-------
Back to last part - The Tribe Continues To Dwindle
-------
Ah...this is the life.
Surgeon: Um, no, actually, it isn't. You don't seem to have noticed that Betty is getting blamed for impersonating Maria, or that Maria is crying herself to sleep every night thinking about Michael. I thought she was your best friend. Don't you care about her?
Oh, of course I do. That's why my monkeys are trained to make her do things for me. Oh, and they can fly! Have you ever seen them fly?
Emcee: Unfortunately, we have.
Have you ever seen the movie Tron?
Emcee: Um, once, but it was the eighties, and nobody should be held accountable for what happened back then.
My monkeys are trained to act out a scene from it. They're really very good. Well, Posh Monkey has been a little temperamental about it lately, but you know how those divas are.
Laurie motions to a random monkey off-screen.
Hey you! Sporty Monkey! I need more ice in my drink! And tell your friend over there to go bring me Maria. I haven't seen her in seven minutes and forty-three seconds.
The monkey comes back moments later with Maria trailing beside it.
Maria: What is it now, Laurie?
You have shiny hair. Can I touch it?
Maria: You touched it this morning. I really need to--hey, what's that?
Maria has suddenly noticed the Wand floating in Laurie's drink.
Oh, it's your toy. I like it. It's shiny. I'm not sure what it does. Maybe you can help me figure out--
Maria has already snatched up the WonderWand and can be seen running away from the booth, giggling in glee.
Eh, oh well. It didn't taste that good anyway.
Cabaret emcee: Okay. How are you?
Better. Kyle is still with Betty. She made us make up so we could comfort her. She's all upset about something. She keeps telling me she's sorry, and when I ask her what's the matter she won't say. She's pretty upset about something, but at least she got Kyle and me talking to each other again.
Cmc: Why weren't you talking to Kyle?
Didn't you see that fight we had when Michael left?
*flashback starts*
Michael is standing by the dock, crying in the rain, watching Maria and Kyle argue. Maria is trying to find a window to open so she can get Michael to come sleep on her bed, while Kyle is trying to get Michael to go back into the Jell-O pool with him.
Maria: Dammit, Kyle, you've been saying good-bye to Michael all night. Get the hell out of my way!
Kyle: You've been with Michael all this week. I haven't had a chance to have a one-on-one wrestling match with him yet. There are some moves that just can't be done in a foursome. I need to practice those moves with him, if you know what I mean, and I know you do.
Maria: I don't care about your fucking wrestling practice! You can practice with the flying monkeys! What the hell am I supposed to do without Michael? He's the only man here I can have sex with!
Kyle: Oh, I heard about your little backroom party with the Cabaret emcee from Betty. *in a falsetto* "Michael's the only man I can have sex with," *with mock sadness* Oh no. Poor little slut's just going to have to settle for the emcee. What a tragedy.
Maria: I'm a slut?! You dumped Michael for Alex without a second thought, and he's a freakin' ghost! Who the hell are you to talk?
Kyle: Hey, do not mock the talents of the dead. There are just some things a ghost can do in b-, er in wrestling practice, that someone living can't. And I didn't dump Michael. I'm 160 pounds of All-American Greco-Roman wrestler, how could I fail to try out the moves Alex said he could show me. When it came down to it, I voted him off, just like Michael asked me to.
Maria: Ha! I had to turn in your vote for you, you little wimp. As always, I had to do what would make Michael happy. And I know exactly how to make Michael happy, so get out of my way.
Kyle: Wimp? Wimp? I withstood the pecs of steel. I was up (in more ways than one) to the challenge of keeping the girls satisfied when the WonderWand was confiscated.
Maria: *imitating Kyle's earlier attitude* Oh no. Poor little slut had to have a lot of sex with a couple of babes. What a tragedy.
Kyle: Get out of my way, or I'll go get Dad and his handcuffs and I'll lock you in the backroom without the WonderWand for a week.
Maria: Oh, go tell Daddy all about it, you big crybaby!
Kyle (steps up so he and Maria are face to face): Get. out. of. the. way.
Maria (hitting Kyle on the chest as she spits out each word): Back. the. fuck. up. you jerkoff. Michael is mine!
Kyle grabs Maria by the shoulders and shakes her; Maria knees him in the groin. In the background the boat can be seen heading out to sea, with Michael's waterlogged face staring sadly out a window.
