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Back to last part - Round Three
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Michael
Liz
Max
Maria
Kyle
You know the rules girls & boys. No checking outside sources(ie: tapes, transcripts, internet sites, blah blah blah) to obtain answers. Each team should appoint a spokesperson & that person must submit their team's answer via e-mail within 24hrs.
Good luck you sorry looking lot of hopefuls.
Thank you!
Cameraman: It's okay. How are you?
*Amy faints*
Cameraman: Damn it!
*drops camera and wakes her up*
I'm okay! I'm okay! Just a bit woozy...
Cameraman: You should really have someone check your ankle...
No... it's fine...
Cameraman: Um... what's up with you?
Well, I was telling the kids how my ankle hurt and they gave me something... I don't know what it was, but I feel gooooood...
Cameraman: Oh boy...
*Amy falls into a fit of giggles*
*in a tiny singsong voice* I feel goooood...
Cameraman: *yells off-screen* What did you give her? *everyone looks somewhere else*
*same voice* Gooooood...
*Sean yells in the background I got laid!*
*Betty smiles at camera*
Cameraman: For two days?
Hey, Max isn't the only one with all that stamina! Not that I know anything about his stamina or anything like that because I don't. How dare you suggest that I do?
Cameraman: I didn't.
Who are you and where's Mr. Monkey Fantastico?
Cameraman: It's his day off. I'm just a temp.
Yeah, well, I don't like you. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find Pierce and see if he'll let me borrow his tazer before the strip poker tournament we're having at Natural Causes tonight.
Cameraman: What are you gonna do with it?
Wouldn't you like to know!
Life, it's just so........big, isn't it? I mean, if someone was to die, like, tomorrow, it wouldn't really mean much would it?
Cameraman: I'm not too sure what you're talking about.
Do you think Sean and Betty were making babies?
Cameraman: Are you drunk?
Is Lizzie drunk? Who knows? Maxie made me some lovely drink for me to drink out of sea water and drink. it was really quite lovelsome.
Cameraman: Don't you think you should get some rest? Oh wait, I don't care that much.
*singing* Two cute soulmates, sitting on the wall,
Two cute soulmates, sitting on a wall,
And if one cute soulmate, should accidently fall.............on top of the other one,
There'd be many baby soulmates, sitting on a wall.
Cameraman: This inverview's over
Bye bye viewers, I love you all!
Granolust Tribe answered:
We saw Michael's blue undies in 285 South, Liz's polka dot bra in The Pilot, Max's boxers and wife beater in The Morning After, Maria's red bra in Heat Wave, and Kyle's plaid Calvin Klein boxers in Ask Not.
Undie sightings: one of the reasons we watch the show.
Rancho de Raunchy Tribe answered:
Liz- The Pilot
Maria- The Morning After
Max- The Morning After
Michael- 285 South
Kyle- Ask Not
And the correct answers would be:
Michael: Missing (boxers & black t-shirt)
Liz: The Pilot
Max:The Morning After
Maria: Heat Wave
Kyle: Ask Not
Congrats to the Granolust Tribe. Enjoy your immunity! Rancho de Raunchy will be voting yet again. I'm sure you're lovely host Just Peachy will be around soon to tell you when voting will take place.
The votes for this Tribal Council must be in before midnight tonight.
Shit! Where the fuck am I? Somehow, I bet this is all Kattim's fault. Piece-o-crap writer. Guess I should find my way back now but it's awefully dark out there. Probably a lot of bugs or somethin' waitin' for me. I hate bugs.
Rath looks into the flame and squints his eyes. Slowly he becomes aware of a figure standing behind the flame. The wind picks up and the flames grow in size and then subside. Rath stands, and sees "The Primitive."
A half naked black chick in rags! Damn! I ain't know Janet was tryin' that look again. Hey baby, what's up?
Primitive: This is a form Rath. I am the Guide.
So you're not Janet Jackson?
Primitive: No.
So you're a guide? Guide like a half-naked Native American guy in the desert or like I'm on acid and I need help findin' my way out of the snake infested pits of hell that have appeared in my mind guide?
