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Back to last part - Round Five and Six
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Guess how often each of the following will happen in "Off the Menu."
a) Isabel says "God"
b) Max says "Liz"
c) Michael says "hell"
d) Kyle says "Evans"
e) Tess says "destiny"
For each of these subparts, the team that is the closest gets a point. If there is a tie, both teams get a point. The highest score is therefore a 5. The team with the highest score wins.
In the event of a tie, the winner will be determined by adding up the answers given in response to each subpart, and comparing the total number with the correct total (ie, if a Tribe gives as their answer 4, 2, 7, 8, 0, their total is 21. This total will be compared with the total of the correct answers).
A representative from each tribe should submit the answer by 9 pm EST.
Did you hear about Liz?
MF: The whole virginity thing?
Yeah. Can you believe she kidnapped that crazy girl from the other tribe?
MF: Not really.
We all thought that the robot was gonna do something to her.
MF: That's a scary thought.
Isn't it? Well, Sean and I are still, you know. And Pierce and I are well... He really likes that tazer.
Anyway, I gotta go. My shift at Natural Causes starts soon.
MF: You work at Natural Causes?
Yeah, I'm a waitress & a stripper. Bye!
And Rath is following me around like a sick puppy. I mean, he cleaned up a bit so he doesn't smell so bad, but he's started talking with this weird Cockney accent. It's really strange. And I don't know what to do about him, 'cause Michael is getting pissed that he hangs around me all the time. You'd think Michael wouldn't mind so much since he's been really busy wrestling with Kyle for the past couple of days, but he's pretty angry.... Oh shit, Rath is going after Laurie in a Box again. *yelling to someone and running off screen* Get off her, you freak! Damn it, Michael, Kyle, get over here! We need your help!
Well, the good news is that the ointment seems to be working. Look!
*Unwraps sweater from around face and proceeds to remove rest of clothing*
Cameraman: *turns away in horror* OH, GOD!
I know! That's the same thing I said! Isn't it great? I can already see the outlines of my new skin layers forming! But, the thing is...Rath hasn't tried to jump me once. I don't get it. He used to consider my shedding a turn-on. Where did I go wrong? Have I completely lost it? Am I not desireable like this?
Cameraman: Well, um...it really, um...depends on how you...*peaks through his fingers* Well, I guess it's an improvement.
Oh, come on, I'm still dead sexy, right? You'd do me, wouldn't you?
*tries to flip her hair and strike a sexy pose, but sends several skin layers flying in the process*
Cameraman: *gulp* Um...I...I'm really not the one to...
Oh, you know you want me. I've still got it. *grows more excited* Yes, I can see it in the way you keep trying to avoid looking at me. I'm too sexy for my own good! Keep pretending you don't think I'm hot...it's...such a turn-on! Oh, to think that my sexuality is returning so quickly...and in a few days I'll be back to my old self...! *sigh* Thanks, I really needed that.
*gathers up clothes and skips off*
Cameraman: She said a few more days, right? Please, God, tell me she said only a few more days?
O.K., see -- the last time you were here, there wasn't a lot going on. Isabel was still taking it from pretty much every guy in the camp...
[writes H-O-B-A-G on the board]
as was Max,
[writes M-A-N-H-U-M-P-E-R on the board]
not that there's anything wrong with that. Alex, however, has been forced to...um, take matters into his own hands
[writes H-A-I-R-Y-P-A-L-M-S on the board, accompanied by an inappropriate gesture and wink at the camera]
But you haven't heard much about the sexual proclivities of the rest of our tribe. Sean's preoccupation with his dirty hole. Grant's desire to give himself tongue baths. And Betty's a bit of a frotterist.
[writes S-C-A-R-Y-F-U-C-K-S on the board]
Still, we manage to do all right. We're wondering how we're going to do in the merge. Of course we hope we can go in with the advantage of more players, so we can beat the other team into submission...
[writes B-I-T-C-H-E-S-!-!-! on the board]
and take this thing home. Speaking of home, I realize that a lot of you girls at home who are watching have been spending your allowance sending dental dams and penicillin to the island. We appreciate that. But there's something else you should be doing.
[writes H-O-M-E-W-O-R-K on the board]
What? Don't follow? I'd bet not...
[erases that last bit, and writes H-O-M-W-E-R-K on the board]
Got that? Good. I also realize that some of you may not have homework anymore. You probably spend your time making Roswell-Survivor frescoes out of Skittles instead of parenting your children. Or perhaps you've decided to sacrifice the Dean's List this semester by spending your time writing fan-fic.
[writes G-E-T-A-L-I-F-E on the board]
You are the missing link. Goodbye!
Here's Granolust's answers to the Challenge:
Yo Peachy!
a) Isabel says "God" - 1
b) Max says "Liz" - 3
c) Michael says "hell" - 1
d) Kyle says "Evans" - 0
e) Tess says "destiny" - 0
The RdR Response:
a) Isabel -- 2
b) Max -- 8
c) Michael -- 1
Kyle -- 1
Tess -- 0
Well fings are quite not so bad sir. The wind is quite luvly and the skies are so clear that one might tink that they could spot forever just by standin' on the edge of the beach. (Rath rubs his chest) It's days like these I long for. It's a good 'ay to plan me new music video, "I'm A Roswell/Survivor!"
