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Back to last part - Round Four
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Cameraman: What?
I've figured it out!
Cameraman: WHAT?
The Granolust tribe must have kidnapped Kyle! That's the only explaination I can find... I'm going to go check it out... wanna come?
Cameraman: Why not...
Dude, stop hugging me. I�m o.k.
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: What happened?
*sigh* Well, it�s a long story.
Things had been getting pretty intense for me around camp. Lots of people showing up in my tent at night, lots of rashes developing on everybody, that sort of thing. And I�d just been feeling sort of guilty. I just couldn�t take it anymore, not knowing where he was, not knowing what he was doing, not knowing who he was with. I had to get away.
So early one morning, I snuck out while everyone was sleeping. I�ve lived around these woods all my life; I figured, �How hard could it be to find their damn camp?� All I wanted to do was take a little peek, see what he was up to. I figured I could tell my group that I was just �gathering information� for future challenges.
I wandered in the woods all day, and I kept getting lost. I started yelling, but I guess it was Jello massage time at camp, because no one heard me or noticed I was missing. It started to get dark, and there were weird noises everywhere. I stumbled into this clearing and there were all these little stick figures in the shape of that alien symbol. You know, the one that looks like a breast? Well, that kinda freaked me out so I started running. I guess it all must have been a trap, �cause the next thing you know, I fell down into this hole completely full of those crystal things. I mean, I couldn�t believe it. I thought they were all dead! The hole sealed up so I started worrying about oxygen, but then I realized that these things die without oxygen, and since they were all alive, it was a pretty dumb thing to worry about. I didn�t have anything to eat except a few packets of dry Jello mix, and lemma tell ya, it is not as good without the water. I tried to stay positive, do some push-ups, meditate for a while, some self-lamp trimming, that kind of thing, but I was scared and tired and so alone.
So I started thinking about those alien powers I�m supposed to have. I know they kinda freaked me out at first, but if there was ever a time to use them, this was it. I knew I couldn�t break through the opening, �cause even the Pod Squad couldn�t do that. But then I remembered that thing Liz had done when Max was in New York. If he could hear that whiny robot who he never gave a shit about (which he�s told me, like, a thousand times), surely he�d hear me. So I started trying to project myself, breathing really deeply like when I�m doing TM. For a minute I thought I got through; I got this vision of Max a tent, lying on top of some tall blonde girl and moaning, �You come first, always� over and over again. But that couldn�t have been real, �cause I don�t know who the hell that could be. I mean, he�s gotta use Tess and the robot as his covers, and I understand that. We can never reveal our love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. But we all know I�m the one he really cares about.
So anyway, I gave up and tried to go to sleep, but I was just too restless. Just for fun I started breaking off pieces of the crystal and killing them in my Snapple bottle. Then I suddenly realized, �Holy shit, if I can just break pieces of these things off, I should be able to chip a hole right through the ceiling!� So I took my �Max&Liz4Eva� pocketknife (gag) and started breaking off chunks of the crystals near the ceiling. I finally got all the way through and started to pull myself out of the hole. And there he was. At first I thought I was dreaming again, but then he said, �I heard you Kyle. I heard you and I came for you. I�ll always come for you.� I think we were both crying. So he came down in the hole with me, and I�m not sure how long we were down there, I think it might have been a couple of days, but we didn�t sleep at all. You wouldn�t believe the endurance of these guys. It was nothing but Pecs and flashes and I think I blacked out a few times. Finally after who knows how long, we both fell asleep. The next thing I know, I look up and I see what looks like a dead animal attacking someone, and then I realize it�s just Michael. He�s grabbing me up and yelling at Max and telling me that the girls are crying their eyes out, or some damn thing. Max tried to use his Jello Forcefield on him, but he was just too exhausted to keep it up for long. So Michael used his powers to throw Max backwards, and then he picked me up over his shoulder and carried me back to camp. I could hear Max yelling out after us. Everyone at camp was trying to hug me and tell me how much they missed me, but I just want to be alone. That guy Latex said he and Nicholas will try to cheer me up later, but I�m not sure what they�ll be able to do. They�d have to be pretty creative to get me out of this mood.
I can�t wait for the merger.
Anyway, i've been having these wierd flashbacks of that night. I remember talking to Grant for a bit, and then he left, though he might have come back later, and Sean came up to me and.........then it all goes blank. It couldn't have been Sean, could it?
One more thing, do you know why Zan has been looking at me so wierdly lately? Maybe there's something on his mind. Has he said anything to you?
Cameraman: Yeah, I know.