Primitive (slightly annoyed): Do you have a question?
I got one! Let me think for a second.
Twenty minutes later.
Primitive (cough): Really Rath, any question at all. How about I tell you the meaning of life? When you will die? The ingredients in a Twinkie? What a woman really wants?
Nah, I don't want to know that shit, its useless. You know, people been tellin' me that I stink or somethin! I don't get that. What am I supposed to do about that?
Primitive: Take a bath Rath, there's a crocodile infested pool of water behind me. Next question.
But, wouldn't that kill me?
Primitive (tilts her head and shrugs): The bath, no. The crocodiles, perhaps . . .
Look, I made a "vowel" that I would cease and desist having mindless sex with the other iz-landers and myself on television. Since then I've been actin' all crazy. It's like I can't do anything!
Primitive: You think you're losing your ability to love?
How the fuck you get that from what I said?
Primitive: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Slayer? I'm not a Slayer, what the hell you talkin' about? I'm an alien or somethin'. Actually I'm a genetic replica of an alien but baby I'm all man. I can prove it to you if you'd just make your way a bit more over here so I can unwrap the present that is your "bod-ace."
Primitive: Rath! You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire, blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
"Brighter than the fire?" You talkin' about Zan? You sure you got the right person? I know I'm not the brightest bulb in the tree, but you don't have to get all "Con-fus-e-ous."
Primitive: Yes, this is for you. You are full of love, soul stuff, brighter than fire, blinding, pulling away from it blah, blah, blah inspirationalcakes.
I heard you the first time chick. You sure you don't mean, "full of," somethin' else that starts with a "c" ends with a "m" filled with you know who in between?
Primitive: Rath! Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the Slayer forges strength from pain.
So you're sayin' I should go on a murderin' spree?
Primitive: No Rath! Not yet. Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.
Damn it chick! I've been tryin' to understand but you just ain't makin' no sense. Your worse than that Liz Parker chick! Shit! Speak English or somethin'! Is the gift a person? Perhaps a crazy-hot chick with big, yummy, creamy, white, luscious chick-boobs?
Primitive: Chick-boobs? What the hell . . . Rath! Love will bring you to your gift.
You know, you like a freakin' broken record. You come up out of nowheres lookin' like the Mummy or somethin. Your dreads look funky hell. You tell me I need to take a bath. You start talkin' about love 'n gifts 'n shit. Then you don't even get naked! What's the deal! Love is gonna' lead me to some gift or something?
Primitive: Yes, death is your gift.
Death is my gift?
Primitive: Yes, death is your gift.
What the hell are you talkin' about? Listen! You told me I need to talk a bath or somethin' and I got that. Then you start gettin' all "myst-e-cal" on me. What's the deal?
Primitive: I can't believe I have to spell it out for you, you idiot. It is now time for you to bring peace to the millions and millions of organisms which inhabit your body. You must bath Rath! In the pool of water! The crocodiles will not harm you! Your filth will destroy them! You will have much meat for your tribe! You may get laid again . . . okay, maybe that last one was a stretch.
No! Can't you see that my life is falling apart!
Primitive: Yes, but do I care? Oh! Shave your head. You might also want to try losing a few as well. You might even look like your clone did in season one.
Listen chick! I will not change for you or anybody!
Primitive: You will never find peace until you do Rath! Your question has been answered.
The Primitive fades away as the flames grow and subside. Rath walks towards the pool of water.
I can't believe the nerve of that --
The Primitive briefly reappears and kicks Rath into the pool as crocodiles quickly attempt to engulf his body. Above thunder strikes and the skies turn black as Rath unleashes a scream ripped from the depths of his soul.
Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta welcome back my breakfast...
Amy's vote
Duff, again. I mean, where the heck is she? Have you seen her? 'Cause I haven't...
Given this new information, I must denounce the Granolust Tribe as winners & give all credit to the Rancho de Ranchy Tribe. Sorry Granolusts, but looks like you just weren't dirty enough to make the cut this time. So The Granolust Tribe must turn in their votes for Tribal Council by midnight tonight.
