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Back to last part - Round Two
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Cameraman: Yup...
You wanna... *grin*
Cameraman: Okay... but you chase me this time...
Whatever you say...
Cameraman: Not really. You only had half the votes of Eddie.
Well, yes, but I'm still worried. There seemed to be a common theme going on: they were all grossed out by my "natural exposition."
Cameraman: (confused look)
From now on, I'm using twice the lotion as everyone else.
Cameraman: Is that a safe thing to d-
Are you sure you want to finish that sentence?
Cameraman: Hey, didn't Nicholas use that same line in-
Are you sure you want to finish that sentence too?
Cameraman: Whatever.
I hope Whittaker doesn't hold it against me that I voted for her. I didn't mean anything by it. Well, I'm in the mood for some of Jim's coffee.
Have you seen Alex lately?
Cameraman: Nope.
Damn shame that boy's dead.
Cameraman: Didn't they kill you off too?
Yeah but don't tell them that. The writers don't know the meaning of the word 'continuity.'
Cameraman: What's wrong?
Eh. Nothing. We're all a little out of sorts today, that's all.
Cameraman: Why?
Well, we had all wished Eddie would have left with a little more grace. Both Max and Isabel had agreed that Eddie was getting a little too close -- like there wasn't enough space. Smothering, ya know?
Cameraman: No. I don't have any id... Wait. Can you leave me out of this? Just talk, for chrissake.
Well, he was always just hanging around, not doing anything. And he was creepy. Tess caught him in one of her skank costumes the other day, and he's been trying to make things right with lots of attention and physical displays of affection. With everyone! It was just too much.
When the vote came down, he just cried and cried. He was all weepy and shit. Miserable.
Whittaker tried to comfort him, but he just freaked out and started ranting. Isabel took this inopportune time to ask him to leave the whistle. Jesus, what bad timing. Well, he went postal and jumped into the Orbmobile. Well, he didn't know what he was in for. One person can't push that thing! It's a fuckin' bus! Well, Isabel ran up, grabbed him by the hair and yanked the whistle away. He was still blubbing when we watched the Orbmobile gently veer into the oncoming traffic. Sad. So young, that vehicle.
Cameraman: Any other thoughts on the voting?
Well, I guess Grant has it out for me. How soon he forgets how I set him up with jailbait earlier this season. Well, I've got his number.
Cameraman: Well, I did hear about the Robin incident from Katims, but after the Star Wars confusion, I though we'd get your side of the story.
What did he tell you?
Cameraman: *recounts the post (above)*
Ha ha ha. He got it right this time. Every word.
Cameraman: Then why are you so happy? I thought you'd be humiliated.
Well, as it turns out, Isabel, Max, and Tess really go for the super hero bit. After I came out of the tent as the Boy Wonder and the whole tribe was there, I just pulled out the time-honored strip tease routine. Hey--it worked last time!
Cameraman: So what happened?
Let's just say that Isabel and Max decided to play the Wonder Twins, and Tess makes a wonderful Wonder Woman...
Mr. Monkey Fantastico: Uh, well, uh, no.
All right. I still think there's something going on, but it's keeping Mom out of my way, and she's not fighting with those FBI chicks all the time, so it's fine with me.
Anyway, I don't know about this thing with Courtney. She hasn't been around all day, and Michael's been gone most of the day too. I think she's trying to get between us ... and I don't mean between us like when we were spooning the other night. I should have known not to trust her.
I was hanging out with Lonnie and Ava today, and I guess aliens need to really watch how much they're out in the sun. Those guys put on sunscreen every five minutes, and they kept offering to rub some in for me. I don't know about those two.
Cameraman (skeptically): Really.
You know, I'm really not crazy. I was never crazy in the first place.
Cameraman: Oh.
Anyway, here's what's been happening. Apparently the sheriff's son--I can't think of his name, I think it's something like Lyle or Carl or something--he was just loaning Grandpa Bear to me. I wasn't supposed to keep him. At least that's Ava, the girl whose hair looks like a big pink helmet, said. She made me give it back, but I made her promise that Lyle would still call him Grandpa Bear, and still bathe him and feed him and attend to his many bodily functions like I've been doing.
Helmet Head also promised to wash Grandpa's sweater in the lake to get the Jello smell out of it. I hope it works.
Cameraman: Uh, me too. Good luck.
But anyway. Mrs. DeLuca has been trying to set me up with somebody. I guess she's planning to take out a personals ad for me. I made one this morning. Wanna see it?
Cameraman: Uh...
Look.
Blond, attractive SWF, 19 years old. Looking for a sensitive yet studly older man--preferably over sixty--who enjoys long walks on the beach and windy nights, and is also willing to share amusing memoirs and tales about grandfather. Will accept pay if necessary.
