| No... ITCH NOT! Thank you Sean Connery! |
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| Prologue: A Gaseous Boy A 14 year old Fox Moulder sat precariously on the bed in his older sister's empty room. He sniffed the air flowing through the open/closed window and could sense a Taco Bell bag drifting lazily in the winds of the West Nile desert with the last bits of cheese from a homosexual/transvestite bum's bean-and cheese burrito clinging to it for it's last taste of life. He looked at the cover girl compact mirror he held in his hand and saw his reflection, "I understand." He said snottily, as if he held the secrets of the universe in the glowing green boogers in his nose. Only one Swamp Moon before he had been the only witness to the devil-may-care alien abduction of his sister Sarah. As he watched the bloated alien fly into the room on a carpet of alien sex secretions, he cried, like a constipated woman on her period. "No!" He recalled screaming, "Not her...not Linzy- uh I mean Sarah!". But the glowing bulbous backend of the alien heathed no reply. It took her away into the dusty-cloudy-clear-crisp night that was October 17 never to be seen again. At least in her human form. Leaving him gaseous and alone, the alien fiends fled from this planet with the only person he ever loved. He called out to Sarah constantly in the night, calling for her to rub his well toned muscles and ass..er I mean abs of womanly truth and success as a comforting reminder that she was his incestuous mother/sister/lover. But he was forced to rub them himself. Not that he minded completely, it just wasn't the same. Fox stood up abruptly, forced from the bed by the mysterious fart powers the aliens had given him that night. The strange powers to smell people's secrets had left him knowing far more then his simple and easily corrupted mind could handle, and the even stranger and most confusing power was his unbelievable power to fart his way out of any difficult situation. His firm clenched buttocks quivering ever so gently with the force of curdled prune juice. He paced the room in his long silver wig and stiletto heels with a strut that could peel wall paper. His beautiful and well formed face contorted in a look of pure rage and horniness. He was perplexed, yet turned on, yet sexy and somehow admirable, they stole his sister away yet they gave him the powers that may someday yet help get her back. They seemed to be nothing but a smelly curse, causing family and friends to flee whenever he entered or exited the room by a cloud of pink and green ass gas. But they would come in handy. How, he didn't know, but he knew that somewhere an agency looking for aliens would find him very useful. Call it a hunch, call it a letter that asked if he needed a job looking for aliens from the F.B.I, call it whatever you want. But he was leaving, on a midnight train to Georgia and nothing was going to stop him. Except maybe a sale on hair clips at the mall. "I swear on the holy document of the truthful and wise Canon camera instruction booklet that I will find my sister even if it leads me to INFINITY AND BEYOND!" He screamed slamming a heeled foot on the rainbow shag carpet pointing repeatedly to the enlarged penis that waved in the fart winds between his fishnet stockings. He stormed from the room like an elephant looking for its "Dumbo Sized Trunks" elephant porn magazine. He ran in a hissifit like a gay trucker with a piece of toilet paper in his butt through the streets wearing nothing but a large top hat and fake mustache that was pasted to where his pubic hair should be but still hadn't grown in. His hard on of peace looked like a tiny Hitler smiling under the patch of plastic hair. He giggled every few minutes, like a crack whore getting whipped by the current president of the U.S, as the hair tickled his bronzed thighs of resolution. After years of running and sometimes driving, Fox Moulder reached his destination, The F.B.I headquarters. Months of training and working resulted in the re-christening of Fox as Agent Moulder. He was finally ready to go head to head with the aliens. His first stop on his journey of alien beheading was England, to Hogwarts University. Witches and Wizards...need I say more? |
| Prologue: A Gaseous Boy Chapter 1: The Hippest Hogwarts Chapter 2: The Usual and Unusual Suspects Chapter 3: A Drunkard of a Different Name |
| The Story of Moulder |