| What A Bastard! |
| Every once in a while we Ninja Monkeys come across a tard who manages to do something seriously basTARDly. These people fall somewhere between the spheres of B-and-D-people and regular old tards--not evil enough to deserve admission into either group, but bad enough to separate themselves out from the masses of run-of-the-mill tards. Different from Idiots, these Bastards act out of maliciousness (rather than stupidity) and cunning (rather than impulse). And so begins a new page on the Ninja Monkey Site, the What A Bastard page. Bastard Number One: Janet of Kagi Who is this Janet, you ask? What is the extent of her evil doings? What crime has she committed against Ninja Monkism? Well, my friends, before discussing that let me please direct you to a rough estimation of the conversation between Ninja Monkey Red and Ninja Monkey Wave on the subject of Janet: NMW: I don't think Janet likes me. NMR: Who is Janet? NMW: Janet is my boss. NMR: I thought your boss was a man? NMW: He is. NMR: And he's named Janet? NMW: No, his name is Mike NMR: Well, is Janet his middle name or something? NMW: No, his name is Mike ________. He just goes by Janet. NMR: By choice? NMW: Yeah. NMR: There is seriously something wrong with that. Yes, my fellow Ninjas, friends, and tards: we are dealing here with a bastard so twisted that he actually requests to be referred to as 'Janet.' Now that you understand the kind of ass we are dealing with (and really, do you need any more information in order to conclude how thoroughly Janet sucks?) let me just paraphase his offense: for no reason whatsoever, he has robbed Ninja Monkey Wave of his dignity by stealing from him The Sword of Monkey Wealth. Ninja Monkey Wave came upon this sword almost one year ago to the day and has been defending it from jerks who have coveted it (such as Janet) ever since. Today Janet employed the dastardly tactic of a swift club to the head from behind in order to render NMW unconscious, remove the sword from his possession, and whisk it away to parts unknown. It remains to be seen whether Ninja Monkey Wave will be able to recover his beloved sword, and how long he will have to struggle to locate it, but what does not remain to be seen is just how much of an asshole Janet is. Yes, friends, he is exactly the amount of bastard you'd expect a man who purposefully goes by Janet to be. THIS JUST IN: Little known to the author of this page, the evil Janet/Mike is a REPEAT OFFENDER. Yes, friends, when Bush Baby returned from her lengthy sojourn to the West Indies, she shook her head and commented, "Yeah, Janet does suck. He stole my Sword of Monkey Prosperity like a year ago." What a tool! What a gigantic stinking turd of a loser! We must not stand for this; Janet must be stopped! Bastard Number Two: Anyone Who Owns a Gigantic Umbrella Look, I know we've gone over this before, but you're still not getting it: you don't need a Hummer-size umbrella unless you are a huge fat cow! This morning on the way to my first mission at least half the people I passed were carrying giant, mammoth umbrellas, and only about a quarter of those people were even in the running to becoming huge fat cows. They took up the entire sidewalk! They bumped my demure, monkey-size umbrella with callous indifference! What huge jerks! Listen, Umbrella-bastards, if getting wet is such an issue why don't you just stay inside? Or, better yet, why don't you take it a step further and start wearing plastic space suits when inclement weather takes over the city? Cover yourself in vinyl Burberry and DKNY prints; you can get little flaps on the chest that say "Too wet to fcuk," and you can feel extraspecially clever for keeping so super duper dry while all the other fools out there walk around with their black, $2.00 umbrella-dude umbrellas. And best of all, you won't get in our fucking way! Everyone has to deal with the dual annoyances of wind and rain, but should we also have to suffer pansies that can't take a little water on their cuffs? Let's all do our parts to make autumn weather bearable and stick to normal sized umbrellas. |
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