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Back to last part - Round One
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So, as was the plan, Alex and I took off at daybreak in the Orbmobile in search of the Bot. I had to postpone helping Isabel gather firewood. She rather resented that Lizbot was getting all the attention, but I soon made her realize that with one person already gone we were going to need all the help we could get in the next Challenge. She just scowled.
Once we hit the trail, I turned to Alex and said, "You know, that little droid is going to cause us a lot of trouble."
"Oh, she excels at that," Alex agreed.
At one point, we passed by the camp of our competitors. A lot of them just pointed and gawked, and there were plenty of jaws hanging open. Sure, we looked a little silly. The Orbmobile was designed for the whole tribe, so it's a little cumbersome when there are only two driving it! Plus, it's pretty heavy.
We searched for hours until Alex noticed that something in the distance was reflecting the sun.
"Lizbot's hair!" we both cried. Sure enough, we had found her.
We drove up, jumped out of the Orbmobile and surrounded her. She kept babbling about an important message she had to deliver to Carver.
"We'll have no more of this Captain Carver nonsense," Alex snapped. "�and don't talk to me of your message, either. You're fortunate we haven't blasted you into a million pieces right here."
"Let's get out of here. This place could be crawling with Forest Trolls at any minute," I added.
Suddenly, a dead tree fell in our path. Trolls! We attempted to scatter, but they cut us off at every pass. There must have been twenty of them, all throwing rocks at our heads. Alex took a six-pounder in the forehead and keeled over as blood dribbled down his face. I grabbed Liz and tried to make a run for the Orbmobile, but I tripped on a Troll trap. Liz went flying into the brush. The last thing I remember was being surrounded by five big Trolls as they bludgeoned me with their large mallets.
As I came to, I glimpsed a dark figure raving and ranting at the Trolls as they scattered back into the woods. I leaned over and saw they had ransacked the Orbmobile. Fuck.
The figure noticed I was awake and approached me. "You've been beaten badly. What the hell are you doing in these woods? Don't you know how dangerous it is?" he asked.
He was putrid. He smelled like a carton of yogurt that's been incubating in the sun for about twenty years. He looked like he had traveled seventy years of bad road in the back of a trash truck.
I shook the pain out of my head and pointed at Lizbot. "This bot says she has a message for a Captain Carver. Do you know what she's talking about?"
The man looked lost in thought. "Captain Carver�that's a name I haven't heard in years�" After a pause, he added, "Let's get out of here; those Trolls don't scare off for long."
We gathered up Lizbot and Alex and made our way�you guessed it�to the dumpster at the entrance of the park. The man confessed that he had once gone by the name of Captain Carver, but today he's known as Old Smelly Carver and he calls this dumpster home. He had no idea what Lizbot's message could contain, though.
And with that, Lizbot turned on her headlights and the Momogram reappeared, just as we had seen her yesterday. "Captain Carver, many years ago, you made a $5.00 contribution to KRAP, the Roswell Public Television Station. Your donation was vital in keeping quality television shows like MotorWeek, This Old House, and Masterpiece Theatre on the air. I'd like to ask you to renew your pledge to our station. As you may be aware, each year, the government cuts more and more funding for public television and radio, so we are forced to rely on loyal viewers like you. Think about it. Think about how much public television enriches your life. Perhaps your children enjoy Sesame Street or Lambchop. Are you an aspiring gourmet? Well, then, perhaps you'd enjoy any one of our 312 cooking shows! Or maybe it's time for you to fix up your home! We air literally thousands of home improvement shows on our schedule. How much is that worth to you? $5.00? Perhaps $50.00? We only ask for you to pledge what you're able, but please, every bit helps to keep quality programming on the air. Without your help, our station will be forced to close. Help me, Captain Carver, you're my only hope." And with that, Momogram faded away.
"A fucking PBS fucking pledge drive? THAT'S what you brought us all the way out here for? Damn, you're a bitch," Alex seethed. I was equally furious.
Old Smelly, on the other hand, was a bit embarrassed. "You see, ever since Julia Child teamed up with Jacques what's-his-name, I really haven't been watching�"
I assured him we weren't there to collect for PBS, but that we just wanted to take our Bot back to camp.
"Whence beatings will occur," Alex muttered under his breath.
The Orbmobile was still damaged from the Troll attack, but we were able to get to a safe distance for repairs. It took us another hour and a half to reach camp. No one looked pleased that Lizbot had returned. Alex tentatively promised not to tell the others what Lizbot's message contained. If they knew, they'd make it unbearable for her.
I didn't sleep much last night, so I'm going to take a quick nap before I rejoin the others for chores.
Katims out.
*looks at Eddie* Dont' worry Eddie, honey, you can come live with me if Riverdog doesn't let you back on the reservation!
He's really good at playing that whistle of his, you know?
Cameraman: Yeah, he is.
Anyway, I'm almost getting used to the robot girl. She's not bad when she's not around.
And that Grant guy, he's freaking me out. He has some grudge against the Sheriff. And he acts all macho, keeps banging his chest like he's King Kong.
And I think Jason Katims is starting to lose his mind. Well, what little he has left. He keeps saying stuff about Forest Trolls or something of the sort.
Well, I gotta go see if I can get one of the aliens to use their powers to turn this stick into a cigarette.
Cameraman: Can you give us an example?
Well, this morning Liz had gone off by herself to get away from everyone for a while to wash her hair, and Kato starts re-living the scene from Star Wars where R2D2 goes off looking for Obi Wan ...
Cameraman: Um, yeah. I'm pretty sure I've heard that story in excruciating detail today.
Oh, well anyway, I followed along to make sure he didn't do anything crazy to Liz. You know, we've been friends like our whole lives. *chuckles, remembering* When we ran by Pohlman Ranch, the other tribe was staring at him--I guess they hadn't seen him without his pants on yet. Ha. I'd forgotten about that.
Cameraman: So then what happened?
Nothing much, why? We found Liz and headed back here.
Cameraman: So who's Smelly Carver?
Oh. *blushes* I guess we also might have stopped at the Carver diner over at the edge of the woods to grab a bite before heading back. We all used to call Mr. Carver (the owner of the diner) "Smelly" when we were kids. *worried* You're not going to tell about the food, are you?
Cameraman: *whispers* Um, did you bring anything back? Just grab me some fries next time, and we've got a deal. *louder* So, Kato mentioned that you were hurt and Max had to heal you?
Really? *blushes again* Oh. Um, I gotta run...
Cameraman: I'm sorry!
Yeah, well, next time use your head instead of your...
Cameraman: Okay, okay I get it!
Well, at least I got to see Jim... You know, maybe a little separation isn't so bad after all... if you know what I mean. *he nods* Thought so.