Kyle: You bitch! Now we can't say good-bye at all! *yelling toward the boat* Michael, tell Alex I miss him!
Maria: You're the bitch, you asshole! I hate you!... Michael, I love you!
Maria slaps Kyle across the face; Kyle slaps Maria. She slaps him with the other hand, leaving scratches down his cheek; he starts pulling her hair. Maria grabs a chunk of Kyle's hair, and then they start slapping blindly at each other, flailing around till they both fall down.
Betty: Hey Laurie, Porno, Emcee, Surgeon Guy, everyone! It's a catfight!
They all surround Kyle and Maria, rooting them on, till Porno comes over with a firehose and soaks them till they stop. Kyle and Maria are on the ground, wet T-shirts clinging to their chests. Betty licks her lips, grabs each of them by a hand, and pulls them up. She gives them each a kiss and says, "Can't we all just get along?," then pulls them toward a tent.
Porno: All right, people, move along. Nothing to see here.
*flashback ends*
Anyway, things are okay with Kyle now. And I was sitting at the bar, crying all over my margarita salt, when Laurie's fucking monkey dragged me over here, and look what I have now *waving the WonderWand*. Wait till Betty sees this!
Cmc: Um, Maria, I kind of hate to bring this up, but did you figure out what happened with the vote the other day?
What? What vo--oh, you mean when someone screwed me over and voted off my favorite Martian? Why are you asking me about that?
Cmc: Well, Betty was here before and she seems like she's feeling a little guilty about something, and you said yourself that she's been apologizing to you all day, and, um, not to point out the obvious, but she does look just like you ...
Are you saying Betty pretended to be me, voted for Michael, and-- Wait. one. fucking. minute. Are you saying Betty pretended to be me and voted Michael off this island?!
Cmc: Actually, I'm trying really hard to not say that.
BETTY! Where the fuck are you?! I'm gonna kick that sorry-ass accent right out of you!
Surgeon: Hey, I thought you were with Betty.
Well, we *were* working on this new posi-, er duet, when Maria burst into the tent, screaming something about Michael, swinging the Wonderwand around. I figure she was missing Michael and wanted a session with Betty and the wand.
Kyle looks and sees that all the cameramen are looking at him like he's insanely stupid.
What?
Emcee: Well, you know the vote for Michael was unanimous, right?
Yeah.
Emcee: And Maria says she didn't vote for him.
Yeah.
Emcee: And Betty looks a lot like Maria.
Yeah.... Oh.
Emcee: It's not like it's that hard to figure out. How many of you people am I going to have to walk through this?
Hey, I've been distracted lately with all that's been happening with Michael. Cut me a little slack.
Surgeon: So you miss Michael?
*sadly* He was my last wrestling partner. It's not like Dad and I can wrestle, I mean, ewww! And while Betty's got the dead thing down, she's just lacks something of a true wrestler, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. And Laurie, I mean, do I even have to explain why I'm not going there?
The cameramen all nod their heads in understanding.
And I can't go one-on-one with Maria. An orgy type situation is ok, but when it's just the two of us, she's too much of my soon-to-be-sister.
Emcee: But didn't you used to fu-, er, wrestle with Max?
Yeah.
Emcee: Well, I thought maybe you might have picked up his ability to love his sister, if you know what I mean.
Huh? But Isabel isn't even here.
Emcee shakes his head.
Surgeon: I think all that sex has fried your brain. Even I understood what he meant.
No, no, I'm just distracted. You see I've got a problem.
Kyle points down at his shorts. The Surgeon points the camera down and we see for the first time that Kyle's shorts have a huge tent effect going.
Surgeon: Um. More than I wanted to see. Why don't you go, um, take care of it?
Well, it's not like I didn't try. When Maria came in screaming about Michael, I got to thinking about him, and.... well, I decided to go to the jello pool and mastur-, uh, meditate. But Laurie's damn monkeys had eaten all the jello again. So I decided to try and find Michael. I figure his boat is still around here somewhere. And you guys probably know where it is.
The cameramen shake their heads in the negative.
Shit! Now what am I supposed to do? Or who...
Kyle looks over the cameramen hungrily. The majority of them shy away. But the emcee just stands there.
