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Back to last part - The Tribe Dwindles
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Everybody, drinks on me at Natural Causes!
CM: Now, did you mean drinks on you as in you're paying for them or drinks on you as in, they others will be--
Both, honey. Both. See, we've all become rather close during the past few months. Engaging in tongue baths, WonderWand sessions, wrestling matches, lotion lathering, playing hide the--nevermind, skinning dipping in the Jell-O pool, stripping at Natural Causes--
CM: Stripping? Skinning dipping? Where was I?
That was when Monkey was still alive & when he replacement was with us.
CM: What about that orgy for Maria?
Now that Nicholas is one the way out, that's gonna be tomorrow night. We can't have it with him around. Can you imagine him trying to sneak in? (shudders)
CM: That's wrong. Very, very wrong. And illegal. And immoral.
Hello? Who on this island isn't immoral in someway or another? Incest, cloning, cannibalism, orgies, sex with robots, underage drinking, barely and rarely clothed teens, incredibly horny people stuck out in the woods hardly classifies as being moral. Idiot.
CM: Does that mean I'm not invited to the orgy?
You'll have to ask Maria. If you being there will make her happy, then yes. If not, you'll just have to make your own fun if you know what I mean and I'm pretty damn sure you do.
CM: Heather promised she wouldn't tell anybody!
(Betty scrunches her face up)
With all the people here and you can't get any. That's sad. Nicholas got more action than you.
(cameraman starts to cry)
CM: It's not my fault! The other kids always made fun of me...
(Betty walks off camera)
Could you people not afford to get a professional cameraman? Or at least somebody without so many emotional problems?
Cameraman: But I thought Betty had an org--I mean a party planned for you tonight.
Yeah, she told me about that. But we're going to wait and reschedule it after we get the WonderWand back. I talked to Porno and he's agreed to give it back if we give him what he wants, so now I'm just waiting for his wish list. I told him I'm off limits (even I couldn't do that to my mom), but I'll hook him up with who--whatever else he wants. And now he's been giving Michael looks all day, so if that's where he's thinking of going I damn well better get that Wand first.
Then Betty, Courtney, and I will have to decide if we're going to share with Ava. She's really been missing the Wand, and she sure could use a session, but she's been such a pain in the ass since we locked Lonnie up. She just sits in the corner in Natural Causes sobbing by the door to the back room. She wouldn't come over to the bar at all, and the only way we could get her to lick her drinks off us was to pour them right there in her booth. And even then she would only go for about a half hour before she started crying again. That girl is just a wreck.
CM: Ava, you are supposed to go outside to do confessional. I had to lug this camera all the way in here. I'm doing you a favor. You owe me for this.
Ava flips him the bird, and takes a long swig from the bottle. A single tear trickles down her cheek.
CM: Fine. OK, What's wrong with you?
Ava stares down, sniffling loudly.
CM: Hello? Anybody in there? Ava, I'm talking to you. Not talkin, huh? Fine. Stupid dupe, I bet Lonnie is happy to be in there, where you can't bug her all the time.
He gets up to walk away, lugging the heavy camera.
Ava looks up, furious. She closes her eyes, tears running down her cheeks. Suddenly, a fireball appears from behind her, and hits the cameraman from behind. He disappears into a flaming mess of skin and bones.
Ava whispers "Lonnie", throws back half the bottle and starts to sob.
From off camera we hear Just Peachy: Shit! There goes another one.
Second -- I'd like some help cleaning this place up! There's orgy oil EVERYWHERE! It's getting into the equipment! It's messing the karaoke machine!
Third -- an all-out search for surviving Monkey Fantastico DNA. There's some out there, I just know it! Little rat-tailed guy was always spewing it all over the place!
Fourth -- fourth involves some honey, Betty, Courtney, Lonnie, Ava, and the afore-mentioned WonderWand. My tent, tonight.
Those are the terms. No further negotiation. You want the wand back, right?