Day four. This isn't so bad. But I'm telling you, those FBI girls better watch their backs... 'cause I'm not gonna play nice with those two.
Cameraman: So...
I'm gonna go see what those kids are up to. I'll see you tonight. Maybe.
I slept in the tent with Michael and his girls last night. That Laurie girl kept crying and screaming and stuff, so I lent her Mr. Squishells. That calmed her down and she went to sleep, but now she won�t give him back. She keeps talking to him and calling him �Grandpa.� Whenever I try to take him from her, she starts screaming about me being in on the alien conspiracy, and then she starts, like, describing what my house looks like. I don�t get it.
I�m having a really great time with the guys out here. Yesterday I did some Jello wrestling with Michael and Brody and Nick. We were rolling around in Jello all morning, then Michael started giggling and touched it. It all glowed for a second, then he yelled, �Dig in, boys!� and started eating it. He definitely worked some kind of freaky alien mojo, because it did not taste like just Jello anymore. It�s like he added a huge vat of 100% vodka to the mix. So the girls came along and started eating it too, talking about how good it was. Next thing you know, we�re all drunk as hell, and half the people in the Jello pool are naked. For an hour or so, it was just hands everywhere. I don�t remember much after that, but Brody and I woke up in the woods a few hours later, and I felt pretty sore. I must remember to stretch out before Jello wrestling from now on. By the way, aliens cannot handle their liquor at all. Michael and Nick, who always kind of hated each other before, were suddenly giggling like school girls and had their arms around each other singing Celine Dion songs. I don�t know what�s up with that. But it was a good day. These are some cool, cool guys. Some of the coolest. [sigh]
I will not think about Max today. I promised myself that I wouldn�t, and I won�t.
Anyway, this morning I got out of the tent and immediately started my daily 200 push-ups. About half-way through, I looked up and there was Brody, looking down at me. He asked me if I thought I might go to the Jello pool again today, and I said I wasn�t sure. I�m thinking about taking a walk towards Frazier instead just to make sure Max is o.k. No! Dammit! I said I wouldn�t, and I won�t. What the hell is wrong with me? I am so pathetic.
I'm going to go find Sean...
After our tribe won immunity, I was able to relax a bit, and put my mind to the really important things about surviving here. Namely, strategy. With all the youths in this camp the key is to act like one of them, and not align myself with the old fogeys. So yesterday I was concentrating on working my way in with the other young men of the group. Nicholas, Michael, Kyle and I were having a great conversation about the various knockers on display, and then somehow we ended up by the jello pool. I really only reached in to get some of the goop to fix my hair with; I like to keep it spiky, and all of the hair products are in the other camp. But then Kyle pulled me in, and the next thing I knew we were out in the woods, and he was, ah, dispensing his own brand of hair gel with a little help from me. {coughs}
[pause] It's all part of the strategy. Really.
Cameraman: Uh-huh. Sure it is.
Anyway, I must have passed out for a while again, because when I woke up again Kyle was gone, but my hair was nice and stiff.
Cameraman: What about Maria?
*sighs* Maria. You know her mother's been gone all day, so I had the perfect opportunity, but I thought it might be time to play hard to get a little. It seems to work well for Michael, and the way he's been talking about Courtney, he's getting quite a bit from her. I think she's onto me hanging with the boys, though, so I'll have to play it carefully. If I work this right, I should be able to play both sides. Swinging, baby, yeah!
Yo, I'm so wrecked. Yesterday Mikey got a little too excited about winnin the immunity challenge and knocked me into a tree. I went down like BAM! I don't think he meant it, though, them man-boobs are hard to control. Anyways Rath and Lonnie's been takin real good care of me. Lonnie said she wouldn't let nothin happen to me cause I'm her bitch.
The other night we snuck over the the other tribe and messed up that robot girl, it was bitchin.
(replay of slo-mo shot Lonnie and Ava running in bikinis)
Lonnie's so smart.
*puts hand to head again*
Damn, that's hurts.
That hottie Enlish guy, Simon, he was in the Jello pool yesterday when we all got a smashed. He got the cutest little accent. He keep askin me if I wanna see his "Little Angel". At first I thought he meant the picture of his kid, but now I ain't so sure. But now I'm pretty damn sure he meant somethin else entirely. Now I know guys got all kinds of names for their, umm, energy sources, but I ain't never heard a guy call it his "Little Angel" before. It must be really special, I'm gonna have find out for myself. I'll let chu know.
Cameraman: Uhh, thanks, I guess.
*Off camera- yelling*
Hey what chu doin?
* back to camera*
The FBi biiaatch keeps tryin to take my hair dye. I told her that blue hair would so not work for her. But she got all crazy mad, yelling, that she had to look good for Jim, I don't even know no Jim.
*Off Camera*
Hey! Bitch, I told you to put that down. No you can't have it, Don't make me come after you.... Shit....
I�m still not too sure about Jason Katims. He just wanders around all day saying, �Show me the monkey! Show me the monkey!� I think that came from some movie...I dunno. I asked him about it and he told me, �robots killed my show, but a monkey will save me.� He said he�s looking for Mr. Monkey Fantastico. What. Ever. I really don�t understand a word this guy says. He makes no sense.
Cameraman: What's up?
Uh. Yeah. Not much. [Scratches eyebrow]
Cameraman: Really? I saw you talking with Mrs. DeLuca?
Uh huh. Well, the thing is . . .
Cameraman: Yes?
You see, I was sitting over on a nearby rock, reciting Ulysses to myself since we don't have a goddamn television out here, and Mrs. DeLuca came over to talk. So I'm thinking, "Shit, here come's the 'Don't sleep with my daughter you mangy disease-ridden hound'" speech again. Fan-fucking-tastic. But she, uh, leaned in and started stroking my thigh. [Rubs face hard] Then she says that she wants me to know that I'm always welcome in her house. Welcome in her bed welcome, that is.
Cameraman: Oh.
Yeah, it's kinda freaking me out. I mean, it's hard enough getting Maria to go and do a little cherry picking with me and Courtney. I don't think boffing her mom is going to go along way. Although in that family . . .
Cameraman: So how's the Maria thing going?
That's the other strange thing. So this morning, I'm over by the stream with Maria. . .
Cameraman: Wait a second. Stream? There's a stream out in the middle of a desert?
Why the hell not? If there's a forest and a desert on the same damn ranch, why can't we have a stream too? You think that's strange, try living in my apartment. I get up in the middle of the night sometimes, and the bathroom has moved to the other side of the room. I think someone accidentally voted the continuity editor off the island.