*to the Emcee* You look like you've wrestled before. Want to go practice some moves in the backroom?
Emcee: Well, I could use the practice.
Personally, just between you, me, the cameraman, and 50 million viewers, I'll be kind of glad when it's over. I miss Amy. I miss my woodworking shop in the middle of my living room. And if I stay here much longer, I'll miss all of the fall extension courses!
Not that I haven't enjoyed the chance to bond with so many young people. But the bonding material around here has pretty much gone to zip for yours truly, if you get what I'm saying. I mean, Maria is out. So's that clone of hers, Betty. Kyle goes without saying. And stinky monkey girl -- hey, I might be hard up, but I'm not THAT hard up!
I've also really enjoyed the chance to build my little business empire. Remember Isabel and the Space Harlots? (Whatever the hell they called themselves, I usually had something stuffed in my ears when they played, anyway.) Remember Eddie? Got quite a few daily specials off that Eddie ...
Now that there are just a few of us, I thought it was time we went back to simpler, gentler pleasures. Old-fashioned family fun. So tonight, in the Back Room at Natural Causes, we're all going in for a fun game of Pin the Tail on the Wonder Wand.
Looks aside in response to a comment made off-camera.
What? Yeah, I know, but we don't HAVE a donkey. And I ain't planning to have one of those fuckin' monkeys in to stink up the joint! I wish people would start BUYING the little bastards!
Looks back, smiling, at the camera
Yes, folks, that's Pin the Tail on the Wonder Wand tonight at Natural Causes. Oh -- one more thing -- you need to bring your own tail.
wink
Surgeon: You mean the game of Pin the Tail on the WonderWand?
No, I mean the game of Pin the Tail on the Emcee that Kyle was in the middle of when Porno opened up the back room to set up the game. Porno grabbed them by the scruff of their necks--hey, do people have scruffs on their necks?--well, anyway, Porno threw them into the Jell-O pool and told them they had to wrestle in there 'cause tonight is family fun night at the bar, but of course the pool was still empty. It's a good thing the boys didn't dig that thing too deep. I'm still laughing about it, but that's what Kyle gets for moving in on another man of mine.
Hey, do you think the fact that Kyle and I are attracted to all the same people is going to be a problem if our parents get married?
Surgeon: Do you expect to still carry on like this after you go home?
What do you mean? You think I'm doing something wrong here? Hey, listen, buddy, I'm just trying to survive. Isn't that the name of the game? And without Michael, I have to do something with my time.
Surgeon: Well, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but you guys are really pretty cute together, and hell, fucking Peachy is holding me against my will, so ... Michael said he was planning on staying someplace close and waiting for you guys. He might be able to see what's going on.
When did he say he was staying close?
Surgeon: In his final words. It was really kind of sweet. Do you want to see the tape?
Sure. *as Maria watches, it's clear to all but the surgeon that she's about to blow; everyone else runs for the door* Betty. and. Courtney! He thinks he's still gonna be sleeping with dead women after we go home?! Spaceboy, if you can see this, and I'm sure you can, you have got another. thing. coming. The only "Hello again" sex you're getting is from me, and maybe I'll let you wrestle Kyle for old times' sake. But those fucking ghosts are NOT gonna be stabbing me in the back or shedding lizard skin all over that apartment, do you hear me?! Goddamn it, Michael, Betty voted you out of this fucking hellhole! *Maria storms out, leaving a puzzled surgeon to mutter, "Geez, I thought it was a nice speech"*
*A few minutes later, Maria is picked up on the tree cam heading over to the Jell-O pool, where Laurie has set up a camp that strangely resembles Marlon Brando's compound in Apocalypse Now* Hey, Laurie Fossey, how's it going? Do you love the smell of monkey shit in the morning?
Laurie: Maria? Maria! Hey, monkeys, look! It's my best friend Maria! She came all on her own!
Laurie, can I ask you a favor?
Laurie: Of course, Maria, whatever you need.
Can you send the monkeys over to the bar and get the WonderWand from Porno? I really need it back tonight.
Laurie: Okay, Maria. *Laurie snaps her fingers and the monkeys take off* Hey, did you know my aunt and uncle need me to be crazy?
They sure lucked out then, didn't they?