Of course, we had to "officially" declare Shannen's death an accident so Lonnie could be released, but even Aaron Spelling doesn't care what happened to that psycho Charmed bitch, so no harm done there. And Ava is just so happy now that Lonnie's out! Well, we didn't let Lonnie out really; we just let Ava in with her. Those two have been having their seven minutes in heaven for about seven hours now! But they'll be ready for Jim tonight, and Betty and Courtney already agreed to attend the festivities. Just between you and me, they're pretty excited about it. Porno wouldn't come into their tent with Kyle yesterday 'cause he said it was too weird to fool around with his son there, and I guess they missed him.
So now Kyle and Alex are searching the entire ranch, mountains, river, and woods for Monkey spunk, which means they're not going to be around tonight. We just have to get rid of Laurie, then Michael and I will have to whole bar and back room to ourselves. I think I'm going to tell her Shannen and Laurie Too aren't dead; they're stuck at the bottom of the Jell-O pool. That should keep her busy for the night.
CM: He's dead. This job has a shorter life expectancy than a Magic Box owner.
Yeah yeah, I'm not paying you to gripe about your problems. Actually, I'm not paying you at all. Ha!
Anyway, I have exciting news. I was just in the bar with Maria and Michael while they were cleaning out the karaoke machine, and I showed Maria this pinecone I found in the woods. I figured it could be a slightly more painful substitution for the Wand until we get it back. Anyway, Maria was all, "I don't need your pinecone, Laurie!" She hurt my feelings!
But then she told me that she heard news that Shannen and my clone really aren't dead after all--they're in the Jell-O pool recuperating. So, naturally, I went down to find them.
CM: Did you?
No, but I found something even better, see?
Laurie reaches into her pockets and pulls out a handful of baby monkeys.
Look at these! Apparently Mr. Monkey Fantastico had been holding some of his own private camera sessions in the Jell-o pool, if you know what I mean, and I'm quite postitive that you do. Little monkeys! Aren't they cute? I call the big one Bitey.
CM: Have you shown those to Sheriff Valenti yet?
Not yet. I told him I'd give him one if he would be my own personal slave for a day. I've never done it with someone under sixty. It should be quite the uplifting experience.
CM: Tee. "Uplifting."
So then she got all weird and started screaming about the monkeys in her pockets. What the fuck is that? I've heard people talk about having a monkey on your back, but what the hell is monkeys in her pockets supposed to mean? If she wasn't Michael's "sister" I'd just haul off and slap some sense into her. And now this morning she keeps looking in her pocket and talking to her hand. Just when we thought she was showing some signs of normalcy, she turns into a bigger fucking freak than ever.
Who the hell are you?
CM: New camera guy.
I swear, we go through more cameramen than Tori Spelling does boxes of dye.
CM: Are you okay?
Me? I'm just fine. I spent the past day or two in a tent with Courtney and Kyle. Then it was time for some fun with the Sheriff. I'm a bit worn out. I'm so glad he brought his handcuffs with him. Of course, just when things were getting interesting, Laurie comes barging in, going off about monkey babies and stuff. That girl has been spending too much time sniffing that grandpa sweater of hers.
CM: Uh, this is that show where the cameramen keep dying, isn't it?
Yep. You might want to consider going over your will.
CM: I didn't sign on for this! I was supposed to be working on Big Brother 2!
And I was supposed to have a successful career as a reporter but I got killed. Suck it up and deal with it. If you're a good boy, we just might let you join in on some of the festivities we have planned.
CM: Like what?
(Betty winks) You'll see.
Next council is Monday midnight until Tuesday midnight. And the winner of immunity, pulling what could be a Wigglesworth, is Alex.
Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday dear Betty! Happy Birthday to me!
CM: I didn't know today was your birthday.
Yeah, well, not too many people remember when you've been dead for more than fifty years. But Heather here, she made me a cake because she knows what it's like to be older than dirt and still look hot!
Heather: Listen, honey, you're nearly old enough to be my great-grandmother, so watch it. But, yeah, I do look good, don't I.
CM: Yes, Ms. Locklear.
Hey, Heather, do you think you could get your husband and his friends over here? I'd really like to get to know Jon. I mean, I'd really like to get to know him.
Heather: I don't think so. I might be able to get the Rolling Stones.
Eck. What about Aerosmith?
Heather: I'll see what I can do. (she walks off)
CM: So, what are you wearing under that?
My birthday suit, of course.
CM: What's holding it up?
