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Back to last part - We Really Milked This Little Game, Didn't We?
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What? It's POST- vulture? Eeeewww ...
Wow, tough question. Hard to say. So many legal and moral issues involved. Remarkable question. Really insightful.
Okay! Next question!!!
But can you define "deserted"? 'Cause if we're both here and Max is here, then it won't be deserted. And while we're at it, what exactly do you mean by "which way do you go"? If it's just us, then sexual preference shouldn't matter. And what exactly are you implying when you use the word "stranded"? Are we stuck at the Strand (such a wonderful bookstore!)? And what's with "your only options are each other"? 'Cause under the aforementioned circumstances, I'm going with self-love till I go blind.
Hey, if parsing the question to death was good enough for the President, it's good enough for me. Now you've taken up enough of my time for tonight. The search for the WonderWand must continue. I've got miles to go before I sleep.
Would you fuck me or would you fuck each other? Self-love is not an option. And it's pre-vultures, Porno. Or, you know, whichever way you like it...
Ok, so my question for the two of you -
At this point Kyle is distracted by a demonstration of a new wrestling move Michael, Betty, and Alex discovered while hanging at the rejects resort, before Kyle arrived.
Wow, I didn't even know you could bend like that.
As he's watching the scantily-clad goodness that is wrestling, the cameramen get bored and start talking about Max's question and his recent prohibition of self-love. Kyle picks up on the conversation.
Wait a minute. What was Max's question?
We hear the cameramen explaining it to Kyle.
Oh, that is so like Max. He is so full of himself. *mockingly, in a monotone voice* I'm the ruler of an alien planet. I can make people do whatever I say. I can prohibit self-love. It doesn't matter, because I never have to follow my own rules. I can have all the self-love I want.
The cameramen are nodding their heads in agreement.
Of course, he needs that self-love. No one will go near him after what the vultures did to the pecs of steel. Even Isabel won't -
CM whispers that they have the option of pre or post vulture.
Oh, well pre-vulture... His pecs were nice, even if the steel could give minor cuts during se-, er, wrestling practice. And he did have that great ass...
Of course, as usual he's being ass. I mean, how can he deny the Wonderwand? I've heard from Betty the magic that thing can work. Does he really think he's as good as the Wand? His powers just can't compare. That's probably why he banned it. Wand envy. Plus, he never uses his powers for fun anyway. He only seems to use them when tons of people he doesn't want to know he's an alien are around.
And I bet he thinks that they'll both choose him. That arrogance. And if they don't he'll get all mopey and beat up the trashcans again. Can he be more pathetic?!
CM: So is that your question?
Huh?
CM: Your question for Maria and Porno?
Well, it wasn't what I was planning on asking, but sure. Why not?
So, Dad, Maria, here's my question. Can Max be any more pathetic? And no measly one or two word answers. I want at least a few sentences explaining why or why not.
Kyle, that's a little easier. Now, Max MIGHT be able to be a little more pathetic, but it's hard to see how. He'd really have to work on it. Go for an all time personal best. And considering the fact that he's picked over vulture meat, I'd say it would be pretty hard for him to get up the necessary level of artificial angst (not to mention lung capacity for all of those long, breathy, meaningful pauses) to be able to to do it.
Great question, son! Oh, and look! I'm bringing home a souvenir!
Waves WonderWand at the camera
See you soon!
[Would you fuck me or would you fuck each other? Self-love is not an option. And it's pre-vultures, Porno. Or, you know, whichever way you like it...]
[Can Max be any more pathetic? And no measly one or two word answers. I want at least a few sentences explaining why or why not.]
Well, let's see. Fuck my mom's boyfriend or my boyfriend's so-called best friend? Hmmm. Mom, if you're watching this, you might want to hit the mute button till I figure this out.
Let's see, Porno has a better smile and he's way less creepy, but they're equally likely to burst into song. Advantage: Porno.
I heard Max is still able to provide that one-hour point of culmination, but then I'd have to listen to him call it that. That's a tie.