You like it?
Cameraman: Um, yes. Very much.
No, why should I?
Camera guy: Um, maybe because of the whistle thing?
What? The whistle needed to stay, and I had to insure that, no matter what the cost.
Camera guy: Alright then. Becoming a little unfeeling as the days go by?
No, I've felt plenty. Like when Max and I were dressed up as The Wonder Twins, and Max used his Wonder powers to make me have a two hour long orgasm, I've never felt so much in my entire life! It just makes me really thankful ya know?
Camera guy: Thankful about what?
The fact that Max is my brother and we're so close.
Camera guy: Oh. Right. Do your parents know you're this...um..close?
Of course, she promotes it.
Camera guy: *shaking head* Great. That's just great. So, what else has been going on? We haven't heard from you for a few days...
Yeah well all this constant sex has been wearing on me a little. I know I have extra endurance because of this whole alien thing, but I'm just not used to it is all. Anyways, I made a bass guitar out of various forest kindling, and got Alex to start teaching me how to play. I'm thinking of starting an all-chick band called 'Hooters from Outer Space'.
Camera guy: Nice name.
Thanks, that's what I thought. I think I'll recruit Courtney for drums, Tess for rhythm guitar, Lonnie for lead guitar, and Maria for vocals. Maybe we'll add Ava as a DJ. I know Maria writes her own stuff, but I think I'll try to get Rath to pen a few songs for us. I've heard through the rumor mill that he's been quite the songsmith over at Rancho de Raunchy.
Camera guy: You really have to hear him to believe it. I think he'll have a record contract waiting for him when he gets off the island.
Cool. I'd ask him to produce a record when it comes time, but I don't think I could stand being holed up in a studio with him for that long since he doesn't like to bathe.
Camera guy: True dat.
Plus, Lord knows we wouldn't get anything done with the way Courtney, Maria, Lonnie and Rath have become this incestual little circle that almost rivals me, Max, and Zan. Almost.
Anyways, I've gotta run and start plucking Alex... um I mean my bass.
Camera guy: Yeah?
Do your job! I tried to confess earlier today and there wasn't anyone here! The camera was just sitting here, but damned if I could figure out how to turn it on.
Camera guy: You just hit the button that says "power." I mean, this is Roswell Survivor. You thought we got the expensive and complicated equipment?
Ok, no attitude, human. Did you ever see the husk chamber? No? Didn't think so. Let's just say that the explosive unshielded glass tube explains it all.
*puts on sunglasses*
Camera guy: Dude, it's the middle of the night.
Shut the fuck up.
Lonnie ignored me again today, so I figure two can play at this game. Michael came over to my tent early this afternoon to invite me to go fishing. There we were, actually catching fish and just doing guy bonding stuff, when that Courtney girl showed up. Well, she showed up ready and willing, so who were we to complain? Let's just say that we weren't just eating fish.
*Sigh* Fuckin' Topolsky!!
Cameraman: What's up?
This day has gone to complete and total shit. Okay, so like me and Ava were down by the waterfall and Ava's about to give me a tongue bath...Wait, let me start from the beginning.
Cameraman: Um, can't we just start from the tongue bath.
Shut up! Anyways, Rath was teaching Michael how to rap. And Topolsky walks up and is all like "Ooh, twins. I bet you're both alike." 'Course, them being guys...and morons, they go along with it. And Topolsky's all like "Yea, but which one's bigger". So, they both whip'em out, and you know they're dupes right. And aliens.
Anyways, over the years Rath's developed a 'special skill'. Ya know, to make him more 'endowed'. Anyways, Michael sees Rath blowin' his shit up and he's like "Yo, you got's to show me some of that". So, Rath does. Now they're both making their schlongs grow. Only this is all new to Michael and it starts growing. I mean GROWING. It's like winding all through the camp and shit.
Me and Ava are chillin' by the waterfall, next thing I know I hear this sound. You know, like in da "Evil Dead" when that shit was chasin' Ash through the woods.
Cameraman: Ooh, creepy.
Yeah, no shit. I hear this shit next thing I know, I look up and there's this johnson working it's way through the woods. It smacks Ava right in the eye. I mean, we just got the left one to stop swelling, and here he comes smacking her up in the right eye. She falls into the water. I dive in after her, pull her out. I start trying to give her mouth to mouth and Nicholas jumps from out of nowhere, dives between her legs talking about needin' to resusciate her and shit. So, I gotta beat his ass off her.