It's wrapped really tight and taped up. We're gonna play pin the tail on the monkey to see who gets to unwrap me.
CM: Huh?
I should get over to Natural Causes and get my birthday spankings before the others start without me. C'mon camera person, you're invited too!
CM: Hell yeah! Screw this! (camera tilts to ground and we see feet running across the woods)
Just hold the damn camera up, Laurie! *Maria's feet are onscreen* Laurie! Hold the camera up so you can see my face! *The camera slowly pulls up to Maria's face; her arms, chest, and face are covered with scratches*
I wanted to shoot this before Michael heals all these cuts. Look what that bitch Lonnie did to me! Like I was gonna let her take that fucking WonderWand! There was no way she was leaving with that baby. That's the only thing keeping all these girls off my Mikey. Well, that and the fact that Kyle's in their way a lot. But still, we need that Wand here!
Anyway, I just wanted everyone to see what those freaking dupes are capable of. Plus, Lonnie didn't even care that she was breaking Ava's heart. What was Ava supposed to do without the WonderWand and Lonnie? Shit, we'd never get her out of that stupid booth. At least this way we can all comfort her.
Oh, and we got a message on a carrier pigeon earlier from Kyle and Alex. They found some Monkey Fantastico DNA, but they're not going to be back with it for a couple of days. Kyle's note said they found a cave they need to investigate. And then Michael muttered something about being replaced by a ghost and went to the Jell-O pool, and he wouldn't even come to the orgy, um, I mean birthday party for Betty.
Well, since Michael isn't gonna be around tonight I think I'm going to spend some time with Ava. Lonnie sure taught her right. Damn, that girl can give one hell of a tongue bath!
Lonnie: I can't believe I got booted. Like, before Courtney, or Laurie, or Betty..
Ava: It's not fair. Don't deese people know you can't break up two people in love. Dat shit's whacked.
Lonnie: Word.
Ava: You won't forget about me will you?
Lonnie: Hell no. I'll be like that Divinyls song, every time I think of you, I'll touch myself.
Ava: But, but, what will you do when we're apart?
Lonnie: Welllll, there's like 1,200 of Lonnie's Bitches dat I gotta sleep with for their support during my stay on the island. Dat should keep me busy for da first week. And don't you go gettin' yo ass booted while on dis island. I want you to go all the way. Win dis bitch and take da rest of'em down.
Ava: Word, Lonnie.
The sounds of the helicopter whirring to life fills the air. Lonnie and Ava look into each other's eyes, filling with tears. A PA walks up to the two.
PA: God, would you two say goodbye already!!
Lonnie waves a hand and the PA goes flying into the helicopter blades
Lonnie: Dude, never come between two people in love. I guess *sniff* this is goodbye.
Ava: Yeah *sniff* I guess so.
The two begin kissing. The camera whip pans to the remaining islanders standing on the side. Soon, joined by cameraman, the sound guy, the medical crew. Porno starts selling snacks
Maria: God, don't those two ever stop?
Laurie: I don't know I think it's kinda sweet. Lonnie even gave grandpa's sweater a sniff before she left.
The crowd begin to tilt their heads in unison.
PA: Whoa, now that's limber!
Sound Guy: Who knew her tongue was that long?
Courtney: I did.
Maria: So did I.
35 minutes later Lonnie and Ava are grappled by several crewmen. The guys pulling the two apart.
Ava: Don't forget me.
Lonnie: I won't! I left you some of my stuff to help you get by. The WonderWand, my french tickler, a cat-o-nine tail, some Benwa Balls, the flavored lube you like so much. Oh, and my Revolting Cocks cd, my leather chaps...
Lonnie is pulled into the helicopter. The door slammed shut as it whisks Lonnie away.
Lonnie: *sniff* We'll always have the sewers of New York.
I'm gonna miss Lonnie and Ava. Those wonderful tongue baths... If it weren't for them, we wouldn't have the WonderWand. Granted, Maria put up one hell of a fight to get it away from Lonnie. And of course, we had to fight Ava for it after the Tribal Council.
CM: Wow, what happened?
Shot of Granolith Chamber and Ava being told she has to leave.
Ava (waving WonderWand): We're comin' Lonnie!