As I was saying, I was at the stream with Maria, washing off some of the jello that had gotten in my hair, although Maria said I might as well not bother, cause it didn't look any different to her. You see what I was saying earlier? She's totally hot for me. So anyways, Rath comes lumbering up. I have no idea why he'd be over at the stream, cause I can't imagine he's gotten that close to water in the last ten years. I thought I'd be friendly, seeing as he is my dupe and all, and there was a time when I gave a damn about learning about other aliens, so I offered to lend him my hair clippers so that he could remove the growth on his head. Well, those Dupes can be real pricks. The next thing I know he's pushed me back into the stream and we're rolling around in the water together. By the time we were done, both our shirts had totally shredded off, which is a damn shame, cause that was the last shirt I had. My others keep disappearing. It's hard to keep your clothes safe with both Courtney and Laurie around. I can see why you'd want to keep Laurie in a box. Jesus.
Anyways, we're both kneeling in the water, shoving each other, all wet and sweaty and tired, and Maria comes up between us with this LOOK on her face. I can't really describe it, but damn! Next thing I know, she leans in and gives me a kiss that would have just about melted the chalk in the eraser room. She was all over me! But when I went to rip her top off, guess who's hands were already there? Yep, that asshole dupe of mine. Well, I was ready to go for Round 2, cause poor Maria didn't even realize that this pervert had been taking advantage of her. How could she, he has my hands after all, and if there's anything to genetics at all, they'd be damn talented hands. But before we could have it out, we heard Mrs. DeLuca calling for Maria. One encounter with her was enough for me, so we started back to camp. But the whole way back, Maria kept muttering "two Michaels" under her breath. What a family . . .
*stares at camera man*
*squints*
Dammit, I forgot my shades.
*shuffles off*
This place may not be so bad after all. Well, if anyone could EVER get that Laurie chick to stop asking people to fucking sniff grandpa, life is great. She ain't so bad when she doesn't have that stuffed... thing all up in my face.
I was out chilling in the woods, trying to think up ways to keep my teenaged ass in the game. This whole alliance thing has got to work for me somehow. It only really matters if I win.
Cameraman: You do realize these confessionals are public, don't you?
Yeah, and I'm evil. Point?
*head turns follow someone crossing behind the camera*
Hey, there's Lonnie. *raises sunglasses and eyes light up* I'd wondered where that bitch had gone to. I ain't seen her doing nothing lately. Bet she's got some pent up frustrations. later, cameraboy. *runs offscreen*
Cameraman: Uh, I think...
What?
Cameraman: Nothing.
On the other hand, Courtney has been really mean to me lately. This morning she stole Grandpa's sweater from inside my sleeping bag and threw it into the Jello pool. Michael brought it back out for me, but now it smells like lime Jello and not really like Grandpa anymore. So it's really good that I have Grandpa Bear to keep me company. pause Would you like to smell him?
Cameraman: Um...I think we're out of time.
Really?
Cameraman: Yes.
Anyway, I jumped into the water and grabbed Michael, and our kiss was just explosive. He was on fire, pulling me close and running his hands along my back and, you know, lower, and even though he never stopped hugging me, I felt him untie my bikini top and slide his hands between our chests to caress my breasts. That's when I realized that Rath was kissing the back of my neck and it was his hands on my chest! Oh my God! Then my mother started calling my name, and Michael freaked out. ANYway, I think I'll tell Michael we can meet Courtney in the woods like he wants, as long as Rath comes too. Damn, it's a good thing Liz isn't here! That "virginity is great" egghead would be such a pain-in-the-ass party pooper.
Cameraman: Haven't seen you in awhile. Where've you been?
Ava's face has been swelling up again. Fuckin' Michael. Either get a support bra or put those things away. Man, have you seen him!?! He's got a rack that puts mine to shame.
(SPROIINNGG!!! Lonnie's bikini top pops open.)
Goddammit Michael, knock it off!! Why don't you play with your own tits instead of mine. Sweet mother of Greenis. Anyways, I've been laying kinda low since the party last night. Well, laying under Ava, and Rath, and Michael, and Courtney. I'm working on that Kyle guy next. Maybe an up close and personal exhibition of him doing push-ups.
Camerman: So how was the party?
(Shots of the previous night. A huge bonfire. Rath rapping as Laurie screams in the background. Bangs banging on an overturned pot. Duff and Topolsky applying each other's make-up. Amy sulking next to a tree smoking a cigarette. Brody grooming Nicholas' hair, gorilla style. The jell-o pool gurgling as heaps of hormonal flesh writhes in the pool.)
Yo, dat was da bomb man. Just gotta tell Rath to lay off the rapping. Yea, it was great the first 700 times, but when the creative juices stop flowing ya just gotta give it a rest. It ain't all bad, at least it keeps that Laurie chick from running around asking eveyrbody to smell Grandpa. Goddamn, that dead SOB smells worse than Rath.
Anyways, gotta go find Ava again. We're going to go hang by the waterfall.
Cameraman: Wait, you guys have a waterfall!?!
Duh! Where yo think the water from the stream comes from. Jeez, you humans are sooo friggin' stupid. Yo, Ava tell Courtney to grab her lotion and lets go.
In my absence, I've asked my lovely Immunity Assistant Slippy to administer the next challenge. She will be along shortly to test your knowledge of Roswell trivia. Each team may collaborate off the boards and come up with the answer or answers. Only one representative from each team may submit the answer for the tribe. Answers should be sent by e-mail. If we receive more than one reply for a team, both the team�s answers will be thrown out and the tribe will forfeit its immunity. The answers must be dated no later than 6 p.m. ET tomorrow. Slippy will tabulate the answers and declare a winner. In the case of a tie, Slippy will post a tie-breaker question, and the tribes will have until Friday morning to come up with the answer. After the winner is declared, the losing tribe will move on to Tribal Council.
We expect all participants to abide by the honor code and refrain from consulting tapes, transcripts, online resources, etc. in answering the questions.
Well, I�ve got a boat to catch. Good luck, and I�ll see the losing tribe Friday in the Granolith Chamber!
Contrary to what others may say, I will never be jealous of Liz Parker or any sort of attention that she receives... which is little because a) she's a robot, and b) I have massive breasts. Of course there's a lot more to me than my massive breasts, like my flexibility and tongue technique, but you can be damn sure that since I was blessed with these assets, I'm going to wear every piece of clothing I can to accentuate them. And I'm not going to complain that they bring me extra attention. Why do you all think I brought the dress? I knew it would render the boys too incapacitated to vote me off because they'd be too busy staring at my clevage, plus I've fucked nearly the whole lot of them as a back up. What I can't comprehend is why Lizbot's manufacturer didn't build her with bigger ones. You'd think if someone was going to build a robot to look like a real human female, they wouldn't have made it to look like.... well, Liz. Don't you agree?
Camera guy: Yeah, I'm with you on that one.
Thank you.
I can't believe Grant let Tess pluck his eyebrows. I was supposed to do that. Bitch.