[Captioning: Uh, nothin' much bitch! Dang, it look' nice out here (Rath rubs his chest.) How-evah, it's so damn nippy outside my nipples could cut glass. What the fuck is up with you punk ass camera-totin' fool! Shit, you interrupted my creative processes whiles I plans out my newest vid-yo, "I'm A Roswell/Survivor!"]
Cameraman: What?
Yer camera blokes are truly a silly lot. I don't know 'ow I ever landed meself in this situation. Peraps it were me upbringing in the school of 'ard-knocks -- wich I will refer ter as, right, for posterity, New York City. The bleedin' uvver children would run 'round wiv their parents, right, play in the chuffin' streets and 'ave wild passionate sex in alleyways wiv cheap 'ookers but no, not Raff.
[Captioning: Yens camera-bitches are crazy as hell! I don' know how I landed my ass on this damn iz-land. May-bees it waz cauz I was raised up in da' school o' hard knockers or some shit. You know, some-where up in Nu-York. I mean, when all of dem other bums was runnin' around pimpin' hoes 'n shit I couldn't get anyone to put out except for Lonnie 'n Zan. Shit, we had some nice times. Don't dey call dat da' menos-y-twas or some shit? Just da' three of us.]
Cameraman: What?
Raff would spend 'is night alone, right, 'ave a lookin' out over the horizon. I so luvd ter 'ave a look at the bloody smoke stacks as the large black masses tumbled from tubings embedded in the buildings wich polluted me concrete jungle. Oh 'ow I miss that concrete jungle of mine. I wonder wot me ole chinas hammer and tack home are up to. I don't fink I've ever taken the time ter say'allo ter ffem 'aven't I?
[Captioning: I spent a lot of time in abandoned buildings 'n shit nursin' my chronic masterbation problem. I miss that piece-o-shit city. Dang, now dat' I think of it I miss Zan too, wonder what happened to his ass, and the rest of him. New York ain't nothin' like dis place. Oh, yeah! I wanna give a shout-out to my boys Bee-Bop, Rockstead, Chuka-Booyah, Quanta-Hasami, RocoDendron and Big Ronshika! You know time it is fools!]
Cameraman: Rath, when are you going to quit the Spike act?
Why wotever could yer be speakin' of Guvnor Camera Man?
[Captioning: What the fuck you talkin' about Willis!]
Cameraman: At first it was mildly amusing but you're starting to frighten the cast and the crew as well. Hell, Mr. Monkey Fantastico has been in a slump since your change. We're having such a hard time gettin' him to talk.
Well we all change at one time or anuvver don't we, then? I fink the bleedin' important fin' ter do is ter keep yor chin up and go about life as yer've seen fit ter create it for yorself. Take the chuffin' blokes on this island for instance . . Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna, init? 'ave a look at them. I mean, right, I'm sure they truly do mean well in the finks that they do ter ffemselves and one anuvver but in the end, right, woss the point, isit? Why do they continue ter hurt themselves?
[Captioning: You know, bitches change 'n shit ovah' time. I think its "impotent" to keep your head up 'n shit like Big. Word up to Big -- by the way. These fools don't know jack shit. I been tryin' to school them in correct manna's and dey don't even listen. I mean, come on. Why argue wit me when I'm always right?]
Cameraman: What?
Michael is constantly cheatin' on Maria wiv that Kyle, init? O'course neever will admit it but I know it's gahn on. I fink I'm startin' ter frighten the chuffin' poor girl. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? It's so sad ain't it, eh, luv? I've been tryin' ter be as 'elpful as possible ter Courtney but the truff is that Lonnie and Ava are 'avin' an 'arder time acceptin' the new me. I'll get out me spoons. I'm bloody well callin' the new me Raff, right, 2.0!
Insert shot of Lonnie, back to the camera, ripping her shirt open and revealing her chest to Rath. Rath, approaches her, reaches out, and closes her shirt for her. Insert, shot of Rath as he rubs lotion on Courtney's back. Insert shot of Ava as she lays with her head against the edge of a river as Rath gently massages it with shampoo. Insert shot of Kyle as Rath patiently rubs his feet with a big goofy grin.
[Captioning: Mike been bonin' Maria and you know he been slippin' Kyle a lil-somethin'-somethin' along da way. I ain't gotta' say, you know the score! I think I'm buggin' her out. Nothin' I do works for that chick. Dat's some sad shit, ain't it? I been tryin' to help Courtney's skin-peelin' ass but Lonnie and Ava are posin' problems to my ascention from the old me to da' new me. I like to call it, Rath 2.0!]
Rath removes his luxery item, the deodorant and sprays under his arm pitts.
I used this on Laurie this morning, the fellows tried to pull me away from her! Don't they see I was just tryin' to help her. The poor girl and her sweater are attracting flies!