Sorry for the confusion folks. The public flogging of the Immunity Challenge Mistress will be taking place roughly at 12:30pm this evening. B.Y.O.B.(Bring Your Own Branch)
Well I was planning a volleyball tournament to celebrate our victory, but now my teams are all messed up.
So never mind.
Cameraman: So, who are you going to vote for?
*Looks at tree bark in his hand* Well, the teams will be more even if we vote off a guy. Pierce, I think.
WHEEEE!!
Cameraman: Shit!
*drops camera*
Cameraman: (OS) What are you doing? Get out of there! Don't you remember what happened last time?
Amy OS: We won monkey! we won!
Cameraman: (OS) Come on... *pulls her out*
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: Um, I think she'd be Mrs. Evans. You know, the one with the, um, bangs.
Oh. Well, I wish she hadn't gotten voted off, whoever she is. Duff needs to go. Whenever I pass by her near the Jello pool or wherever she happens to be, she gives me this freaky look, and I just know she wants me back in the hospital.
Mr. Monkey: The hopspital?
You must have seen it driving by. It's got that big sign in front, the sign that says PHYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL in really big letters...I guess they're so big so people know not to get too close, or something.
Oh, but you know what? You know that girl Ava? Helmet Hair, you know? Well, I think she's mad at me. I keep wanting to thank her for giving me back my sweater and making it smell like Grandpa again, but whenever I see her, I get this, you know, feeling.
*Mr. Monkey chokes* Mr. Monkey: Um, a feeling?
Yeah. Like I want to reach out and grab her. It's very, very strange. I mean, in the PHYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL the girls always used to do things with each other, but that was 'cause there were no boys around. But now...I mean, I was staring at Ava one day, and then she said, "Stop looking at my rack, yo', you crazy bitch." I totally wasn't looking at her "rack." I was looking at her chest. She's stupid.
Mr. Monkey: Um...yes.
But I don't think I really like her or anything...she just helped me get my grandpa's smell back in his sweater. I'm just happy about that.
Mr. Monkey: Um...yes.
We continue to be very grateful to our Lovely Immunity Mistress Slippy for her assistance in this game. Anyone who lifts a branch to her will be booted immediately.
*waves hands over turntables*
A Male annoucer's voice from out of turntables: Ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of DJ E-Z Ava D....
From the turntable: boom... chic.....b-boom, boom...chic....b-boom. .chic ..wanh. ...chic, chich,.. wanh, wanh..wiggety wiggety w-wanh..... b-boom, wanh, chic......b-boom, wigety.. wiggety , wiggety ,chic, wanh... boom, boom, ....cich. wanh. -w-w-wwanh, wiggety,.....w-w-w-w-wiggity, -b-b-boom
Male announcer's voice: Give it up for DJ E-Z Ava D
This is very upsetting! I gotta go get Pierce's tazer back just in case he gets voted off.
*Cameraman looks at her funny*
What? Don't make me come back here & use it on you! I miss Mr. Monkey Fantastico!
Camera guy: Yeah, but that happened a long time ago... it's not really her fault.
Who are you again? Oh that's right, a lowly camera man who's biggest gig to date has been filming Roswell Survivor. Ooh, that's a resume builder. Why don't you Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Camera guy: *silence*
That's what I thought. Maybe after this stellar credit you can get a job on a UPN show and really be a winner. Fuckass.
ANYWAYS, now I'm glad I decided to be the vocalist in 'Hooters From Outer Space' instead asking Maria to join. I can kick her ass on the mic anyday. And now we really are all 'Hooters From Outer Space'. I don't know what Porno's problem is... I'm rocking out on the bass thanks to Alex's lessons, Courtney's a natural on the drums, Lonnie and Tess are really getting the guitar chords down, and have you heard DJ EZ Ava D on the turntables? She's tiight. Mos def, the opening of the Road Kill Cafe is gonna GO OFF. Plus, now that we keep losing, our Rath penned hit 'To Hell With All of You' is more symbolic than ever. He was working on a new one for us called 'Tap That Ass', but when I went to look for him at the Ranch he was no where to be found. Maybe he joined in on that search for Kyle. I still don't think they've found him yet... Not that I mind because it means Max is too worried to want to have sex with me, so I have more time to work on my own song called 'Me and My Bitch'. It's about that special bond between a brother and a sister, from the sister's point of view. I really think everyone is going to identify with it. Well, they will if they have a brother or sister they're sleeping *cough* I mean close with.
