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Riches to Rags I worked and slaved for many years until everything was sunny, I chose one day to have some fun with all my hard earned money. I bought a big 2 acre ranch out on the edge of town. I bought a palomino horse that I could ride around. And then I bought a saddle with a fancy padded seat, And a silver conchoed bridle and some Justins for my feet. I bought a jingle'n pair of spurs and a big ol' Stetsen hat. I bought some Copenhagen for the pocket where I sat. I bought a brand new trailer, and I spent a pretty buck On a great big, shiney, 5 speed, tandem fifthwheel pick-up truck. I had all my equipment, I was feeling proud and pert, 'Til that lowdown, onrey critter dumped my nose right in the dirt. I hadda pay a horse trainer to break that yellar hide, Then I paid a little extra and he taught me how to ride. Though everything was fine now, I started feeling pensive, This happy fun filled horsey life was getting right expensive. No problem, though, I now was free to ride, And thus enjoy my well broke, well trained toy with a palomino hide. And then for a week that's what I did on my high dollar pet, But then he got the colic and I had to call a vet. Now if you're thinken that docters have a career that makes them wealthy, Just wait til you pay a vets bill to keep your horses healthy! Then ol' Yellar started limping when he stepped down on a clod, So I paid another wad of bills and got that cayuse shod. And if that wasn't quite enough then winter came my way, So I had to build a barn and buy a load of hay Then I bought a quilted blanket and a matching quilted hood, To keep ol' yellar warm and keep him lookin good. And then I took a wife, and she had a girl and boy, They liked to ride my horse so much, I bought one each for them. I tossed more dollars at the vet, and at the trainer too, And don't forget the farrier with his anvil and his shoe. We had us 4 fine horses, now, so to get where we could ride, I bought a bigger trailer yet, and more money I goodbyed. Then both those silly youngsters took to ridin' rodeos. Their gear and clothes and gasoline had me paying through the nose. And here I am today my friends, in an agitated state, Cause somehow, those 4 horses have multiplied to eight. I'm horse rich and money poor and am suffering great remorse For once I was a wealthy man till I went and bought a horse. Horse Husband's Lament My wife she has a walking horse with flaxen mane and tail. She thinks he is the finest thing That ever jogged a rail. She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell, That fancy, pampered walking horse has made my life pure hell! My wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne. But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain. She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night. And the last time that she kissed ME was just to be polite. He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties. My wardrobe's so neglected now that I attract the flies. One day my wife was shopping, She was way down at the mall. And fancy, pampered DANDY was just standing in his stall. He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin. I'd saddle that fat sucker up, And take him for a spin! I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued. Cause when I climbed aboard that horse he rightly came UNGLUED! He bucked and spun and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence! I saw big stars and there's six teeth that I ain't heard from since! My wife came home and saw me, just lying in the dirt. She rushed up to her HORSE and said, "Sweetheart, are you hurt?" He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet... She left me lying in the mud and ran to call the VET! How many riders does it take to change a light bulb? Endurance Rider: Light bulb? Do you mind, I'm trying to get my horse's pulse / respiration / hydration levels to respectable levels. Once that is done, I have another 50 miles to go before I can even think about changing a light bulb. Um, any chance that the light bulb could assist me in my conditioning regimen..... Dressage Queen: Me? Change a light bulb? Are you joking? I couldn't possibly be expected to subject myself to such a menial task. Change it yourself. Oh, and wash your hands when you are finished. The very thought! Classical Dressage Queen: These things can not be rushed, but must be approached slowly, with great patience, and adherence to the principles laid down by the classical masters, otherwise the light bulb will not attain its true potential, but will forever just be a shadow of its true self. Never, ever, use any type of gadget when changing the light bulb. That is an offense to the principles of classical light bulb changing. Eventer Hmm, as soon as my arm is out of this sling broken after falling off at that large stone wall (whilst riding Hell For Leather cross- country) I'll change it. Until then, deal with the dark. It will put hair on your chest. Only prissy Dressage Queens require lights, anyway. Show Jumper: Why on Earth would I need to change a light bulb when the whole world knows that the sun shines out of my ass. Why, when I release over a jump, the spectators are practically blinded. Natural Horseman You must instill respect in the light bulb, so that it sees you as the Alpha