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Back to last part - The Tribes and Luxury Items
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So Mrs. DeLuca woke me up at some godawful hour this morning by hitting me over the head with a palm leaf. What the hell is her problem, anyway? She wanted me to go gather firewood. Like, hell, who needs firewood when I've got my thumb? But I certainly don't need her on my back for the next two weeks, so I got up to see what I could find and there was Maria showing the goods to that English freak. I mean, with that bikini she brought with her, she might as well just be naked. [Pause.] Not that I'm complaining, but you know, there are some definite perverts in this camp. And that dude with the weird hair wasn't looking at her lips. Although that would be bad enough. If no one is going to say anything to her about prancing around like that, then I'm definitely going to. For her own good.
So I cleared my throat a couple of times, but all Maria did was look up and tell me to see if Courtney could heal my headcold. She's been in a pissy mood ever since I told Courtney she could share our tent. But what the hell, it's not like she could stay over with Nicholas, right? Who the hell can understand women, anyway.
So I decided the hell with both of them, and went back to camp to talk to Courtney about important alien stuff. But when I get there, she and that mohawked freakshow (and by the way, he looks nothing like me, OK? I'm just saying) were comparing their piercings. What is with the guys in this camp and the bad hair? Thank god I brought my hair trimmers. Anyways, I'm going to see if I can find Laurie and hang with someone relatively normal. I think I can hear her screaming over in that direction.
But Maria didn't want me in their tent. I think she hates me. She was already mad about something, but I didn't want to bother her by asking what it was. I think she's afraid I'll steal Michael away from her. I wish I could get up the nerve to actually confront her about that, tell her how much he loves her and how he's, like, my grandpa anyway.
But Maria's mother is letting me sleep in her tent. She's a really nice lady--kind of strange, but nice still. And I don't really think of her as someone's mother, you know. She looks so young, and she seems really carefree, like she might wake me up in the middle of the night to play truth or dare or tell ghost stories or something. I think it would be nice to have a friend like that, someone I could tell secrets to who wouldn't care who I am or that I'm crazy. Am I crazy? I don't know. I know I wasn't at first, but maybe when you're led to believe something for so long it ends up being true. I wonder if Mrs. DeLuca really doesn't want me here. I wonder if they're all planning to vote me off.
Eww, there's a spider! *screams*
Hey, I think Michael is coming over here. I'd really love to talk to him.
Can I tell you how hard it is to choose which tent I'm going to sleep in? I mean there's Max, with whom I'm VERY close of course, Alex, who I macked on at the Prom, Grant, and Zan. Is it incest to sleep with your brother's Dupe? I mean he's not REALLY my brother... not like that's stopped me before...and he's really kinda hot. The goatee and the piercings? Bring. It. On. I think Pierce has been checking me out too, and not in that you're-an-alien-and-i-want-to-destroy-you-way. Although, on second thought, it usually happens when I'm standing next to Max. I overheard Whittaker say that he's particularly 'hung'. *sigh* Oh well, at least one of us in the family will be getting some from outside of the Evans gene pool. I think I'm going to go see what Zan is up to...
Oh wait, one last thing... who's the weird writer guy? He just sits off from everyone else spanking himself while he recites lines from My So-Called Life. God I hated that show.
At first I was really upset because I chose to take my shiny hair shampoo with me instead of my journal (who by the way, has stopped talking to me lately). I'm okay now though. I managed to find some leaves, and stole some of the ink from a squid (oh dear, I hope he didn't mind). I then dabbed the ink onto a twig, and hey presto! I have a journal!
Everyone's been so nice to me so far. Today, Isabel told me that she thinks i'm as good looking as my Roswell action figure!! It's so cool, I never thought of myself as the model type, but i'm not complaining!Max hasn't really been talking to me that much though. I would have spoken to him earlier, but he was busy letting Tess remove a small piece of dirt from his mouth using her tongue. And then another time he was letting Isabel remove a small piece of dirt from his mouth using her tongue! And then another time, I saw him let Alex remove a -- well you get the idea.
Do you think Max still loves me?
I hate it here. I want to go home! :(
And then we get here. You know, I was never a big fan of Fraizer Woods. In my story treatment, "In The Woods" took place in a Turkish bathhouse (when it was titled "Teen Steam"), but Thania nixed that at the last minute. Whore. The only high point so far was when I sat on a pinecone. Wheeeeee!