Camera guy: *silence*
You know what? You're boring me. I'm going to Natural Selection for some coffee. Don't bother following me there or you'll disappear just like Kyle.
Camera guy: *runs away*
Cameraman: No luck with the search, huh?
We've been everywhere. We walked all over those random green mountains that just popped up out of nowhere last week, over to the natural hot springs -- of course, we lost some time when Rath decided to jump in and show us all how to make-your-own-bubbling-jacuzzi. Crack ass dupes. He's cleaned himself up a bit, so the stench is better, but he's still freakin' repulsive. That hair is horrific. What the hell is that look for? Huh?
Cameraman: Hey, hey, put your hand down. It was just a muscle spasm.
Listen, Mr. Monkey Fantastico might be able to get away with that shit, but unless you're willing to assume the position, don't even, OK? OK.
Hell, we even went over to that place with all the alien squiggles laid out on the sand. You know, where Isabel and I got in on last year? No Kyle, though. The tribe is falling apart. I mean, I'm doing my best here. This morning, I did my own set of push-ups, trying to boost some morale. But with only 2 or 3 bowls of cereal in me, I just didn't have the strength. I got to about 10 . . . OK, fine, it was 5 . . . before I booted all over Ballbreaker. Thank god she's pretty much a man anyway, and didn't get all girly squeamish on me. The push-ups didn't seem to be working in any case. They just made Brody cry even harder. I think it was because I reminded him too much of our sweet Kyle.
When you sleep spooned up next to a guy for a couple of weeks, it's hard to get through the night alone. Well, not really alone. I'm still sharing a tent with Courtney and Maria. I can tell they've both been pretty distraught. The girls can't even get through the night without moaning and whimpering from their side of the tent. It's sweet how close they've gotten these past few days, comforting each other. So some good has come of it. But Maria says that she doesn't feel right finishing what we started down by the river that day with Kyle lost and alone out there. I might have pushed the issue a bit, but then she took me aside and said that if I find Kyle, I'd be both her and Courtney's brave, handsome hero. And they'd find ways to reward me. Together. In the jello pool.
WE HAVE TO RESCUE KYLE!
I really think that the Maxhole had something to do with this. Let me tell you, if I find out that I'm missing out on both Kyle AND Maria loving because of . . . I mean, if Kyle's been put in danger because of those Granolosers, I'll show Max fuckin' ephemeral.
I can't believe we still can't find Kyle. I was going to suggest we vote him out so we could stop looking, but now we won. Yeah! I can't believe people had trouble remembering that I flashed my bra way back then. I insisted on it 'cause they let Liz show off her stupid little polka dots before me. It's bad enough that everyone acts like that dolt of a robot is all that, but there's no way I was going to let her be the only one flashing the camera.
Michael's really upset about Kyle missing. Those two have gotten really close since we got here; I think it's because Max isn't around to bug them with all his nonsense. But at least Michael is too worried about Buddha Boy to notice how tight Courtney and I have been the past couple of days. I think we've redefined the concept of making up after an argument. Anyway, I gotta jet, as Alex would say. We're going out for one more patrol to see if we can find Kyle.
We've been discovering new ways to have fun with my alienness and her humanness..are those words? Do I care? Anyway...Hey, did you know that when we combine energies, we can sort of perfect our jello pool jacuzzi?! We strengthened the jets, positioned them better...and Maria even added a cool new feature: waves! I hadn't expected before to be connecting with her, of all people, but I figure it's natural to be curious and experiment, as an alien, with a human. So that's what we've been doing to pass the time while Michael tries to find Kyle.
