thoughts

The rest of the residents are moving in today. Monica has already showed up and is asleep on my couch. Since we can't let them in early she was just sitting on the couch when I came by the lobby. So we just dragged her stuff in and I let her fall asleep. Been talking to Jon again, which reminds me that I have to write him an email full of sexual innuendo. Fun.

Desperate for changing starving for truth closer to where
I started chasing after you I'm falling even more in love
with you letting go of all I've held onto I'm standing
here until you make me move I'm
hanging by a moment here with you
forgetting all I'm lacking completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation you take all of me
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I'm diving into
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

There is nothing else to lose there is nothing left to find
There is nothing in the world that could change my mind
There is nothing else.

yeah, things going ok. Ran into him at breakfast...ok not accidental there, but didn't expect to spend the whole morning with him or anything. Breakfast then the carwash and then two hours in my room just hanging out. That was weird and cool. I still don't know...he could be just be being nice. sigh....I think I really want a woman in a man's body sometimes...I never have problems with women. Why do we seek the approval of the opposite sex?

So I got to talk to him today...but first Mel and I were making dinner...and then the fire alarm went off. Since we had invited Doris to come over for dinner we decided to go over to Norris instead and finish cooking the food. Which was very good by the way. I saw him before dinner..which was cool. Then I spent about two hours with Doris, Mel and I in Doris' room talking. Mel says she thinks I have a chance. I get this feeling that he could like me...or maybe it's just me being hopeful. He said he was attracted to Asian girls...I don't know...I have to be careful here...don't want to get hurt...again. He did say that he's been shot down by every different ethnicity...I guess he just hasn't had to deal with me yet...

12:28AM Ran to Target, Cost Plus and Whole Foods today with Mel. Picked up my car from my Uncle's house, since I got into a car accident two weeks ago and it was in the shop...my poor car.

Bought a whole bunch of stuff...and I still need to get turtle things too...oh well. mel and I are cooking tonight...Yeah!!

Ran into an old friend online tonight....Jonathan...I hope your heart mends soon...I need a boyfriend...hehehehe. Freshmen moved in today...hectic but actually relaxing compared to mass confusion before and the grueling two weeks of training. I'm enjoying myself immensely...sometimes I think I care too much about what others think of me... Thanks Loreen for keeping me aware that I shouldn't be so worried about whether or not people like me.

Didn't see him today...sigh....I don't think I'll ever really find out... Should I even care?

At least I got to spend the weekend with my sister...she's a ton of fun. I think that Lynell should be thanking God that she showed up to help decorate and set up the freshmen bbq that we had today...

The day has arrived. The freshmen are moving in. Didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because we spent all day working on the hall. Barely got any sleep last night because I was so excited. Finally, the wait is over, training is done and school is going to start in less than a week. Didn't really talk to him yesterday either... saw him at the social...but barely said hi. I don't know...I don't want to get hurt, or take a chance that I could get hurt.

Worked a lot on hall decorations...they're looking good. Avoided my interest today...I think it's time to give it a rest and stop thinking about him. If he wants to call me, he can call me, and I'll get around to it later. Priorities lie with finishing the dorm and taking care of the freshmen.

I think my life is very interesting right now. Hectic, don't have enough time to breathe, much less think. Going to take a nap now.

Yeah, I'm up at this god awful hour. Got finished about half an hour ago with decorations for the hall. I should go to sleep, but I know I'll be up all night tomorrow. What's the point? I got a couch today from Ikea!! Quite exciting. My room looks almost complete except for the shelf that's going to hold my TV and my kitchen stuff. Enjoyed hanging out with my latest interest. My room looks really good, and I really feel ready to be an RA in the aspect that I think I've created this welcoming environment.

I like him, he's funny, but I'm starting to create what I think he is, make it out to be more than it seems to be. I'm making him into this complex person, when I'm pretty sure he's not that complex or interested in me for that matter.

And of course, the day would not have been great or wonderful if not for one of my best friends, Mel. Thanks to Mel, I got a ride to Ikea, an assembled couch and a beautiful room. Thank you Mel, you're the best. I think I'm gonna cry....

Well, I got to watch an SNL marathon with my hall staff. Exciting huh? Things are going ok, I suppose. I can't wait to watch a Star Wars movie again. Shredder is loving a lot more chipper now that Mark and I put our fish together to hand out. Why do we fall for guys? Because we want to, we want the excitement. Just like the beta fish likes to fight. It's in our nature to procreate, just like the beta needs to fight to procreate. Hate to sound so biological and not acknowledge how our society encourages the heterosexual mating dance we call love. But anyways, whether we are taught or not, we can't deny that we have these feelings. Artificial or genuine we can't ignore them and we should acknowledge them.

Mark suggests to not go for the kill and attempt to ask out him on a date. Good idea, especially with the shy guy.

So you meet other people, and you connect with them. that's the best part of being in this elite group. But you can feel alone in the crowd. A lot alone. Sometimes it's hard to get your feelings out. Sometimes it's hard to meet halfway. And I guess I have to get used to not getting my way all the time.

Did this great exercise called Behind Closed Doors. Where you have to deal with these situations without knowing what they are. How much of us is behind closed doors? It's so true. Sometimes you're afraid to even display you're feelings online or in your journal for fear of what it might reveal to yourself or to others.

Don't you know how love is about 50% hope? You hope he likes you, that's the thrill I think. You keep thinking, this might be the one who likes me back. You hope he finds your personality to be what he wants in a girl. You hope that since he's giving you most of the eye contact that he's not avoiding you but instead that he finds you attractive. You hope he'll call you up and talk to you, or look for you, maybe even ask you out on a date.

"time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me.
I know that I could have loved you, but you would not let me,

Had a barbeque with all the staff. That was loads of fun. Ok, not really. Since Stewie hosted it, we ended up having to do most of the barbeque ourselves. A thankless job, I might add. And also a job that doesn't quite fit with me, since I don't normally barbeque. At least I got to meet this nice guy named Brad, checked out his room in Braun. That was nice.

Sometimes, people don't respect you. I hate it when people lord over other people and don't give you any respect.

So the day is going ok. It's really hot, but not as bad as Palm Springs. So I guess it could always get worse. I'm enjoying my time to myself right now and pausing to recap what's been going on.

Mel came over yesterday. She made ravioli and then we unpacked some of my room. I can't do all of it, however, since I'm waiting for another shelf from my uncle. I'm getting along pretty good with Josh and Liz, but Mark tends to hurt my feelings occasionally. I don't like it, and I don't know how to approach him about it. I should just ignore it, but I know how it will look to our residents, they won't respect me, when Mark doesn't take me seriously.

So I'm back at school. First I went on this Leadership Retreat in Palm Springs. Ok, shall we say hot!!? That was pretty good. But now I'm back and doing RA training. I get my own room, which is a mess right now. I am having a blast. My staff is great, and I am enjoying the other RAs and HCs. I just need to unpack now...