'Course, ya know, with Ava and her helmet hair, Michael's dingly-dangly hittin' her head was like trying to mate with a brick wall, from a 40 ft drop. So he starts, um, shrinking. And like Fast. It's whipping through the camp. Laurie starts screaming, again. Duff pulls out her gun and tries to shoot it. The bullet ricochets off Brody's hair. He goes down like a screaming bitch. Nicholas runs over and dives between his legs, talking about needing to resuscitate him. The bullet nicks Kyle in the thigh, 'course Courtney's all over him with her bottle of lotion. Bangs panics and starts cooking. Michael's rolling around on the ground in pain.
Then, Maria and Topolsky start getting into it. Maria's all pissed 'cuz with Michael injured she'll "never get none". They fall into the Jell-o pit and start wrestling. Amy's standing on the sidelines smokin' a fatty talking about "Yea, well wait 'til u hit 40! THEN you'll no the meaning of 'not gettin' none'". Rath's running around the camp waving his 10-foot johnson around like a lasso, rappin' about "goin' down on the range".
*Sigh* And to top it all off, I STILL haven't gotten a tongue bath!
Cameraman: I could give you a tongue bath.
The Hell!! Unless your name's Mr. Monkey Fantastico, you ain't givin' me shit!!
Isabel's been pestering me to let her audition her new band, "Hooters From Outer Space". She wants me to let them be the headline act when we open the "Roadkill Room" next Saturday night. She doesn't really have a band. She's never played an instrument in her life. I don't think she can sing, either, but she's going to get the job. Guess why? Because I get to pick the costumes. With a body like that, dressed the way I'm going to dress her, believe me, nobody will care. She can sound like Yoko Ono singing Barry Manilow covers and the place will still be packed.
Sometimes I feel like Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca", with a steady stream of hysterical people coming into the cafe asking for help. Today, for example, Max came in, he was very upset. Apparently he's been having a problem with chest stubble and wanted to know how I keep mine under control. I calmed him down, and after a plate of french fried frog's legs (at least I think they were from a frog), I told him about a little known herbal depilatory used by the Ubans of Botswana. Anyone who's ever met an Uban, can vouch for the fact that they're just about the smoothest people on this planet. I told him I'd try to mix up a batch this afternoon and he seemed reassured.
No sooner had I gotten Max calmed down than Jason Katims came racing in, all out of breath, to tell me that Eddie had been killed. It's going to be several weeks before the 'merge', and no one knows what to do with the body. Good thing I took that extension course "Taxidermy and Leathercraft for the 21st Century". I told them to bring poor Eddie around the back of the restuarant, that I'd keep an eye on him until we can arrange a proper burial.
Well, gotta run, almost time for the dinner rush, and I've got a skillet full of escargot on the fire, sauteeing with some wild garlic (at least I think they're escargot).
Jim
Cameraman: Nope.
Oh, come on... please...
Cameraman: Sorry, I really don't know!
Oh, well. There's some weird stuff going on around here... but I'll tell you later...
Whittaker is convinced that there's an alien spacecraft submerged in the swimming hole. She attempting to dredge it using a bucket. She's furiously running back and forth carrying buckets of water, shrieking like a banshee. Of all the people in the tribe, she's the one who's gone Lord of the Flies the most. She's got the warpaint smeared on her cheeks, her hair is teased out like she's Sheena of the Jungle on crack and she speaks in tongues. We think she just scored some magic mushrooms off the Forest Trolls.
Oh, and did I mention that Max has taken to wearing nothing but loincloths?
*Betty plays the whistle while Lizbot contorts and screams when Betty hits a high note.*
Cameraman: Wow, that was beautiful.
Thanks. You think good enough to be in Isabel's band?
Cameraman: I don't know.
Anyway, Pierce has been very kind to me since I shocked the hell out of his ass with his tazer. He's even offered to comfort me a bit. Seeing that me and Eddie were starting to get close, I've been taking his death a little hard.
And Whittaker, well, she asked me to rub some lotion on her the yesterday, you know, to keep her skin from flaking *shudders*. And then Pierce came in and got all excited and started stripping.
Did you see it when Alex was stripping?
Cameraman: No, I missed it.
It was quite a show. I'm gonna try to get Alex to do an encore performance tonight.
Cameraman: What happened with Pierce & Whittaker?
Pierce was trying to get his pants off when he fell and landed on his tazer. That ruined the mood so I left and went skinny dipping with Tess and Grant.
Well, I gotta go. I promised Jim that he & I could do a little role playing with Max and Isabel, if ya know what I mean. And I think you do.
Cameraman: Oh yeah...
*thumbs up and a proud smile*
My boy's good as new. The process took all day though, so we had to go where it was real quiet so no one would know what we were doing. Michael was so happy to have his thing working again, he just jumped up and started running back to camp screaming, "Maria, I've got a surprise for you!"