So, we started putting up the tents right after we reached our campsite. I'm pretty psyched that I'm on the team with all the cool kids, although I'm not sure yet how my teammates feel about me. After royally fucking with everyone's head this season, I can't blame them if they have some resentment. They just don't get the fact that Jamie and Suzanne have me by the curlies.
Oh, I almost forgot! Naturally, Max peeled off his shirt when we were organizing our campsite this afternoon. He's pretty. When he wasn't looking, I grabbed his shirt and sniffed it. He smells great. Unfortunately, he came looking for it (Liz wanted him to put it back on), so I hid it in my totebag. Gotta save that for later. As it happened, Max and I ended up in the same tent. He told me he was glad I was there 'cos I'm like a father to him. Yowza! That's gonna make it pretty awkward when I try to touch his ass later on when we're sitting around the campfire.
Alright, gotta go! Some of the kids are heading to the swimming hole. I need to pick out a good lurkin' spot.
Remember: Kato did it, not me!
Good thing I have Maria with me. I can keep an eye on her and Michael... I tried to talk to him this morning, but he was sleeping, so I tried waking him up, but he wasn't doing anything, so I hit him over the head with a palm leaf... I don't know how I found one here, but anyway, he was a bit pissed off, I could see it. But he should have been up already...
I sent him to get firewood. He didn't want to but he went anyway. That boy better shape-up if he wants to stick around here...
I miss Jim... he's in Frazier woods with the other team. What am I supposed to do for all this time without him? The merge seems so far away... well, at least I have my alien blow-up doll to... uh... keep me company...
Why is that Laurie girl screaming? Poor thing... she needs a date. Maybe I should fix her up with one of the boys here... oh, yes, I think I'll do that...
Oh... my... MARIA! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY! GET AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER YOU CREEP! *runs off after Maria and Brody*
The upside is that that gorgeous bit of jailbait somehow ended up here with me. She spent the whole morning prancing around in her bikini. I'm not sure why she brought a bikini to the ranch; maybe she was in a tanning salon when she was abducted. It's been bloody hard to sit by and watch her jiggle her bits at me, and even worse when I innocently tried to help her fix a strap and her mother streaked out of the barn and hit me with a blow-up alien doll. It didn't hurt, but I think my hair may have dented it. I tried to talk to her about my own daughter, but she just kept yelling "You sick fuck."
I saw that boy with the awful mullet lurking behind a tree this afternoon. He looks lonely. Maybe he and I should team up. I think they call it 'tag-teaming' over here; doesn't that sound cheerful?
I hate this place. I'm only here because my probation officer said if I do this it counts as community service and I might be able to go 500 feet from the school. I hope so. Liz goes to school. She has such nice, shiny hair. Shiny hair like the sun. Man, I am so deep.
That writer guys is watching My So-Called Life tapes. That guy in it looks so familiar. I know I've seen him before, I just can't put my finger on it.
There goes Isabel. She looks so hot in the dress. Reminds me of Big Bertha, the cell guard, in juvie. Except Big Bertha was a transvestite. That's besides the point though. Too bad Isabel's taken and I dont take the tacos from another guy's taco platter if you know what I mean. God, Max gets all the woman. Isabel, Liz, Tess, Alex, and I think I saw him boffing Whittaker. Liz told me that Max and Isabel were related. But, she has to be wrong. Only Marcia and Greg Brady look at eachother like that.
Man, this place sucks.
Cameraman: (OS) What s it?
Yo, ain't this a confessional? Shut the fuck up! It's a box of Krispy Kremes. Fuckin' moron. Yo, these are gonna go down good with that bottle 'a rum that chick was holdin'. What's her name? Oh yea, Muff...mmmm muff. Just don't call her that to her face. Apparently, it's like offensive or something.
Have I told you how many hotties there are on this ranch? What's his face? Kyle? You could bounce a quarter off his ass. And, yo, I gotta pocket full of change. And that other chick. Topoo...Topau...Topol... Fuck, I ain't no cunniliguist.
Cameraman: (OS) Don't you mean linguist?
Do I gotta put a cap in yo' ass? Anyway, that girl is fine. Yo, and I got the Michael/Rath sandwich goin' on. Thank God those tents are dark, you know, double my pleasure, double the fucked up haircuts. Whoa BABAY!! Gotta go, cute little Austrailian dude just walked by.