Speaking of Mikey...I love how much effort he's putting into this. That's my big, strong, handsome leader at work! I don't even mind that Maria promised him a good time in the jello pool afterwards, since she invited me to join, too. Besides, we can't show Michael our special wave...it's very special...without us both being there. I mean, without my powers or her human energy effect...it's just not the same.
Oh, here she comes now. Still no sign of Kyle I guess. She doesn't look too happy. I guess I'll go and cheer her up. I've done that a lot since that Rath incident (poor Rath hasn't been as much fun since he took that no-sex oath...he stinks less, though). Hey...maybe we can...what if we made a whirlpool? Oh, I know she'll love that idea, she's so darn creative! I gotta go now.
Cameraman (Mr. MF): Yeah, that temp went home crying or sick or dead or something, they dragged me back here. Can't do anything right without me anyway - did you see what happened with that immunity challenge?
Yep. And I heard something about the sheriff's son being missing.
Camerman: Yeah, they're going nuts over in the other camp. How'd you hear?
Isabel's last band rehearsal.... I play bongos. Anyway, it was up on the bulletin board. Maybe someone should look at this clue I just found.
over-dramatically pulls a bone out of his knapsack
Camerman: Dear God! Is that Kyle?
What? No, of course not. I don't think it is anyway. I'm talking about what's imprinted on it.
close-up of a big glowing heart and the words "M.E. + K.V."
Haven't you noticed Max hasn't been around lately? Put two and two together, man! You get... 5? I don't know. The point is I had absolutely nothing to do with him being missing. See, because I'm handing over evidence.
Cameraman: Yes, thank you. We'll send this to Rancho right away.
I just want him to be safe and all. I'm starting to like that Valenti. It's the healing power of designer coffee. With vodka mixed in it. And without the coffee. Y'know, I had problems with my daddy...
Cameraman: Alright, we don't need to do this here.
Always distant, always off shooting other people's lives while I was desperately crying out for attention-
Cameraman: Oh give me a break!
You were never around, Mr. Monkey Fantastico! You were never a real father to me!
Cameraman: Cut! Commercial!
Damned has it been a busy few days. First, I had to track down Ava and get back the sunglasses. Then, I had to get Courtney and *cough*wrestle*snort* the lotion away from her. I was starting to peel.
Oh yeah, and I've been informed that your name, cameraboy, is Mr. Monkey Fantastico.
Mr. MF: So you finally noticed.
Yeah, sure, cameraboy.
At any rate, back to the interesting shit. I had just settled down to enjoy a day without threats of rat fritatta when Michael came up to me. Apparently, he would remove all my rights to his... favors... if I didn't help find Kyle.
And let me just say now that Kyle is a damned slippery bugger. Can't find him anywhere.
Well, then we find out that we have this immunity challenge. First we loose, and then we win. Well, I've always liked winning better than losing. Not to mention that we are truly the more sexually primed tribe. I mean, who wouldn't remember the first time they saw Maria's bra?
(His sister has his vote and told us it was for Whittaker. Something about not being able to provide sufficient oral pleasure...)
Cameraman: I noticed you didn't vote last time.
Oh, yeah. I woke up buried in my own skin peelings, and it took me two hours to escape.
Cameraman: So who are you voting for?
Katims, again. I saw him sneak into Max's tent last night, dressed exactly like me. What a creep. I'm not worried though; Max would never be fooled by it.
Cameraman: Uh-huh...
Monkey: Are you okay?
Yeah. No. My head hurts.
Monkey: It's called a hangover. Us humans, and monkeys get them a lot.
Oh.........Listen, Monkey, I think I did something last night.
Monkey: Oh really, what did you do??
I think...One sec... *Liz presses a button behind her ear* Yep, i've lost my virginity. Oh wait, i've lost my virginity!!!! Nooooooo!!!!!
Monkey: Really? That's fantastic!
No it's not, i'll never be cool again!!!
Monkey: Oh yes, virgins are cool, aren't they. Do you know who it is?
No idea!!! *sob* It could be anyone!
Monkey: So here we are. The big questions: Where the hell is Kyle? And who lost Liz's virginity, and where can she find it? This should be interresting...
Kyyyyyylllllle!
