunk, as does kathy and Ashley. Then we finally get going at like 130 2 am. At this point, I have decided to be the designated driver. We speed down to Sunset Blvd only to find that it is backed up for two miles, as it always is. I have to park my car on the street, which bothers me, all the while Erica is hanging her drunk head out screaming and yelling at the guys. I am not happy about this. then we get in line with everyone else in our group, which is fun, but it will be 3 before we get in and the club closes at 430 not to mention it is still at 15 dollar cover fee. So everyone but Ashley wants to go home, which Ashley does not want to do. She is upset and guess who gets to take her home. Erica ditches me for everyone else and I am left with Ashley.
At this point, i realize how frustrated I am with the MSI staff, they talk all nice, but then they leave you hanging, they talk down at you and also make decisions for you. Not to mention all the other TAs get days off, but I don't. It sucks ass.
Today was better, because of the community service. But it still sucks, I am tired and glad this will be over in a week. the kids are the only thing keeping me going. That and giving Fidel another back rub today for about an hour without his shirt on. Oh well, it may be breaking the rules, but I think that I deserve it. I have spent so much time making everyone else happy, going out of my way for them, that I don't really care anymore.
So I am not sure what to make of Fidel and I. On the basic level, as the Oracle would say, I think that he is comfortable enough with me to talk about semi-serious things, and let me touch him. On another level, I have no idea, though he was the one to suggest that I massage him. He said that I should give him a massage on his bed so he can go to sleep. I told him ok, but then he said that it was ok, that he didn't want to keep me from doing things. I basically said at this point, "do you want one or not?" he said, "yes" so i was like, "Then ok, i will give you a massage" it was weird because at that point it was with his shirt on, and then I asked if he would be ok with his shirt off. he said ok, and then asked if he should keep the door open or not. I told him it didn't matter to me, but then if he didn't want people talking it would be better to close the door. He is quite nice. But after all the massaging I have been doing, my fingers hurt.
mel is leaving today for North Carolina. Kate and I had a fabulous time eating dinner with her and her mom at Crown City Brewery. It was nice, but I am going to miss her so much. I was crying. I love you mel.
7.25.02
11:56 PM
Tired still, but squeezed in a one hour nap. Fidel did talk to me today, and I told him that I would name two of my dogs after him, since he helped free them from their box. He's silly. More so is Micah, now he is going through this let's not talk abut sex or touch phase. He must be getting some. The key is not to let yourself be used by anyone unless you choose to.
hung out with mel and Kate last night. It was kind of a good bye party for us. I am going to miss her a lot. I know that i haven't been able to spend as much time as I could with her, but I will still miss her a lot. :-( But that is what blogs are for!!! Hehehe.
I sometimes wonder what is going on with me on the inside. Sometimes I'm just gloomy and I have to push it away. Push it hard. All I know is that that mindless fling will probably hurt me more than it will hurt him. I was thinking today that i should just enjoy liking Fidel and not worry about whether he likes me or not. It's the joy of caring for someone, and that I care for everyone. He is special and whether or not he returns the affection, it is important to just enjoy the interaction sometimes.
7.23.02
1:56 AM
Tired and frustrated, this is my state of mind. though I love my job, I know that I need to take a step back away from it and from the kids. Between being asked to have sex with me, to getting poked in the stomach by their erection, to having the guy i like ignore me, I am tired and just want it all to go away. Mostly the guy who won't talk to me, or avoid me or something. I just want it to go away. At least I think i know that he doesn't like me :-( And while the other guy may want to have sex with me, I know that he wouldn't want to be with me, hold me when I am sad, be there for me. I just ignored the erection. I figured it would be the best thing to do in that situation. Why embarrass both of us?
That special friend of mine has come back to bother my best friend today. Self-centered to the point of wanting to slap them silly. I just want to say to Kate "I TOLD YOU SO!!" Ah, now I feel better knowing that someone knows how I felt going through it. Now I have completely uninvested myself of the situation, and it feels good. My sympathies go out to Kate. heheheh. oh well, off to bed now
7.22.02
1:04 AM
had a good day. Went to the Museum of Tolerance, which was incredibly intense, but with a cute tour guide, anything is bearable ;-). Then went out with kate to BJs. The scariest thing is that it was approximately three weeks ago that Kate, Tom and I went to BJs and we sat at the exact same booth. It was exactly two weeks ago that Kate broke up with her boyfriend. Really freaky stuff. Then took kate over to Pauley to meet my kids. It was great, she had a fantastic time, as did I. Though i am afraid that she has corrupted one beyond belief. Oh well, it is up to him to decide whether or not to take her advice. Ok, so now i am physically involved with my guy. meaning that when i see him I get flushed. Which is really scary I think. I also know that i can't say anything until after MSI. kate told me to have positive thoughts, as we are so ingrained to think about the negative. I like him, I think that he could like me because I am a great person, and if he doesn't then he has issues. :-P More so, I think i need to be careful, but if I want him, i will get him. Is that enough positive thinking?? I love kate, I feel so much better now that she is home to support me and want to spend time with me. I know she is going through a rough time breaking up with Tom and having a crazy family situation, but I am happy that she is here, I feel better and more sure of myself.
