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Back to last part - The Questions, Part Two
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Proving yet again why he is the leader of millions, Max made his decision by flipping a coin.
Lonnie explained her vote in a confessional taped at the Reject Resort:
Boy, this is, like, hard. On the one hand, there's Maria. I think us girl's should stick together, and, she like embodies the motto of the WonderWand, you know, 'sistahs are doin' it to themselves'.
On the other hand, there's Porno. And he's got age and experience. I mean, when old people say they're more 'experienced' I thought that was just something old people said to make themselves feel better. He, like, knows this book called the 'Comma Suture'. So, when he said to 'try the deer', I thought he was talking about some new recipe at Natural Selections. I guess that's why Kyle's so limber, it's in the genes.
So, it all came down to my final question. And, Maria, this is Roswell /Survivor, not let's Be Honest and Say What We're Really Thinking. When someone asks if you want to have sex with them, you always SAY YES!! Yeah, I know Michael's boobs are bigger than mine, but, c'mon! Girlfriend, you've been sucking up to everyone on this damn island for four months, one more damn day wouldn't have killed you.
Ava had a different take on it:
After much deliberation, aw, who am I kidding, dis resort is so freakin cool, dat I ain't thought about that crappy island/ranch/woods since I left. So I guess I gotta choose. Well I'm still bitter dat Porno locked Lonnie in da back room for so long. It was torture, I almost didn't make it. So I'm choosin' Maria, I like dat girl. She's spunky.
Kato had, as usual, his own warped logic, understandable to no one but himself:
Despite being inundated with work for the upcoming season, I am here to pass along my vote for the true Roswell Survivor. And despite this person making several cracks about my genitals (Worm in a Brillo pad? More like a cobra in the grass, methinks!), to show there are no hard feelings, I vote for Porno as the hands-down winner. 'Cos frankly, he not only survives by the skin of his teeth in the outdoors, but he struggles all season long under the weight of my oppressive pen. And for that, he deserves to win.
Kyle is going to have a rough time at home when his dad gets off the island:
This is a very hard decision to make. I mean, they're both practically family. And they both answered my question very well. But I think Maria pushed ahead with the wrestling question. I'm just not sure that Dad has the respect for wrestling that it deserves. I mean, did you see his post about wanting me to go on a normal date instead of wrestling (with Michael)? *shakes head* Where does he get his priorities from anyway?
Sadly for our viewing audience, the Discovery Channel doesn't quite have the budget to do our traditional ending montage of Roswell/Survivor's Greatest Moments. And who are we kidding? There were no great moments. So that's it for us this year. The last helicoptor is taking off in 5 minutes, and anyone not on it is going to be stuck in this hellhole, so I've got to run0. *Shouts offscreen* For god's sake, leave the lubricant behind! We can get more on the mainland. Get back, get back, that helicoptor is mine, damn you!
*Camera pans back to reveal frantic rushing around, screaming, people climbing over each other in an attempt to swarm the last remaining helicoptor, as guards fire shots in the air to keep the desperate production staff at bay*
FIN
Hey, Porno, congrats! You were a most worthy opponent, and I've decided to follow Tina's example: I ordered a motorcycle for you. Have you seen the new Harley-Davidson V-Rod? That bike is sweet!
But wait! A lean, sun-bronzed figure steps through the doorway, fetchingly clad in shorts and Hawaiian shirt, holding a Mai Tai. Could it be ... "Porno"?
Hi, folks! Jim "Porno" Valenti here, welcoming you to the new ultimate getaway resort (and cheezy Discovery Channel spin-off), "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island"!!
Yes, here it is -- the only place on earth to indulge your "Roswell/Survivor" fantasies. My team of highly trained, professional flying monkeys (hey, we only ate the rejects) have been working day and night to bring you the supreme "Roswell/Survivor" experience!
We have it all! From the world's largest Jello Pool (Cut away to muzzled and whimpering monkeys topping off the jello in a tank the size of the Shedd Oceanarium) to the Max Evans Memorial Park and Workout Gym (cut away to park featuring flowers, assorted exercise apparati, and a huge statue of Max, pecs brilliantly displayed. Smaller figures are grouped around his feet, all looking up adoringly. These include Liz, Tess, Isabel, and Kyle.), we truly have it all.
I and my wonderful staff of co-hosts are always ready to do anything within our power to enhance the pleasure of your stay. Hey, you guys, come on out and say "hi!" to the folks!
Amy, Kyle, and Maria emerge from Natural Causes. Amy looks happy, Kyle and Maria do not.
Maria: I can't believe you're doing this! I mean, how lame IS this? And why the hell can't Michael be on the staff, too?
Kyle: I'm considering patricide, but Buddha really frowns on that sort of thing.
Jim: Just smile at the camera, kids! It was this or "Swiss Family Valenti". Which, incidentally, featured "clean, wholesome family values" -- in other words, NO sex.
Everyone turns gigantic grins to the camera and starts waving furiously.
Amy: Be sure to join us here next week for the premiere of "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island"!!!
Cameraman: Don't you have to get back to Natural Causes with your family?
Hell no. That's Betty. And it's a good thing she was willing to go too, 'cause otherwise wrestling alone would be the only option for poor Kyle. And those two are so cute together. No, I'll let them have some fun hanging with the 'rents; Michael and I are leaving on a road trip this afternoon. I already grabbed all the leftover condoms, and I have the WonderWand! Later!
In the background, a large group of flying monkeys come wheeling across the horizon. They carry suspended a struggling figure screaming obscenities.
However, we're happy to inform our many fans that this unfortunate contract dispute has been resolved. Please welcome that most popular of all "Roswell/Survivors", Maria "Jailbait" DeLuca, as she joins the cast of "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island"!
And, not to disappoint the many fans of Betty, she'll be staying right here, attending to the fantasies of all those sic -- er, imaginative folks who fancy three-ways with identical twins. Isn't that GREAT?
For a few moments, all is silent. Then, a young woman's gutteral moan rents the air. Followed immediately by sirens, flashing lights, and a single floodlight focused on the location of the tent. The tent itself flies upward, leaving the interior mercilessly exposed to the floodlight's glare.
CAMERAMAN: Get that steadycam over here! Move in for a closeup!
Voiceover by Jim "Porno" Valenti: Welcome to another exciting, disorienting, totally pointless promo for "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island"!
However, we are happy to report that Michael has finally gotten over himself and decided that he can't afford the legal fees to get out of -- er, can't pass up the artistic challenge of continuing his exciting role on "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island".
Oh, that's Michael on the bottom.
Be sure to tune in for the exciting fall premiere of "Roswell/Survivor Fantasy Island"!!
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