Well, good... I mean... *starts to cry* I was so worried... what if he hadn't come back? *starts babbling incoherently*
Cameraman: Not again...
*cameraman walks off* (OS) Hey! Where are you going?
Cameraman: No luck yet?
There are some crazy rumors going around, I don't want to ruin my reputation. I'm a man, not some freak who likes to screw teenage robots.
Cameraman: So you're saying the rumors aren't true?
Not exactly, but... jeez, does the whole tribe have to know? I was in a weird place. Under normal circumstances, I don't just have sex with random underaged kids. Only the really really hot ones.
Cameraman: So it IS true! Well... give her virginity back right now, mister!
I wish I could, buddy, but it's completely gone. I think Sean ran off with it. I've looked everywhere else. Lousy delinquint.
Cameraman: Well don't give up. I'm sure it's just hidden under those Tabasco bottles.
Man, I'm sick of these things. Some plane labeled "UPN WASTE MANAGEMENT" keeps flying by and dumping them in our woods. At first we were touched, but there's only so many dishes of Eddie that Valenti can season, y'know?
Cameraman: Excuse me?
Nothing. Hey, are we ever gonna get another Immunity Challenge?
(Cameraman shrugs shoulders)
Whatever. Liz's virGINiteeeeeeee!
If by the third commercial break, you hear �k� for a �g,�
the Granolust tribe wins immunity.
But if Liz�s diction is perfect till then,
Rancho de Raunchy will take home the win.
Good luck!
Anyway, the challenge... *rolls eyes* Might as well start getting ready for tribal council...
I think I'm gonna go talk with those girls about another little scheme to shut Liz up... tired of counting on her...
Results:
Kyle:
I'm voting for Tolarsky, or whatever her name is. Do we really need another annoying blonde chick in this camp? I think not.
Amy:
Duff, again, 'cause I still haven't seen her.
Courtney:
My vote's for Topolsky. She was killed by the guy that the congresswoman I hate used to sleep with, so I'm just, you know, getting rid of bad relations and all.
Michael:
Topolsky. Why? Because I've already got one crazy blond chick in my life, and that's enough. Hey, wait a second. Come on, you know I meant Laurie. Maria, come back here!
Ava:
Duff
Maria:
I vote for Topolsky. I said there was only room in this tribe for one blonde with shiny moist lips, and I meant it. She and her pink lipstick can take a hike.
So there you have it. Miss Topolosky, if that is your real name, feel free to post your final words and then join us in the Rejects Resort!
So, since Liz's speech program has more bugs in it than the production release of a Microsoft program, we had to go to Tribal Council today. I was all set to vote off Topolsky, but Laurie started screaming about her Grandpa again. I really thought she'd gotten over that.
Being the good Samaritan I am, I went to go help her out. Ok, so helping her out consisted of shoving her in the jello pool, but jello really does make for a great muffler. By the time I'd run to the chamber, the votes were already taken.
Didn't matter anyways. Would have voted for Topolsky if I'd gotten there on time.
Cameraman: Why so happy?
Topolsky's gone!
Cameraman: But you voted for Duff...
I know! But at least one of the FBI chicks has hit the road! This is cause for celebration, any ideas?
Cameraman: Well...
Again?
Cameraman: So you had a good weekend.
*grins like a loon*
Cameraman: Stop that!
Sorry. *purses lips* I just can't help it. It was magical. There I was, hitting the end of my hour long point of culmination after a double Isabel session, and all of a sudden I got a flash. I saw my beloved in a cave full of these glowing blue things and just knew, I mean I knew where he was and how to find him. It was like alien intuition or something.
Anyway, I found him finally, and oh! It was just utter...bliss. I can't even find the words to describe it. I feel like a new man. A better man. With increased stamina. And I don't know what Kyle has been doing over there with on the Raunchy Ranch, but whatever it is, damn I'm happy. *looks straight into the camera* Keep it up boy! You hear? KEEP. IT. UP!!!
Damn, I'm counting the days until the merge...
Now, if you'll excuse me, Isabel has to resume whipping me for leaving without telling her. Sometimes that girl...I know she dreamwalked me and watched me and Kyle. I think she's just pissed I didn't bring her along. But sometimes a man just needs to be with other men, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.
Cameraman: You missed the Tribal Council.
Really? Who got booted?
Cameraman: Topolsky.
Wait, so does that mean Bangs is still here?
Camerman: I thought you wanted Topolsky gone.
Well yeah, but not if this means I have to eat anymore Jello Rice fri-fuckin'-tata. And it's cold. Always cold. Not that any of this matters. We're all gonna die anywayz.
Cameraman: What are you talking about?
