Guide to auction terms
Truth about rider lingo
Top 10 reasons to ride dressage 10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating. 9. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine. 8. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at. 7. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular. 6. My chiropractor needs a new car. 5. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go -- a.k.a. the barn. 4. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool. 3. My lawyer wanted me to have three judges. 2. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges. 1. I had way too much money in my bank account. Top 10 ways to become a better horseperson 10. Drop heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, stupid! GET OFF!" 9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet. 8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down. 7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you're doing; they might as well know now. 6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you're having fun. 5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, Hon', moving hay bales is FUN!" 4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyses to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse. 3. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be . . . . bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen.. 2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is . . .." 1. Marry money. Handmade horses "Mother," said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet." Mane difference A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart, so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. Last words There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, �go,� say, �praise the Lord,� and instead of saying, �stop,� say, �amen.� So the man got on the horse and said, �praise the Lord,� and the horse started to walk. The man then said, �praise the Lord,� again and the horse started to trot. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man said, �amen.� The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man put his hand on his forehead and then said, �Praise the Lord." Hey, be reasonable! A horse showed up at a ballpark. He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team." The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Ready? Let me see you catch a few." The horse walked to third base and caught every ball hit to him. The manager asked him to throw. The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed. Picking up a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the center-field fence. The manager said, "Not bad at all. Now let me see your run." The horse said, "Hey, if I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!" The Truth About Breeder Lingo (What they say . . . and what it really means)
When horses brag Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog." It just takes psychology An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try." Those eastern folk The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride." Deer, deer There was a girl who was riding her horse through the woods when she passed a deer. The deer said, �Good morning.� The girl, who was surprised, started to trot her horse. After about ten paces she said out loud, �I didn't know deer could talk.� Her horse replied, �Neither did I.� Top 10 Signs Your Dressage Test Needs Some Work... 10. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job." 9. Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K 8. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home. 7. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline. 6. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars. 5. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass. 4. Your working trot had you working harder than your horse. 3. In your salute your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground. 2. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium". 1. Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters. And now, the REAL story.............. When you are tense, let me teach you that there are dragons in the forest, and we need to leave NOW! When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me. When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding. When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores. When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why. When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease. When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service. When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those dragons in the forest! When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200lbs of a YAHOO-let's-go horse can do when suitably inspired. When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner. When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional". When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll larn ya. The Cowboy Without A Horse A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had to walk home." How to Interpret Classified Horse Ads BIG MOVER: Can't canter within a two-mile straight-away NICELY STARTED: Attended a "natural horsemanship clinic," but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet, especially outside the round pen. TOP COMPETITOR: Won a second place 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings. HOME BRED: Knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch. BIG BONED: Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for a cow. NO VICES: Especially when he wears his muzzle (and when in the round pen). BOLD & SPIRITED: Runaway. GOOD MOVER: Runaway. NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: Runaway. ATHLETIC: Runaway (but looks good doing it). SHOULD MATURE 17 HANDS: Currently 15 hands; dam is 15.2, sire is 15.3, but will defy his DNA. WELL MANNERED: Hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone since our twelve-year-old neighbor, who we paid to ride him, quit. RECENTLY VETTED: Someone else found something really wrong with him during soundness exam. TO GOOD HOME ONLY: Not really for sale unless you can: 1) pay twice what he's worth; 2) are willing to sign a 10-page legal document of release; and 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night. LIGHT CRIBBER: We can't afford to build any more fences and barns for this buzz saw. EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: Never been out of the stall (or the round pen) and never had any pressure of any kind on him. CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: Clippity-clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him. Car Savvy A man's car breaks down on a country road. When he gets out to fix it, a horse in a nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," says the horse. Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer. He tells the farmer his story. "Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer. "Yes- yes!" the man replies excitedly. "Oh, don't listen to him," says the farmer. "He doesn't know a thing about cars." The Horse Manual of Appropriate Behaviour 1- SNORTING: Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It is you duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them. 2- NEIGHING: Because you are a horse, you are expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses. Especially very late at night. 3- STOMPING CATS: When standing on cross ties, make sure you never --- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail. But keep stomping. 4- CHEWING: Make a contribution to the architectural industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other wooden item. 5- BEDDING: It is good manners to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work. 6- DINING: Always pull all of your hay out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall - and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they said when they bought you as a two-year-old, right?). 7- DOORS: Any door, even partially open, is an opportunity for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will happily chase you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for all involved. 8- HOLES: Rather than pawing and digging a big hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over. They won't notice this if you carefully arrange little piles of dirt. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. 9- GROUND MANNERS: Ground manners are very important to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss, and impresses your human. 