In light of recent events, I've been asked by our Executive Producers, Mr. Ron Moore and Mr. Jonathan Frakes, to make a special announcement. Roswell Survivor disclaims any and all responsibility for the actions of any of the tribe members, including but not limited to any unspeakable acts of perversion they may inflict on their fellow contestants. Roswell Survivor is not under any legal obligation to interfere with the conduct of the competitors, or to refrain from filming any of their actions if we should be lucky to capture these moments on camera. By providing the tribes with prophylactics, jello, leather straps, handcuffs, cat o' nine tails, or any other device that can conceivably be viewed by sick individuals as erotic aids, Roswell Survivor has in no way condoned, encouraged or sanctioned any illegal or immoral activities that may occur on Roswell Island.
Furthermore, it has come to our attention that certain comments with regards to our brilliant production and writing teams have been spread around the internet. The Executive Producers deny all rumors to the effect that they enjoy passing the crack pipe around at meetings. The legal staff will take prompt legal action against anyone who publishes such defamatory comments, and is prepared to use its pawns over at Roswell Survivor Fan Forum to hunt down any offenders.
Well, now that that's taken care of, on with the voting!
Katims
Whittaker
I'm voting for Whittaker. Sorry lady, your way too old and your Lord of the Flies thing really scares me.
Sean
Vote for Whittaker. Bye-bye dandruff girl!
Max
Vote for Whittaker
Katims
This fucking sucks. Whittaker and her molting skin are gone.
Bitterly,
Isabel
Geez, I don't know anymore. Eeny meeny miny... Whittaker? Yeah. What's she done for me lately?
~Grant
Darn, I'd set myself up to not vote for anyone, and now I have to vote for someone. Life is unfair. Oh well, I'll go for Whittaker, for no real reason at all. I would vote for Sean, but I know he still loves me, so I'll let him stay.
Liz
Grrr. We shouldn't even be here. But as long as we are, I'm voting for Whittaker.
Alex
So it looks like Whittaker's decision to go sans moisturizer was a strategic misstep. Having flakes of her skin falling into the food at dinner was a serious turn-off. Stay tuned for Whittaker's Last Words!
And don't forget to stick around to hear more about the excitement we have planned for you this May on the Frog: On this week's Felicity, Ben will be choosing between the title character of the show and an Interchangeable Blond WB Guest Star of the Week, and Elena and Gnoll worry about whether Joey will leave Pacey for Dawson. The Charmed Ones will be harnessing the Power of Three to determine if Dawson will win Joey from Pacey. And finally, those ungrateful fucks over on Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be fighting the battle of their lives -- to keep Pacey from losing Joey to Dawson. It's a month of excitement!
Mr. MF: Yeah, she did.
Ah. One less skin. Too bad. I guess her decision to go au naturel killed her in more than one way, eh?
Mr. MF: What do you mean?
I mean... aw fuck it. I don't know what I meant. I'm really bad at this being funny shit.
Mr. MF: And you're just now figuring this out?
Watch it, Monkeyman.
Mr. MF: My name is Mr. Monkey Fantastico.
Oh, whatever.
*stands up and wanders off* Kyyyyle!
Cameraman: That's interesting. Want to get moving with this? These are your last "words", not your last "pages".
I understand that. I just want to get it straight that I'm very resentful of the rest of my tribe. That was very rude (not to mention stupid) of them to vote off the only cook in the whole tribe. Everyone else is so busy going off into the woods alone together, no one else will have any time to whip up the meals like I do. And I know you all can tell how much this tribe loves to eat...think about it. We've got Michael, for one...and Kyle, and Rath (that poor, poor boy). They are quite large boys - they eat a LOT! But, no hard feelings anymore, because I feel that my multiple services are put to much better use here, in the Rejects' Hotel. Do you know how many hundreds of people sit around here? I can cook so much more now, and so many more exotic foods, too! And, the best part, the people here actually appreciate my unique brand of cooking, and they're all very thankful for my Betty Crocker Cookbook. It's nice to feel wanted. I'm not used to that - look at how much Phillip is gone! And my children! I think I'm in for some appreciation, how about you?