[Captioning: Laurie smelled like foot 'n ass. Tried to dowse her stuff but dem' boys wouldn' let me. Her and dat' rag are buggin'. Sometimes I think she be usin' dat' rag for a lot more den' he be lettin' on.]
Cameraman: What the fuck is that shit? Rath! What happened to you in those woods! You're scaring me . . .
Oh come now! There is no need for such fowl 'am sandwich! Honest guv! I 'ave virgin ears yer know! Right! Yor upsettin' me! Honest guv! I fink I'm bloody well gonna go now. 'ave a luvly day and do wotch yorself on the way out! Oi!
[Captioning: I can't stand your creepy ass voice tryin' to get all, "Have you ever soon a grown man naked?" on me! What's up with dat stuff! Get the fuck outta' my face for you catch a beatdown, punk!]
Cameraman: Yes, so I heard.
It was so scary! You don't even want to know what that girl does at night!
Cameraman: No, I don't think I do...
She's got this book, okay? And she pulled me out into the woods with her and I had to watch her do stuff with that book. You know, stuff. Stuff! And she was talking to it too. She was all, "Dear Journal, I'm Liz Parker, and tonight I've got a hankerin' for some spankerin'!" And she did stff with that book, okay? I mean, I know the magazines and the movies they show you in school say it's healthy and normal and all, but there was nothing healthy and normal 'bout that shit!
Cameraman: Uh, what did you say?
There was nothing healthy and normal 'bout that shit!
Cameraman: I heard you. You're starting to talk a little bit different...
I am? Hmm. Maybe it's the air or something. But I'm not the only one who's talking "different," yo. You know that Rath guy? He's got a British accent or something now!
Cameraman: Interesting.
I know! And that's not the only thing weird about him! Today he grabbed me and started spraying this stuff all over me! And Michael tried to pull him off me, but Rath was all, "It's all for 'er sake, friend! Things are startin' to die 'round 'er!"
But I'm just glad that I'm free from Liz. Now I have a lot of time to spend in the Jello pool. Sometimes the sheriff's son comes in there with me. It's fun! giggles and staggers around
Cameraman: Um, I think maybe you should lie down a bit.
Okay! You know, you're cute! I'd like to make you a main character in my journal, if you know what I mean, and I think you do!
Cameraman: Um, Michael! Could you come in here?
Laurie passes out
Mr. MF: *screams and looks away*
Told you, cameraboy! This island shit ain't good for the husk!
Lonnie:
Nicholas
'Cuz there's nothing worse than getting hit on by a 14 year old with severely peeling skin. Well, compared to a 40-something executive producer with wrinkly skin and a ponytail.
Kyle:
Amy
Michael:
Amy. Dude, now that the FBI chicks aren't around to harass her anymore, she is SERIOUSLY interfering with my Maria time.
Courtney:
Amy. I love ya, but I can't play nearly as much as I want to with grown ups around. Besides, that blow-up doll looks way too much like my aunt Phaglidis for comfort.
Maria:
I can't believe we have to vote someone off again, but I think it's time for Mom to hit the road. Then I won't have to worry about her seeing me when I go get more condoms.
Rath Tribal Vote
Me vote is for Amy because I can't recall 'avin' spoken ter her more than once on this island. Plus, she shoved Jello dahn me kegs once.
The tribe has spoken. Amy will be joining us at the Resort as soon as she gives her final words.
The challenge for this round is a scavenger hunt. Each team will be assigned five Roswell-related "items." For each one found, your tribe gets a point. The team that finds the most items is declared the winner.
Each team is only responsible for finding the five items assigned to their team. Finding items from the other team's list will not earn you any points.
You have 48 hours to complete this challenge. Good luck, competitors!
Rancho de Raunchy
Item #1:
It is not known to all, but the real Destiny book translation states that Max is infact destined to be with Micheal. Find the picture that captured the moment beautifully when Max & Micheal learned the real truth. They'll appear smiling with Michael sweetly standing behind his man while lovingly caressing his stomach. If you need a hint: think leather pants meets vinyl jacket.
Item #2:
There's nothing as dreamy as Max and Liz poetry . . . especially when it's of the My-Secret-Diary variety. Find the site that features this poem:
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
If you're there Liz,
Please answer me this:
Do you love me or do you not?
You told me once but I forgot.
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say I'm here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
~Max
Item #3:
For this couple nothing gets between them and their Calvins. Locate this black & white picture where Maria appears standing with her main man Michael (although I heard that Michael is destined to be with Max or some shit like that). They'll both appear shirtless with Maria caressing Michael's chest. I'm pretty sure Calvin Klein is gonna sue.
Item #4:
Because I suffered the tenth depth of hell locating this piece of NC-17 shit, so shall you. Find the smutty Max and Liz fanfic titled 'Orgasmic Sexcapades'.
Item #5:
The only way you're going to be able to find this item is if you were able to locate above said fanfic. Because for the Rancho de Raunchies, it's nothing but the down and dirty, give me the link for the part of the story where Max takes Liz into the backroom of the Crashdown and proceeds to spank her bare ass.