light bulb, using "light bulb dynamics" (video available at $99.00 on my Website). Once you have done this, you will find that there is really no need to change the light bulb at all, but that the light bulb will, with very little coaxing from you (using patented "light bulb coaxer" designed by me - $99.00 each, for extra $49.99 you get video thrown in) will behave as all good light bulbs should. The Riders Natural Horsemanship devotee looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he grew up in the suburbs of NJ. Rope coiled loosely in hand (don't want to send any messages of tension, after all) in case he needs to herd any of those kids on rollerblades away from his/her F-350 dually in the WalMart parking lot. Cowboy hat is strategically placed, and just soiled enough to be cool. Wranglers are well worn, with that little wrinkle above the instep of the ropers, and lots of dust (well, you know, from the round pen) on the lower legs. Dressage Queen is freshly coifed. Not even she remembers her own hair color, but she has taken great pains to ensure that Rolf, the hairdresser, makes the perm and highlights look "natural." Diamond studs are elegant and stately, and not so large that they blind the judge during the entire passage-piaffe tour. $30 dollar denim jumper worn over $300 full seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Hunter/Jumper competitor is in an aqua polo and those breeches whose color could be compared to, um, well, okay, let's say they're khaki. The polo is so that folks will think they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to provide free advertising to that trainer's stable for whom they shell over a mere grand or so per month, and to hide "helmet head." Eventer is slightly hunched over. This could be from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and all related color coordinated gear to every event, or it could possibly be a defensive posture where he/she is unconsciously protecting his/her wallet, which is, of course, nearly empty from buying three saddles, three bridles, three bits and all related color coordinated gear. Looked down on by the H/J's as "people who just run their horses at fences" and by the DQ's as "not real dressage riders" Eventers are smugly convinced that they are in fact the only people in the horse world who CAN ride, since the H/J's don't jump real fences and the DQ's don't ride real horses. Endurance addict is wearing lycra tights in some neon color. Has not read the rule that lycra is a privilege, not a right. The shinier, the better, so that they can find her body when her mount dumps her down (another) ravine. Wearing hiking sneakers of some sort and a smear of trail dirt on the cheek. Sporting one of the zillions of T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete some other torturous ride. Socks may or may not match (each other). Backyard rider can be found wearing (in summer) shorts and bra, (in winter) flannel nightgown, muck boots, down jacket. Drives a ford tempo filled with dirty blankets and dog hair. Usually has deformed toes on the right foot from being stepped on in the Walmart sneakers that are worn for riding. Roots need touching up to hide the grey. 2-horse bumperpull behind barn filled with sawdust/hay. Can be found trying to teach her horse to come in the kitchen to eat so she doesn't have to walk all the way to the barn. PESKY HORSES GETTING YOU DOWN?? ARE YOU NOT GETTING THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE, EVEN THOUGH YOU SEEM TO SPEND ALL DAY IN THE ROUNDPEN? KNOW YOU'RE THE ALPHA MARE BUT THE HORSES THINK YOU'RE JUST SOME AVERAGE JOE? TIRED OF FLATTENING YOUR EARS AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE? Well...Now all your dominance hierarchy problems can be a thing of the past with our revolutionary, patented MARE-A-WEAR system! Years of research have gone into the design of our state-of-the-art MARE EARS. These are not like any of the other prosthetic horse appendages currently available on the Internet. This is a quality product. We pride ourselves on our LIFE LIKE faux horsehide covering, but what sets us apart is our inner looped-coat hanger-ear-flexion system, based on the time-tested Longstocking model. You pin these bad boys, and they stay pinned. Simply bend ears to desired level of menace, put on head, and tighten drawstring till secure. NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED! Then enter the pasture and watch those uppity horses change their tune. What could be simpler? Enjoy our Basic system now for just $129.99 US! Basic system includes: One pair of our remarkable LIFELIKE mare ears in a variety of breeds (Available in your choice of chestnut, bay, or black. Coming soon--brown!) Gusty winds? No problem. Even Warmblood ears stay in place with our clever Mare-A-Wear patented drawstring attachment system! "New to the Herd: A First-Timer Instruction Booklet" (Sections include: Adjusting your Ears for Maximum Results, Look Mean like You Mean It, Proper Care of Your Mare-A-Wear, and a helpful FAQ-- "the dog ate my left ear, can I get a replacement?" etc) As a final symbol of our commitment to the pecking order, you will receive FREE-- AS OUR GIFT-- our patented Equine Language Audiocassette. Sure, it *sounds* like any old recording of Trigger neighing at inappropriate times BUT