Cameraman: Yeah, I suppose. Though I understand why everyone feels the way they do about your cooking. It pretty much sucks.
Well, that's your opinion, but I think it was basically appreciated. You know what? People should understand the amount of work that goes into preparing such extensive...
The camera fades out, strains of Bangs' rant still audible... too bad no one can stand her, eh?
MF: You missed the tribal council.
Yeah, I know. I was really tired and my legs were a bit sore from... Well, you know.
MF: You and Sean still?
Yep. I'm thinking that since Whittaker's gone, we can add Pierce to the mix. That or I can have him on the side.
Liz has decided that she still sorta likes Sean. Did you hear, she 'lost' her virginity?
MF: She told me.
I saw her with Grant last night. You don't suppose... Nah. They couldn't have... Or did they?
I gotta go dig up some dirt! I'm so glad I brought this tape recorder with me.
*Amy comes right up to the camera*
Cameraman: Ah! You scared me...
Sorry... just a bit woozy lately... and dizzy...
Cameraman: Yeah, I know. So what did you do all day?
Searching
Cameraman: Searching?
I looked for Kyle... didn't find him... I was walking by Frazier woods and I heard something about Liz losing her virginity, so I looked for that too...
Cameraman: Did you find it?
No... I had to come back because...
Cameraman: Because...
Nevermind...
Cameraman: Come on! Tell me!
I'm gonna go play with my alien doll... I've been ignoring it for a while... poor thing...
Cameraman: Uh, he's working at the Granolust Tribe today.
Shit, was we got's to do around here ta get some friggin' respect? We won the immunity challenge, yo. And we gets your lousy ass in return.
Anywayz, yo, like a couple days ago Isabel shows up at our tribe. I'm like, yo, mah sistah, mah sistah. So we went out to the waterfall. She was feelin' all down 'cuz King Dick was living up to his title and what not. I'm like, guhrrllll! Zan tried that shit with me and you saw what happened. Met with the business end of a semi-truck. Yo Zan, was dat on your face!?! Oh yea, it's grill!!! Bwahahahah!! Dude, I crack my own shit up sometimes.
I told her that da boys is nice but, sistahs gotta look out for demselves. Like me and Ava. 'Course, helmet head is about as smart as a bag of rocks, but what evah. So we started talking about this new band and shit. "Hooters from Space". Dude, our shit is like tite!! We are soo da bomb. We were working on our new song "Get Off My Tits". Den she started cryin' and shit, talkin' about how it was soo unfair that the boys get to camp with their twins and us girls get seperated. Like, word. So, I told her she needed to relax and I'm like gettin' busy with one of my famous tongue baths on her, puttin' the potion in the motion of you knows what's I'm talkin' bout.
Then, the double mint twins come bursting through the woods screaming about Kyle's missing. I'm like, yo, you don't interrupt the Queen when she's tasting the Sugar Walls, know what I'm sayin'. Which, of course, they didn't. I told them to go find Topolsky and Duff. 'Cuz like, no one's seen them either. They probably got his ass tied up somewhere, which doesn't sound like a bad idea now that I think about. Dey was both close to Kyle, even if he was a little obsessive about Mr. Squiggles. The bad part is, telling Michael and Rath that Kyle might held be hostage and forced to be a sex-slave to Topolsky and Duff just whipped them both into a frenzy. Rath went screaming into the woods. Michael started cryin' talking about needing a hug and went to find Maria.
Den, I look up at Isabel's, like, gone. I'm like, son of a bitch. What's a girl got to do to have some privacy so she can have sex with her twin around here? Anywayz, I like got all depressed 'cuz I miss having Isabel as a cuddle bunny. I mean, she's like all tall, and soft, and curvaceous. Kinda like me without all the tattoos. *sigh* It took Ava, Courtney and six bottles of lotion to bring me out of my funk. But, I think I'm better. *sniff* Really, I am.
IISSAAAAAAABBBBEEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
Hopefully, now that we've gotten Bang's final words, she'll head over to Fan Forum to answer some burning questions from our audience.
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On to next part - Round Five and Six