All items above will only be declared as found if the correct url is provided
The Granolust Tribe
Item #1:
If they haven't given it a weird acronym, then it's not part of Roswell fandom. Give the correct url for the B.A.S.S.T. campaign site.
Item #2:
Now I know there are two things I love to do on a lovely spring afternoon. Bash Tess and go hunting! Well, now Roswell fans can do both, by shooting that evil mindwarping Hussy over and over again from the comfort of their own homes. Give the url for the Tess Shooting Game.
Item #3:
Sigh. Sometimes, you read a fanfic story and think to yourself -- now THIS is exactly how the show should be. They've just nailed the characters perfectly in this one! Such as in this passage from the fanfic 'Initiation':
Max shook his head. He knew how Michael felt; he wanted to fuck Alex too but telling him Isabel and Maria had slept together was probably not a good idea.
THAT is May sweeps material. Give the last line of this story.
Item #4:
Every Roswell viewer has waited in suspense for that Dream Couple wedding. Well, some intrepid fan couldn't behr the suspense, and made this lovely fanart of the happy couple on their wedding day. Give us the url for the picture of Max in a wedding dress standing with Kyle in a cowboy hat.
Item #5:
Haven't you ever watched an episode of Roswell and wanted to know what a character was really thinking? Well, so what if you didn't. This Liz POV from "End of the World" gives us a lot of insight into what Liz could be like if only she were played by an actress who could . . . well, if she were portrayed by an actress.
Why won't he leave me alone? I've told him time and time again that I don't want to be with him. What's the friggin' problem? I don't think I could have been more clear. What does he want me to do? Tattoo Move-On-To-Greener-Pastures-Max on my butt? Why is he at the bottom of my balcony? AGAIN? This has to stop.
Max grins at me and pulls a bouquet of red roses out from behind his back. He throws them up to me, changing them from red to white. Okay, now he's blatantly disregarding the rules about not using alien powers in front of people. What if one of the guitar players had seen him? They haven't, right? Maybe I'll ask Isabel to check that out.
Give the url where this story can be found.
Mr. Monkey Fantastico! Get yo' ass up!! I gotta talkin' to do!! Get up, you hairy beast!
Cameraman: *bleary eyed* What the fuck do you want, you dick? *opens eyes* What the hell is all over you?
*Max twirls around for the camera, completely covered in stickers*
Like 'em? Tess and Izzie made them for me. They match so nicely with my purple loincloth.
Cameraman: What does that one say?
"Fuck me I'm a King." This one says "Rub my crown or go on down." You gotta love those girls. *giggles*
Cameraman: Man, you are completely fucked up.
Ah yes. I spent the last few hours at Natural Causes getting completely shit-faced. At some point I lost my loincloth. I think it happened when I fell off the mechanical bull. So the girls made me these fashionable stickers. Later I found my rag behind the bar. I think Porno was using it to dry glasses because it was all wet. Weeee! *twirls some more. stumbles, falls, passes out*
Cameraman: Oh for the love of God! Fuck it. Leave him there, I'm going back to bed. Fucker. Waking me up for that...
MF: No, she hasn't made her final statement yet.
I'm wondering if she's pissed at me for voting for her ... and for, you know, getting some of the others to vote for her too. Well, I guess once she sees the show it doesn't really matter. She's gonna be pretty upset about me and Michael anyway. But Michael has his own apartment, so even if Mom's upset, I can always hang out over there.
Well, Courtney's husk has healed so we're going over to the Jell-O pool to ... relax. See ya later.
Monkey Fantastico: what's wrong with you?
Yo, I think Lonnie hates me. sniffle
Monkey Fantastico: Why don't you tell Mr. Monkey all about it, honey.
Okay, so da other day, me and Lonnie go up to da waterfall. And things is goin' great, I give her a tongue bath and she helps me with my lotion, just like always. And I'm like, "Yo, Lonnie, we keeps losing this immunity shit, we got to come up wit a strategy, so we can win dis thing together." She didn't say nothin, which ain't like Lonnie at all. So I gots all worried. So I says "What, ain't I your bitch no more? I thought we was tight. Your gonna vote me off ain't ya?" But she didn't wanna say nothing. She just kept lookin at me all funny like. Then after forever she says, "I don't know what's gonna happen, but here take dis pen. Take dis pen and write to me from the resort- in case you don't make it" Then she ran away.
slo-mo shot of Lonnie running down beach
I was so wrecked, I didn know what to do, so I just walked around da Rancho lookin at all the places tha me and Lonnie, um, visited, if ya know what I mean, and I think ya do.
shots of Ava, wondering around in the rain, looking like a wet, tatooed, lost puppy
I thought maybe dat chillin with da guys help me take my mind off Lonnie. I seen Rath, Michael, Brody, Kyle, and Nicky, hanging on a stump, eating pork rinds and drinking beers.
shot of the guys sitting on a log, under a wooden sign reading Gas'N Sip(a sign fashioned by Rath to remind him of all the joys of home)
They had lots of advice, tellin me that its all about economics- that Lonnie was jus usin me for my infamous tongue skills-that I should go rub some lotion on Maria, stuff like dat. But I didn't wanna. I wanna be Lonnie's bitch again....