Maria (whispers): Uh-oh, we gotta get the Wand away from her.
Betty: She doesn't really think she's taking the Wand with her does she?
Heather: Ladies, calm down.
Maria: What are you doing here?
Heather: I heard about the WonderWand. We jump her on three.
Laurie: Jump who?
Courtney: Ava wants to take the Wand.
Laurie: Over my dead body! Let's get that Wand!
(Laurie pounces on Ava, knocking her down. The other girls join. Lots of rolling, scratching, pulling, screaming, moaning, some slapping and biting. Finally, the dust settles and Maria, Betty, Laurie, Courtney, & Heather walk away victoriously. Ava lies on the ground, tears falling.)
Ava: First I lost my Lonnie, now I've lost the Wand...
CM: So, what is it with the WonderWand?
Hello! It's the WonderWand, one of the greatest inventions ever! I wish that it was my luxury item instead of that damn hand held tape recorder. Although, after all this is over, I'll be glad I have my notes and I can write a book revealing everything that went on off camera and stuff. And I'll dedicate it to our dearly missed Monkey Fantastico.
CM: That's beautiful.
And fucking Peachy! What an asshole. As soon as Ava got more than one vote, she was in such a rush to get to the reject resort and see Lonnie that she promised Peachy a threesome if he would just get her out of here. That jerkoff jumped in the helicopter with her and he hasn't been back since. Shit, we don't even know for sure that Ava was voted off. I mean, we took a show of hands, but we sure as hell don't trust one another. And she was already gone, so why would anyone say they voted for someone else? But I guess it's a done deal now. We're already voting again.
Anyway, things must have been pretty quiet over here in the hut. Courtney, Betty, Laurie, and I have been pretty busy with the WonderWand and practicing some of those tricks Ava showed us, and Michael and Kyle have been over by the Jell-O pool wrestling since yesterday morning. And I know Alex and Porno haven't been over here 'cause they're working on the baby monkeys. Apparently Mr. Monkey Fantastico was a total slut and there's only one of them that's pure, so Porno has to isolate blah blah genescakes and all. Only Alex understands a fucking word Porno is saying when he starts in on that shit, so he has to help. Well, and he's the only one who doesn't get hurt when the stupid monkeys bite. They're nasty little fuckers.
Now on with the Tribal Council results.
It appears that Alex's lack of a physical body hurt him this week. Certain disgruntled ladies complained that Alex couldn't exactly satisfy them the way that Porno could. So long Alex. Better luck in the next life.
Next Council is Monday night at midnight, to Tuesday midnight. Laurie has immunity.
CM: What the�?
You know, that Jell-O pool is the best thing we made on this island.
CM: Ranch.
Whatever. As I was saying, best thing ever. The Jell-O pool is the greatest thing since, since� lubrication. First, the pool�s great for wrestling. And let me tell you, Michael and I just finished a wrestling session and that man has a mouth on him like a Hoover and a great grip, er, headlock.
CM: You guys have been in there for a long time.
Yeah, well we weren�t really finished, but Maria said something about Courtney and Betty hogging the Wonderwand and then she pulled Michael out of the pool. And let me just say now, I�m so glad that Heather and the girls got the wand from Ava. I can�t imagine what it would be like if it went back to how it was when Dad confiscated the wand.
CM: Oh right. Screw--, er spending time with all of the girls is such a horrible thing.
Well it�s not bad at first of course. But there�s so few of us guys left. And without the wand, we�d all be in demand. So I wouldn�t get any good wrestling sessions with Michael if the Wonderwand was gone.
CM: Michael really seems to be running your life lately.
No way. Michael�s been great.
CM: What about Sean? We haven�t really seen you here since the tribal council where you voted him off for Michael.
I was just upset at the time. Sean and I had been bonding, writing on each other with Jell-O... see, another good point about the Jell-O pool. Great for male, er, bonding, and for relieving, um, grief. But when I talked to Michael about it, he helped me to see how it was really reducing our wrestling time, and that he didn�t think we�d be able to wrestle if I kept hanging out with Sean. He didn�t yell at me or threaten me like Max used to. Max was such a domineering prick. He thought his pecs of steel gave him rule over the whole world.