10- NUZZLING: Always take a BIG drink from your water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too. 11- PLAYING: If you lose your footing while frolicking in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you! 12- VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs away and starts crying, advance swiftly, stamp your feet, and neigh louder to show your concern. You Know You Married A Horsewoman When: 1- She treats you like a hero for giving her a home-made boot jack on her birthday. 2- You start using her hobby to leverage your own. "Sure, I can make you some saddle racks. All I need is a new table saw." 3- She buys so much heavy duty winter clothing that she winds up on mailing lists for hunting, fishing and survivalist catalogs. 4- You find yourself unquestioningly trudging through a sleet storm to feed the show horse that she won't let you ride. 5- You find yourself juggling roofing steel in a New Year's day blizzard to finish "her" horse barn while your alma mater is playing in a bowl game, and you wouldn't dream of going inside to watch. 6- You realize that not only have you become expert in trailer backing, horse grooming, tack cleaning, and giving her a leg up, you can also repeat her riding instructor's comments from her last lesson verbatim. 7- You get so used to her doing things like mucking stalls with a broken finger or showing her horse with a fractured ankle that you can't understand it when morning sickness wipes her out. 8- She names your first child "Dan Patch" or "Misty". 9- You've spent so much time at the boarding stable that people think you're the maintenance man. (with good reason!) 10- You wear NASCAR baseball caps to her horse shows so people won't ask you questions that you can't answer. Handy Euphemisms for Falling Off Your Horse 1. Joining Airborne Equitation International (affectionately known as AAEEEEEEEEEI!). 2. I'm in a transitional relationship with my saddle. 3. Dirt for dessert. 4. High-fiving a nightcrawler. 5. Swan dive (water optional). 6. Spending a little quality time with gravity. 7. Checking your girth...from the bottom. 8. Doing the rootin' tootin', grass-scorching, scare-the-spectators boogie. 9. A quick trip to Dirtsville. 10. Trolling for paramedics. 11. Just seeing if the judge was paying attention. 12. A Richter-Scale-5 spot check of footing quality. 13. Insufficient flapping. 14. Studying impact craters at close range. 15. Spontaneous retrograde. 16. Pushing down daisies. 17. Turf surfing. 18. Incoming!! 19. A short step-over four feet south of Hermes, France. 20. Vulture baiting. Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me... Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horsey that bends. My friends all ride warmbloods, I must make amends. I practice my leg yields, each evenin 'til ten. So, oh Lord, won't you buy me a horsey that bends. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't buck I'm tired of trying to land standing up. I spend all my time, brushing dirt off my butt. So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't buck. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't bite. I count all my fingers and toes every night. I feel like a carrot, when I'm in his sight. So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that won't bite. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse with a brain. Mine is scared of his own shadow, it's driving me insane. I ask him to do things, but he forgets his own name So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse with a brain. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that stays clean. I brush him, I groom him, I've considered chlorine. His color's too chestnut for a horse with grey genes. So oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse that stays clean. Oh Lord, won't you give him some hindquarter drive. This horse is so lazy, I'm not sure he's alive. We bend and we circle, 'til way, way past five. So oh Lord, won't you give him some hindquarter drive. Alleee Ooop!!!! A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." The jockey thinks the trainer is mad, but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers, "Aleeee ooop!" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!" Confused Cowboy An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, "couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" the friend was impressed. "So, where are all your horses?" The novice cowboy sighed and sadly shook his head. "None of 'em survived the branding." You Might Be A Cowboy If... Your horse trailer cost more than your house trailer. You refer to your spurs as the family silver. You can jump from a moving horse onto the horns of a runaway steer without losing your hat. Your son is named after your prized gelding. Your bathtub is a stock tank. Your horse brush is also your hairbrush. Sleeping on the ground makes you feel rested. You smell more like a horse than your horse does. Your idea of fun is being tied to a two-thousand pound raging bronco. You do all your gift shopping at the feed and tack store. Your favorite fragrance is leather. You give your word, shake on it, and stand behind it, no matter what Top 10 Reasons Why You Don't Want To Steal A Trusty Old Farm Truck 10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas. 9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out. 8. It's difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab. 7. The smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard tends to cloud vision. 6. It's hard to get away clean with everyone waving at you. 5. The description might go something like this: the driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc. 4. The multiple levels of hay bales in the back make it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors, if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape. 3. Top speed is only about 45 mph. 2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, new u-joints, $3,000 in body work, new taillights and a windshield. 1. The Jack Russell on the toolbox looks mean. GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS 1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses. 2. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay. 3. A lame husband can still work. 4. A husband with a bellyache doesn't have to be walked. 5. Husbands are better able to understand puns. 6. If husbands are playing hard to catch, you **may** be able to run them down on foot. 7. Husbands usually pay their own bills. 8. Husbands apologize when they step on your toes. 9. Husbands seldom refuse to get into the vehicle. 10. Husbands don't panic, running and yelling, when you leave them alone (unless you leave the kids with them too!). 11. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip a husband. 12. Husbands don't like the lady next door just as well as you because she fed them for 3 days straight. GOOD THINGS ABOUT HORSES 1. If horses don't work out, you can sell them. 2. Horses don't come with in-laws. 3. You don't have to worry about your children looking like your horse. 4. You never have to iron saddle pads. 5. If you get too fat for your horse, you can shop for a bigger one. 6. Horses smell good when they sweat. 7. You can repair horse "clothes" with duct tape. 8. It's possible to keep horses from jumping the fence. 9. You can force horses to stay in good physical condition, with a whip if necessary. 10. Horses don't want their turn at the computer. 11. Horses may turn white with age, but they never go bald. 12. Horses don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot. Horses in Heaven One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, bored, watching the horses frolic. "I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?" "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean, all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We're certain to win!" And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?" Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges!" Half Full Or Half Empty? A father had two sons, one an incurable optimist, the other a complete pessimist. He decided to modify their attitudes a little, so he gave the pessimist some toys and the optimist some horse manure. The pessimist immediately began crying. "What's wrong, son?" asked the father. "Oh father," wailed the pessimist, "My toys will surely break, and then what will I have left?" Meanwhile, the optimist was diving happily around in his horse manure. "What are you so happy about?" asked the father incredulously. Grinning, the optimist said, "I figure with all this horse manure, there must be a horse around here some place!" [Jokes Page 3] |