Stands up- holding homemade turntables and microphone over her head. Sounds emeinate from the box. Boom, chick, b-boom, boom, chick, in, boom, in your, chick, chicka, in yyou e-e-eye-eyeys, boom, chica, eyeyes, boom, chicks, b-boom......
Mr. MF: Aaaaah!
What?
Mr. MF: Your face! It's horrid!
Yeah, well, Ava stole my sunglasses again. *gets hit in the head with a towel* What's that for?
Mr. MF: Put that over your face NOW, half-pint! We just got Courtney fixed up and now it's you!
*wraps towel around head* But that's the other part of the problem. Courtney stole all of the moisturizer! I tried to get Lonnie to help me steal it back, but all she does is run away screaming and then cast a vote against me! I swear, a 14 year-old can't win.
*eyes wander offscreen* Ava! Sunglasses! Now, dammit!
So, we gave you 48 hours. We anticipated that a couple would be easy, one or two would take some work, and at least one would be a total stumper. Both teams managed to find all their items in a matter of hours. How on earth did you recognize that poem? That fanfic? How?!? I think we're getting to that disturbing portion of our game, when everyone's true self begins to emerge. And it's not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Our deepest apologies go out to the Granolust team. The question should have specified that it was an ANTI-B.A.S.S.T. site. Those hours spent trolling around in search of a PRO - Brothers and Sisters Sleeeping Together campaign can never be reclaimed.
On the other hand, some might say you got off easy. Did you know that "Orgasmic Sexcapades" has SIXTEEN chapters? And searching through prose like:
Max groaned and nodded his head. "I know what you mean. Your like a drug...A very addicting drug that I cant get rid of and nor do I want too." Liz smiled. "Same here. If I dont get my Max fix I just go crazy with need." She proved her point when she sqeezed his ass cheeks.
for a scene where Max spanks Liz is a trauma from which the Raunchy team will not easily recover. As always, Roswell Survivor will pay any medical expenses for psychological treatment required by participation in this game.
So here's your tie breaker. From the brilliant mind of Slippy:
Each team is going to write the first part to a fanfic. The limit is 750 words, although it can be shorter. You have until 10 pm EST tomorrow to finish and submit it. We're going to post both team's fanfics on a fanfiction board. The team whose fanfic gets the most traffic in a 12 hour period wins the immunity. So that means you have to write a fic that will appeal to the average Roswell fanfic reader. Aim low, people. Aim low.
Camera follows Lonnie, carrying a large bottle of rum, as stumbles drunkenly into camp, then slumps down next to a tree.
Cameraman: Jesus Christ on a crutch, you look like Hell!! So it's true, you and Ava split up?
God no, I ain't lettin' dat bitch go. If she ever gave you a tongue bath, you'd know what I was talkin' about.
It's dat Just Peachy guy. I swear, I'm gonna kill him. So, we gets another challenge right. And I gotta go search for some shit called "Orgasmic Sexcapades". Only, like, noone told me dat was some shit about Max and Liz. *shudders* Oh da horror! Yo, it's got 16 chapters!! With Max giving Liz a spanking!! Dat shit ain't natural. Takes a long swig from her bottle First came the blindness but dat was only temporary.
So, I figured maybe a little sumpin', sumpin' with Ava would help. Only I couldn't make like Marvin Gaye and get it on. Everytime she'd make a pass over my body with her tongue, I'd get flashes of Max and Liz and...AAHHHHHHHH!! Takes another swig *shudder*
Good thing a couple days ago I fingered Duff...den I stole da bitches rum. I'm tryin' ta kill as many of dese Max/Liz brain cells as quickly as possible. Den, I'm gonna go make up wit Ava. See, I even got a little something special to wear for her.
Pulls out some lingerie from her back pocket.
Cameraman: Uh, that's nice, when're you gonna buy the rest of it.
Yo, dis is it! I'm gonna wear dis. Have a nice dinner. None of dat rice frittata shit, like maybe some Ho-Ho's and Taco Bell. Den play some of her favorite songs - Lips and Hips, Smack My Bitch Up, Bitch Better Have My Money. Yea, I'm gonna make it up to her real good. Just gotta get Max and Liz...the back of the bus...AAAHHH!!!
Oh, life is good. Life is soooo GOOD! Look at me? Do you see that? No skin falling! I'm smooth, smooooth all over! Want proof? Go ahead, feel me. Just feel me.
*lifts up shirt*
Cameraman: *quickly runs hand across her stomach* Wow, it feels so real...
Doesn't it? I'm back, baby! And everyone's been so supportive. Except Nicholas. What's up his butt? He's been looking kinda dry lately...oh, who cares, I'M BACK!
*completely removes shirt and starts wringing the jello out of her hair with it*
You have no idea how great it is to have my husk fresh again. And everybody's been asking to feel it! So, naturally, I let them. Maria's been asking me what cream I've been using, but I won't tell her, so she decided to just run her hands over me over and over again until she guess right. Speaking of which, I've got another round of guessing to get back to in the jello pool. Oh, look, Michael's there, too...oh, wait a minute, that's Rath. What is he....? HEY, MISTER! That is NOT the way to be "spreading your love around," got it?