Porno's twice my age but still breathing; Max is my age but dead. That's a tossup.
Porno could end up being my stepfather, but I've always had a thing for Woody Allen so ... all right, pressed for an answer, I'd go with Porno and his years of experience. He manages to make my mother happy and keep her satisfied, and that ain't easy. Why do you all think I'm so horny? And he survived his back-room party with all the girls and he even made Lonnie happy, so he's got to have some serious moves going on. BUT--and this is a BIG but--this was a hypothetical question, so if he puts a hand on me for real I'll tell my mom what a freak he is.
And this also answers Kyle's question. I'm stuck here with my future stepfather and I can't find the WonderWand anywhere and I fucked almost everyone in sight for weeks, but I'd still pass on King Pecs and sleep with Porno. So the only way Max could be more pathetic would be if he caught on fire and Michael and Kyle had to piss on him to put it out.
All right, can I go now? I'm very busy retraining what's left of Laurie's flying monkeys. Their sole mission now is to find the WonderWand, and I need to split them up into teams so they can search more efficiently.
Eddie falls on his knees and sobs.
CM:Hey, buddy, it's been 2 hours now, we haven't got all day. At least, I don't. Since I'm not a ghost and all. And you're only allowed one question.
I'm sorry, I just get really emotional. Okay, the first one. Got to go. I feel slightly better, now that Betty's at Reject Resort.
Um, Eddie, buddy, I think you've been scraping yourself off the wheels of Kato's vehicle for so long that you forgot something. Owen and Jose never came to this island.
But I can tell you that the man to speak to about Owen is Deputy Hanson. You know Hanson never would have gotten to be top dog at the sheriff's station if Hawk were still around. And Jose is filling in for Michael at the Crashdown.
Now please go hang out with Isabel so Kato can see how you two look together. That girl needs a love interest who isn't her brother, and she needs it now. Go!
PS: Eddie, just between you and me, next time ask Porno exactly where he's storing your body.
Storing it? Nobody's storing it! Unless you consider that nice little deposit of adipose tissue you've got there on your butt "storing it"!
Umm, back to Eddie's question:
[whatever happened to Owen the Native American Deputy and Jose the Fry Cook?--the ghost of Eddie]
Well, as far as Owen is concerned, I believe that he looked long and hard at the dignity of his Native American heritage, and decided to get a higher-profile gig on IRON CHEF - THE LEGEND CONTINUES. That or PBS PLAYHOUSE. As far as Jos� is concerned, I think you might want to ask Michael how it is that the fry cook job opened up JUST when he happened to need it. Not to mention his stint as cook commencing with an All-You-Can-Eat Bar-B-Q special!
Kind of inspirational, that. The American Dream. Another alien comes to this great land and makes good.
"Yankee Doodle" starts playing softly in the background
You see, that's what this is all about. Surviving in the face of adversity. Making the best out of each and every opportunity. Following your dreams in spite of all the obstacles that life throws your way. Believing that --
Static, then a test screen
We apologize, but we are having technical difficulties due to the cameraman throwing up on his steadycam. We hope to rejoin ROSWELL SURVIVOR shortly.
Hey, "Dad," that was kind of my point.
I just wanted to tell you all that my monkeys have begun the search for Spoc--oh, sorry, wrong voiceover--the WonderWand, and they'll be patrolling in your neck of the woods soon; they'll find you whereever you are. If you want to escape without injury, I suggest you hold that sucker up over your head as soon as you see them coming and then let go as soon as they grab it.
*a pair of monkeys fly into the hut and sit at Maria's feet, carrying Betty's tape recorder* No, monkeys, not this. The other thing with batteries. Throw that in the Jell-O pit and go get me that WonderWand.
Betty, I'd send you your tape recorder back, but you missed a spot when you waxed my legs. Sorry.
I don't care what those monkeys turn up with, no one gets anything back until I have that Wand!
I can't do it. I just can't do it.
Cameraman: What's that?