So, yo, like last night I had'ta get out ya know. Stretch my legs. Get away from these freaks for a little while. So I head over to Valenti's bar. I figured I could scope the place out for our gig and get a drink. Me and Valenti are shootin' the shit, playing quarters.
Camerman: Wait, doing shots!?! Aren't you a minor?
Huh? I ain't never worked in no mines. We was just drinking, not doing any hard labor. Anyways, Isabel comes running in all like panicked and shit, talking 'bout having to get the dirt out of my mouth. I'm like yo baby - this mouth is clean. Took Valenti a crow bar and six shots of Jager to get her off of me. Not like I was, ya know, trying to help. 'Cuz now that I think about it, my mouth was kinda dirty. Anyways, she starts talkin' about that crazy bitch Liz and she's like gone nuts and shit.
The three of us head back to the camp and it's like all Apocalypse Now and shit there. That skirt Betty's holding Sean, and he's like all bleedin' from the head. There's fires everywhere. Katims is in a fetal position cryin' like a bitch yellin' something like "This wasn't in the script!". Then we hear this noise. it's like the scariest thing I ever heard. Worse than da sound Zan made when he found out Santa Claus wasn't real. We follow the noise 'cuz Valenti's all like in Sheriff mode and shit. And me and Isabel are like dude knock it off, Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane on the Dukes of Hazzard had better policing skills than you.
Anyways, we get to the center of camp and there's the bot. Only she ain't the bot ya'll are used to. She's like changed. Like some demonic Transformer on acid. Her eyes are all red and glowy. She's shooting rockets from her fingers. Screaming "Where is it!?! Where's my virginity!?!". She's got the rest of the humans huddling in a corner trapped, which consists of Grant and Alex, who's like dead so what can she do to him, ya know. Grant tried to make a run for it, only she grabbed him by the eyebrows and flung him into Katims. Max, Zan and Ava surrounded the bot. Max and Zan put up their Green Jello shields. This just pisses her off. She shoots this flame thrower thing at Max. It hits the Jello shield only he can't hold it. 'Cuz, see, yesterday was rub coconut oil on the Dick day.
Cameraman: (blank stare)
So, he's like all slippery and oily, he falls on his ass and slides back about 50 feet. Zan sees Max go down, drops his shield and runs after Max talking about needing to fix his loincloth. The bot whacks Zan on the head, he goes down. Lucky for us, Zan's head is about as hard as Max's pecs, it wound up breaking one of the bot's arms. Only she's like super pissed now. Tess decides that this is the moment to lose her spine again and dissolves into a puddle of goo. We're like whoa this ain't good. Then Isabel has an idea.
(Wavy lines of flashback)
Lonnie & Isabel: Wonder twin powers activate!!
Isabel: In the shape of a giant wonder bra.
Lonnie: In the form of a giant sling shot.
Porno runs in front of the 'bot.
Valenti: (grabbing his crotch) Yo, she-bitch, I got yer virginity right here.
The 'bot, enraged, starts chasing after Valenti. She runs directly into the giant brassiere sling-shot and is flung out of the camp.
(Wavy lines of flashback)
Cameraman: Wow, so you did it. You vanquished the 'bot.
Yea, but for how long? We like didn't destroy her. I don't think anything can destroy her. If you listen you can still hear her yellin'.
Liz: (distant) My virginity!
*shudder* Anyways, we all went back to the bar and chilled. Besides, I though it was only fair that Porno got some, uh, congratulations.
Cameraman: You slept with Porno?
Yo, for an old guy, he's like got it goin' on. Besides, who can resist a Lonnie/Isabel sandwich? *sigh* I hope we can all make it to the merger. 'Cuz it's gonna take everything we got to survive. (stands up) Yo, Ava, get yer helmet head into the tent, I need a tongue bath. And don't forget the lotion.
Oh, yo, sorry, but Lonnie needs a tongue bath, like right now. She just got back from the other camp, and she's all dirty and shit. And I don't know where the freakin lotion is ... she'll be pissed if i'm late, gotta go..
It's...awful...it's just awful!
Cameraman: Oh, it can't be that bad.
It is. It totally is! A few days ago I was doing some tanning with Lonnie, Maria and Ava, even though I knew tanning was bad for my husk. I just couldn't help it! I couldn't let myself stay all pale while their skin was turning a perfect gold from every angle...So, I joined right in. Well, everything was fine for a awhile, but, later on, I realized I'd gotten sun burnt.
Cameraman: Sun burn? Well, that's not the end of the world.
No! You don't understand. The husk is extra sensitive...it's in its nature to shed layers! And what happens to human skin when it gets sun burnt?