CM: Well, he is the king of an alien planet.
That�s right - alien planet. Not this one. Just �cause he�s got a great ass doesn�t mean he has to be one. Why is it whenever I talk with you cameramen the conversation keeps turning to Max? Anyway, Michael is nothing like that. He�s so supportive, and he lets me see him, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
CM: Fine, fine, Max is an ass; Michael is a god. Got it. So, where are you off to now?
I�m going to see how Alex and Dad are doing with the monkey babies Laurie found and the monkey spunk we found. Hey, third great thing about the Jell-O pool. First, wrestling; second, male bonding; third, resurrecting Monkey!
CM: Speaking of monkey spunk, you and Alex were gone a really long time. What was in that cave you and Alex found that kept you away for so long?
Kyle gets very quiet suddenly. He looks like he�s about to cry, but whether it�s from joy or sadness we can�t quite tell.
I, I can�t talk about that right now. I�m gonna, I�m gonna go see how Alex - - and, uh, Dad, are doing.
Kyle rushes off.
CM: *shouting after him* You won't find him. They've already taken him for his final words.
Finally Kyle gets CM pinned to the ground.
Where is he? Where's Alex?
CM: *gasping out the words* He. got. voted. off. He's gone.
He hasn't given his final words yet. *desperately* I know he's still around here somewhere. Where is he?
CM: I don't know.
Kyle whispers something in CM's ear. We can't quite hear it, but a few phrases slip through: 'headlock', 'Laurie's sweater', and 'cloning Shannen Doherty'. CM screams.
CM: I swear, I don't know. Only Peachy knows. Please, please don't do those horrible things to me. Go find Peachy. Do them to him. Please.
Kyle releases the CM who runs screaming into the woods. Then Kyle picks up the camera and sets it on the CM's chair. He stares into the camera, a mixture of desperation and malice.
Peachy, I'm coming for you.
Kyle runs off. A minute later he's back and in front of the camera. This time he looks softly, almost lovingly, into the camera.
Alex, you be strong, you survive... You stay alive... or, well, dead, no matter what occurs! I will find you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you. I will find you.
Kyle again runs off.
Hey, who the hell are these guys?
Disembodied Voice of Discovery Channel Exec: Laurie DuPree, meet our new cameramen. Actually, they're just some random people we plucked away from whatever they were doing and brought here. We figured it would behoove us to have a few extras around because of, you know, all the death.
Doctor: Hey, I was in the middle of performing a triple bypass surgury!
Yeah yeah, good for you, Ben Casey. My life is more important. See, I've been trying to make Maria feel better, because she's all upset that Michael has been spending so much time with Kyle. I've been following her around and sometimes even pouncing on her in her sleep to surprise her. She keeps telling me to go away, but I know she's just playing hard-to-get. Hee! She's so coy.
Oh, and by the way, I've been teaching my monkeys to do stuff for me. Watch this.
Laurie holds up one of the monkeys and starts to talk to it.
Hey you. Go get Maria for me.
The monkey scampers out of the tent.
Look at him go! See, they do whatever I tell them to do, because they don't have brains.
Doctor: Actually, monkeys are highly intelligent. They happen to be our closest living animal relative and they--
What the hell is this, the Spanish Exposition? Look, he's coming back!
The monkey returns to the tent, screeching and dragging a very haggard-looking Maria behind him. She is holding the WonderWand in one hand and glares and Laurie.
Maria: What is it now, Laurie?
Look, look, cameraguys, it's my best friend Maria! Hey Maria, do that thing for them you always do. You know, that thing!
Maria: Look, Laurie, I have no idea what you're talking about and I'm not your best friend. We aren't friends at all. The only reason I ever hang out with you is because I'm trying to be charitable and shit, since you're just a pathetic, stupid, lonely, childish dork with no real friends whatsoever except for a bunch of stupid little monkeys who are probably a hell of a lot smarter than you'll ever be.
Maria stomps out of the tent.
That was my best friend Maria!
Great, we lost another one. Just what we need. Like things aren't bad enough with Kyle on the rampage trying to find Alex and Laurie annoying the hell out of us with the monkey babies and Michael crying because Kyle's neglecting him. Do you have any idea how long Maria's been in that tent trying to cheer him up?
