(Monday 12 December 2005)
Never say never..
Bigger, badder and back January 2006
Your suggestions and feedback are requested!
(Wednesday 29 December 2004)
Tribute is over.
(Sunday 26 December 2004)
Okaz dares to venture into the forbidden world of a teenage girl's bedroom and manages to find the evil effect globalization has had on it. No mention of the evil effects of satellite tv and camera phones but I think that's implicit.
(Saturday 25 December 2004)
More okazi-associativity:
fruits contain anti-oxidants + anti-oxidants slow down aging = an apple a day prevents alzheimers
(Thursday 23 December 2004)
Some weird drug induced homo-erotic story about lost friendship.
(Wednesday 22 December 2004)
Another step toward the eventual goal of total isolation of the sexes. The first women-only real estate company is announced. The rest of the world is so jealous.
(Sunday 19 December 2004)
Wedding ceremonies are so passe. It's all about divorce ceremonies now. For good measure, Okaz manages to dish some blame onto satellite television.
(Friday 3 December 2004)
Okaz writer (and future Nobel laureate) suggests establishing companies with only female shareholders. Why you may ask? Well it's to protect women, and apparently other foreign countries especially the US are planning to do the same.
(Wednesday 1 December 2004)
Shocking! Apparently AIDS is fatal and there is no cure and millions are infected and it spreads by doing naughty things. The masses have been educated, God bless Okaz.
(Friday 12 November 2004)
Those pesky UFO's are back in Gizan.
(Thursday 11 November 2004)
More perfectly healthy, perfectly normal behaviour:
Fat-man starts beating thin-man for looking at his women-folk.
Thin-man then turns into angry-man and chases after fat-man with a knife he picked up from a juice shop.
(Sunday 7 November 2004)
In a rage of jealous passion, man destroys his photo capable cellphone and melts it in the oven, after discovering his wife's pictures on other people's cell phones. Yeah, that'll solve the problem.
(Sunday 31 October 2004)
Meet armed-man Baha's newest sunglasses wearing superhero who goes around with keys, screwdrivers, knifes, metal bars and nails stuffed in his pockets.
(Saturday 30 October 2004)
17 year old woman wearing a "scary" mask scares her elderly husband into a coma. First of all, Okaz was right all along, scary masks should be banned from entering the country (4/17). Second, halloween still has a ways to go before becoming mainstream (instead of getting a treat she got a divorce).
(Friday 29 October 2004)
Another day...
Another Okaz article about a fat man...
Nevermind the details, just send money to "Okaz's exploited fat-man of the week fund".
(Sunday 24 October 2004)
Okaz rules of reasoning: (I like to call this one okazi-implication)
People eat fatty foods when breaking their fast = tv commercials raise cholesterol levels
(Friday 22 October 2004)
190 milion SR is wasted yearly on toilet flushing. Why this happens or how to prevent it isn't important enough to be mentioned though. It's all about the toilets.
(Monday 18 October 2004)
Okaz rules of reasoning: (I like to call this one okazi-associativity)
Dates contain magnesium + Magnesium "may" stop aging (no source of course) = Dates stop aging
(Friday 15 October 2004)
Meet Kirad's newest superhero single-man who is an 80-year old never-married recluse. Okaz thinks this is worthy of the Guinness book of world records.
Ok, I'll admit it, it takes a big man to say this, I've found a role-model! :-P
(Friday 8 October 2004)
Okaz says mermaids are real. Not too much of a stretch for such a solid newspaper.
(Sunday 19 September 2004)
Oh those evil jeans and revealing blouses! Women complaining about (female) dressmakers wearing unpious clothing (in all-female workshops). They also suggest setting up a ministerial committe to combat such evil, wicked, lurid behavior, which is foreign to our pious, conservative, traditional society.
(Saturday 11 September 2004)
Today's political conspiracy story is brought to you by the "center for studies and research" and mentions that the plans for "attacking" Iraq were drawn up during the Reagan administration. No references or logical arguments but it's still all true because Okaz said so.