Camera guy: Does it make Grant more attractive to you now?
Not really, I mean, have you seen the other guys I've dated? Being choosy about looks and good hygiene is obviously one thing I'm not. Don't get me wrong, it's kinda nice to look at him and not get visions of living in a cave clothed in animal skins, but sometimes those visions could be fun. ::Laughs:: There was this one time where Grant got a club and he stuck it up my....::cough:: um, nevermind. That's an...um..another story for another time. Yeah, I think I better be going now.
Camera guy: No! No! I want to hear this!
Um ::looks around, yells:: what was that Max? Oh, you need me to sing you to sleep with 'True Colors' again? Ok, be right there!
So yeah, I've gotta go. ::runs away::
Camera guy: Wait!
I love those aliens & their powers. Max morphed this cig for me after I gave him a lap dance. Normally, I don't do things like that but what can I say, I needed a cigarette. Besides, I'm not in 1947 anymore, I'm in 2001, right?
Cameraman: Uh, what happened to your accent, it's not as thick as it was.
I made Katims think he made my character from northern Virginia. Pretty clever, huh?
Cameraman: Yeah.
Damn moron.
Now Eddie and the others should be able to understand me better.
I've pretty much given up on Sean seeing as that now that damn robot girl--
Cameraman: Her name's Liz.
I know that. FINE! I've pretty much given up on Sean seeing as that now that damn robot Liz has decided to pay some attention to him. And I was so close to jumping him. Maybe if I turn her switch off for a bit I can divert his attention...
Have you seen Grant since Tess cleaned up his unibrow? He looks better. Not good but better.
You know, I never thought I'd be as horny as I am here. Maybe it's being around all these virile, good-looking, semi-available men. That and I don't have my reputation to worry about.
I heard my double's mother tried sneaking over here yesterday to see Jim. Not like I care, I can see plenty of him anytime. I can't wait to see the look on her and her daughter's face when they see me. Can you imagine what could happen?
Cameraman: Oh yeah, I can imagine...
You are such a pervert! See, this is why you're not getting any from any of us. See, now I'm getting angry. I gotta go find Pierce. I feel the need to play with his, uh, tazer gun.
*sees Zan* Hey, Zan, you wanna go wrestle? (pause) Sure, Isabel can join if she wants. Max, too.
I gotta go.
Cameraman: Maybe I should film you guys.
Go film Whittaker trying to get some! *walks off*
Cameraman: That Maria's fooling around with both--?
To think, they didn't once think to invite me!
Cameraman: Oh.
At least I finally got Michael's last shirt off. After I threw the one Larie slept with--EW, not like that!--into the jello pool, she didn't want it because it didn't smell like grandpa anymore. So now I get another one to add to my pile and Michael can complete his tanning. A few days in the sun out here has been doing that boy plenty of good, I'll tell you. I'd join him, but too much time in the sun makes me shed and all.
Ava got injured today. She and Lonnie are blaming it on Michael, but hey, lets face it, they're blondes.
Cameraman: Aren't you one, too?
Hello? It's a husk! This is just my costume, dude. Anyway, it's so obvious that it wasn't Michael's fault. If constantly coming in to contact with man-boobs were the problem, that Isabel girl from the other tribe would've been be in the emergency room a long time ago, you know?
Cameraman: I know what you mean.
Well, of course you do. I'm the stable one, remember? Hold on.
*shouts*
Hey, Lonnie! You hear that? I've just been a VERY bad girl! Are you just gonna let me get away with that...or do I need to be punished?
*turns back to the cameraman*
Sorry, where was I?
Cameraman: You were saying how you're the stable one.
Right, I'm totally--Oh, great, they've started playing "Hide The Greenis" without me again.
*jumps up and starts running towards them*
Hey guys, save me an opening!
"It's a feeling like no other...."
Good Luck, oh Tribal ones.
When I got back, something big was going down. Isabel was sitting by the fire, all weepy and shit. Tess and Whittaker were standing on the outskirts of the camp, engaged in some heated, hushed discussion which involved lots of finger jabs. Lizbot just looked dazed.
So I pulled Sean aside and asked what was going on, figuring it that it was just some girl drama. Unfortunately, it was much more serious than that. Sean told me that Tess and Max had gone off to frolick in the waterhole. They had been gone for about 10 minutes when Tess's screams pierced the silence. She instantly came running back to camp in tears.
It seems that Max's chest hair is growing back in.
This is unacceptable. As our tribe ho, he's expected to keep his fellow tribemates in a lifestyle to which we're accustomed. We're accustomed to a silky smooth Max.
Of course, he's all playing the ignorance card, with "What are all these strange changes to my body?" The 29-year-old high school student routine isn't gonna work out here, buddy.
As you can imagine, people aren't taking this too well. There are a lot of accusations flying around among the girls. It seems no one brought any sort of hair removal technology which, according to Betty, implies that our girls are all nasty.
As Sean finished filling me in, pained screams carried through the woods, sounding like a puppy getting its tail slammed shut in a door. Again and again, the yelps filled our ears.
"What the hell is that?" I asked.
Sean looked forlorn. "The men had to take matters into their own hands, so they came up with a primitive waxing technique. It appears to be quite painful, but the blood loss is negligible. We've got Max tied to a large tree and he's being fixed as we speak."
"Gaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!"
"Owwwwwwwwww!!!!!"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
"Fuuuuuccccccckkkkkk!!!!"
Aw, I hope he's feeling better soon. I have an appointment at 10:00.
Katims out.
Cameraman: Um, dude, are you okay?
Take me to your leader.
*Cameraman mutters, 'WTF' under his breath*
Your leader. Take me to your LEADER. *blinks once* I must find Max. For I am Max's destined bride, and I have chosen this vessel to reestablish our relationship. Those slow, sweet nights of love in the royal palace, spanking him to stimulate the growth of his chest, the source of his wisdom and power. He belongs there, with me, and now that I have found him again I will never let him go. *blinks*
Cameraman: Uh. Dude. Have you been eating mud again?
*Brody stares off into space, slack-jawed*
Cameraman: You okay?
I... I was looking for Maria last night and I fell in...
Cameraman: And you fell in what?
I fell in the Jello pool.
Cameraman: Oh... and?
I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and I was at the bottom, I couldn't get out and eventually the kids found me and some of them dragged me out...
Cameraman: Oh... that explains... you have some Jello stuck in...
oh... damn it... I'll be back later...
What�s that, you say? You need what? Clarification on the rules? Can�t you wait until I�m not laying in a pool of my own vomit?
O.k. Fine, then.
In coming up with the answer to the trivia question, tribe members may NOT:
-Consult online resources (web pages, databases, newsgroups, other posting boards, etc.)