Congratulations to our Final Four: Maria, Kyle, Porno, and Laurie. Yep, Laurie. Hey, don't look at me! I was pretty sure it was in our agreement with the network that those blond guest star types get booted after three episodes, max.
All of the Final Four will be receiving fantastic parting gifts, such as their very own Roswell/Survivor monkey clone to take home with them, as a reminder of the precious time they've spent together. In the meantime, the next Tribal Council will be Thursday, midnight, until Friday, midnight. Immunity in this round goes to Laurie.
Why? Why? My intentions were good. I figured that with Michael out of the way, Maria wouldn't be so upset all the time about him whining over Alex and Kyle. And Kyle wouldn't have to try to get Michael away from Maria if he wasn't here. Besides, with Michael gone, we could've beat the living daylights out of Laurie without worrying about Michael trying to protect her. And we could've fried those damn monkeys of hers. And we'd always have the WonderWand.
So, yes, I admit that I posed as Maria and voted Michael off. I saw her and the Cabaret MC heading over to Natural Causes while Kyle was making more Jell-O.
I did it for you, Maria! I did it for you! And for Kyle, too!
I never meant to hurt anyone. Please forgive me.
But if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. All of it. Well, except maybe for the whole Liz/virginity thing, which was alcohol induced!
Courtney, Liz, Sean, ghost of Eddie, Pierce, Michael...I'm coming! Don't start partying without me!
Maria, Kyle, we'll all be waiting for you.
If I weren't going to a better place, I might be tempted to run of with the Wand. I've had some good times with the Wand but I think that Maria needs you more. Take good care of the Wand for me Maria.
Jim, thanks for letting me borrow your cuffs.
Kyle, that time in the cave was great.
Laurie, you're off your fucking rocker & I can't believe I'm being booted off before your psychotic ass. I hope your monkeys rebel and torture the hell out of you.
Maria, remember the good times, the threesomes, the orgies, the Wand, the tongue baths, not the bad.
Well, I guess this is it.
Oh, I hope you guys don't mind, but I'm gonna use my notes to write a book revealing the nice sordid goings on that didn't make it on the air.
I'm off to the docks. Good-bye!
One more thing, Goddamn Yankees!
Betty walks away, looking dignified, as One Moment In Time plays in the background.
Surgeon: What's wrong with you?
Isn't it obvious?
Surgeon: Uh...
I don't have anyone to have sex with anymore. This is very, very wrong. I mean, I know the others were mad at Betty for pretending to be Maria. But did they have to vote her off? Couldn't they have just taken the Wonderwand away from her for awhile? Or I could have punished her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Surgeon: Uh, that's not really punishment you know.
Kyle looks interested.
Surgeon: *hastily* For her I mean.
Kyle goes back to sulking.
Surgeon: What about the Emcee? He seemed happy to wrestle with you.
Yeah, he was until Dad tossed us into the empty jello pool. He said something about stunts not being in his contract and huffed off.
Kyle sits on the ground and sulks some more. The Surgeon is very uncomfortable with Kyle just sitting there, not talking.
Surgeon: So are you just going to brood all day?
Kyle glares at him.
Surgeon: It's just, isn't that something Max would do? Aren't you usually the one who's having fun and cracking jokes?
Kyle thinks about this and then realizes that, yes, he is being Max-like. This scares him deeply. He jumps up to his feet.
You're right. Just because I don't have any wrestling partners doesn't mean I can't practice. There are some very satisfying positions that only require two hands.
Surgeon: More than I really needed to know.
Kyle ignores him. He's looking around the camp, mumbling to himself.
After a little warm-up wrestling I can think about Michael and mast-, er meditate. Buddha does recommend meditating at least once a day.
Kyle spies the empty jello pool. Nostalgia sweeps over him like a raging orgasm, and he remembers all the good times he had in that pool with Max, Michael, Alex, Sean, and many others, in various groupings.
Hey, surgeon-guy. Help me fill the pool with jello.
Surgeon: Uh, I'm not really -
Help me fill the pool with jello, or I'll have to sit here and sulk all day. Maybe even meditate...
Surgeon: Ok, ok. I'll help you refill the pool.
They walk off, in the sunset, towards Natural Causes.