Cameraman: It peels...
Well, no shit, Sherlock. So what do you think happened to me?
Cameraman: Oh, it can't be that--
*Removes sweater from face*
Cameraman: AHHHHHHHHHH! Sweet Jesus, that's NASTY!
*Wraps sweater back around*
I've been walking around like fucking Freddy Kruegar without the knives for the past two days!
Cameraman: Won't it go away?
Well, yeah, but it's gonna take at least a few more days before my husk renews enough layers for me to shed this stuff off. It's so humilating...I even had to go to Tribal Counsil in one of those head-dresses that I hear are in style to wear to Tribal Councils...only it was wrapped around my entire body.
Well, I gotta go now. I've been told by Maria to try and stay out of the sun, so she and Michael let me stay in our tent all day while they go off and "experiment" a bit to "find a remedy" to speed up the healing process. I thought that was very thoughtful. Well, see ya!
*runs off--or at least tries to*
Cameraman: I have got to find me another job. Soon.
Nope. I can't find it anywhere!
Cameraman: Do you want a good tip on how to find it?
Does it involve writing stuff with mustard?
Cameraman: ...........yes
No then.
Cameraman: Fine then. So do you know who did it yet?
I'm still not sure. I mean, like, I guess it could be anyone. But......I dunno. Zan is still acting really wierdly. Earlier he went up to me with, like, this really guilty look on his face, and said "i'm sorry Liz, i'm really sorry". Do you think it means anything?
Cameraman: Sorry what? I'd stopped listening.
Cameraman: Um, I'm not supposed to say anything about other confessionals.
I know, but c'mon. Isn't that disgusting?
Cameraman: Well, um, yeah, it was.
She wanted Michael and me to put lotion on for her, but there's no way I'm touching her until that crap peels off. Man, that shit is totally gross. On the plus side, I've had Michael to myself all day today. I think he's finally getting over the thing with Rath. I mean, I know it still bothers him that Rath got there first, but I think I've managed to convince him that it was an honest mistake. And he and Kyle have worked out their thing, whatever it was, so he's in a better mood overall anyway. *Maria looks around conspiratorially* Can I tell you something in confidence?
Cameraman: Of course.
The other day, when he was sure Kyle was mad at him, Michael was so upset that he starting calling Kyle's name while I was ... uh, well, I was ... *Maria looks around again* I was, you know, well ... Michael was culminating. And I couldn't really say anything at the time 'cause my mouth was full, but I think it's really sweet that Michael was so worried about his friendship with Buddha Boy. He used to be so closed off to humans, but he's really come a long way. But don't say anything, 'cause he doesn't want anyone to think he's not a stone wall.
Cameraman: Huh?
Isabel's so beautiful, don't you think? Everytime I see her, I'm just overcome! I really missed Max while he was missing, but it was amazing to not share Isabel for a few days.
Cameraman: So is anything else going on?
Well, we've all been hanging out at Porno's cafe a lot, but there hasn't been much action.
Cameraman: I hear Liz lost her virginity - you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Not only no, but Hell!No! Look, Liz and I have been friends for our, er, her whole life. We're much more like brother and sister, and I don't mean like a certain alien brother and sister around here, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Well, I'm off to go play some volleyball with Max, Zan, and Sean. The ladies like to watch...
Your next challenge is simple:
While I know we all prefer Kyle shirtless and all nipply,
Tell me what number he sports on his basketball jersey.
You know the rules guys, gals, & bots. No checking of transcripts, tapes, other internet sites, or kissing ass of some FF poster to get the answer. You know the drill for submitting the answers too.
Just remember: Cheaters never win, winners never cheat, and that is the biggest line of bullshit I've ever heard. But just pretend like it's true okay?
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: Wow, congratulations. And that woman would be . . .
Duh, Maria of course. What can I say, I think I've finally reached a place in my life where I'm ready for a commitment. Random screwing is not what it's cracked up to me. No, sex is much better when there are deep feelings involved.
[Pause]
O.K. Here's the real story. First of all, you ever see that episode of the X-Files where Mulder comes back from the dead? Yeah, yeah, I know, the X-Files is crap this year, but Maria has a real thing for that Duchovny guy. Every time he's on, she starts flowing wetter than the Niagara Falls, ripping off my clothes and shouting "Oh yeah, the truth is in there, baby, the truth is IN THERE!" Damn him and his fucking contract negotiations. ANYWAYS, the point. Remember in that episode when the dead dude goes and showers all his rotting skin off? You think that's gross? Try waking up to Courtney's fried husk meat on your pillow. Repulsive.