Do you see all the thanks I get?
So take today off. Tomorrow afternoon we'll give you the full details of what you'll be looking for in the next episode.
Cameraman: Rath, what are you doing?
I'm a little dizzy or somethin'. All the blood rushed outta my friggin' head.
The Cameraman notices Rath rubbing his pant leg.
Cameraman: I heard about that -- is there something wrong with your leg?
Oh! My leg is fine. How is you? Sorry about that exorcision shit I pulled a few days ago.
Rath continues to rub his leg.
Cameraman: S'okay . . . are you sure there's nothing wrong with your leg?
Are you friggin' deaf? I said there's nothin' wrong with my leg. Get that into ya' thick skull will ya' Jeeze!
Cameraman: Okay -- I get it. So what's going on?
Nothin' really. We's all waitin' for da' next challenge 'n shit. We's gonna' see what goes down now. The other tribe been loozin' peoples left 'n right. I don' know what's gonna' happen dis time though.
Cameraman: How's your lil' fling with Topolsky goin'?
I've given up on 'er. We had an "in-cee-dent" the other day. You know, I was sittin' around with da' lotion tryin' to help her out you know. Tryin' to "ring dat bell." She said 'er skin was dry or some shit. So I'm there, gettin' my groove on when she starts doin' all this funky gymnastics shit. She was throwin' her leg one way and then the other, so I'm all, "Leg here? Leg there? What is this? A frickin' art movie or somethin'." She just kept goin'.
So, I'm all, "Hey chick, I know I'm good but you can calm down ya' know -- yer freakin' me out." Dat girl though, she don't listen! She starts gettin' all crazy tellin' me where to rub her and touch her and I'm all, "It's just lotion chick!" 'n shit.
Then, outta no where, she throws her legs over my head and I fall right in! If you know where I mean and I think you do! That's the eighth time that's happened! Lonnie pulled me out though before I ran out of breath though. She ain't tell me where came from but I was happy to see her. I think I seen Riverdog, Alex and Grandma Claudia in there!
Continues to watch Rath rub his leg.
Cameraman: Are you sure there's nothing wrong with your leg?
No, I said there's . . . oh! I get it! You think dis is my leg? That ain't my leg bub.
Cameraman: Oh! That's what I was thinking cause . . . that's sick Rath.
Look! I've had a really hard day in more ways dan one. I was showin' my dupe Michael a trick 'n shit and he goes all crazy abusing "the force" or somethin'. He goes and hurts my Ava with his schlong. I mean, come on! That guy can't do shit. First he nearly killed us with his big, luscious, yummy, creamy, white, man-boobs and now he's tryin' to put Ava's eye out.
Cameraman: Did you really need to do all of that description?
No, but it was funny as hell watchin' da' expression on yer' face.
Cameraman: I can't believe I took this job . . . this job sucks . . .
Hey buddy! I know I tied you up the other night and everything but unless your name is Mr. Monkey Fantastico you ain't suckin' jack shit!
Cameraman: So, do you want to share any details with us?
Well, it was really great, better than I imagined it would be, but I'm pretty sore. I don't remember Michael being that big, but he said Rath and Courtney helped him reach his full potential. Anyway, Michael said Courtney is pissed at him so I'm going to ask Lonnie and Ava to put some lotion on me. They told me that would relieve the soreness.
*Maria gets up to leave, then turns back* Hey, you're not going to tell my mother about this, are you?
Cameraman: No, but you know this is on TV, right?
Yeah, of course, but she can't watch it while she's here, so I'm cool.
Me? I'm peachy. Have you tried Jimmie's Wilderness Cocktail?
Cameraman: Can't say that I have.
That's some good stuff. I'm down right tipsy. I'm so tipsy, I let Whittaker rub lotion on me and then I found Sean and cleaned some dirt outta his mouth. And I listened to Liz tell me about how she thought that Max was her soulmate but now Sean is. And then I threw up on her. It was funny, I mean even that hairy not hairy anymore Grant guy laughed.
Cameraman: Oh really?
Uh-huh. Would you like me to clean some dirt out of your mouth Mr. Monkey Fantastico?
Cameraman: I think it's time for a commercial.
Hey, dude, I had issues, OK? Get off my back.
Cameraman: Take it easy, I'm just saying.
Yeah, well, you'd be a little defensive too if you'd had someone trying to put a plug in your dick, OK?
Cameraman: Well, it does put new meaning to the phrase, "keep it in your pants," now, doesn't it?
You know, you may seriously want to consider parking the attitude back on the mainland, because I'm in a pisser of a mood.