Surgeon: Uh, no?
Going on eight hours, then it's my turn. We're doing shifts, along with Courtney.
Do you have any idea what it's like to have been here for who knows how long? And to not have injured Laurie more than once? It's really tough not to just break her in half. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad kid but she's serious lacking in a bad way. I'm thinking that a little electrotherapy might do her good. I wonder if Jim can construct one...
Cmc: I'm an actor. I don't know what happened, but one minute I was onstage and now I'm stuck here.
Well, we're going to have to talk in a minute. Let me just finish up here.
Okay, Courtney and Betty are on Michael duty, so I came over here to tell you all what's going on with Laurie. She's driving me fucking crazy, and I figured I better go on record about what she's doing just in case I lose my temper with her. She's really begging for an ass-whupping, and I don't mean a session with Porno in the back room.
First we had the pine-cone incident, and then she started training those stupid baby monkeys to run errands for her. I mean, those things are just nasty. Now she's convinced that I'm her best friend, and she keeps telling them to bring me to wherever she is. It's unbeliev ... well, you saw it last night. I was in a total groove with the WonderWand and those freaking monkeys grabbed me and dragged me in here. Shit! She knows Michael is all upset about Kyle, and then she interrupts me during my time with the Wand! It's a good thing Courtney and Betty finally mastered that special little trick of Ava's; those two are world-class tongue-bathers now. They calmed me down and, well, to be perfectly honest, they pretty much wore me, and then I had to blow, um, cheer up Michael all night. I didn't have time to go after Laurie. But that bitch is gonna pay if she keeps getting in the way of my satisfaction.
*Maria gestures to the Cabaret emcee, and the two of them go into a corner. Then the emcee leaves for a minute and returns wearing a T-shirt and shorts and carrying a paper bag. Maria kisses him on the cheek, slips him some cash, grabs the bag, and takes off.*
So for all the ladies here in our little tribe, I'm offering free drinks! Free snacks! And the chance to frolic with each other in a therapeutic mud bath, wearing your brand new "I Got Natural at Natural Causes!" t-shirts.
To up the level of excitement, let's just say that at the bottom of all that mud is a little something near and dear to you all! So hop right in, ladies, and find that WonderWand!! (Oh, I threw Laurie's smelly old sweater in there, too. Can't make it any worse than it already is, y'know? That things is riper than sun-baked Limburger! YUCK!!!)
Hope to see you all there!
Anyway *Maria nods to the Cabaret emcee guy* you probably aren't gonna want that costume back after Laurie and those freaky monkey babies are done with it. Right now Laurie's trying to teach those things to fly like the Wicked Witch's flying monkeys. She's totally lost it, but she isn't bugging me anymore so I don't give a shit.
And I think Michael is really starting to feel more like himself too. He wants me to go take a mud bath with him, and this is the first time he's wanted to leave the tent since Kyle left, so I'd better get going.
Maria has immunity next round. And the next round of voting will be Thursday midnight until Friday midnight.
I just keep losing my lovers. First Eddie, then Pierce, then Liz, then Sean (actually, I lost him after the Liz/virginity revelation), and now Courtney. At least I still have Maria, Michael, Jim, and the WonderWand.
Well, at least when Maria's busy with the Wand & Michael and Kyle are wrestling, I'll be able to visit the backroom with Jim.
CM/MC: What about Laurie?
What about her? When she's doing whatever she does with those monkeys, I'll still be able to let Jim handcuff me to the bar while he spanks me.
You know, just thinking about the fact that Courtney's leaving makes me sad. I need a tongue bath and a few hours with the Wand. I'm gonna go see if I can get Kyle to wrestle with me, he has a few free hours while Maria's with Michael and the Wand. As long as Jim's not there & he knows that Michael will be around in a bit, there shouldn't be a problem. Besides, he's still mourning over Alex's departure and I'm pretty sure that he's willing to take comfort from anyone who offers.
We see Alex and Kyle, in their happier days, approaching the cave.
Alex: What the... Look at this.
Kyle: What the hell? It's some sort of cave. Man, the producers must be recycling the sets again.