So like, what are my options? Laurie is like my sister, of course, but I can't think about her that way. Sure, it's different for some brothers and sisters -- they grew up together, lived in the same house, saw each other shower. It's just natural that they develop those kind of feelings for each other. Or so Isabel tells me. But I guess Laurie and I found each other too late in life to develop that kind of bond.
Then there's Ava and Lonnie. Ava of course is out, because the girl has to be at Lonnie's beck and call constantly. As for Lonnie ... she's a freakin' psycho case. Which is a hell of a turn on. She reduced Nicholas to a weeping and begging pathetic little boy after just a few seconds alone with him. Of course, all she did was blow up his remote control car. But damn, did she look good doing it.
No, the reason I can't get near Lonnie is because of Isabel. She, um, basically told me that if I lay one finger on Lonnie, I'm going to wake up with one testicle. And trust me, that bitch means it too. I've already had too many problems in that area since I've been here. I don't need any more alien fiddling with the power source. Where the hell does she come up with this stuff anyways?
So, that's it. I'm taking Maria out for a nice romantic walk down by the Gandarium hole, and let her know that from now on, she's the one for me.
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: That's great. I think you'll find monogamy to be a very fulfilling lifestyle choice.
What the hell you talking about, Mr. Monkey? Who said anything about monogamy. I said one WOMAN. Let's not get crazy here.
What? Oh, Liz was convinced that I took her virginity. She would not stop asking! So finally I'm just like, "No bitch! Now shut the hell up about your damn virginity." That was when she went all Linda Blair on us and I got this in the line of fire. Luckily, Betty was able to nurse my wounds.
Camera Guy: Isn't it kind of scary that Betty looks so much like your cousin?
Not really. I mean Maria doesn't have that hot accent. And I doubt Maria could please me the way.. Well, I doubt you want to hear details.
Camera Guy: Thank you, dear God thank you! So, where'd you get those marks on your neck?
Me and Betty borrowed Pierce's tazer gun and-
Camera Guy: Confessional over!
Cameraman: What's wrong?
Did you see Courtney?
Cameraman: Yeah...
Well there you go... I'm not going anywhere until that's fixed. If need be, you'll carry me to tribal council, right? So I can shield my eyes?
Cameraman: Of course...
Awww... I can always count on you, Monkey...
Cameraman: Hi. Where've you been? You haven't made a confessional in days.
I've been...busy. You know, me and Sean. I've had to keep that damn robot from killing him. Poor boy. But he's doing much better now.
I heard they found Kyle.
Cameraman: Yeah. It's good to have him back.
Uh-huh. Well, I'm off to see if we can get Pierce's tazer back. That thing is a lot of fun.
Cameraman: You're a bit sadistic.
It is! You should try it some time.
Cameraman: I get off in a few hours!
Come any closer to me & I'll tell Liz it was you who took her virginity.
Cameraman: It wasn't me! Besides, there's no proof!
But she'll believe me over you. I look like her best friend, remember?
Cameraman: You win!
That's what I thought.
Cameraman: Yeah.
I'm so happy! I'm just not sure why Kyle looked so weird when I told him, but he and Michael went over to the Jell-O pool to discuss it. Michael was saying something about still wanting to wrestle when they left. Isn't it nice of him to make sure Kyle can practice while we're here? Now he'll be able to get right back to work with the team when he gets home.
Did I miss it? Did I miss the voting?
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: Um, yes. I haven't seen you in a while.
You wanna know why? You wanna know why? Please tell me you wanna know why? Whatever. You're the cameraman! You have to listen!
Okay, it was really, really weird. A few days ago, I went up to the sunglasses kid with my sweater. I think he was the only one who hadn't smelled it over twenty times yet, so I thought he should get the chance. But Sunglasses pushed me right into the Jello pool!
I started to sink, and I tried to call for help, but my mouth was full of Jello. And then, when I got to the bottom, guess who I saw?
Monkey: Um...
Wait, let me tell you! It was Liz! She must have wandered over from the other camp and fallen in! But she wasn't dead. She was calling for something...her voice was kind of muffled from all the Jello, but I think she was looking for her liberty. What's that?
Monkey: Well, I'm not sure that's what she...
Shut up! So anyway, Liz saw me, and she started to cry and laugh and stuff, and she pulled me up to the top of the Jello pool, and she was kissing me! She thinks I'm her liberty!
Monkey: Virginity.
What?
Monkey: Not liberty. Virginity. That's what she was looking for.