Cameraman: I don't get it. It seems like you should be a pretty happy man right about now.
Oh yeah, real happy. Maria just came by, all giggly and happy that we've finally gotten "so close." Which would be great, fantastic, amazing, you know, if I hadn't been with Courtney getting my dick readjusted at the time.
Cameraman: Well then, who . . . Oh.
Exactly. That goddamn freakshow impersonated me in the woods with Maria. I put in time, patience . . . you can't even begin to guess how many relationship conversations I've suffered through, and do I get any nookie out of this? Of course not. My agent and I are going to have a long talk when I get the hell outta here. I specifically asked for a clause stipulating much nookie WITH Maria this year. Instead, they wrote it up so I have to kiss, fondle and make out with every girl who appears on the show EXCEPT Maria. This bites. Well, apparently bites everyone except me.
Cameraman: You know, that explains a lot.
And hey, I'm not going to lie and say I haven't been enjoying it. Courtney's in need of a good dermatologist, but she's a fun time. And Kyle's no Max, but not everyone can be born with the Evans family genes, after all. But Maria, it's special with her.
Cameraman: Aw, so it's love.
Well, duh, of course it's love. But I was referring to those lips. Have you seen that pouty look of hers? Damn. How do you think we lost control over that whole elongation thing? Lose concentration for a split second, and it's all over. Well, all over the camp, anyway.
Point is, Maria is the only one of them I wanted, and now Rath's gotten his greasy hands (and I mean that literally) all over her. How the hell could she think I was him, anyway? You can't shapeshift that stink off him.
Cameraman: I don't think anything less than a few rubber hoses and the industrial strength brushes they use to clean circus elephants would would make a dent in that stench. Mmmm, rubber hoses . . .
Hello, doing a confessional here? Hell. I finally get everything in working order, go to take L'il Brendan here for a test drive, and Maria is nowhere to be found. Thank god for Kyle -- he's a true friend, man. I totally underestimated him at first, what with that creepy thing he once had for Liz. But he explained that he's part 'bot through his great grandmother, so he had a bit of a fetish. Now that I've got to know him, it turns out he's real standup. Finally, another guy who can talk sports and chicks without getting all goopy on me. And he can suck cock like a mo fo. Seriously, Max is so dropped.
I showed Rath to take on Maria when I'm not there to share in the fun, though. I waited until dark, and then carefully watched until everyone had gone down by the river to watch Ava and Lonnie's synchonized swimming routine . . .
Cameraman: Synchonized swimming? Those two? I wouldn't have pegged them for type to enjoy athletics.
Well, they have kinda a unique interpretation of the sport. Let's just say, not so much emphasis on the swimming. Anyways, once the camp was deserted, I knew what I had to do. Calling upon my particular brand of expertise in the area, I deftly broke into Rath's tent . . .
Cameraman: OK, sorry to interrupt again, but you do realize, it's a TENT, right? I mean, there's no doors or anything. So it's not really necessary to do much breaking, just the entering.
Listen, do you have honorary degrees from several of the finer institutes of advanced learning in this country for excellence in the field of fifth story work? Have you been asked to be keynote speaker at this year's syposium on Breaking and Entering: Facile Plot Development Device or Underused Dramatic Tool? No? Yeah, didn't think so. Just leave the thinking to the experts, OK cameraboy? Good.
So about 2 seconds after I entered, I found what I was looking for lying conveniently right on top of Rath's pillow. See, that's experience at work. His most prized possession -- his lubricating jelly. Using my alien powers I turned the jelly into an itching creme. This time tomorrow, no girl in this camp will get within 10 feet of him. Not even Nicholas, and that little shrimp is desperate.
Cameraman: OK, so I admit that I don't have your vast wealth of experience in these matters, but couldn't you have just used your powers directly to make him itch? I thought that was one of your specialties.
Hello, does this look like Season 1 to you? Yeah, exactly. Next you're going to be asking why don't I just heal someone, just because I could do it in that one episode. Some people just don't keep up. Now I BLAST things. Apparently, though, I just get one power at a time, so the whole itching thing is done.
Fucking, ouch!
Cameraman: Good afternoon Rath. Could you please state your full name for the record, sir?
Raphael Shawntiqua DeLaGetto.
Cameraman: Shawntiqua?
Whazz it to you!
Cameraman: Apparently, nothing. Well I came here today because I have certain questions which I'd like you to answer. Before I begin the questions is there anything that you have to say?
I have been made "awares" of some accusations which have been made against my person by another party. These accusations claim that I have been boffing dat Maria chick. I mean, having sexual relations with that Maria chick-type-girl. I would like to say, (points to the camera) I have not been having sexual relations with that Maria chick.