Damn, I can't believe he didn't even wait for me. Gotta go.
MF: Hello Betty. My, you certainly are chipper today.
I know, I'm just so excited, we're gonna merge soon. And I'm still here! I just hope we win this damn tie-breaker. This is a tricky one.
MF: Have you seen Max's stickers?
Oh, you mean the rub the crown or go down or whatever it says one?
MF: Yeah, something like that.
Well, I'll let you in on a little secret, Monkey. Well, last night, while we were cleaning up, I was a bit tipsy and I did a bit more than rub his crown, if you know what I mean.
MF: I thought you and Sean--
Oh, me and Sean are still having fun. But when you're drunk & the lovin's free, you take it when you get it. Anyway, I gotta go. Isabel & I are gonna hide Katims' My So-Called Life tapes.
MF: That should be good for a few laughs.
That's what we're hoping. Bye!
The Raunchies lived up to their name with their fanfic, "Orgasmic Strawberry Dreams." It's an all CC NC17 fic.
[Both are located here.]
Rules for this Portion of the Competition
1) The winner is the fanfic that has recieved the highest number of views (not replies) after 12 hours.
2) If the number of views is the same, the tie breaker will be the number of replies.
3) NO TEAM MEMBER MAY GO VIEW THEIR OWN FIC! It may be tempting to read the replies, but remember that you're adding to your view total, which is cheating.
If you really must know what the average reader thinks, and you can't wait until the competition is over, than please send me an email to let me know that you went in, and we can subtract one view from the total number.
4) You are allowed to view the fic of the other team. Just keep in mind that in doing so, you're increasing their total. If you want to view the other team's fic, we can have the same rule. Send an email to the mbtv account, and I'll subtract a view.
The fics went up 8 minutes apart, so the Rauchies already had 14 views by the time the Granolust entry was posted. The Granolust tribe will get an extra 8 minutes at the end of the competition to compensate.
And the score right as I finish posting this: the Raunchies already have 27 views to Granolust's 9.
Good luck everyone!
At the time I checked the view totals, the Raunchies had 327 views and 9 replies, while the Granolusts had 325 views and 3 replies.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly 18 hours, since well, I do have to work and I wasn't at my computer at the time. So I was a bit late checking the views. Chances are that if I had checked a minute or two earlier or later, the view totals would have been different and Granolust might have won. So I apologize, but hey, there's only so much I can do to try and keep it fair. In the end, they were so close it might as well be considered a tie, in which case Raunchy would still get the win as having the most replies.
In any event, Granolust is off to Tribal Council.
I've been rubbing the crown...if you know what I mean...and I think you do. But I can't wait till the merger. Is Simon still over there?
MF: I'm not sure.
I hope so. There's just something about Brits that I really like...though I hear they're not too great at...well...you know. If not...Kyle's will still be coming over...I hope!
Mr. MF: Yeah, I guess.
C'mon, we just voted off three people in a row! I mean, they were pretty useless, but still ...
Mr. MF: All right, if you insist: Congratulations.
Thanks. Hey, did you see what happened this afternoon?
Mr. MF: Um ... I saw some stuff. But tell me what you're talking about.
Well, you know Courtney's husk is all healed, right? And she was right about one thing; she is a babe, even if she's 50 years old. Anyway, we were wrestling in the Jell-O pool earlier and Ava and Lonnie came by. Now those two have been all over each other since they made up, so Courtney and I didn't really pay much attention to them, but they challenged us to a tag-team match. We had such a great time! They won 'cause Lonnie uses her powers all the time to cheat, but I've never enjoyed losing so much. We're kicking the guys out if one of the tents tonight so we can have a Rancho de Raunchy style slumber party. We haven't decided if we should invite Laurie though. I'll fill you in tomorrow.
Cameraman: Now remember folks at home, Raphael De La Ghetto is trained in handling cases such as these. You should not try these methods at home nor should you go wandering around at an abandoned camp-site, at night, alone.
Listen you! Keep quiet or I'll kick you so hard your children will be born in pain! (Looking into the camera) Like jackass ova' here said. Do not try dis' at home. You could seriously injure ya-self. Right now I'm on a mission to find Ms. Liz Parker's virginity.
Cameraman: Rath do you have any clues as to how the virginity was lost?
Well, uh -- usually it starts with an erection or as Ava calls it, a "haud on." Then, at some point, da' ritual spreadin' of da' gams or as Ava would also call da -- since she's wak as 'ell -- da legs. Then, this, "haud on" is inserted into the vaginal area repeatedly. (uses his hands and fingers to demonstrate) Then, about two minutes later, or longer if you doin' it right, the virginity is extinct. Now there are otha wayz to get around dis. Perhaps dis thing (holds up a finger) is put in da' numbah' two area or in da' mouth (puts his finger in his mouth). If cop-u-lation occurred in this manner, depending on who ya speak to, the virginity may remain in tact.