You know, surgeon-guy, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
And now I'm here with Porno, Kyle, and Laurie! Shit, why the hell did I want to stick around? I'm going to the bar for a drink or 12 and then I'm going back to my tent ... all by myself, again. I did learn how to, um, stand on my own. I'll be fine without a man.
*talking to herself* I wonder if Laurie will remember about the Wand if I give her a demonstration. I just have to get those fuckin' monkeys out of there.
Cabaret emcee: Um, Porno's taking care of the monkeys. Did you see what tonight's special is?
*Maria looks at the sign by the door* Oh shit, Laurie is going to be devastated! I'd better go check on her. She is still Michael's "sister."
Cmc (after Maria leaves): I guess I'm not getting any till I'm out of here.
My fellow Survivorians,
It is a sad day for us here in this constantly morphing location. Sadder than the day we lost Mr. Monkey Fantastico to an attacking Shannon Doherty. More traumatic than when Rath dove off the cliff.
Yes, we lose one of our most beloved members tonight. Kyle Valenti. Son. Friend. Buddhist. Wrestler. Jello Lover. There were so many sides to Kyle, and yet we barely had time to explore any in depth before he is so heinously ripped away from those who love him . . .
Noooo! I refuse to accept this. Don't go, Kyle. Don't leave me with the Monkey Girl, for the love of God!
*Peachy is restrained and led away by Roswell/Survivor security as a test pattern appears on the screen*
Announcer: We are experiencing technical difficulties. They will be resolved momentarily. The next, and last, Tribal Council will be held Sunday night, midnight, to Monday night, midnight.
There will be no immunity for this round.
As you all recall, the final Survivor will be selected from your former tribesmates. The last Tribal Council will last from Monday, midnight, when the Final Two are posted, until the following Monday. During that time, the jury may ask any questions of the Final Two that it wishes.
Hey, who are you? Where�s the Emcee?
CM: Uh, he�s still in the tent with Maria. I�m the only guy they could get to run the camera after what happened to the Surgeon.
Oh. I kind of feel bad about that. We had this great friendship going and then� Well, back to me. At first I was really upset that they voted me off, and I planned my revenge meticulously -
CM: Wait, what do you mean you feel bad about what happened to the Surgeon? What did you do to him?
Well, it�s nothing I did to him, per se. He made his own choice, and karma kicked him in the ass, as Buddha would say.
CM: I don�t think Buddha would say -
Not my point. He made a choice that was, well, wrong. And I would have gotten to that if you would just let me tell my story about my revenge. Anyway, I was angry. I wanted to hurt them. And I thought, what would this island miss most�
Wavy lines indicating a flashback.
Kyle reaches the back of Natural Causes. It�s closed for the night. Porno is in the jello pool jack-, er, thinking about Amy. Laurie has once again dragged Maria to her tent and is holding her captive, telling her stories about her grandpa�s sweater. The Emcee is trying to rescue Maria. Two torches are in holders by the door. Kyle takes one and lights it, giving it to the Surgeon who is standing behind him.
Surgeon: *flipping the light switch* There�s plenty of light. Why do we need torches?
It�s Survivor. You can�t have Survivor without torches.
The two get a little past the backroom, when suddenly the floor changes to a series of grass patches and wooden tiles. Kyle gets on his knees and --- no he�s not having fun with the Surgeon� yet --- touches the second, unlit torch to the grass patches on the floor of Natural Causes. Nothing happens. Then he touches the torch to the wooden square tiles and a flying monkey zooms out and bites off the end of the torch.
At this point the new Camera man interrupts.
CM: Wait, I thought Porno, er, your Dad, served up all the monkeys earlier as a Natural Causes special.
Kyle looks at him blankly.
And your point would be?
CM: Well, if he served up all the monkeys for dinner, why would there be monkeys flying out at you? I mean, you don�t even seem to be surprised to see a character who should be dead suddenly reappearing.
Kyle just looks at him and laughs.
Have you ever actually watched this show before?
As the cameraman mumbles about continuity, Kyle, unphased, continues his story of the great revenge.
Surgeon: It came from that hole.
Kyle nods and remembers that there are many holes in Natural Causes.
You wait here.
Surgeon: I was planning to.
Torch in hand, Kyle begins his careful walk across the floor of Natural Causes. Stepping only on the grass patches, he almost appears to be doing some wrestling positions. He sees something on the floor and kneels to look at it.