Oh. But whatever. She thinks I'm her virginity! And now she won't stop following me around. I tried to staple my tend shut, but we don't have any staples here, so it was kind of hard. She keeps popping into my tend and trying to drag me back to her camp with her.
Liz Off-Camera: Virginity! What are you doink in there! Virgities don't need to make confessions! Come back with meeeee!
Help! You have to hide me!
Cut to Katims, covered in mud and curled up in the fetal position. He's naked and bawling.
Cameraman: Katims!
JK, confused: Mommy?
Cameraman: Where the hell have you been?
JK, reaching out with a dirty hand: Who's there?
Cameraman: It's me, for fuck's sake.
JK, delirious: OH! OH! It's you! My, my monkey man!
Cameraman: Don't touch me, you foul beast! Where the hell have you been?
JK: Oh, it terrible! Terrible! I, I woke up and I was in a... a white room. And, and they hurt me and yelled...and, and there were Dreamers and CandyGirls and they threw things at my head and spat on me...
Cameraman: Oh, for chrissakes. What a load of horse shit.
JK: ?
Cameraman: Don't play innocent with me. I can smell this crap from you a mile away. You've gone back to stalking Belinda Carlisle's Bel Air mansion again, haven't you? Even after what happened last time?
JK: She's dreamy and smells like Prell.
Cameraman: Get back to camp, you sorry bastard.
JK: Have they missed me?
Silence.
Cameraman: Just go.
Cameraman: Rath! Is that you? Where have you been? I didn't smell you coming.
Rath bends down, towards the Cameraman. As his face becomes clearer, the Cameraman can see he is much thinner than before. His hair is white, his face gaunt and his clothes ripped to shreds. Flies no longer buzz around his body. He smells of deodorant and he has one arm behind his back.
Yes, it's me.
Cameraman: Rath! What happened to you!
It's so great ter be hammer and tack Guvnor Monkey Fantastico. Do yer like me new figure, eh, squire? I 'aven't 'ad anyfink ter eat in weeks. I'm bloody well starvin'.
Cameraman: Rath? Are you okay? Do you want me to call the doctor?
There's absolutely no need ter call the doctor. I feel as fit as a fiddle and better than ever. I 'ad a wee accent in the bleedin' woods. I were walkin' along the river the uvver day wen I fell and 'it me 'ead. I were upset wiv me recent decisions involvin' me sex live and personal oigene. Wen I oroke in the woods I were confronted by a strange 'ave a lookin' african-ameri'an woman in the bloomin' woods. She called 'erself, "The Guide."
Cameraman: What? Rath, you're not making any sense. What happened to you!
Oh Guvnor Monkey Fantasctico! Honest guv! Yor so 'ilarious. I've missed that in the chuffin' past few days. Rath leans over, reaches underneith Fantastico's chin and rubs it briskly. Well there she were, luvly as ever, me Guide. She starts tellin' me all of this mumbo jumbo about luv and life. Then she orders me ter take a baff, right, tidy meself, get an 'aircut, right, lose a few pounds and uvver rubbish. I ignored the girl and told 'er ter leave me alone. Then, right, out of no where, she 'urls me into a lake full o' crocodiles. The bastards attacked me, tore me kit ter shreds, ribbed me 'air up, and inadvertently -- by grippin' ter various parts of me body and swishin' it 'round from left ter right bath'ed me as if I were inside of a gigantic washin' machine. I e'scaped and lived off 'o mushrooms 'till I found me way back.
Cameraman: Rath, I'm going to call the doctor immediately. I'm not sure what's going on here but you're starting to scare the shit out of me. You're from New York, not . . . where ever you think you're from.
Calm dahn Fantastico, there's no need to be upset what-so-ever. I'm back in the game and back from me vacation. I'm going to dedicate me time on dis island, to 'elpin' others and solvin' their problems just like Dr. Ruth. Only I won' be all old, crusty and sex starved. I'm also going to try me Mae West to woo the luvly Maria to me side. She doesn't need to be wiv Michael, 'e can't appreciate 'er like I can.
Cameraman: So what's going to prevent her from running in the other direction?
Monkey, 'ook, I've got it all under control. First I'm going to go tell Lonnie and Ava 'ow much I love and appreciate them. Then I'm going to offer then free back and foot rubs. If they're nice I'll give them some of me mushrooms as well. Next I'm going to go tell Amy dat I forgive 'er fer 'er crimes against 'umanity. Next I'll beat some sense inta' Laurie-In-A-Box. Then I'm goin' ta give Maria me flowers.
Rath pulls his hand from behind his back and reveals a beautiful array of tropical flowers.