Alex: Jackpot baby! I remember when we were stuck in that crystal cave. You know, when we were down there, singing, I was thinking about making you sing in a, well, different way.
Kyle turns quickly to Alex, his interest peaked, in more ways than one.
Kyle: Really...
Alex: Well, I have heard the sounds that you and Michael make when you, uh, wrestle. I bet I could top that. I could really make you sing.
Kyle: Buddha does encourage singing. It keeps the body, er, well aligned. We better send a carrier pigeon to everyone so that they don't interrupt our wrestling session.
They dispatch the bird and then Kyle turns to Alex.
Kyle: You coming?
Alex: *smirking* Not yet. You first.
Kyle: *gleefully* Ok.
Alex and Kyle run into the cave to fu--, er wrestle. It's an amazing experience for both. Alex, having only been blo--, er, headlocked before, never knew how fulfilling a complete wrestling session could be. Kyle, having only really, uh, bonded with the living before, never knew the things that could be done when one's body can pass through certain, um, parts of another's body.
Days pass
We see Kyle and Alex holding each other after their most recent wrestling session. And indeed, they are singing.
Alex: In a game that won't let us feel, on a show where nothing seems real, I have found you, I have found you.
Kyle: In a world that's moving too fast, in a world where only orgasms can last, I will hold you, I will hold you.
Alex: Our lives will change when Michael comes
Kyle: Tonight our hearts drown in jello drums
Alex: And we made music, all right, tearing the night� A song, played on our saxophones (and boy can you �play� it), a crazy sound�
Kyle: A horny sound.
Both: Cries that tell us sex goes on and on, played on our saxophones, it's telling me to hold you tight, and wrestle like it's the last night of the world.
Alex: On the other side of the woods, there's a place where life still has worth (the jello pool) I will take you,
Kyle: I'll come with you,
Alex: You won't believe all the things I can do, I know 'cause Michael�s never done them with you.
Both: If we're together, that's when we'll come again�. A song, played on our saxophones, a crazy sound, a horny sound, cries that tell us sex goes on and on, played on our saxophones. It�s telling me to hold you tight, and wrestle like it�s the last night of the world.
Kyle: Michael and Max (and well lots of others) were all I ever knew.
Alex: Michael, you won't need him when I'm through.
Both: Anywhere we may be, and I mean anywhere, I will wrestle with you. So stay with me, and hold me tight, and wrestle like it's the last night of the world.
More wavy lines signal the end of the flashback. We see Kyle, crying, standing at the entrance of the cave. Betty walks up behind him.
Betty: Kyle?
Kyle: I have to find Alex.
Betty: You know Kyle, Alex isn�t the only one who�s dead on this island.
Kyle looks up, intrigued.
Betty: *huskily* I can make you sing too.
Betty drags Kyle into the cave.
And now Betty is off with Kyle so she can't comfort me, and Laurie sent the monkeys to grab the WonderWand and I'm not going anywhere near her so I can't get that back. I don't know what to do with myself.
Cabaret emcee: Um, I could help you, uh, look for Michael.
*Maria stares at him with a hungry look in her eyes and whispers, "Fresh meat"* You would do that for me?
Cmc: Well, sure. Where do you think he would go?
*Maria grabs his hand and pulls him toward the door* Let's start with the back room at Natural Causes.
Surgeon Cameraman: The tribal council was yesterday. Don't you remember? You went over there and voted.
What?! I didn't vote yesterday! What the hell are you talking about? Except for sneaking out a couple of times to see if Michael came back, I've been in the back room with that actor dude since, well, whatever day that was.
SCM: I don't know what to tell you. The council is over, and I know you voted. I taped the votes myself.
You are out of your freakin' mind! I'm sure I'd remember voting! Well, let me go find Michael. I saw Kyle and Betty in the mud bath on my way here and he wasn't with them, and I know he's not at Natural Causes. Are Laurie and the monkey babies still hogging the Jell-O pool?
SCM: Yeah, the monkeys love the Jell-O. Kyle's had to refill it twice since yesterday afternoon.
All right, I'll stay away from there then. I'm going to start looking through the tents. If you see Michael, tell him I'm looking for him.
Hey, he hasn't been around asking about me, has he?