(Thursday 9 September 2004)
Warning: Make sure you're sitting down when you read this, it might be traumatic.
Man is taking his daughter's case to court to clear her name. What is the terrible heinous crime she is accused of? Possesion of a man's photo while in school!
This is why I really hate Okaz. This story is about absolute stupidity in society. Why isn't it worth even the smallest comment? Where's their social concience? They just state out the story as if it's some weather report.
(Thursday 2 September 2004)
Follow up: (As if anyone cares) Possible suitors don't care about how women look as long as they move slowly and don't talk.
(Thursday 26 August 2004 -a)
Newly discovered 6th sense is used by women to check on possible suitors.
(Thursday 26 August 2004 -b)
Newly discovered 7th sense is used by mute women to paint.
(Tuesday 24 August 2004)
Those evil camera phones are starting to evolve. They can now process pictures and can be used for eavesdropping on other people all at the whim of the evil user. Pokemon characters are reportedly jealous.
(Monday 23 August 2004)
Eat camel meat to avoid heart attacks, cancer and retain firm muscles. This is all true because Okaz said so.
(Friday 20 August 2004)
"The internet burns down a building". I'm just reading and translating.
(Thursday 19 August 2004)
The dangerous practice of young girls using evil latin words such as: "hi", "bye" and "see you" can only be eradicated through intensive workshops, lectures and psychotherapy.
(Tuesday 17 August 2004)
Meet Taif's newest superhero Stick-man who goes around beating the crap out of gold shop owners until they remove their security cameras. Why is he a hero? Well those cameras were photographing women and God knows the tragedies that might have occured!
(Thursday 12 August 2004)
Meet Gizan's newest villain Mejdaf, the evil 10-year old mastermind behind counterfeit Mango boxes.
(Wednesday 11 August 2004)
Okaz lauds the establishment of the country's first female-only pharmacy. Very soon such pharmacies will cover the entire country and work according to (holy) traditions and customs. Could the highly anticipated female-only airline (5/29) be far behind?
(Thursday 5 August 2004)
Young people wearing jeans is the result of a terrible internet, satellite, globalization cultural invasion. Surprising they didn't include those evil camera phones as another source of decadence.
(Tuesday 3 August 2004)
Attention: If you are a young single male attempting to illegaly enter Jeddah's beach cabins, the police are after you, and these guys shoot to kill.
(Monday 2 August 2004)
Sudanese interior minister: What's happening in Darfur is an American, Zionist, Israeli conspiracy. Check out the picture of Sudan's riches.
(Sunday 1 August 2004)
Even an absolutely retarded person wouldn't make the "estimate" that 20 million moslems have been killed in Afghanistan and Iraq by American forces. But then again you have Okaz female writers.
(Saturday 31 July 2004)
Major terrorist and bigtime asshole Abu-Musab Al-Zarqawi has been captured. Source of the news? An online Iraqi blog named "our Iraq". It's scary when that's considered credible enough to be featured on the front page of Okaz.
(Friday 30 July 2004)
During their annual Gulf (begging) tour Sudanese officials state that the situation in Darfur is an imperialistic conspiracy by the west to gain control of the riches (i.e. 34 buckets of oil, 12 Mango trees and 3 Datsun pickups) of Sudan.
(Thursday 29 July 2004)
When will these people ever learn? A young single male is currently being held for interrogation after attempting to illegaly enter Al-Sodah forest. Listen man, forests are for families only! If you really need to know what a forest looks like get your mother/sister to describe it for you.
(Monday 26 July 2004)
Okaz writer has some excellent ideas to help stop people from staying up late at night. Most notably a midnight curfew!
(Friday 23 July 2004)
100 women announce their withdrawl from a wedding hall because the groom, his brother and the bride's father are allowed to enter. According to the women, as per customs and traditions only the groom is allowed to enter. Apparently, the groom is an honorary woman for that night only.
(Thursday 22 July 2004)
Please send SR 600,000 so this poor man can get out of jail and take care of his elderly parents and 18 children/siblings. He is currently serving a 5 year sentence for killing his wife.