A dead bird lies on one of the wooden tiles. Its body is riddled with little monkey bites. This has great significance to Kyle.
Buddha is sad at your loss, little bird. But Dad will be happy to have something to serve for breakfast.
Kyle nudges the bird towards a grass patch with the torch. As soon as it�s safe to pick up, he does. He tosses it towards the kitchen area, trusting his Dad to find it in the morning.
Kyle reaches the bar. The Wonderwand is there; it looks both fierce and beautiful. It rests on a pedestal of polished stone. Kyle looks the whole set-up over very carefully. From his jacket he takes a condom. He begins filling it with copious amounts of KY Jelly, left over from Lonnie�s days in the backroom. He makes the switch! The Wonderwand is now in his hand, the lube filled condom on the pedestal. For a long moment it sits there, then the polished stone beneath the bag drops five inches.
Aw shit!
Kyle spins and starts his wrestling positions back across the floor of Natural Causes at four times the speed. Thankfully he�s up to it from all his wrestling sessions with Michael and Alex.
The Surgeon�s eyes widen in terror. He stands there, frozen with fear.
Natural Causes has begun to rumble and shake in response to the mysterious mechanism. Just as Kyle is reaching the surgeon, an entire case of jello packets falls from their storage place right on top of him. The Surgeon, extremely nervous, faces Kyle whose legs are pinned to the ground by the excessive packets of jello.
Surgeon: No time to argue. Throw me the Wonderwand, and I�ll pull you out.
Kyle hesitates, eyeing the rumbling walls.
Surgeon: You have no choice! Hurry!
Kyle tosses the Surgeon the Wonderwand. The Surgeon stuffs it in the front pocket of his white jacket and gives Kyle a look.
Surgeon: Adios, amigo!
As Kyle struggles to free himself, the Surgeon is rushing past the backroom when Heather Locklear and the ghost of Laurie Too suddenly appear and drag him kicking and screaming into the backroom. As he�s struggling to free himself, the Wonderwand falls out of his pocket. Kyle, free at last, thank god almighty he�s free at last, edges past the backroom. He picks up the Wonderwand and turns to the backroom door.
Adios.
Kyle runs out of Natural Causes, heading towards the dock where Michael, Betty, and the boat await him. The rumbling is very loud and now we see why: right behind Kyle, from the back of Natural Causes, a huge ball of Laurie�s monkey�s, the size of a boulder, comes roaring out, headed straight towards Kyle. It obliterates everything before it, sending the tree branches shooting ahead like missiles. Kyle runs like mad until he sees escape. He dives into the recently refilled jello pool, narrowly avoiding the deadly ball of monkeys.
Porno, still, uh, thinking about Amy sees his son and grabs his hat and decides to wear it on a completely different body part. Kyle, not really wanting to see his Dad like that, swims to the other side of the jello pool and climbs out. He lies on the ground, gasping for air. A shadow falls across him and he looks up.
Looming above him are three figures. Laurie and the Emcee are in full battle paint. Laurie is dressed, but the Emcee is only in a loincloth. But it is the central figure that draws Kyle�s attention. Maria, thin, powerful, her eyes burning with rage.
Maria: Kyle, you chose the wrong girl to fuck with. First you take Michael, then you try to take this. Unless you want me to hand you over to Laurie, her monkeys, and that sweater, you better give it back.
Maria extends her hand. Kyle looks at it, then produces the Wonderwand and hands it to her. Maria extends her other hand, smiling. Kyle hands back Porno�s handcuffs too.
Maria: Now that we have the proper accessories, the Emcee and I can go back to comforting each other over Michael�s loss.
With that, Maria turns dramatically and holds the Wonderwand high for all to see and heads back to the tent, with the Emcee following closely behind.
Laurie: My monkeys and I have a game we want to play with you before you go, Buddha boy. Ever heard of pin the tail on the monkey?
Kyle panics, jumps up and runs away screaming.
Wavy lines and the poor CM still mumbling about continuity and why Porno would be wearing a hat in the jello pool indicate that the flashback has ended.
So I wasn�t able to steal the Wonderwand. But when Maria walked away, I realized that Buddha had planned it this way all along. Dad voted me off, sure. But he probably did it because he knew how much I missed Alex and Michael. And he didn�t want my wrestling to suffer from lack of partners. So I forgive him. And Maria, well I understand why she�s still mad at me.