Cameraman: Have you been physically intimate with a Ms. Deluca?
Mr. Monkey Fantastico, I think maybe I can save everyone on dis iz-land a lotta of time if I read a statement which I think will make it clear just what the nature of my relationship with Ms. DeLuca was and how it related to the statement I have just made. I also got it in my dome that this will make it possible for you to ask even more relevant questions from your point of view. So with your "percision" I'd like to read this statement which Lonnie and Ava are not whispering into my ear since I can not read beyond a eighth grade level.
Cameraman: Absolutely Rath, go right ahead.
When Rath was, oh wait! I mean, "I" was alone with Ms. DeLuca on certain occa-ze-ions in da early morning and night, whichever came first, I engaged in conduct that was wrong. These encounters did not consist of what you would call, sexual intercourse. Most women would call it, quick-and-easy ecstasy, but this was not so in Ms. DeLuca's case. My encounters with her did not constitute sexual relations as I understood that term to be defined in eighth grade Sex Education Class. Actaully, dat was the last time I waz in school. Anyways, these encounters did involve inappropriate intimate contact -- but it's not like she got somethin' I ain't seen before.
Each of these inappropriate encounters ended, at my insistence, two of three minutes after they started. I also had occasional conversations with Ms. DeLuca that included inappropriate sexual banter and comments on hair care products, much like I have had with Zan at the French Cafe' in New York with that cute waiter -- what was his name?
Cameraman: Jean Luc?
Yeah! Dat was it! I "congess." I regret that what began as a friendship came to include this conduct and I take full responsibility for my actions -- well, most of it anyways.
Cameraman: Alright then what do you define as sexual intercourse Mr. DeLaGhetto?
I thought the definition included something' like -- you know this (moves his hand) with the this (moves his other hand) and this down there (points his hand down) and the thing (holds up a finger) in the thing (holds up another finger and crosses them.) You know what I'm talkin' about! Da, wee-wee in the woo-woo. That's just ain't the way it happened! I think her definition of a sexual relationship is a bit skewed or somethin'.
Cameraman: So, you're saying Ms. DeLuca was lying?
Who's Ms. DeLu . . Oh! Maria! Hell no! You see, people define intercourse as different things 'n shit. Ava told me that, that the common understanding of, "boffin" implied that two people are having a sexual relationship. However, people can have these things without boffin' you know. So, if that�s what she calls "boffin" then what she's sayin' is the truth. I don't know what was in that chick's dome. But if that�s what she thought, then I guess that's what she believes to be true. However many people including Topolsky, Courtney, Lonnie, Ava, Zan and you Mr. Monkey Fantastico have shown me that there are many ways to get your rocks off without penis, vagina entry.
Cameraman: Aww, thank you! You're sweet.
In order to prove that I, Rath, am not a sex fiend I have decided to do three things. (Leans towards Lonnie)
I, Rath, have decided to take a bath in the crocodile infested waters by the waterfall as not to pollute our drinkin' water.
Cameraman: Go on Rath.
Second I will attempt to shave my head with Zan's Lady's Bick razor and third I will abstain from sex, with myself and with others, for the duration of my stay on this iz-land.
Cameraman: Well there you have it America. That's all for now from Roswell/Survivor.
Ava smacks Rath on the back of the head and whispers to him as Lonnie chuckles.
What the hell! Why didn't you tell me that's what abstain means! You know I don't know how to read! Crocodile infested waters! I could get hurt or somethin! I don't get this shit! What good are you? Huh! You seen me addressin' America! You coulda' interjected and said somethin'. Get outta' here! Damn you Fantastico! Damn you to hell! You set me up!
Cameraman: What? I had nothing to do with this!
Oh! And Fantastico! Lancelot Link was twelve times the chimp and five times the monkey than you'll ever be!
Rath stomps off into the jungle as a single tear rolls down Fantastico's cheek.
It's April 30th, day eight. I'm Liz Parker, and you know when some people say that history repeats itself, well they're right. Last night I (sniff) saw Sean..........cleaning a whole load of dirt out of Maria's mouth. Well okay, i know it was Betty really. But still, she lookes like Maria, so it's all Maria's fault. I can't believe she would do that to me, after all i've done for her! I mean, we've been friends for, like, ever. I just can't believe she'd do that!!!
The reason I said history repeats itself is that, one time, I was going out with Max he was cleaning dirt out of Tess's's mouth, like, while I was watching! Well okay, he didn't know I was watching, but that's much too complicated to explain. Anyway, I don't wanna talk about that anymore, because it makes me all hurty inside.