I can't keep it from her. I just can't. It's too good. I mean, we're going to be family. Aren't families supposed to share the good times as well as the bad? And let me tell you, this sucker is one good time!
Cameraman: Wait a minute. Are you talking about the --?
The WonderWand! Yes, the WonderWand! It IS a Wonder Wand! And I can't just have the girl I hope to have as a stepdaughter someday wandering desperately in search of it. Going without. It's wrong, I tell you, wrong! And I'm one of the good guys, dammit!!
Leans back to give a full-throated picturesque bellow
MARIA!! The WonderWand is HERE!!!!!
Maria runs breathless into the cafe. Porno extends the WonderWand in a shaking hand.
Maria, we're practically family. We can SHARE!!!
The music swells as the world awaits Maria's decision. Meanwhile, the cameraman vomits in a nearby corner.
Porno: All right, but I want it back tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning? But that's so soon--oh, all right. You know, I was just about to send the monkeys in to tear up the bar. I'm glad we managed to work this out. *Maria whistles* Hey, monkeys, I'll be in the backroom all night. You guys get Porno whatever he needs. Oh, and take that stupid tape recorder back to Betty, give Mr. Squishells back to Kyle, and give the electric hair clippers to Rath and tell him to cut Michael's mullet off. The taser and the Gameboy stay here.
And Liz, to answer your question: Of course I'll help you with Max. 'Cause I'm assuming you realize that the only thing left to do with that vulture-torn corpse is burying him. I'll definitely grab whatever digging equipment I can find and pitch in for that.
Discuss...
Hey Maria, you takin' good care of dat Wanderwand? Cause Lonnie wants it back after dis whole silly game is finished. And she don't want it all damaged and shit.
Anyway the question. As a promotional stunt for Roswell Surviors move to da Smackdown network next season, you are part of a to-da-death mud wrestlin' three way cage match against Max 'n Liz. Dat is pre- vulture, all pexed up Max. Now we all know dat you would win, cause them two is just lame, but da question is who would you dispose of first, and why?
Yeah, the WonderWand is fine; Porno has it right now. But Lonnie's gonna have to fight us for it if she wants it back. That puppy's moving into the DeLuca-Valenti family, baby.
[Anyway the question ... you are part of a to-da-death mud wrestlin' three way cage match against Max 'n Liz. Dat is pre- vulture, all pexed up Max. Who would you dispose of first, and why?]
Shit, that's a tough choice to make. That's like trying to decide which one of them is the biggest loser, and that debate's been raging since time immemorial.
All right, let's weigh the pros and cons. I'll try the Princess Bride debate: I've been wanting to get rid of Liz for a while now, especially after she mindwarped Michael into breaking up with me. So I cannot choose the Max in front of me.
But you must have known that I would want to get rid of Liz, so clearly I cannot choose the Liz in front of me.
But of course you would know that I would know that you knew I would want to get rid of Liz, so I cannot choose the Liz in front of me.... Fuck, this isn't helping at all. How did Vizzini figure anything out?
All right, let's try another way: If I kill Liz first, Max will seek retribution. Or will he? I think Max is actually more likely to curl up in the corner and cry about his poor little Liz and how much he loved his fucking soulmate. Or he'd try to heal her again, 'cause that boy hasn't learned a thing even after all the trouble that brought on the first time. Either way, he'll be distracted and weakened, giving me a chance to finish him off. Okay, that plan is bank.
On the other hand, if I push Max in front of a truck, so to speak, Liz will fly into a rage, and she can be pretty tenacious. I think she would go into a total rage and become a mad woman, screaming at me about how I should feel responsible for Max's death. Hmmm.
So I can choose between a crying or distracted Max or an enraged Liz. Okay, final answer: Liz goes first.
And thanks for acknowledging this:
[Now we all know dat you would win, cause them two is just lame]
Damn straight I would win. I'll turn Max into a little girlie-man and Liz into a pile of chips and wires.
