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Back to last part - The Questions, Part One
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Given the chance, if you could bring any one of us who is unfortunately "corporally challeged," ya know, dead, which of us would it be & why?
Btb, Maria, we got some great orgies goin' on at the resort here and we all wish you were here but we're cheering for you!
Bring it all home!
I know I should say Alex since he's one of my best friends--well, actually he is my best friend. Liz can continue to go to hell as far as I'm concerned. Okay, where was I? Oh, right. I should say Alex, right? 'Cause he's been my friend for ages and I really, really miss him. But, the one thing he wanted more than anything was to hook up with Isabel, and ever since he died she is totally in love with him. I can't take that away from him.
So, if I could bring back one of you, it would be you, Betty, of course, with Courtney a close second. The things you ladies could do ... I can only imagine how wonderful it would be if you were, you know, all there. In fact, I imagine it all the time!
[Btb, Maria, we got some great orgies goin' on at the resort here and we all wish you were here but we're cheering for you!]
Ah, thanks, sweetie! You're the best! Just remember, Spaceboy is mine when we leave this godforsaken place.
I've gotta go now; it's my night with the WonderWand.
I present to ya'll, the WonderWand 5000!!
Lonnie holds it up, to the sounds of ooh's and aah's from the booted Survivors.
Anyways, my question is, there are two couples having sex. Couple number one is having sex on a plane traveling west bound from New York at 300 miles an hour, using a ribbed lubricated condom.
Couple number two is traveling east bound on a train from Los Angeles at 70 miles an hour, using the WonderWand and a spermicidal lubricant.
So, in circumspect, when you both get off the island, which one of you should I have sex with first and why?
You should have sex with me. Please allow me to explain. First of all, I can tell by your insightful question that you have a highly developed intellect, I find that irrestible. A woman with a mind like yours gives me a full on chubby every time. Of course I solved that 'sex in motion' quandry without much difficulty. Actually the key to it lay (so to speak) in the use of the ribbed rubber condoms you mentioned. This struck me as a strange detail at first, but then I remembered something I read in that extension course, "Relative Tensile Strengths of Latex vs Natural Rubber" (interesting course, by the way, I recommend it). You see, the friction developed by the average ribbed latex condom is directly proportional to the drag co-efficient between the thrust (T), and the withdrawal (w). The equation looks like this:
TwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTwTw...TwTw.....TwTwTw...TTTTTTT ............w.
Now, the average pelvic thrust/withdrawl has a velocity of 17.3mph. When combined with the forward motion of the plane, which you said was 300mph (assuming, of course, that the thrusting was in the same direction that the plane was traveling, and the withdrawal in the opposing vector), this results in a terminal thrusting velocity (TTV) of 317.3mph, and a terminal withdrawal velocity (TwV) of 282.7mph! Think of the implications, a TTV of 317.3mph! Good God woman, I love the way your mind works!!! What a problem, what a solution! A man could get lost in numbers like that! You HAVE to have sex with me first. Numbers never lie. Rrrrrr...
"It's wonderful how mathematics can help you to know yourself." (Samuel Beckett)
Having given this question approximately two seconds thought, the answer is quite clear. I guess it would be .... AMY. As far as why is concerned -- DUH!! I'm guess I'm just old-fashioned, but this WonderWand thing ain't got nuthin' on pressin' the flesh, if you know what I'm saying.
Sorry, son, but you're almost ready to go off to college on a football scholarship, anyway. Or to join a Buddhist monastery in Katmandu. One of those, I just know it.
Amy. It's gotta be Amy. God, those long legs ... that tight ass ... that ...
MARIA! You finished with that damned wand yet???!!!!
What was the question? Oh right, the Mile High Club vs the Rockin' on the Rails Crew. Well, Lonnie, I would have to say you should screw Porno before me. After this last week alone with Porno, followed by so much time with Laurie, Kyle, and Betty, I'm in serious need of some attention from that one thing you ain't got. The WonderWand is a fantastic substitute, and I'm thrilled that you don't want it back, but I need some hot alien dic--lovin' from my Mikey.
Surgeon: Um, Laurie?
What?