I think Maria, or Betty (whatever) was trying to make up with me, by getting me covered in dirt from her mouth, so Sean would want me back, but he kept on saying "have you got ten pence for a cup of coffie I love you", so i don't know what's going to happen there. I'm thinking maybe he was drunk, like Max was that one time. I wonder who my real soulmate is; Max or Sean... I think Max probably is, because Max would never clean up some other girl. Except for that time he did with Tess, but that was all much more complicated. Like.
By the way, Mr Monkey person, can I stroke your fur please? Hey, maybe you could be my new soulmate!! Hey, where are you going?? You left your camera!!!
Cameraman: And?
It's up to Liz again... haven't they learned?
Cameraman: Why does that bother you exactly? They lose, you win...
Well, sure, but I mean, come on...
Cameraman: Yeah...
Anyway, guess we'll see tonight...
So all I need to do is say Alex five times? That seems strange. I mean, I know I don't say Alex as much as I say Max, but I do say Alex quite a lot, and some people get sick of me, especially when I say Alex over and over again. In fact, I like Alex so much that i'm not gonna do this challenge, because it would be disrespectful to him. I'm sorry fellow tribe members, but we're just gonna have to vote each other off again. Sorry.
My sunglasses! Give them back!
*runs offscreen*
*Ava comes across the screen heading the other way*
*sprints back on screen heading the way Ava just went* I'm just a little kid! Dammit, Ava! I'm gonna go cry to Michael and then you'll be in trouble!
*Ava heads back across the screen again, laughing wildly*
*Nicholas follows, screaming*
Aaaavaaaa!!!!
Liz is good for now, but Betty seems a little interested. She came up to me and we just started making out. I convinced Liz that I was just "cleaning the dirt out of her mouth."
Who would you choose? Liz or Betty?
Camera guy: I don't know. I'm not really supposed to be talking to you. It's in my contract.
Well..
::Rolls eyes::
Whatever. I figure I can just string them both along until one of them pisses me off or puts out.
::Shrugs and looks over. Smiles::
Betty's over there. I've got to go and get comfy with her under the chest hair blanket.
Cameraman: What?
Did you hear about the next challenge? We have to depend on the stupid bot to win again. Which might work this time, but I'm tired of pinning my entire d*****y on scrap metal. Jesus.
Cameraman: I'm diggin' the new outfit...or lack thereof.
You like the loincloth look? Yeah, all George of the Jungle and shit. Everyone else approves. Which is why I haven't been around lately. I've been tied up. Or actually, tied down. Isabel has been getting pretty demanding ever since that 2 hour orgasm. She's almost tiring me out. Almost.
Ok, gotta go change the molecular structure of some dirt and make whipped cream. We're having a party later, regardless of whether or not we win. And by party, I mean naked quivering bodies begging for my king dick. Basically it'll be the same as any other night, just this time we'll have whipped cream. And Jason Katims won't be around, staring at us like a creepy old lech either.
Later.
*adjusts loincloth and walks away*
Not that you're not real action Mr. Monkey Fantastico. But, well, I have to share you with so many others.
Cameraman: I understand.
Anyway, I have to go get ready. Sean and I are going to Natural Causes after the immunity challenge.
Do you think I should wear my hair up or down?
Cameraman: Down.
Thanks, Mr. Monkey Fantastico, I knew I could count on you. I'll see you later. *Betty winks at camera*
In the meantime, Rancho de Raunchy will be making the sad trek up to the Granolith Chamber to vote one of its members out.
All votes must be in by 9pm tomorrow. See you then!
Well, I'd better get busy working on those costumes for the band. Good thing I took that extension course "The History of Erotic Jungle Couture in Western Civilization". I'm going to see if I can get them all out of one squirrel hide. I think we'll need some fittings. Yeah...
Valenti-out.
Did Isabel tell you she went over to Rancho de Raunchy, I overheard Porno say Rath wrote her a song, did she see Kyle, how is he, has he lost weight, is he keeping up on his push-ups, do you think he thinks about me, what does he tell you, YOU'VE seen him, how does he look, does he talk about me, why doesn't he try to sneak over here, why can't we be on the same tribe, is his hair still shiny, do you think he's getting the telepathic messages I send him, he does meditation and stuff, is he meditating still, is he having sex with somebody else, I guess I can forgive him if he does, I am, but I know it won't mean anything, like it doesn't mean much, except when it's with Isabel or Zan, or even Tess, she's my female Kyle, I love Kyle, what does he tell you, do you think I should sneak over there??????? Oh god, I miss him so much!!!!
Cameraman: BREATHE!!!!
*stops, takes deep breath*
Oh wait, there's Isabel. I'll go ask her.