SCM: No, nobody's seen him since the monkeys pulled you out of the mud bath.
Okay. Well, I guess that's for the best. Now I won't have to tell him where I've been. And what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right?
This week, the tribe voted unanimously for . . . Hold on. I can get through this. Deep breaths, Peachy. Alright, I'm good. The tribe voted to kick off -- what the hell were those kids thinking?!? How are we supposed to have a show without him? And to separate him from Maria . . . Fine, fine. They voted off Michael. Are you happy, America. I just want you to know that I had nothing to do with this horrific turn of events. And we here at Roswell/Survivor will not be responsible for the consequences.
So we're down to our last five tribesmen. Is the suspense killing anyone else? No? O.K. then. The next Tribal Council is Tuesday midnight until Wednesday midnight.
And immunity this week goes again to Maria.
Cabaret emcee (who's finally behind the camera): What are you talking about? I told you Peachy was making me work--
I'm not talking about you, you idiot! How the hell did Michael--my Michael--get voted off this whatever-you-want-to-call-it unanimously when I didn't vote!
Surgeon Dude: You did vote, Maria. I saw you mysel--
Shut the fuck up! I did not vote, and even if I did, I would never have voted for Michael!
I looked through this entire place for him, and then when I finally found him, going through all that crap in the file cabinet, he was his old self again. He was so excited to have found some information about himself that he was, well, up and ready for action, if you know what I mean, and I know you do. He and I hooked up with Betty and Kyle, and the four of us have been having a great time. Michael's been as giddy as a schoolgirl because he had Kyle and me to fu, um, hang with.
And now Michael has to leave because people stabbed him in the back! And someone totally screwed me! I'm not sure Michael even believed me when I told him that I didn't vote, and of course I can't tell him where I was. But I know something fucked up is going on here, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it.
I owe that to my boyfriend!
Cabaret emcee: No it wasn't. Maria didn't vote.
Yes she did.
CE: Believe me, no, she didn't. She and I were fu-hiking the day of the tribal council, so she couldn't have voted.
How can that be? I mean, yeah, Maria's been swearing up and down that she didn't vote Michael off but that other amatuer cameraman swears that she did.
CE: Maybe somebody else did.
Well, all the aliens are gone, except Michael, who's on his way out, so there wasn't any mindwarping or shapeshifting.
CE: I hate to point out the obvious...
What?
CE: You do look exactly like Maria--
Excuse me? First off, she looks just like me, I'm older. Secondly, why would I vote in Maria's place? Why would I dress like her & try to talk like her, because, c'mon, really, one of the only ways to tell us apart is my accent. How would I know that she would miss the vote?
I would have had to have done some elaborate planning or just ended up having unbelievably good luck. I haven't had time to plan anything, what with my comforting Kyle & trying to figure out how to get the Wand back from Laurie & those goddamned flying monkeys of hers.
CE: I'm sorry.
You will be when she sends one of those little bastards after you.
Betty stomps off
CE: I want my mommy.
listens as some mindless drone whispers the deal in his ear
Dude, seriously? Well daaaaaamn! sighing I knew all that sex would get to my head and I'd forget to do my islander duty!
grins But you think I'd change a second of it for the world? HELL NO!! Gimme Maria and the Wonderwand and Kyle and that Jell-O pool anyday!
thinking Speaking of Kyle and Maria... Damn, who'm I going to say goodbye to first? Then there's Betty and Courtney... Awww, geez. I'm gonna have to whip up one HELL of an Italian meal for when they all join me off the island someday! Wow, that's going to take a lot of doing! I'll be busy for months trying to get those fucking noodles al dente or whatever the frig the term is. rolling eyes Great. You can bet the "Hello again" sex will be fucking fantastic after that.
mindless drone whispers some more
What? Oh, give me a break. You think I'm going to go far? I'm going to hang around the edge of the island and wait for my sex bunnies to join me!
more whispering
So I'll use a fucking BOAT. Geez, fella, you really ARE mindless, aren't you?
drone shrugs
Whatever. Anyway, I'd better track down Maria and Kyle and all them and tell them about the boat. nodding Later!
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On to next part - We Really Milked This Little Game, Didn't We?