what makes our patented Equine Language Audio cassette the industry standard is our double-patented, subliminally-encoded message! Yes, you heard right! While Mr. Big-Easyboots is munching expensive hay in that smug way of his, being implanted in his unsuspecting psyche are the words, "you're not so hot...you're not so hot... you're not so..." (Other variations may include "the other horses laugh at you", "your mother was a donkey", or "you may step on my feet but I could eat you at any time.") We'll just see who's Mr. Big Alpha-Pants in the morning. Satisfied customers speak out... "This is more than just some fake horse ears you stick on your head; it's a training system." B.P. Big Stick, WY. "I never would have believed it. My rotten horse always used to push on me, but from the very first day with MARE-A-WEAR, he just stood there looking at me. Remarkable." S.J., Plarn, MI. "Gentlemen, I'm sold on your MARE-A-WARE (sic) product. I have the Criollo ears in bay, and even though I still carry a piece of rebar with me to the pasture I'm convinced it's your LIFELIKE ears that have made the difference." Horselover, somewhere in the Heartland "Your MARE-A-WEAR ears put the zing back in our marriage. We hope to someday have a horse." R & E, via email "I run him around the roundpen till we had true unity eleven times but he still wont catch in the pasture. But when I put on my MARE ears and go to get him, them other old geldings get out of my way." DF, Crust, TX. "Mare-A-Wear even fooled our stallion!" (Rough translation, ECG interfering with cell-phone transmission) (Name withheld by request) Mare-A-Wear Inc. "All you add is a scowl" Results may vary. As with any training program, if you are pregnant or think you might be, eat a lot of donuts.) You know you're a horse person when...
Dear horse owner Are you experiencing too many second and third place finishes behind inferior horses at horse shows? During a trail ride, does your horse forget everything he was bred to do? Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost any money. Simply send a copy to six other horse owners who are dissatisfied with the way that their horse is behaving. Also, bundle up your horse and send him/her to the horse owner at the top of list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you. In one week you should receive 16,436 horses, and at least one of them should be a keeper. Have faith in this. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own horse back. Good Luck! You Know You're at a Bad Boarding Stable When . . . 1. There is more grass in the indoor arena than there is in the pastures. 2. The manure pile casts a shadow on the barn at high noon. 3. A stall companion for your horse is a half-dozen mice. 4. Your horse is bathed more often than the barn help. 5. The state police are in the driveway more often than the rookie of the year 6. When you walk in the barn surprised to find your horse has been sold for bail money. 7. You're told watering is done daily, but you're not told which days. 8. You nearly sign your life away to schedule a riding lesson and the trainer/barn owner never shows. 9. The tack room sign reads: What is yours is now mine, do not lock your trunk at own risk. 10. The sign below that reads, I am not responsible for death of horse, stolen or broken equipment. 11. Stalls also serve as a dog kennel. 12. You're told stall shavings are "plentiful" (Definition of "plentiful" . . . Depending on bank account.) 13. You know when the feed room is bare, the owner has bounced a check. 14. When the footing used in the indoor and outdoor comes from the same manure mountain! 15. When you walk into your horse's stall and you find you are standing on a bare floor and in 3 inches of horse pee. 16. ... your horse's hay looks like it was harvested 10 years ago from a very weedy field. 17.. the stable help are no help at all. 18. Your horse gets missed during feeding but that can't be the reason he's lost weight. 19. It's 70 degrees, your horse is wearing his winter blanket. 20. There's alway more pigeon poop in your horses water bucket than there is water. 21. Electric fencing doesn't need any voltage to hold 20 horses and you really only need one strand. 22. New concept on how to clean a stall- throw fresh sawdust on top of a weeks worth of manure and pee. 23. The horses are 'loaned' out to the neighbors to graze down their lawns without the neighbors' knowledge or consent. Murphy's Horse Laws: There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching. Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn. Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed. Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you. Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped. If you approach within 50 feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty. The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn. Your barn will fall down without baling twine. Hoof picks always run a way from home. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury. If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down! EQUINE HOW TO... Or Things We've Always Known But Never Admitted ...To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap. ...To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer. . ..To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class. ...To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class. ...To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water. ...To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show. ...To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall. ...To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals. ...To get a show horse to set up perfect and really strecth? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him. ...To induce a cold snap in the weather? Body clip a horse. ...To make it rain? Mow a field of hay. ...To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one What you can learn from your horse: When in doubt, run far, far away. You can never have too many treats. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still. Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest. Eat plenty of roughage. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot. In times of crisis, take a poop. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat 20 Questions For The Judge's Licensing Exam (Hunter & Sport Horse magazine) 20. Do you have to be back to the Mother Ship at a certain time in the evenings? 19. Can you read an entire chapter of the AHSA Rule Book without slipping into a coma? 18. Are you going to cry if riders see you coming and mutter, "Oh, crap, it's the mean judge!" ? 17. Have you practised that unique facial expression that looks bored, encouraging, and intimidating all at the same time? (Natural judges are born with that look on their faces.) 16. Are you familiar and comfortable with bribes? Oops, we meant "scribes." 15. Do you know how many faults it is when a jumper knocks the Technical Delegate over with his hind feet? With his front feet? With a Buffalo chicken wing? 14. What is the penalty for the rider who turns in a flawless ride...with his fly open? (Please give two answers: one for FEI rules, one for AHSA rules.) 13. If you were judging a show and found yourself scoring your obnoxious cousin Ned, you would: a) find a brilliant new scoring technique to allot him a score of negative 618; b) invoke an obscure rule requiring Ned to ride with a live rat down his pants; c) score Ned fairly but make sure you devise a way to make him pay at the next family picnic. 12. Have you ever had to flee the judge's stand to escape an angry mob of pitchfork-wielding horse show moms? 11. Can you tell who started it when a brawl breaks out in the Stallions Suitability class? Do you inspire instant obedience when you bark, "You're on a time-out, mister!" to a 1,400-pound stallion? 10. Do you understand that you're not allowed to watch 142 Training Level riders mangle the test, and then stand up and scream, "MY EYES! MY EYES!" before the 143rd rider? 9. Can you tell the difference between a hunter round which suffered from regrettably inconsistent distances (my sister) and one which showcased extreme distance versatility (me)? 8. Can you keep your preference for a particular breed under control when judging a class that contains a lot of other, inferior animals? 7. No naps. No laughing out loud. No throwing things. 6. Do you know what the acronyms USET, FEI and WMTOU* stand for? 5. Can you tell the difference between a horse who is bucking because a tse tse fly bit him on the bum, and a horse who is bucking because it's the only thing he does well? 4. Do you waste a lot of time wondering if a rider is wearing boxers or briefs? 3. You do have eyes? 2. Do you understand that no rider or trainer will ever agree with you again about anything? 1. Are there any papers in medical journals which feature your brain scans? *WMTOU: We Made This One Up. Just testing! HOW MANY HORSES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here! Arabian: Someone else do it. It might get my silky mane dirty and besides, who's gonna read me the instructions? Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want. Standardbred: Oh for Christ Sakes, give me the darn bulb and let's be done with it. Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore. Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane. Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then. Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing lightbulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it. Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! My parole officer said it's okay, really! And when we're done we can go over to the neighbors and chase their cats! Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that dang Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him. Haflinger: That thing I ate was a lightbulb? A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." Later, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So, he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" The guy picks up the midget so he can give the house's eyes the once-over. "Nith eyeth, Can I thee her earzth?" The guy picks up the little fellow again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, Can I see her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty annoyed by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, Now, can I see her twat?" Well, the rancher is totally pissed off. He grabs the diminutive fellow under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him down to the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?" |