But luckily, he submitted his Tribal Council vote befefore he wandered off. He votes for Bangs. 'Cause he's not even sure who that is.
"Perhaps our resident Boy Wonder will be the third to win the coveted, if by coveted I mean feared above all other things, title of Liz's soulmate. Apparently, the Bot can't stop thinking of anything but him. Lucky Alex. - Just Peachy"
Oh please, Lord, no. *laughs good-naturedly* Liz and I have been friends for our whole lives, but it's not like that. I mean, I appreciate her attention for the past couple of episodes, but she should know me well enough to know that I'd rather her be a good friend to Maria right now than spend her life savings jetting off to Switzerland to investigate my death. We've just been friends for too long for it to get romantic, you know? I've always thought of Liz as a friend who will do my science homework, introduce me to hot girls, and you know she's always fun to laugh at, I mean with. S**lm**es? I don't think so.
Of course, there's another possibility . . . Maria says that a fissure opened up down towards the east side of the camp. Only some unnatural force could have caused the earth to split like that overnight. Yep. The Pecs. It's not enough that that whore has Isabel and Valenti, now he's got to steal away my sweet boy . . . er, I mean my good buddy. I'm sure Kyle if fighting to get away, but no one can withstand the power of the Pecs. Trust me, I know.
Well, before I go, I want to cast my TC vote against Bangs. I just gotta draw the line at cactus fritatta. I still haven't gotten the needles out of my gums.
I know. I've been busy... I think. It's hard to tell. This place is like a dream. A hot, wet dream. I wish all my other abduction experiences had been like this. At some point, though, it's all going to have to end and I'll have to get back to the search for information about aliens. The truth is out there, you know. Part of me wishes I'd ended up in the other tribe, because if you want to know the truth [lowers voice] I have my suspicions about that Liz girl.
Cameraman: Oh?
Yeah. Have you seen the way she walks? It's downright freaky. And the way she's unable to modulate the volume of her voice? That's an alien tendency, right along with the big cow eyes. I suppose I'll have plenty of time for that after the merge, and I wouldn't trade my spot in this camp for anything. I've made so many wonderful new friends - it's just like in the old days at my all-male British boarding school. The games we used to play... [reminisces silently, then shakes his head, sending spiny hair a-flutter] Anyway. I can really count on these guys, you know? Yesterday, I wandered out into one of the bull pens, and I must not have been quite myself because appartently I was trying to mount a heifer, but Nicholas came along and snapped me out of it before I hurt myself.
Cameraman: Or the heifer.
Right-o. He's pretty together, for a pubescent teenager. And those shades are dead sexy. But, [lower lip trembling] nothing's been the same since this morning, when we discovered Kyle was missing. I mean, if I wander off naked and hallucinating, no one bats an eye, but Kyle's not like that. I offered to help use some of my tracking equipment to locate him, but then I remembered that all I brought out to this stupid place was a picture of my daughter. And while that's great for sympathy from the chicks, it's not doing much to bring my Buddha boy back to me. [sniffles]
Cameraman: You okay?
No. Those FBI chicks are nuts. I woke up this morning and they were talking in a corner. I asked what they were talking about, and they jumped me!
Cameraman: What?
Yeah! They kicked me and pulled at my hair... My ankle took a beating more than anything else... See? It's purple...
Cameraman: Ouch...
Yeah... don't know how I'm gonna make it to tribal council... will you carry me?
Cameraman: Sure...
Lonnie's vote:
Topolsky. Yo, 'cuz a you, my girl's got another busted eye. And I'm tired a you doin' yer damn Darla impersonations all the damn time.
Courtney:
My vote would have to go to Bangs. Really, she seems nice, and she cooks and all, but...well...I was never one of those "eat today, die tomorrow" kind of people. So, bye bye, Bangs.
Ava:
Yo,Yo,Yo sorry Bangs but you gots to go
Maria:
Bangs. I know I keep complaining about Courtney and Rath, but I'm voting for Bangs because I can't stand having that stupid fricatta crap shoved in front of my face anymore. At least Courtney and Rath spend a lot of times off in the woods, so I can avoid them.
Rath's Vote
Uh, dis is Rath here. My vote is for "Bangs" cause -- like Kyle. I'm not even frickin' sure who da' hell dat' is!
Laurie in a Box here.
I vote for Duff to be kicked off.
P.S. Would you like to smell my grandpa? Mmm, minty fresh...come on, you know you want to...
Nicholas:
I vote for Bangs. Personally, I hope to never have to smell her cooking again.
Amy:
Duff
Hopefully Bangs will be by shortly to give us her last words. And if you're really lucky, Bangs will be answering questions later in our very own Fan Forum!
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On to next part - Round Four