'Der not poisonous either! I wrote 'er a rock song too -- I do 'ope she likes it. Yer know lassies are so important and the pentical of us society. Next I'm bloody well gonna go find some baby otters ter beat ter deaff so I can 'arvest their oil and send it ter Max and Liz so that the latter may run like clock work and the former might be aided in paradin' 'imself 'round like the bloomin' 'oore that 'e is. Then I'm bloody well gonna go pick some berries for Michael. I'm bloody well sure Michael will luv the berries. Finally I'm gonna spend some quality time wiv Kyle, right, I've been promisin' 'im I would and now I'm gonna make right good on that.
Cameraman: Those are nice Rath. So you're not rapping anymore? Don't you think Michael would be a bit upset with you for moving in on Maria?
I'm not movin' in on Maria, I'm simply makin' peace and sharin' the bleedin' luv that I 'ave ter give. Besides I've got me sights on anuvver yung member of us tribe. I'm bloody well full of luv yer know, me Guide told me so.
Cameraman: You're most certainly full of something. Rath, before you go tell, us what you wrote for Maria.
Dear Maria, yer' the most beatiful slag alive but I shouldn't 'ave to tell yer dat. I 'ave admired yer from afar and realize just 'ow important yer've always been to me, at least fer the past few days we've been on dis island together. Yer are kind, forgivin', witty, intellegent . . . all of the things I 'ope to find in me mate in the future. I know dat we can't be together since yer are wiv Michael. The only solice I take is in knowin' dat a part of me is wiv yer somewhere. I 'ope dat 'e will treat yer in a way dat yer should be treated -- givin' yer all of the love, compassion and comfort dat yer deserve. I want yer to know dat yer will always be in me heart and I forever will be greatful to 'ave shared dis experience wiv yer, even if we're not side by side. When I walk along the beach, lookin' at the Sunset I see yer in the sea, the air, the sand. When I listen to the sounds echoin' from the shells along the coast know dat I never 'ear the ocean, instead I 'ear yer name. Maria, thank yer fer existin' wiv a smile dat shines as bright as the Sun and for givin' me much more dahn money can buy -- hope. Forever, Rath.
Cameraman: That was sweet. I even understood most of that.
Thank you, yer 'ave a great day Guvnor Fantastico. Remember that I luv and appreciate yer too.
As Rath skips off into the distance to find Maria, Mr. Monkey Fantastico whispers into his mouth piece.
Cameraman: Uh, guys. I think Rath has lost his damn mind. Well, actually I like the change but he's got to lose that damn accent or else we're going to need captioning below his head for the next few weeks.
They came at me. All four of 'em! I mean both of 'em! Isabel and Lonnie ... Lonnie and Isabel ... the Pointer Sisters ... ohmigod ...
Cameraman: Hi.
You know... there's some weird stuff going around here. Everyone's starting to act weird... crazy... *giggles* they're losing their minds...
Cameraman: And what about you?
Uh?
So here's your tie-breaker:
Identify each of the following quotes by episode name and the person who quoted it:
1.Like I have any skills.
2.She wanted to jump your bones, huh?
3.Yeah I'm sure it's a real mecca for factual information.
4.No,no. I can assure you there was no twinkle.
5.This is dangerous. It brings death.
Do I even need to state the rules kids? Cuz I know I don't.
Granolust Tribe submitted:
1.Maria "Monsters"
2.Porno "Surprise"
3.Isabel "The Convention"
4.Liz "We Are Family"
5.Riverdog "Riverdog
Rancho de Ranchy submitted:
1. Maria "The Morning After"
2.Porno "Surprise"
3.Isabel "The Convention"
4.Liz "We Are Family"
5.Riverdog "Riverdog"
Ohhhh, close kids, but the winner is Granloust Tribe. Maria's 'Yeah like I have any skills' quote was actually in "Monsters" when Topolosky is interviewing her.
So Rancho de Ranchies, if you guys pull yourselves off each other long enough, looks like you'll be going to tribal council.
Okay, it's clear to me that what have around here is a lack of entertainment. Otherwise people wouldn't be running around and jumping on unsuspecting sheriffs, forcing them to have sex repeatedly. (Thanks, girls! That was some sandwich!)
Ummm, where was I? ...
Right! Entertainment! We are all in clear need of entertainment! (Other than that provided by Isabel's band, which sort of ranks on the entertainment scale somewhere between listening to the neighbor's dog bark all night and a root canal.)
