Well golly, what's a good snake oil salesman with out a truckload of folksy B.S. about his past to sling on the dupes? To paraphrase my idol, P.T. Barnum: There's a sucker born every minute --so open wide, honeychile!

Hopefully any of you reading my history elsewhere have no mathematical abilities, because somethangs jest don't add up when it comes to me, the great magickian Jerk H. Dorky.

I like to tell my patsies, --uh, clients - that my family had a house in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles, and that we would spend time out here during the 1940s and 50s. I do enjoy watchin' folks' faces when I tell them that I knew Aleister Crowley. If they nod in awe, I know I have a live one on the hook, because Crowley only visited California once, and that was in 1912! He died in 1947, and had been banned entry in the country after that because of his association with Fascists, Nazi and the like. Charming man, Crowley, often a big, fat liar and one of my heroes, if only for that quality.

I also boast that I knew Dion Fortune. Shucks, Dion Fortune died in 1946;she never left England to visit America (that pesky World War II and her death sort of interfered with travel plans during the time "my family owned a house in Los Feliz") so choke on that, you gullible guppies. I mean, yes I was quite close with many great occult figures, all of whom are dead, so you have no way of checking, now do you---hahahahaahahahah!

Eventually I connived my way into a job at an occult shop, proceeding to rob the till for about two grand a month on top of my salary, while I fondled many a young woman under the guise of "consulting."

Unfortunately for me, my gravy train derailed when new owners came on board and uncovered the many lies I had told throughout my career as a swindler and liar. So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Now just drop your pants and catch my jizz in your hand or mouth, and we'll mix it with a little blood and draw a pretty picture from your tits to your crotch! Hell, I'll pierce you, too - nipples, bellybutton, labia-ooooh, yeah, that's a really magickal place, lemme pierce your labia, and there'll be some real magick happening! Who says magick doesn't work -it gets me everything I want - mainly naked women doing what I say!

Bouwhahahahahaahahahaha!

The preceding public service announcement was brought to you by the Committee for Societal Hygiene, dedicated to exposing exploiters with muckraking mockery, wherein rests the truth. Please check this site for updates.