(Friday 16 July 2004)
A half-dozen two-sentence *scary* evil-eye stories.
(Wednesday 14 July 2004)
Attention: If you are a young single male attempting to illegaly enter Raghdan forest, the police are after you, and these guys shoot to kill.
(Monday 12 July 2004)
3 wives, 18 kids who don't go to school, lives in a tent and has no income. Please send money for a fourth wife (and a vasectomy).
(Sunday 11 July 2004 -Riyadh Daily)
Stupidity is contagious. Not to be outdone by its west coast rival, Riyadh Daily publishes its own fat man story. Of course, a wonderful picture is included of him and the reporter dancing the Tango.
(Friday 9 July 2004)
Meet Makkah's newest superhero Sidewalk-man. He lives in a box and can't find work. Could he be related to Sackhead (from 3/9)? Or is it just journalistic "recycling"?
(Saturday 3 July 2004)
Saddam's legal defence: "we have evidence and witnesses that prove his innocence". Interesting that no mention was made of the $contributions$ that were made to these lawyers by Saddam during the 90's.
(Thursday 1 July 2004 - Elaph)
Play-by-play on yesterday's Okaz "smack down".
(Wednesday 30 June 2004 - AlWatan newspaper)
Okaz receives another "smack down", this time for the Gadhaffi Jewish Zionist bullshit. God bless Qinan, he's making my mission against this horrible newspaper much easier.
(Tuesday 29 June 2004 - AlWatan newspaper)
Okaz receives another "smack down", this time for their "sensitive and ethical" interview with a terrorists father. Basically, they ask the father how he feels about his terrorist son being killed in a shootout and his dead corpse being shown around the world.
(Saturday 26 June 2004)
A Okaz (soon to be) classic: "Proof" that Gadhaffi is really a Jewish Zionist intent on destroying the Arab world. Surprisingly this article wasn't written in Cairo.
(Friday 25 June 2004)
2 inmates die and 11 injured in a prison fire-drill "to test hospital preparedness" according to Okaz. Um, well, I guess the hospital has a bit of work to do.
(Monday 14 June 2004)
Typical Okaz political article (and the corresponding meanings):
"Arab experts" is really: A former Egyptian ambassador and an Egyptian political philosophy professor.
"Increase Arab involvement" implies: Make sure there is a dictatorship.
"Involve a former Jordanian prince" implies: Pave the way for a future (currently jobless) king.
It should come as no surprise that this article was written in Cairo.
(Saturday 12 June 2004)
Libyan assasination plot has been uncovered. Instead of taking the moral high ground Okaz thinks this means they get a "carte blanche" to lie, deceive, sensationalize whatever they want about Libya. Hence, the dedication of an entire section of 60's style propoganda. Two wrongs never make a right.
(Friday 11 June 2004)
10 kids + Marries off his 14-year old daughter to his 70-year old friend + Has no income and is in debt = "pearlescent" white trash. Impressive picture of a screaming child also.
(Tuesday 8 June 2004)
Meet Bareq's newest transvestite band! The cross-dressing, multi-racial group: Men in Women's Clothes! Check out their first (rather sexy) publicity photo! No date has been given for their debut album, but rumor has it it's worth the wait!
(Sunday 6 June 2004)
Mrs. Um-Gameel complains that today's weddings are unproductive and are all about unpious fashion and cell phones, whereas back in her day they didn't care about what they wore and only discussed important social development issues.
(Saturday 5 June 2004)
Expert confirms: Toothpaste does not cause cavities. Thankfully, no picture of rotting teeth.
(Friday 4 June 2004)
This one is for RS:
Nora is 12 years old and weighs 126 kg. In a *shocking* revelation Okaz says that there are many other people who are also fat, and this can be avoided with proper nutrition and an exercise program. Also, check out the pedophile-friendly photo.
(Thursday 3 June 2004)
Title: "30% of Saudis are covered in fat", an imaginative euphemism for "overweight", which only Okaz could think of.