Surgeon: You are not still in the game. You got voted off a week ago and you've been at the Rejects Resort for the past two days making out with Liz and calling her your "Googily Grandma."
I don't remember anything like that.
Emcee: (worriedly) Maybe Tess mindwarped her at the Resort into thinking she was still in the game.
Peachy: (OS) Don't worry. This girl doesn't even remember to change her underwear every month. She probably just forgot she got voted off.
Forget? Insanity! I never forget anything. Um, who are you?
Surgeon: I've been your cameraman for a very long time.
Oh. But I'm still in the game, right? I mean, my monkeys haven't even come back yet.
Peachy: (OS, to the cameramen) Just humor her for now. Our lawyers can throw her in the ocean later. Tell her to ask a question.
Surgeon: Um, yes. You're still in the game. Do you have a question you would like to ask your, um, coplayers?
Yes I do. Maria, Sheriff, I was just wondering. How sexy am I really? And no, you don't have to lie to keep my ego intact. Oh, and if you were going to have sex with me, what postition would you choose? And if you could have sex with one of my monkeys, which one would you choose? Or would you want all of them?
Peachy: (OS, to a grip) Get me fifteen feet of chicken wire and a gag, would you? Oh, and tell the gaffers to get the boat ready.
Umm ... would you mind clarifying exactly who is and who isn't dead? 'Cuz I've lost track! It's not like y'all GO anywhere or stop screwing like rabbits just because a little rigor mortis has set in. I gotta tell you, it's pretty hard to tell the difference between Max dead and Max just really sort of depressed. So who is it that's dead again?
Oh, wait. I remember. Isabel got picked apart by vultures, right, along with Max? That's pretty dead ... I guess I'd pick Isabel, 'cuz you know, tatas like those belong to the world. And so far only half the world's got to sample them, if you know what I'm saying.
[Maria, Sheriff, I was just wondering. How sexy am I really?]
An infintessimal amount.
[And no, you don't have to lie to keep my ego intact.]
Yeah, we're all really worried about THAT one.
[Oh, and if you were going to have sex with me, what postition would you choose?]
That would be the position where you have a bag over your head, and I'm on the other side of the island.
[And if you could have sex with one of my monkeys, which one would you choose? Or would you want all of them?]
Excuse me, I think I'll go throw up now.
Laurie, hon, we've already had this conversation, remember? Crazy and sexy are not the same thing.
[And no, you don't have to lie to keep my ego intact.]
Well, we already knew that. There isn't a single part of your mind that's anything close to intact.
[Oh, and if you were going to have sex with me, what position would you choose?]
I would borrow Porno's handcuffs, restrain you on the bed in the backroom, and leave as quickly as possible.
[And if you could have sex with one of my monkeys, which one would you choose? Or would you want all of them?]
Laurie, you don't have any monkeys. The lawyers, um, I mean the sharks ate them. Sorry.
Well fuck that. No way is all the creative talent I've been forced to hide under my ultra cheesy exterior going to go to waste for another three years. You people can't begin to understand how tedious it is, day after day, to contrive, contrive, contrive. Who is going to have a fake fight with whom? Can we come up with an orgy combination that wasn't tired a month ago? Didn't Michael and Kyle perfect that wrestling position last month? If Liz gets even more dumb than she already is, won't that strain even our viewing audience's credulity? I need more of a creative outlet than this.
So that's it. I'm breaking my contract, even if I have to inject continuity, good storytelling and character development into this damn show to do it. There's no way the producers will be able to stand for that! Nothing is standing between me and my dream of starting my two man cabaret show with Max. Nothing!
So here's some questions for our Diseased Duo. I'm not allowed to ask them anything? Well, then, maybe you should fire me for contract violations, huh? Yeah, exactly.
1) Do you think I'm sexy?
2) You'd totally do me, wouldn't you?
3) What life lesson have you learned from your experience on the island? (Hey, that's not my question! Damn monkeys.)
4) What has been your most fulfilling sexual encounter while playing Survivor? And provide details.
5) You can either kill any one of your tribesmates in the most gruesome and painful way possible, or you have any former player as your sexual slave for 24 hours? Which do you choose, and why?