Cameraman: I had no idea you were so knowledgeable in these things.
Mr. Monkey Fantastico, 'dere is very little I don' know about dis sorta' stuff. I am a sex expert, despite the fact that I haven' had any in weeks. It's all I friggin' think about.
Cameraman: I will never doubt you again.
So now dat' we're here at da' suspected site where Ms. Parker lost her virginity it would be pretty good ta' see if we's can find some ev-i-dence as to what occurred or whether it occurred at all.
Cameraman: Ahh, now what kind' of evidence are you looking for Rath?
Well, sometimes you can find a discarded condominium or perhaps 'dose little orange pills that taste like candy. Now, surveyin' dis area, I see none of dose things. Perhaps Ms. Parker's virginity is gonna' be harder to find dan' I'd previously thought.
(Rath sees a banana and runs towards it, picking it up.)
Perhaps dis' could be a clue Fantastico. Could dis be da' culprit, a vestige of a time long forgotten when Ms. Parker lost her virginity? I don' know. I'm gonna' have to take dis' to a lab for inspection.
Cameraman: Rath, that's my lunch.
Oh . . . well, der' doesn't seem ta' be much here but I promise not to sleep or eat until I find Ms. Parker's virginity. If I can not do dis for her den I will go through the trouble of offering her my own.
Cameraman: Your own?
Well, uh . . . den I will offer her Lonnie's.
Cameraman: What?
Den . . . I don't know what I'm gonna' do but I will find it!
Cameraman: Rath, by using your master detective skills, can you tell us what are some possible scenarios that could have taken place here?
I'm so glad you offa'd that. Now, through the magic of tele-vis-on we shall see what could have occurred. Look at da' screen . . .
[Insert: Reenactment -- black and white shot of Rath wearing a black wig and Courtney wearing a wig with long dark hair.]
The most likely suspect in the theft of Ms. Parker's virginity is probably Max Evans or his clone Zan. As you can see from dis reenact-a-ment, he is ravishing her.
[Insert: Reenactment -- black and white shot of Lonnie, sitting in the tent alone, holding a banana.]
Now based on the evidence we've found thus far, your lunch, perhaps dis' could be da' case. (Rath and the Cameraman watch the screen intently.)
Twenty minutes later . . . .
Yes, and dat's one possible scenario. What was I doin' again?
Cameraman: Something about finding Liz Parker's virginity?
Oh yeah and here is our final scenario. Lets watch this.
[Insert: Reenactment -- black and white shot of Ava and Lonnie, sitting in the tent together, holding a banana.]
Dis is also a possible answer to how Ms. Parker lost her virginity. Roll that clip . . .
Cameraman: Oh, my goodness, there is no God!
An hour later . . . .
As the clip ends Mr. Monkey Fantastico sits alone while staring at the screen and smoking the banana. Rath and Kyle the large bush as Rath straightens his pants.
See, bro' I told ya' da' clip was ova'. (smacks Kyle on the ass as Kyle walks away)
Cameraman: Uh . . . before we go Rath, can you tell the people at home some helpful tips on how not to lose their virginity?
Oh, dat's easy. The best way to keep track of your virginity is to keep it close to you at all times. Years ago dey had chastity belts but it don' work like dat' no more. For you women, try wearin' clothin' that's not so flatter'n. Like, don't wear tank tops and koochie cuttas 'n shit like dat. Mini-skirts are a no-no as well. Go wit somethin' sensible like a long skirt or a pair of jeans -- as long as they not vinyl, leather or tight as 'ell. If you're really afraid of losin' your virginity den' you may wanna' try gaining at least twenty pounds more than you already weigh. Breast implants can increase your chances of losin' your virginity and for you ugly peoples, "face-lifts" -- da' same.
Of course dis' all goes out da' window at happy hour. Plus some women make da' mistake of hangin' around chicks uglier dan they are. Ya' see, if you're da' least attractive chick out of a group of chicks around you, den' you are less likely ta' lose ya' virginity.
Cameraman: What about the guys?
Uh, da fellas. Da uglia', heavia' and geekia' you are, da less likely you are to lose your virginity. Although for da' fellas I have ta' ask -- Why's the hell would you wanna' keep that? All yous gotta' do is get fifty bucks, go out on da' streets and find ya'self a five dolla' hooka. Betta' yet, I can send ya Lonnie or Ava for twenty plus shippin' and handlin'. For an extra' twenty, I'll even send ya' Laurie -- although I'm not sure who would wanna' be up on dat.
Cameraman: Well when is it okay to lose your "virginity?"
Oh! Dat's easy. Lose it when ya' meet da right person. Someone who loves you, or at least has enough sense ta' lie about it. Make him take you ta' dinner first too. Well, sometimes ya' think ya' meet the right person but he's just a jackass and ya' end up doin' it and regrettin' later. Then ya' can revoke your virginity and da' next time claim ya have it. Hell, if ya' ask most of da' girls on dis' island they'd still tell ya' dat dey never lost it.
Cameraman: Very interesting.
Oh, and if ya' lose it and stay cele-bate for about ten years den' ya automatically get it back. No questions asked.