(Saturday 29 May 2004 - a)
Okaz reports proposal for "All-female airline". See below story.
(Saturday 29 May 2004 - b)
School headmistresses complain about having to wake up early during final exams to receive exam forms and request that men be assigned to do the job instead. See above story.
(Thursday 27 May 2004)
Expert confirms: Eating peanuts does not increase intelligence. So I guess there is no quick-fix solution to this newspaper's problems.
(Tuesday 25 May 2004)
Okaz writer conducts survey on camera phone users. The *shocking* results: camera phones are the source of all evil, corruption and tragedy in the world.
(Monday 24 May 2004)
Small village has no more single women. Village dweller thinks this is worthy enough to get in the Guiness book of world records.
(Wednesday 19 May 2004)
This "humorous" article would be considered childish for a highschool newspaper. Now I know where all the school dropouts work.
(Tuesday 18 May 2004)
Terrorism in Iraq is the result of a great American conspiracy. It should come as no surprise that this article was written in Cairo.
(Monday 17 May 2004)
Hide the women! God save us from the tragedies that are about to occur! Geological survey requiring satellite photography is about to start.
(Sunday 16 May 2004)
Conflict in Darfur (Sudan) is the result of a great American conspiracy. It should come as no surprise that this article was written in Cairo.
(Saturday 15 May 2004)
Okaz suggests that women should be employed in tourism. Obviously Okaz doesn't read Okaz.
(Friday 14 May 2004)
The camera phone saga continues. This time Okaz recommends that only pictures of small male children should be taken in order to avoid the "tragedies" that have occured because women were photographing other women. Just a reminder to Okaz, this is a
picture
of tragedy, while this is definitely
not.
(Thursday 13 May 2004)
Okaz uncovers the dangerous practice of girls being attracted to boys and even trying to talk to them! Expert agrees, this is foreign to our pious, conservative, traditional, homosexual society.
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(Wednesday 12 May 2004)
In another breakthrough, Okaz has discovered that foreign powers are using telephones for phone-sex/chat-lines in order to corrupt innocent citizens. Wait till they discover that there are unpious
pictures
of women on the internet!
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(Saturday 8 May 2004)
Yanbu is being "attacked" by birds. Curse them, they're even sneaking onto roofs and balconies. Where is birdman when you need him?
(Saturday 17 Apr 2004)
Children wearing scary masks scare children as well as adults (see picture), expert suggests they should be banned from entering the country. Once again, this is foreign to our pious, traditional, conservative, perfect society.
(Thursday 15 Apr 2004 - Elaph)
Okaz does it again, they copy a story from one website, and reference another website. The whole concept of using websites as news sources is bad enough, but I guess it's just "journalism" as usual.
(Saturday 10 Apr 2004)
This writer has so much free time on his hands that he starts complaining about all sorts of useless things around him, ranging from incomplete writing on doors to blasphemous last names. Reading between the lines you can clearly see the cry for help, he really, REALLY needs a woman.
(Monday 29 Mar 2004)
Private diploma printing-press institution announces a new major: Interior decoration engineering. Industrialized nations quiver in fear.
(Wednesday 24 Mar 2004)
Guy is stabbed 10 times and dies from his wounds. Just to prove that this newspaper has no moral or religious ethics, a picture is included of him half-naked in a pool of blood.
(Saturday 20 Mar 2004)
Nothing is worse than claiming expertise on a topic you know nothing about. Okaz writer suggests that a seperate cable network be established for internet access. Apparently this writer (female of course) is still stuck with early 90's technology, and just assumes that laying out an entirely new coaxial cable network is possible.
(Friday 19 Mar 2004)
Last week's story about "women photographing women" has sparked international interest in the prevention of cyber crime. Before last week's article the world was in chaos and anarchy, but now, now, the world has seen the light, peace, prosperity and goodwill among all mankind will soon ensue and its ALL because of that enlightening article.
(Monday 15 Mar 2004)
One of my favorite things is when Okaz refers to the "internet" as a reference. This article lists the "current" top grossing movies at the US box office. What's even better is that these movies stopped SHOWING more than a month ago.