6) Do you think my ass looks fluffy in these pants?
7) Bigger loser: Kato or Max?
8) No, seriously, I AM hot, right?
Honestly ... no. Corporate lackeys just don't do it for me.
[2) You'd totally do me, wouldn't you?]
Again, no. I know I've fucked an awful lot of people since I got here, including Rath, but a girl's got to have some standards.
[3) What life lesson have you learned from your experience on the island? (Hey, that's not my question! Damn monkeys.)]
Make sure the powder completely dissolves when you make Jell-O; otherwise it causes a nasty rash when taken internally, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
BTW, Laurie, have you seen a doctor yet? They have medical people over there, you know.
[4) What has been your most fulfilling sexual encounter while playing Survivor? And provide details.]
I'd say that very first foursome I had with Michael, Rath, and Courtney. This doesn't take anything away from the hundreds of other amazing sexcapades I've indulged in, but that first time awakened so many sensations.... And, bonus, since Rath was such a dick about tricking me into losing my virginity with him, I made him continue to pretend to be Michael. Two Michaels brings new meaning to the phrase "Double your pleasure, double your fun."
[5) You can either kill any one of your tribesmates in the most gruesome and painful way possible, or you have any former player as your sexual slave for 24 hours? Which do you choose,and why?]
I have to kill someone from my own tribe? Fuck, that means not Liz and not Kato. All right, I'll take a sex slave.... Give me Michael. And I know you're all thinking it's just a sex thing, but if he's my slave I can cut his hair, right?
[6) Do you think my ass looks fluffy in these pants?]
If you think I'm gonna check out your ass, you're crazier than Laurie and Topolsky combined. Forget it.
[7) Bigger loser: Kato or Max?]
Duh, Kato is the one responsible for all the drivel Max spews, is he not? So that would make him the biggest loser the universe has ever seen.
[8) No, seriously, I AM hot, right?]
Assuming you mean temperature, yes you are. It's August and you're in the middle of the fucking desert, you moron. And those pit stains prove my point.
Now, does anyone else have any questions, or can Porno and I get started on our farewell party? We have a lot of booze to finish up before we leave tomorrow, so we need to commence drinking now. It's cocktail hour somewhere in the world, you know.
Maria, may I ask a couple of follow-ups?
(1) Who, pray tell, puts words in your mouth?
(2) Now that we're on UPN, I've arranged to have the Star Trek make-up department work on your "problem areas." Hope you're not allergic to latex. Report to them at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow to have your new ears fit. Oh, look. That wasn't a question. Huh.
(3) Oh, Maria. How soon you forget. You think you'd show a little more respect to someone who rescued you from obscurity. I never realized that Maria, formerly of The Tony Danza Show and most recently seen as "Talking Prop" in Traffic, would be that negative about her employer. And if you are going to spew such venom, do it on your own website! Again, not a question. Oh, well.
(4) Did you hear? Maria's turning lesbian this season. And there's a teacher at Roswell High that's caught her eye. We've got Rue McClanahan booked! Isn't that exciting? She's negotiated a weekly appointment to get her thighs scraped on Monday afternoons, but other than that, she's free.
(5) We've planned a great singing episode for you, but we've decided to have you lip-sync to some of Max's vocals. It will all make sense when you see the Maria-turns-into-a-man B-story during sweeps. The prosthetic pecker looks fantastic (but tastes a little waxy).
(6) How did you feel after we had sex in the coatroom during last season's wrap party? Oh. Was I not supposed to mention that? Well, Frakes got the stains out of his cashmere jacket, so our secret is safe.
Porno: You've been quiet. Anything to add?
Well, the words that are worth saying come from all the other writers; every time you write a script I'm a screechy shrew.
[(2) Now that we're on UPN, I've arranged to have the Star Trek make-up department work on your "problem areas." Hope you're not allergic to latex. Report to them at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow to have your new ears fit. Oh, look. That wasn't a question. Huh.]
Have you seen my hair? It covers my ears! And if Michael gets to do his own hair, so do I. The makeup people will be wasting their time. But if you really want to deal with my problem areas, they can give me boobs. That damn aquabra was pretty uncomfortable when the water froze.