-Read transcripts
-Ask friends or online associates for help
-Watch tapes of episodes
When the representative from each tribe submits the answer, he/she must state the following:
�My tribe hereby vows that we in no way violated the rules in answering this question. We understand that if we cheated, our answer will be thrown out, and we�ll have to live with knowing how much we suck.�
That good enough for ya? Now if you�ll excuse me, River D and I got a date with some of the reject chicks from Temptation Island. So behave yourselves and I�ll see you later at Tribal Council.
For those of you interested in their answer, here's what they submitted:
It's a feeling like no other. When you find what you've been looking for. Not in the heights of the mountains. Not in the depths of the oceans. But in the space between. Spoken by Max.
Again, close but the correct answer would be (and I'm listing it because I'm anal like that):
It's a feeling like no other.
To find what you thought was lost.
Not by the darkest valleys.
Nor by the infinite skies.
But in the space between.
This passage was taken from a Season 1 Promo with Max Evans doing the voiceover.
Voting will be held tomorrow for the Granolust Tribe.
Good luck & Jell-O speed.
You know, that sleep in the jello wasn't so bad... it felt nice, my skin is all soft... of course I will never eat any for the rest of my natural life, but...
That girl, uh... Ava? She wanted to dye my hair... I said maybe later... she mumbled something and walked off... gotta make it up to her...
I think everybody went off someplace, I don't know where... but there doesn't seem to be anyone else around...
I'm gonna go see if I can find them...
I kept trying to get in here, but this strange thing keeps running up and spewing all over me.
*takes out sunglasses and wipes them off*
Even got it on the Foakleys, dammit.
Well, nothing much happened today. We were mostly all camped out in Michael's tent trying to figure out the immunity challenge. Even Laurie didn't ask me to sniff anything. Now that's a first.
Just a quiet day for the Raunchy Ranchers. *sigh*
It's not our fault we didn't show up. Well, it kind of is, but not completely. See, it was Kato or Katims or whatever the hell he wants us to call him, turn to get the "wax job." After that whole drama with Max, we figured all the guys should do it.
I didn't have to though. Because my chest is smooth like a baby's bottom. Ok, so anyways, Katims is really hairy. I mean like really hairy. It took us six hours to just get one side. So, in the midst of that, we forgot. It's okay though, because it was worth it. Betty was able to sew a blanket with all his chest hair, so we'll be really warm tonite.
I'm not sure who I'm going to vote for yet. I'll figure it out eventually. I'm just glad Alex and Katims were able to find Liz. I missed "cleaning dirt out of her mouth" and I missed the wierd scratchy sounds she made when she got too hot and would start to rust.
But, while she was gone, I got a little..umm..horny, ya know?
Camera man: Uhh..yeah.
Yeah, so I accidently grabbed Isabel's boob. It was a total accident. Not my fault. Valenti pushed me and I fell. Well, she got pissed saying something about Max and Zan being her only bitches and she punched me. Thank God she didn't use her powers or I'd be dead.
::Does the Beavis and Butthead laugh::
It was way worth it though.
I do feel bad about one thing.... We were down by the Jell-O and my mom came by looking for me so Rath pushed her into the pool so she wouldn't see where we were going. I didn't find out till today that she slept in there! She said she just didn't have the energy to get up. Oh well. It's probably just as well that she doesn't know I spent so much time with those guys.
I have to admit that there was a spot of trouble when Amy showed up and found me in the middle of a pile-up with Izzy, Tess, and Max. I explained to her that I was just teaching the kids necessary wilderness survival skills, showing them the special technique used in cases of hypothermia, the sharing of boy warmth and all that. I think she bought it.
Well, "Natural Causes" is open for business! Very PC, we don't kill anything, we only serve things that died of natural causes. We don't seem to be too good at hunting, anyway. It's easier to catch stuff when it's already dead. But we do serve wicked good java that I had the foresight to bring as my luxury item. You'd be surprised what sorts of buiness can take place over a hot a cup of Sumatra with a dash of roasted chicory. And my wild rice and elderberry hotcakes are selling like...well...like hotcakes. A watering hole in the wilderness, an oasis, a place that draws both predator and prey. This is, after all, survival of the fittest, isn't it?
Need waitresses, though, to dress the place up. The Liz Bot doesn't have a lot to show off in a wet t-shirt, but I think Isabel can work her way up to hostess in NO time! Of course, anyone coming to work at "Natural Causes" has to submit to a careful background check and physical examination, can't be too careful in the food handling business. Isabel has a pesky cough, I'll have to listen to her chest again tonight. Good thing I took that other extension course, "Health and Fitness for Food Services Professionals".
Gotta go now, headin' down to the stream to see what's washed up for dinner. Makes for an interesting menu.
Cameraman: Nice eyebrows.
You think so? I got my chest done too (shows him) Damn Katims.
Cameraman: You know, the part in the middle of your brow looks a little red.
Oh, that's my fault, I did that last night. I think I was trying to pick nits out of it in my sleep.
Cameraman: Ouch. You got some scratches on your neck too. Maybe you should get, like, some bandaids or something.
Nah, I'm fine. You know. Man. (half-assed chest pounding) I'm sorry, I'm kind of out of it today. I'm feeling a little bit of loss.
Cameraman: The immunity challenge?
What? No. My body hair! There's a bond between a man and his unibrow! Tess didn't understand that.
Cameraman: Are you mad at her?
Oh no, she's cool. I think she got me in touch with a softer side of myself. The other girls in this tribe don't like me very much. You know, Liz and Isabel blew me off for younger, much less manly men. But Tess had a talking-to with me about my mating rituals. My idea of foreplay was dragging a girl by the hair into my cave and telling her about the three different kinds of rocks. I guess they don't like that too much. And also I don't think I've done enough listening and taking the relationships I've been in seriously...
Cameraman: Your eyes look a little puffy.
What are you getting at?? That I've been crying? That I'm less of a man? Just because I had my eyebrows done and have a newly shaven chest and enjoy Valenti's espresso machine? You're wrong! I'm still a man! A man, I tell you! ...Um - I- I- have to g-go.... (runs off covering face)
Cameraman: What are you looking for?
Kyle- me and Lonnie made him a present.
Cameraman: Well, That was nice of you.
Yeah, ain't we sweet.
*Holds up Mr. Squishels, free of Jello and all other assorted crustiness...but now sporting a bright green mohawk, and handdraw tatoos*
Now dis is a kick-as bear!
We cleaned him up, and used Mikey's clippers to restyle his look...I added the green part myself. The hardest part was wrestling it away from the crazy girl, she was all- "Don't take my Granpa", and I'm like "Chill CrazyGirl he ain't your Granpa". I promised to help her look for that dirty ass-smellin shirt and she gave up the bear.
Do ya think Kyle will like it?
there is is now... Yo Kyle...