(Friday 12 Mar 2004)
From the social paranoia files: Since absolutely every single other problem in the world has been solved, lawyer states: "women photographing other women during weddings is a new form of crime that must be dealt with firmly".
Addendum: Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! I managed to find
one of the wedding pictures.
(Thursday 11 Mar 2004)
More Okaz economic speculation. This time the claim is that the recent increase in steel prices, has caused an increase in ALL building material prices... including a 5% increase in plastic prices? In addition, this will cause losses of almost 70 million SR. Sensationalism at its best.
(Tuesday 9 Mar 2004)
How to get an article published in Okaz:
1. Find some poor homeless/disabled person in the street.
2. Take his picture, make fun of him.
3. Presto! Meet Makkah's newest superhero Sackhead.
(Sunday 7 Mar 2004 - AlWatan newspaper)
If you thought that I've been unnecesarily vicious or harsh toward Okaz and its writers, wait till you read this rebuttal from another local newspaper. "no self-respect", "embarrassment to his nation" are among the phrases used.
(Thursday 4 Mar 2004)
Reality tv is equivalent to hardcore porn, in addition eating steak does not actually make you American. The fact that the article is so illogical and makes gratuitous use of exclamation marks just screams: "Okaz female writer"
(Wednesday 3 Mar 2004)
Makkah's newest superhero Skeletonman has been found. He "might" be in his sixties and he "might" be south-asian. Meanwhile the investigations continue...
(Tuesday 2 Mar 2004 -a)
Okaz writer: Satellite tv and other horrible things are foreign to our pious, conservative, traditional, perfect society.
(Tuesday 2 Mar 2004 -b)
Another Okaz writer: Describing how he flirted with the hot newspaper girl he recently met in a hotel lobby.
(Friday 27 Feb 2004)
Shocking! 95% of those who commit suicide, are depressed! I guess the remaining 5% are just curious. Also, check out the heart warming picture of a guy hanging himself.
(Thursday 26 Feb 2004)
An investigative report about young people and how they joke with each other. Good to see that Okaz has its prorities straight.
(Monday 23 Feb 2004 -a)
From the Saudi white trash files: Guy complains that social security only covers 7 of his children, he has 19 members in his family, send money.
(Monday 23 Feb 2004 -b)
From the Saudi white trash files: Guy has 3 retarded children, doesn't want them anymore, send money.
(Monday 23 Feb 2004 -c)
From the Saudi white trash files: Guy flees country leaving wife and 12 kids, send money.
(Sunday 22 Feb 2004)
7 people die in a car accident in a small village in Pakistan. Thank God, Okaz is there to keep us informed.
(Wednesday 18 Feb 2004)
One of Okaz's writers complaining about *another* publication, how it belongs in the fifties and giving suggestions on how to improve its quality. What is more ironic: The fact that a Okaz writer is suggesting improvements, or that the *other* publication has won international awards for its journalism?
(Monday 16 Feb 2004)
18-month old girl has a 30 cm tumor removed from her kidney. Now, is it really necessary to show a picture of the tumor? I don't know, is the picture supposed to impress the reader, make him feel sad, happy... what exactly? How about a picture of the doctor or even the little girl? No! it's all about the tumor.
(Saturday 14 Feb 2004)
I'm continually fascinated by how Okaz manages to get such detailed statistics regarding local economic activity. The government doesn't have a reliable measure for unemployment, yet Okaz confidently announces a 45% increase in profits for pharmacies in Makkah during Haj.
(Tuesday 27 Jan 2004)
How ironic, one of Okaz's writers complains that *other* column writers insult the intelligence of their readers. I think some introspection would be appropriate.
(Monday 26 Jan 2004)
Children get "high" walking through swamp water.
(Sunday 25 Jan 2004)
Okaz celebrates its 45th anniversary. Looking forward to the next 45 years of ruining people's minds.
(Friday 23 Jan 2004)
Has anyone ever heard of an American newspaper called "The Nation" (that publishes conspiracy theories)? Well, Okaz heard of them and managed to translate one of their articles.