7.20.02
8:45 AM
Today Kate comes home!! Also I am going to Magic Mountain for free. Life is very good. :-) I hope Mel is enjoying Yosemite this weekend through her drunken haze. hee hee. Went to the Japanese American National Museum yesterday, hung around Little Tokyo and went to see a student production on Youth and Identity. It was niceto havea day off, not having to drive, relaxing and hanging out with the students. They're really great. Last night they were having a crazy water fight, the hallways were soaked. I finally got that masssage that I wanted, from Fidel and Micah. Now my back doesn't feel like a wound up toy. Eww, I think I hear Justin outside of Erica's room where I am typing right now. Better be quiet....
7.19.02
2:11 AM
Yay, the midterm is today and I get to sleep in. I am happy. I think I should take the midterm though, because I have had such an insight into the cycle of what is working within the course. It was absolutely amazing that it made my head hurt.
I am worried, I think i am developing a little bit of a crush. He's so unique, and quirky. Sweet and opens the door for me. But he's very young, and not on the same intellectual plane as I am. It's hard, but he's cute, and I can see how it's just this closeness that he doesn't display with other girls. I think, I'm not sure. ugh, I am not really sure how to feel about this. i think I might be getting too touchy feely with him, but I do like talking and hanging out with all the guys. My group of kids are great. I think they all have the potential to go beyond the text, but it's just hard guiding them there. That's why i love this so much. hehehe, I really am meant for this work, the pull the drive the hard work is so worth it when I make all the connections myself. :-) Now if I could only figure out Fidel, and how he walks me to my car and waits until i drive off until he goes back into the building.
7.18.02
1:08 AM
I miss kate. But i am happy that she has left her boyfriend and is moving on.... to the new hotness. Speaking of hotness, our students came in, and there are a couple that I find myself being attracted to . While I had a brief infatuation with a staff member, which can't be helped, such as he is just a wonderful person in general, I find myself gravitating towards two students. I think I am leaning towards one specifically. He seems complicated, more than meets the surface. He likes to call himself weird, but I wouldn't exactly agree with that statement. The other is slightly more easy going, but kind of a flirt. I don't know what to make of it, except that he is a flirt, and I am enjoying flirting and having good relationships with men.
As i sit grading papers and sipping a wine cooler, I wonder where my life is going next. I am a senior, and while I adore my frosh, I only have a year. While it seemed not yesterday that I had all the time in the world to meet ppl, it is now apparent to me that I might never speak to these ppl again after this school year. It saddens me. It also saddens me that I barely taste the alcohol in the wine cooler any longer. My tolerance is going down drastically. Back to the subject, one of my best friends Mel is leaving for North Carolina in less than a week, and that saddens me also. While I am confident that with a blog we can all stay in touch, I worry that my connections are starting to shift. it seems like I can feel change and new ties calling to me. From my frosh to next year when i will be a grad student. Scary thoughts.
As I sit in class and discussion with my frosh, I realize how far I have come in terms of academics. What they may not see seems to painfully obvious to me. It makes me feel more comfortable with my knowledge, but at the same time i think, is it enough to get me into the world? Should I just go work as a masseuse/bartender on a cruise line? It seems easier, but then again, i don't know if I can sacrifice my goals to change the world for my desire for pleasure.
It makes me think that even if I liked one of these guys, what would be the point? A mother figure, someone to guide them, but then it ends when I leave. Are they ever going to go the level that I am? should I giv einto the desire for someone, anyone to be my boyfriend, to satisfy that lonliness?
7.1.02
1:55 PM
Am getting frustrated with the program, with the people, and Kate is out of town. I am tired of people not pulling their weight or putting in any extra effort. It's all about well, it's their job to do that, not my job. It's very annoying, especially when one person in particular continues to repeat that phrase again and again. ugh. Sometimes it is hard to remember that not everyone is a good leader.
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