Well, I've been busy. Van, Max, Isabel, Betty . . . would you have made time for a confessional?
Cameraman: I'm contractually obligated to say yes.
Uh-huh.
Cameraman: What ever happened to the Whittaker-sunburn comprison.
[shudders] Still apt. Only now that she knows that I know that she's a skin, she's decided to go "natural."
Cameraman: Natural?
No lotion. Very scaly. "It's me," she says. "If you don't like it, you have two hands."
Cameraman: So why don't you?
I tried. But then she threatend Isabel and Max and Betty and, well, everyone. I couldn't let that happen. Well, maybe to Betty. Have you heard her talk?
Cameraman: Not for a while. Earplugs.
So now I'm stuck giving her tazer treatment. She's all, "Oh baby, shock me 'till I peel! Make me flake!" [shudders] I'm glad she's comfortable with her body and all, but [shudders] yeesh.
Cameraman: Yeah, your diamond shoes are too tight.
What?
Cameraman: I mean, what about Isabel and Max?
[ eyes glaze over ] Well . . . that's less unpleasant. Much, much less. The pleasure I derive from shocking them, it's beyond the usual sadistic glee. It's like a whole other kind of sadistic glee. It's like sparking an alien; well, it's like I've found my sparkmate . . .
Oh, why do you ask?
Cameraman: Well, uh, half your skin peeled off in the time it took you to sit down for this confessional.
Well, it's an elaborate position. It took awhile for me to sit like this. But what are you complaining about? Don't you like the view?
Cameraman: I would if your skin was still on.
You mean it?
Cameraman: Yeah.
Huh. Maybe that's why no one's sleeping with me anymore. I'll never find Nasedo is I don't start using lotion again.
Cameraman: Are you sure it's a good strategy to sleep with everyone? You could get a disease.
I'm an alien, you idiot. I can't catch your human illnesses.
Cameraman: Are you sure?
Um...
Cameraman: Y'know, herpes really sucks.
Can you hold on a sec? (dials number) Hey, sis? Is Dad there? Thanks. ... Hey, Dad? Nasedo took the form of some guy named River Dog, and he was voted off. And then, we, uh, hit him with a rock. So I'm going to stop sleeping with everyone now. Well, of course I'm still going to screw Pierce. If he has any diseases, I've already gotten them a hundred times over. (click)
Cameraman: Smart move.
Shut up, human.
Cameraman: Why do you keep calling me that? I'm a talking monkey.
Is that so? Do you have a name?
Cameraman: Yeah. Call me Mr. Monkey Fantastico.
Cameraman: Uh...
TAKE OUT THOSE DAMN EARPLUGS!!!!!!!
Cameraman: You heard that too, huh?
No shit. Can't they appreciate the fact that I made us a blanket last night out of Katims' chest hair? And I'm trying to work on my accent...
I give and I give and I give! I try and I try and I try! Nothing's ever good enough for any of you! Why can't y'all accept me for me? Why can't anybody love me for me?
*Betty runs off, crying*
I've been around. People have kind of been ignoring me, though.
Cameraman - Could be the ghost thing.
You think so? Is it creepy? I'm telling you, I've had no action since I died last Monday night. I finally get Isabel to say she loves me, finally get involved with her and Max, and now...nothing. Maybe I should try putting make-up on my skin a la The Invisible Man. What do you think?
Cameraman: Hey--if it will get something going for you, do it. You're killing the ratings.
What if I had Tess & Isabel help me with the makeup? Rubbing it all over? Hmmm...
Cameraman: So what do you have to say about losing another immunity challenge?
What are you talking about? There was an immunity challenge? Oh, I think Isabel and Katims told me about that, but it was way too late to go help out at that point. Maybe next time. Too bad we have to lose someone else though.
Cameraman: Who are you thinking about voting for?
Well, we definitely want to keep the action around here hot, so I want to keep the ladies and Max around as long as possible. Maybe one of the others. I really haven't thought much about it yet.
Or have I? *winks*
Also, as I have to switch myself off at night, I asked him to make sure he turned me on in the morning. At that, his face brightened up even more, and his heartbeat increased by a further %12.35, which I didn't think was possible!!!
So I've decided something...
Cameraman: What?
I think I'm gonna go for a little skinny dip in the mud pit...
Cameraman: Oh?
Wanna join?
Cameraman: Uh...
Come on... nobody else is here... Please?
Cameraman: Well... okay...
Cameraman:I'm pretty sure they didn't.
What do you know?Do the Windchimes of Ancient Wisdom play when you talk?
Cameraman:er,no.
Yeah,I didn't think so.Anyway,I'm really enjoying Valenti's oasis or whatever.I loooooooove squirrel.And I don't ever have to kill them myself because Liz is kind enough to transform into a car and run it over for me.
And I keep telling Tess to come over to my tent and I play her another song on my whistle.Although this time, it won't really be my whistle.
I tried to score with Isabel by telling her hair is Golden like the sun and I have never seen such a thing like it at the Reservation,but all she did was touch my hair and turn it blonde.
Cameraman: What�s so funny?
JK: What?!? You were there, weren�t you? For our one-man Justice League of America? [snicker]
Cameraman: Oh. I only caught the end. But I heard it was pretty spectacular. Why don�t you fill the pretty people at home in on what happened.
JK: O.K., so yesterday was a pretty quiet day around the Granolust camp�
[waving lines signifying oncoming flashback]
Most of my tribe mates were away from camp. On Tuesday, the girls had found a field where they could lay out and catch some rays, so they decided to return today. Some of the guys were off fishing or gathering firewood or playing Frisbee with the girls. This left Alex and me behind at the camp, to defend it against either our competitors or more assholian Forest Trolls.
So Alex and I were sitting around the campfire boiling some water to make Jell-O and shooting the breeze about what we used to do as kids. He mentioned that he used to live next door to a comic book store and the guy who owned it used to let him come in everyday after school yaddayaddayaddakillmenow. This memory made him very excited.
We started talking about which comic books we liked as kids.
"�The Adventures of Batman and Robin,� baby. I was all over that one," he told me.
"Really. You�re a big Batman fan, huh?"
"Nah. Batman wasn�t as cool as Robin."
At this point, I was at the critical step in Jell-O preparation where you add the hot and cold water, so I was only semi-participating in the conversation.
"Robin?," I cried, "He�s just Batman�s bitch. And how come people didn�t recognize him with only that stupid little mask on?"
He looked mortified. "The Boy Wonder? He�s the coolest. And Batman�s interest in him was purely as a mentor, I assure you. And Robin was waaaaaay too fast and sleek for anybody to recognize him."
I couldn�t help thinking that Burt Ward must�ve been a terrible disappointment to DC Comics.