(Thursday 22 Jan 2004)
Al-Jouf's newest superhero Rockbaby has been discovered,
and Al-Jouf has been inhabited by humans for the past million years, dinosaurs unavailable for comment.
(Wednesday 21 Jan 2004)
Damn it!! We should speak Arabic not English!!! We're in Saudi Arabia not Oklahoma!! Okaz's female writers are an absolute goldmine (and love using exclamation marks)!!!
(Tuesday 20 Jan 2004)
| Letters from Okaz's loyal female readers |
= |
Some of the most non-objective twisted logic you'll ever read. |
(Monday 19 Jan 2004)
Interview with Aquaman Jeddah's newest superhero. Done with extremely poor taste, the so-called "journalist" tries to make the poor guy seem like an idiot, it's just not right.
(Sunday 18 Jan 2004)
In a further effort to confuse people about their history and heritage. Okaz digs out a study that claims Arabs discovered the Americas before Colombus.
(Saturday 17 Jan 2004)
Another linguistic tour de force. The article is 4 lines long, I personally couldn't figure out what the hell was going on or what it was talking about. Translations into sane-people speak are welcome.
Addendum: Ok, I figured out what they're talking about, so rather than being confused I'm now disturbed.
(Friday 16 Jan 2004)
If you are really fat you don't have to wear a seatbelt. This is probably a quick-fix solution to the nation's obesity problem. Studies are underway to also exempt pregnant women in an effort to solve nation's population problem (ok, I added that last part on).
(Thursday 15 Jan 2004)
A return to the Moon and a mission to Mars were announced today. However, that's not important enough to be mentioned in Okaz. Here's an investigative report about young people and why they always grimace.
(Wednesday 14 Jan 2004)
The saying goes: "If you want something done right, ask an expert". But of course that's nonsense, behold globalization explained according to a psychology instructor at a local teacher's college.
(Tuesday 13 Jan 2004)
An unamed relative of Saddam claims that he wasn't captured. In fact, it was all an elaborate plan orchestrated by Saddam himself because he felt bored and wanted to spice things up. I guess the beard was just part of an old Santa Claus costume.
(Monday 12 Jan 2004)
Shocking! Apparently, new study reveals that taking drugs may actually be bad for you. Of course, no references and no names, but lots of sexy numbers and figures.
(Sunday 11 Jan 2004)
Newly established anti-American groups based in Baghdad publish a report complaining about actions of American forces in Iraq. Hmmm, where were these groups during the Saddam days? Oh yeah, human-rights groups weren't allowed by that regime.
(Saturday 10 Jan 2004)
Bride is late for her wedding because of tailor. Yes, the journalists actually do get paid for this type of stuff.
(Friday 9 Jan 2004)
For your information this is the Saudi version of "white trash". This is a popular topic for the Friday edition since it requires such little effort.
(Thursday 8 Jan 2004)
Ice mountain discovered on Mars. Apparently the little green men were still hiding.
Addendum: I think the original Reuters article used the expression "... this is just the tip of the iceberg...", typical translation.
(Wednesday 7 Jan 2004 - b)
A lesson in gold bullion macroeconomics according to a couple of jewlery shop owners, and of course fabricated numbers and figures are thrown around like its nobodies business.
(Wednesday 7 Jan 2004 - a)
Hold the presses! Okaz has uncovered an earthquake that measured 1.2 on the Richter scale. Pardon my ignorance, but can that actually be felt by humans?
(Tuesday 6 Jan 2004)
Now lets get this straight. A 10 year old calls the police for the 3rd time in under a year, complaining about abuse by his father. Father refuses to stop beating up the kid "until he does well in school, prays regularly, then I'll buy him a nice gift". Ah, yes, perfect logic, thank you Okaz.
(Friday 2 Jan 2004)
The inspiration for this site. A wonderful juxtaposition of sewage plants and alien bacteria, plane crashes and traffic accidents, and internet messenger just for good measure. It just brings tears to my eyes *sniff*.