So, I looked around, and, calling on my valuable expertise (learned in the extension courses I took, "Home Video Editing for Fun and Profit", and "Home Electronics the Organic Way"), I cobbled together a big screen TV, using the inner bark of the rare Scrufulous Exfoliating Willow for the screen, and a few more 'Bot components for the inner mechanism (she still hasn't missed 'em, being totally fixated on this "virginity" thing). Set it up in the Road Kill Room. Figure "Video Night" can alternate with appearances by Izzie and Polecats, or whatever it is they call themselves now.
Okay, obviously what we need next are videos! Not wanting to subject anyone to Katim's unedited director's cut versions of "My So-Called Life", but seeing some potential there, I called upon the valuable information I learned in the extension course "Fundamentals of Comic Animation" and worked in these little characters lined up across the bottom of the screen, looking like a guy and a couple of robots. Then I got Kyle to sneak over from Rancho de Raunch, and we dubbed in some -- umm -- commentary.
Gonna run a sneak preview tonight after the girls get finished inflicting severe damage on our patrons' eardrums. Anything oughta have 'em rolling in the aisles after THAT! (Provided they aren't rolling anyway, whimpering and clutching their ears in severe anguish.)
This should be good!
Valenti strolls off, flexing needle-nosed pliers constructed of hand carved maple and vine cuttings purposefully.
Cameraman: Oh it's you, has your virginity escaped yet?
Nope, i've got it right here
*Liz pulled Laurie into view by her ear*
I'm not gonna let her get away ever, ever again.
*Liz Smiles. Laurie screams*
Cameraman: Liz, I think I have to tell you something. Laurie is not your virginity. She's just a crazy girl that screams a lot.
*Liz looks disappointed, and let's go of Laurie, who screams with joy, before running wildly into the jello pool again*
Oh well, i guess i'll have to go look for it again.
Virginity!! Where are you??
JK: Everyone's too busy with the oral sex to talk.
Cameraman: Really?!?
JK: No.
Cameraman: Oh. Well, what's been happening then?
JK: It's been pretty quiet. We're all very happy about our slam-dunk win in the latest Challenge. We all pulled together pretty well for that. Now the teams will be even again, so that's a plus.
Cameraman: What else?
JK: Well, Tess is preggers, as I'm sure you've heard. We've been trying to pick names. Lizbot wants "Frolo" -- no idea why. The Sheriff made a nice little delivery room for her, complete with a bed with stirrups. That sly old fox has even been giving free gynecological exams to all the females. Isn't it amazing what you can get away with when you're a man in uniform?
Cameraman: What's new with Max?
JK: Still a whore.
Cameraman: And Isabel?
JK: Still a slut.
Cameraman: Are they still....?
JK: Oh, she still sluts his whore and he whores her slut from sun-up to sun-down. They both make time for the rest of us, though.
Cameraman: Now that Tess is pregnant, are you all a little bit leery of all the sexual activity going on around camp? Have you learned nothing???
JK (whispers): Wanna know a secret?
Cameraman: What?
JK (still whispering): I don't think she's really pregnant.
Cameraman: ???
JK (still whispering): It's clearly some kind of mind-warp.
Cameraman: How so?
JK (still whispering): Max is clearly still in love with Liz. They're soul mates. She's his destiny. Tess has clearly ensnared him in some trap! She's eeeeeeeeevil!
Cameraman: Dear God, you're talking like a�.
JK (still whispering): I'm. A. Dreamer. That's right.
Cameraman: Confessional over. Anything else before I take off?
JK: We're cooking the skunks we trapped on Tuesday for dinner tonight. You're welcome to stay.
Cameraman: Um, I'm due back over at Rancho de Raunchy.
JK: Your loss.
Drums beat, blah blah blah. Like I need this shitty job anyway. They tell me I'm going to be partying on an island with a bunch of young, nubile netlet stars, and instead I'm stuck at the Reject Resort picking Skin dandruff out of antelope fritatta while Riverdog runs around in a thong shouting, "I know how to restore YOUR balance, baby!" I'm speaking to my lawyer to see if there's anyway I can break this god damned contract. In the meantime, since I've been informed by the network that I'm still obligated to haul my ass up to Tribal Council, here are the votes.
Courtney's vote:
Agent Duff. She never gives me any of her rum.
Rath's Vote:
Thought she'd be ruff' and tuff'
with her afro-puffs
but since I forgot she was here
my vote's for Duff!
Word to your mutha's uncle!
Maria's Vote:
Duff. She hasn't done a thing for days except sit in her tent and take notes on what the rest of us are doing, and she's been unbearable since Topolsky left.
Duff will be joining us at the Rejects Resort right after she gives us her final words. And she better think again if she has any plans to keep the rum all to herself.
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On to next part - Round Seven and Eight