"Okay. But�.never mind." I was risking pouring the scalding water on my hands, and my Jell-O was more important than this stupid conversation.
"And I don�t mean that Chris O�Donnell-rubber suit-with-nipples-and-codpiece shit, either. I go for the classic," he continued.
"I had no idea�"
By now, I was letting the Jell-O set up in the dorm-sized fridge Valenti had made out of�well, I won�t bore you with the details. Unfortunately, I could now turn my full attention back to this inane conversation.
Alex went on. "Didn�t you ever play super heroes when you were a kid?"
I shrugged. "Well, yeah, sure."
"And who would you be?" he asked.
"Well, it depended on who I was playing with, I guess. I don�t know�Batman, Superman, Aquaman, if we were in my friend�s pool."
He furrowed his brow. "How did you talk to the fishes in a pool?"
"What?!?"
"What?"
"Anyway, so lemme guess. You were Robin every time?"
"Hell yeah."
"And you like girls?" I asked incredulously.
"What does that have to do with anything? Besides, I had the coolest costume."
"A costume? Like a real one?"
"Well, I could make it out of everyday clothes. I wasn�t that complicated. I could even make one here if I wanted to�"
Now, my curiosity was piqued. And, at this point, you can imagine how easy it was to use my utter disbelief to convince him that this was the proper venue for such behavior.
He ran into one of the tents and I could hear him rummaging around in there for a couple of minutes. I don�t know what the hell he was doing in there, but it took him forever. Every once in a while, he�d let out a "Wheeeee!!!" or, better yet, "Ow! Fuckit!"
I just kept stirring the embers in the fire, wishing that there was someone I could share this with.
And then, my wish came true. I spied a group of our fellow campers approaching, followed by Sean and Pierce carrying firewood. One by one, they filtered back into the camp and sat down by the fire.
Isabel came over and asked, "Where�s Alex?"
"Um, he�s�changing," I told her, wiping tears from my eyes. I had to pull the neck of my T-shirt over my nose to hide my cheesy grin.
Suddenly and without warning, Alex exploded out of the tent, as if shot out by a cannon.
A red T-shirt with a rope for a belt. Green briefs. Green socks, rolled down to the ankle. A towel for a cape. And the pi�ce de resistance was the black "mask" he had drawn on his face with Tess�s mascara. Fist in the air.
Priceless.
It was one of the few times when our camp has been utterly silent. Jaws were hanging open. Max�s eyes were like saucers. Sean couldn�t hold it in any longer and he erupted into a guffaw I hadn�t heard since I was a child. It didn�t take too long until we were all in pieces.
"Oh, for Christ�s sake, Alex!" Isabel squealed between peals of laughter.
I whirled around to face him and cried, "OH, MY GOD! How did she know it was you?"
Dumb kid. I told him people could still recognize him with that stupid mask on.
All right, I'm gonna' start da circumcision.
Cameraman: WHAT!
Oh! I'm sorry! I mean exorcision . . .
Cameraman: What are you doing? My head hurts.
Yer head hurts cause I beat da crapola' out a' yous and brought ya here.
Cameraman: I am not possessed!
Oh yes yous are! What kind of an ass do ya' think I friggin' am?
Cameraman: A very big one!
Of, course you're possessed! I was gonna' try dis shit on Laurie but she moves too fast. It�s not like I�m gonna� try anything or somethin�. It'd be kinda' weird since we're sorta' related 'n all. Not like that stopped Zan and Lonnie though. Then again, like dey say, �Incest is the best.�
Cameraman: Rath! Stop this now!
(Rath takes out a small bottle and hurls the liquid inside at Cameraman)
So first, we's gonna throw my special brand of holy water on 'ya or somethin'.
(The Cameraman screams.)
Cameraman: AHHHH! This hurts!
Ahh! See da foul beast screams at the touch o' da' brew!
Cameraman: Of course it burns! It's salt water! It got in my eyes! That's not proving anything!
Salt water? You thought that was salt water! Yeah, sure iit was . . . salt water. I�ve nevah heard it called dat before.
Cameraman: Oh somebody help me . . .
I can't believe yous just won't shut yer' stinkin' trap! You're worse dan' Topolsky with her "hold me, kiss me, lick me -- not �dere but lower!" shyte! Chicks with der smelly lotion. Besides, lotion is only good for one thing and it's right here. (holds up his right hand)
Cameraman: If you let me go I'll give you all the money in my wallet.
Ha! I already 'ave your wallet ya' jackass. Dey don't pay you dick around here! I got yer' two fifty. (looks into the camera) Thank you for da fu ckin� coffee and a bagel ya cheap-ass slobs at Roswell/Survivor!
Cameraman: Rath! Please . . . just stop this. I'm going to call Lonnie or one of other girls.
No! Dis is my exorcism and no one is gonna' interrupt it especially the girlz.
Cameraman: Why don't you just stick your . . . thingy . . . up one of their rear ends or something. You MFing, worthless thingsucker!
Are you cursin'? I think that was cursin'. Yeah! It was cursin'! Now that's no way to talk to Rath! Besides, you gotta' watch who you say that to around here. Ya' never know who might hear it . . . if you know who I mean and I think you do! (Throws more "salt water" at the Cameraman.)
Let us begin' this joint. Our leader Zan, who art in on da other side of da iz-land . . .
(The Cameraman spits at Rath.)
That was fuckin' gross! Is yous on somethin'?
Cameraman: This is ridiculous!
Great Pumpkin! Halloween be thy name. From thy far away ass planet come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Smallville . . . I mean . . . Roswell. Give us this day, our daily pizza, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass -- especially Michael who tried to cop a feel on one of my manly, luscious, creamy, white, man-boobs when we's was feelin' up dat Maria chick the other days. And lead us not onto Temptation Iz-Land -- cause "G" forbid that we'd actually pull above a four share. Deliver us from the evil one -- her name is Lonnie, at least three days out of the month.
Cameraman: Control room! Peachy! Somebody! HELP ME!
Save me o' Zan with thy pearly yellow teeth and pecs, defend my cause, blah, blah, blah exorcism-cakes. Glory be thy villain on Buffy the Vampire Slayer -- she and dat Greasy Ass Mo-Fo Intern Ben. Did you see how they axed my chicks' mother da' other week?
Cameraman: Yes, I did. That was really sad. If you let me go Rath, we can discuss it.
Uh . . . no. Let us continue -- As it was in the beginning when dis' show didn't suck so bad. Wouldn't it rock if Max's chick was now and forever without word cause I swear she speaks without end sometimes in that funky ass monotone voice. Save your servant, like you know . . Benson or dat' Jeffery dude from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Cameraman: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
In East Liberty we trust, her name is Eplurbuzz Unas . . . I think that's Swedish. It is on she I place my trust and head -- especially if it's Friday and she gives me a twenty percent discount. When with her thrust into her with my fortified tower -- known to the ladies and gentlemen . . . I mean just ladies on this iz-land as the "Rath of Kahn." You know, sometimes I just throw it in the face of the enemy. It just sends 'em screamin'. It has dat' kinda' effect on men, women and small animals.