Ah, geez, THOSE two? Who needs to take 'em in turns? Snap the Lizbot's neck while giving Max a sharp kick to the cajones, then bring him down on the backswing. Piece o' cake! Because, as you point out so astutely in your question, they're like, just lame.
Yet in the end, the two final survivors are still living. I think we all agree this is irresponsible of your program and harmful to viewers who have passed on and those living alike. Think of the impressionable young children you are influencing, who will continue to tease the differently-existing and pick them last for sports.
On behalf of the Zombie, Angel, Ghost, and Hallucination Alliance for Anti-Defamation (ZAGHAAD) and Mr. Sorenson, we would like to know how you will address these issues in the final week and - pending the UPN pickup - next season. We'd appreciate a large donation from each of you to ZAGHAAD and the airing of a public service announcement during your finale. Starring our client. Who would like to dye his body hair pink and perform a tribal war dance interpreting the career of television's Bill Nye*. In addition, how would you feel if we arranged to have one of you killed? Just to be fair.
*the science guy
Why the fuck are you talking to us? Take it up with Peachy and the other asshole suits.
[We'd appreciate a large donation from each of you to ZAGHAAD ...]
Hmm, sure, I'll donate all that paperwork in the file cabinet. And you can have all the Tabasco sauce that's left. *yelling offscreen* Hey Porno, do you want to donate something to Grant's lawyers? Hey, I can't flip 'em the bird, I'm on camera! I can't say that either! All right, I'll tell them. *talking into the camera again* Porno needs more time to think about his donation. There's leftover monkey though, so make sure you get some of that.
[... and the airing of a public service announcement during your finale. Starring our client. Who would like to dye his body hair pink and perform a tribal war dance interpreting the career of television's Bill Nye*.]
Again, take it up with Peachy. But I'm not lifting a finger to help make this happen unless you take care of your client's unibrow, and I don't mean dye it pink.
[In addition, how would you feel if we arranged to have one of you killed? Just to be fair.]
So that's your question? *in a verysarcastic tone* Gee, I'd love it if you arranged for one of us to be killed! How cool would that be? *speaking normally, for Maria anyway* But sarcasm is wasted on lawyers, so, just for the record, I would feel bad, horrible, devastated, morose, long-faced, mopish, tearful, anguished, doleful, inconsolable, heartsick, forlorn, crushed, dejected, miserable, wretched, heavyhearted, and laden with sorrow.
You're a bunch of freaks! What the hell kind of lawyers are you? Unibrowed-queen-repping experts from Wolfram and Hart?
As far as how I would feel about you killing one of us, "just to be fair" ... I would say that I'm pretty strongly opposed to that. Unless, of course, the alternative is having to watch that dance you described. Then death might be preferable.
Here, have a nice bowl of fermented monkey stew.*
*DISCLAIMER: Stew to be eaten entirely at your own risk. The management, staff, and all other assorted flunkies and rodent control personnel of Natural Causes will not be held responsible for any food poisoning, rat droppings, or other additives that the consumer might find objectionable. You wanna eat somethin' made of dessicated monkey remains, you're stupid anyway, and we ain't gettin' sued just 'cuz you're so fuckin' dumb. Deal with it.
Hey, have any of you guys seen my monkeys? Sheriff Valenti told me he sent them off to baseball camp, but why aren't they writing to me? I really wish they had been here to enjoy that delicious rump roast we ate the other day.
Surgeon: Laurie, you got voted off a long time ago.
Hee! No I didn't. Everybody loves me, and Maria is my best friend!
Surgeon: Actually everybody hates you, including Maria, and you got voted off a week ago so why don't you just get your bony, scratched-up ass over to the Rejects Resort before someone throws your ass over there for good!
You can't make me!
A group off security guards picks Laurie up and starts to carry her away.
You can't vote me off! I have monkeys! As soon as they get back from baseball camp they'll kick all your asses!
Surgeon: (to an OS Maria and Porno) And you guys waited until now to do this because...?
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On to next part - The Questions, Part Two