Cameraman: Rath, this has been very interesting.
Yeah and dis case confuses me, I mean, who the hell would take Liz Parker's virginity? That has gotta' be one sick bastard. Hell most people can't even stand next to her for more dan' three seconds let alone three minutes.
Cameraman: It is truly an unsolved mystery.
Monkey Fantastico, thank you for your aid. Now remember kids, protect your virginity as if it were your life or some shit like dat cause its really important. Plus, for you fat and ugly chicks, it's all you have. Pass dis information around to ya' friends too and be sure follow my tips because the virginity you save, just may be, ya own. Until next time folks, dis is Rath aka Raphael De La Ghetto comin' to you from da' Roswell/Survivor iz-land. Be careful purple-traitor, cause I�m on da� case!
Cameraman: What's your belly-aching for?
JK: Uh, I haven't been getting enough sleep....
Cameraman: That disappointed over the challenge?
JK: No, no...not that. Dreams, bad ones!
Cameraman: I'll ask the following question knowing full well this could provide a harrowing glimpse into your psyche: What were the dreams about?
JK: Pretty scary, actually. You know that duet by Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow? From that fuckin' karaoke movie?
Cameraman: (gulp) Yeah?
JK: In my dreams, they just sing it over and over again in each ear. I'm startin' to crack up.
Cameraman: Dude, I had no idea. Here, take my last Kleenex.
JK: Thanks, dude. But I gotta put it behind me. That's the only way I can make it through. I knew there'd be some tough mental challenges in this game. I just didn't think it would get this tough.
Cameraman: So, let's talk about something else...what's going to happen with the vote tonight?
JK: Oh, I think Liz has finally outlived her usefulness. Her hard drive is pretty fragmented and she needs her memory core wiped completely clean. I'm gonna need her back on the set pretty soon in tip-top shape. Oh! You heard we've still got jobs, huh? I still have wonderful characters to write for. Which is great, because there are so many stories left to plumb. The thought that we wouldn't have the chance to tell them was just terrifying! Terrifying!
Cameraman: Yeah...we all dodged that bullet. Back to the game, you guys haven't been to Tribal Council in some time. Have you used the chance to reflect on your former tribe mates?
JK: .......who were they again?
Cameraman: Um, well, there was River Dog, the first to go. Followed by Eddie. Remember? He made the scene when he left? And there was Whittaker. How have you guys carried on without them?
JK: Yeah...um.... Who was Eddie again?
Cameraman: The boy with the whistle? Oh, never mind.
JK: I think our Monkey Man has been out in the sun too long.
Cameraman: cough[[kissmyass,fuckwad]]cough
JK: Excuse me? If you still want your job as my chauffeur when we all go back to civilization, I suggest you keep those comments to yourself.
Cameraman: Yes, [[get]] sir [[bent]]!
JK: Pardon?
Cameraman: Nothing, sir. I'm looking forward to being your driver once again. I can't wait until [[hee!]] we go cruisin' together [[hee!]]. I love it when we're cruisin' together [[heeheeheeheeHA!]]. It's made for love, you know.
JK: Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!
Listen, you prick, what the hell am I paying you for? No, no, no. You're the one supposed to be some kind of super-agent, you figure out a way to break the contract! Well, how the hell was I supposed to guess this was going to happen, huh? Three year commitment to the Discovery Channel -- do you know how many people watch the Discovery Channel? That's right, none. Hold on a sec, I can't hear you over the sound of MY CAREER BEING FLUSHED DOWN A FREAKIN' TOILET! Was I supposed to guess that the pansy asses would be so afraid of a couple of wimpy bomb and assasination threats from those psychos who watch this show that they'd cave in and buy the thing? Who are these fucking people anyway?
Suddenly becomes aware of cameraman's violent gesturing.
Oh. Hello there, America. Well, isn't that exciting news about our new network. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I can't WAIT to see all the fantastic ideas our new bosses will have for the show. Some exciting, exciting stuff in the months ahead. So be sure to follow us over to channel . . . . [whisper offstage from cameraman] 104 on your local cable station. Now on with the voting!
Max:
Good-bye Zan. Only one of us can be King Dick. Sorry, hon. But when we get back home, you'll have to come sleepover sometime...
Sean
I'm gonna have to vote off Grant. Now that his eyebrows have been plucked, the ladies seem to almost enjoy him. And we cant have that.
Liz
I'm voting for Zan, I just know it must have been him that stole my vitginity. He needs to be punished!!
Tess
I vote for Zan cause he's rude. He keeps telling me, "You're not Ava...but you'll do just fine." Get the heck away from me you creep!
Katims
I'm voting for Zan. Sorry, but we've got two of you and we want to keep the prettier one. Later!
Isabel
I really only need one brother to fuck, and I'm tired of sharing him with himself, so my vote is for Zan.
So it looks like Granolust will be Dupe-free by morning. And that doesn't sound too bad at all.
Stay tuned for the next immunity challenge, which will be posted sometime tomorrow evening!
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On to next part - Round Nine | Read the infamous fanfiction