Cameraman: Kill me now! Just kill me now!
Uh . . . no. And da son of iniquity be powerless to harm me. His name is George Bush and he wants arsenic in our drinkin' water.
Cameraman: Your mother sucks cocks in hell Rath, you brainless slime!
You know . . I'm tryin' to save yous but yous bein' an ass talkin' about my mother eatin' chicken. You need to think of better insults or somethin'.
Cameraman: Rath! I'm not possessed by anything! Can't you see that!
The only thing that's clear about you is the space between your head. I'm gonna' continue but if you don't stop I'm gonna' drop a rock on ya' dome.
Cameraman: That's all I'm asking . . . go ahead!
Oh! Now you're being sarcastic. Zan always tried to pull that out on me, amongst other things. So tell you what I told him . . . your mutha! She, who sent her only begotten son and daughter to Earth to star on a lousy-ass Survivor Knock-off which many will spoof for years to come after its demise.
(Rath stops and looks closely at the Cameraman)
The exorcism has failed. Let us now hasten to our call for your help oh mighty Zan to save "Snatch" from box office ruination and from the clutches of the noonday devil, known to many . . . on every street corner . . . as Ava. Lets say you do this forever and ever, like Randy Travis but not ugly. Word up to Big! Keep hope alive in 95! Too Legit to Quit! Now, let us move on to plan two.
(Rath reaches down and picks up a large rock)
Cameraman: So you're just going to kill me?
No, not necessarily. If you're possessed by da' devil den' you will live. If not, den' you will die.
Cameraman: I think you mean drown and I think you have that backwards.
(Rath raises a rock to kill the Cameraman as he hears a whistling noise to his right. When he turns he sees Ava shaking her head.)
Uh? What do ya mean I can't! . . . . Oh! That would kill him . . . Shit! Why canna' I have any fun! I got thrown into the river da other day 'n everything. Now I smell less pungent than usual. How will I ever pick up da' chicks with out my own personal man musk?
Cameraman: what the fuck?!
Oh sorry, Mr. Monkey Fantastico, I just am so relieved to see that you're okay.
Cameraman: Okay, so stop smiling at me. And take your shirt off. I don't want you talking to the camera unless you're showing some skin, got it? It's in your contract.
*Max complies*
Cameraman: Nice. Now are you gonna talk, or just sit there looking pretty?
Do you think I'm pretty? Zan thinks so too. But then, he does look almost exactly like me, so I can understand where he's coming from. I think we're gonna try to trade identities one of these days and see how the girls react. At least I won't have to shower for a while.
I've really missed Kyle this past week. His dad Porno just isn't the same. He's less sensitive to my *needs* than my darling Kyle. Tess tried to make me feel better by mindwarping me so I'd think that Pierce was Kyle, but it just wasn't the same. Pierce doesn't have that same Kyle smell. Like pigskin and aftershave. Or something close.
Cameraman: *waking* Oh, I'm sorry, were you still talking? You're so damn monotone you keep putting me to sleep. Maybe you should just sit there and look pretty. It works for you. Who are you voting off later?
Shit, I have no clue. Probably Whittaker because she keeps refusing to use lotion and the body dandruff really makes her so much less attractive. Not that she was much to look at to begin with, but it's a nice variety. You know?
*cameraman snores*
Oh well.
*whispers very quietly in camerman's ear* I love you Mr. Monkey Fantastico.
Well, well, a lot of confusion in these here tribes lately, eh? Well, nobody said the game was perfect. What with the Lizbot malfunctioning and sending out all sorts of weird signals that keep horking our equipment, it�s a wonder any of us get through to each other at all. But have faith, good Survivors; eventually will we work out all the kinks. Well, except for the sexual ones. Those we�ll keep. [laugh track roars]
This week, the Granolust tribe proves its loyalty to the WB network by casting out its last remaining minority. That�s right, it�s time to bid a fond farewell to Eddie. We knew he wouldn�t make it too far, right? The odds were definitely stacked against him.
Katims:
My vote is for Eddie. I've composed a little haiku for Eddie's departure:
Eddie, time to leave.
Last week, you were a stranger.
Today, you're just strange.
Liz:
Eddie
Alex:
I'm voting for Eddie in order to increase the girl/guy ratio.
Pierce:
I'm voting Whittaker. Get her flaky butt off this island--um, out of this forest!
Sean:
I have to vote for Valenti. No offense, I just don't like cops.
Isabel:
I feel kinda bad about booting River Dog off and having him so lonely over there on reject island with all the Temptation leftovers, so I'm sending Eddie over there to comfort him. The whistle stays however, because it promises hours upon hours of fun torturing Lizbot.
Max:
Eddie. You leave, but your whistle stays.
Grant:
Vote for Katims
Tess:
I vote for Eddie. It turns out that his whistle line really wasn't about the flute. He comes into my tent late last night high on some mushrooms he found and he kept telling me, "play the flute, Tess! Play the flute!" I had to use my powers on him. I'm really creeped out and I want him gone!
Betty:
I vote for Whittaker. She keeps shedding all over the place and that's kind of disgusting...and disturbing, to say the least. Besides, she won't let Pierce play with the rest of us.
Valenti:
I still say fuckin' Tazer Boy Pierce is OUTTA here!! He zapped me with that damn thing when I was bent over working on the espresso maker -- that was NOT the kind of buzz I was lookin' for!!
Eddie:
Vote for Whittaker.
Final Tally:
Eddie: 6
Whittaker: 3
Valenti: 1
Katims: 1
Pierce: 1
Eddie, please post your Final Words, and then join us in the Roswell/Survivor Fan Forum to share fond memories of your experiences, plug any appearances you�ll be making on late night t.v., and make an impassioned plea for a guest hosting job on Talk Soup.
I tried my best to please everyone.
in "River Dog".If you hate Max and Liz,I left out to die in the middle of the woods.It's not my fault the Lizbot had a special device implanted that helped them find food and water.
For you Michael lovers,I got him to take his shirt off.
For you Michael haters,I almost killed him.It's not my fault River Dog's a big softie.I dissed Liz,and frightened her.I got Max to act angry,when he tried to beat me up.I was about to beat him to a bloody pulp when Liz's shiny hair blinded me.
(the flute of evil curses starts to play)I place a curse on the Granolust tribe!None of you shall win!The winner will be from Rancho de Raunchy!Mwa hahaha(Eddie takes his whistle and leaves in the Orbmobile)
-------
On to next part - Round Three