CM: So you forgive her too?
Well, let�s put it this way. She�s stuck here with a wand and an actor, while I�ll be living it up, and I mean up, at the reject�s resort with Sean, Betty, Alex, and most importantly Michael. That girl is going to be missing a lot of orgies.
CM: Well, it�s time for you to leave now.
Yeah, yeah. I�m heading off to the boat right now. Michael, Betty, and a little surprise I cooked up for them and the remaining islanders awaits.
CM: What are you talking about?
Let�s just say I had a little help from a grief-stricken member of Survivor who wasn�t happy with the way security treated him. I had something I wanted with me, to remember Survivor by. He helped me stow it on the boat. He was of course invited to the huge orgy that�s awaiting me back at the Rejects Resort.
CM: *looking interested* There�s going to be an orgy right when you get there?
It�s supposed to be a surprise. It�s so cute. Michael and Betty planned the whole thing. But I overheard them talking about it. Oh, do you know if that big boulder of monkeys has eaten all the jello in the pool yet?
CM: Yeah, it�s looking pretty empty. Maria and Porno, er, your Dad said something about refilling it.
I should go. I don�t want to keep Michael, Betty, and Just Peachy waiting. See ya!
Kyle, looking quite mischievous, runs off towards the boat. Soon he�s laughing out loud, no longer able to contain his joy. Joy to see Michael and Alex again. Joy that he wasn�t like a certain alien, who always brooded and moped when things weren�t perfect. Joy because he knew his powers (of prank) and used them to have a little fun�
Maria: What the fuck?!?!?
Porno: Kyle!!!
Laurie: Hey, where did all the jello go?
Surgeon: No, he's over at the resort. Kyle's party is still going on.
Shit! I have a question about the rules, and I'm not sure who else would know the answer.
Surgeon: What's the question?
You don't know the rules! What good are you?
Surgeon: Well then, why don't you talk about what's been going on since Kyle left?
Hmm. All right. The Jell-O is all gone, and Laurie's stupid fucking monkeys are flying all over the place looking for food. In fact, you might want to see about getting yourself one of these umbrellas so they don't grab you by the hair and take off.
Surgeon (looking around above him nervously): They wouldn't grab a person, would they?
Hey, have you seen Laurie in the past couple of days? Didn't think so. The monkeys flew away with her yesterday morning, and Porno and I heard screams coming from the empty Jell-O pool for hours.
Surgeon: Did you help her?
What do you mean? Why would she need help? She fucking screams all the time for no reason whatsoever, and they're her damn monkeys. I didn't teach the little fuckers how to fly. Why should I give a shit if they turn on her?
Anyway, I'm outta here. I've only got a little time left to cast my vote, and Porno's really putting the pressure on.
While the fact that I may very well end up as stepfather to a certain hyper-sexed teenager might be a consideration in someone's mind when determining their vote, I certainly wouldn't use that to bring any undue pressure to bear. As I've explained to aforementioned hyper-sexed teenager, I'm actually looking forward to signing up for a couple of fall extension courses. For example, "How to Build a Chastity Belt: Reviving an Old and Honored Tradition for Your Daughter (and Step-Daughter)" really peaked my interest. And if I'm not voted off, I'll be too late to register. Wouldn't that be a darned shame?
So seriously. I'm fine with this, either way it goes.
Besides, if I get to take that course, I need to practice my welding in advance. Wouldn't want to singe anyone in the unmentionable on network television, now would I?
I'm contractually obligated to say that all our players have been great, each deserves to win, yada yada yada. So without further ado, this week's big loser is . . . Laurie DuPree! Assuming she hasn't already been consumed by the monkeys, Laurie will be boarding a boat for the Reject Resort this afternoon, where she will be greeted by, um, well, anyone willing to accept hard cash to pretend they're happy to see her.
The final Tribal Council has now officially begun. All former tribesmembers can ask our Finalists, Maria and Porno Valenti, any questions they would like to make their final determination.
At least, she THINKS she has the WonderWand ...
Walks off-camera whistling, holding the WonderWand lightly in one hand and slapping it against the palm of the other
-------
On to next part - The Questions, Part One