[(3) Oh, Maria. How soon you forget. You think you'd show a little more respect to someone who rescued you from obscurity. I never realized that Maria, formerly of The Tony Danza Show and most recently seen as "Talking Prop" in Traffic, would be that negative about her employer. And if you are going to spew such venom, do it on your own website! Again, not a question. Oh, well.]
Well, maybe you should take that up with Majandra. I hear she looks just like me.
[(4) Did you hear? Maria's turning lesbian this season. And there's a teacher at Roswell High that's caught her eye. We've got Rue McClanahan booked! Isn't that exciting? She's negotiated a weekly appointment to get her thighs scraped on Monday afternoons, but other than that, she's free.]
If you look closely at the details of your contract with UPN, you're not allowed to cast anyone who's that old, and you're not allowed to cast a love interest for me who isn't younger than 25 and at least a 9. Nice try, though.
[(5) We've planned a great singing episode for you, but we've decided to have you lip-sync to some of Max's vocals. It will all make sense when you see the Maria-turns-into-a-man B-story during sweeps. The prosthetic pecker looks fantastic (but tastes a little waxy).]
So I'll be a lesbian who turns into a man, or I'll turn into a man and still like women? You're making even less sense than you usually do. Oh, and I'm already working on my first album, so I don't need to sing on the show anymore. Thanks anyway.
[(6) How did you feel after we had sex in the coatroom during last season's wrap party? Oh. Was I not supposed to mention that? Well, Frakes got the stains out of his cashmere jacket, so our secret is safe.]
Honey, that was Rue McClanahan, and Frakes and I have the tape to prove it.
[1) Do you think I'm sexy?]
Totally, totally hot. The sheen of cheap polyester stretched across ample buttocks does it for me every time.
[2) You'd totally do me, wouldn't you?]
Why don't you just bend over and see what happens?
[3) What life lesson have you learned from your experience on the island? (Hey, that's not my question! Damn monkeys.)]
That roadkill monkeys can be very, VERY tasty.
[4) What has been your most fulfilling sexual encounter while playing Survivor? And provide details.]
That would have to be the Lonnie/Isabel sandwich with me playing the role of "Meat".
[5) You can either kill any one of your tribesmates in the most gruesome and painful way possible, or you have any former player as your sexual slave for 24 hours? Which do you choose, and why?]
Oh, that's easy. Amy, come to Master!!!
What? WHY? Don't you know? Peachy, you're totally hot, but you're lame if you can't answer that one!
[6) Do you think my ass looks fluffy in these pants?]
Like a marshmallow, baby! Yum, YUM!!!
[7) Bigger loser: Kato or Max?]
Actually, that would be Laurie.
[8) No, seriously, I AM hot, right?]
Hey, my full on chubby is all aquiver just thinkin' about you, Marshmallow Butt!
[Porno: You've been quiet. Anything to add?]
What? Oh, sorry ... I was just thumbing through this catalog of Fall Extension Courses to see what books I'm going to need -- turns out they let me register by mail!! Good thing I saved one flying monkey to deliver the registration form, huh, Maria?! I can take that class on making chastity belts after all!
Oh, you're welcome.
Isn't THAT a fun thought to have about your mom? Or would that be about your mom, your dad, and your uncles Vito, Salvadore, and "Chuckles the Muscles"?
Oh, and we won't even MENTION to your mother how you sleepwalked into my tent last night moaning something about, "The chubby ... gotta have the chubby! Stick me with that full on chubby!" Will we?
It did help me to invent a whole new sport, though -- Wonder Fencing! Like regular fencing, but using a WonderWand -- hmmm, think I should offer to teach an extension course?
BTW, my father was an only child. And since you're the one who reaped the benefit of my mother's decade-long dry spell, you might want to be careful what you accuse her of.
And you'd better stop talking trash about "Uncle" Vito and "Uncle" Sal. I'll get the Eyetalian Anti-Defamation League after you. Oh, and the uncs will sic Chuckles and Paulie Walnuts on you.
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On to next part - The Winner