That guy Max, he seems to be getting a lot of action. Even from his sister, ew. And that girl with the brown hair, the robot one, she keeps calling me Maria and asking me if I want to hang out with her. That girl scares me. I don't know how many times I've had to tell her that my name is Betty. I mean, everybody else got it straight. Even the cousin. You know, the guy with the blonde hair. He's kinda cute. And so is the guy with the volleyball. I wonder if he'll let me interview him for my article over some burgers...
::slaps arm:: Damn bugs!
Oh look, there's the Sheriff. I hope he's not gonna try to escort me away from the confessional. You know, he's kinda cute, too. I wonder if he brought his handcuffs with him. I mean, you never know when someone might do something and needs to be restrained...
That Laurie chick looks kind of freaked out. She's been sniffin' some shirt all day. Can you blame her? I'm freaked out myself, stuck at this ranch with one of the royal four, three of the royal rejects, six humans, and one renegade.
That Deluca woman... the older one... just smacked Mikey upside the head. That woman has some taste; maybe she'll knock the hair clean off. Bald has to be better than... that.
I checked out our supplies. They gave us a load of skin lotion (good thing), but they only gave us burgers from that two-bit alien restaurant for food. Suddenly those rats ain't looking so bad.
I'm optimistic about my chances of survival, since I'm used to the outdoors and roughing it out here and I also have knowledge about the earth. Like I showed the group how to pitch their tents. And then when Isabel got bit by a bug, I told Max it was not necessary for him to suck the venom out of her thigh. He looked oddly disappointed, but he just put his crown back on and went out with that Kato guy for a while (?). They said they were getting firewood. They've been gone a really long time though.
Back to Isabel - she's wearing that dress she was going to wear to our first date. There's some cops and FBI agents around, so thank God she's eighteen. The bad part is that she's all over that geeky kid with the volleyball. I don't get it. I'm a geologist - that is the sexiest job on the face of the earth. I must make a point of pitching more tents and getting more bruises I refuse to clean. I am a man. (Neanderthal chest beating) Oh yeah.
But man, I�ve never seen so many sarongs and bikinis in my life. That Courtney chick is hot, too, although she seems more into the freak with the mohawk. I thought that Laurie girl was pretty cool (nothing beats a blonde!), but then she kept asking me if I wanted to smell Grandpa, and I have no idea what the fuck that means. I started wondering what the other team was up to, so this morning while I was looking for a remote place to meditate, I walked towards Frazier Woods. About half way there I heard Evans and his sister talking in the bushes. Well actually, they might have been fighting; I couldn�t tell if she was laughing or crying or what. And then this guy who looks exactly like Max would if he�d been dead for about a week went over to the bushes and said something I couldn�t quite hear, then Isabel�s hand came out and pulled him down into there, too. They must be working on some sort of alliance already. I don�t think it�s gonna work out, though, �cause a few minutes after Dead Max joined them, Isabel got up to leave, screaming, �Well if that�s the way you two want it, I�ll just leave you alone!� Weirdness.
Anyway, I can�t wait for tonight, although Nick said that Lonnie might want that Rath guy in the tent with us, too. He said if that happens, we�ll have to leave and go crash with those FBI chicks who are always giggling and doing each other�s hair and stuff. Although he thinks they might want to be left alone, too. Guess everybody�s working on alliances already.
I met this guy, Eddie. He told me he wants to show me his whistle. I really hope he means that flute he brought.
Max looks so great in that crown. I told him that, then I helped clean some dirt off his face, but then Isabel just copied me and did the same thing, then Alex did too! He�s my husband. Look, his butt isn�t big enough for all of our lips. Mine were there first!
The old guy with the pony tail keeps talking about some guys named Kato and Brian Krakow. Not sure who they are. I think Kato is the other American Indian guy. Apparently he�s the one that �used the bushes� and forgot to bury it with the shovel. Yuck! I want him out of here! I almost stepped in it!
Liz is as whiny as always! Blah, Blah my life is fallink apart! Blah Blah Why won�t Max let me stay in the tent with you and Isabel. Blah Blah Why couldn�t she be in the other tribe! Every day is going to suck until we get her out of here!
Last night I attempted to entertain Lonnie by placing two sticks under my shirt and pretending to have as large a rack as Zan. I was just pretendin' though. No way in hell I'm gonna get so big I'm gonna' need a trainin' bra. At least not from workin' out or anything like that.
I'm not sure what she thought of it. I told her to quit actin' all "ubikadous." I'm sorry, "ubitchadous" and she just stands there all offended 'n shit. So I tried to explain to her how I was feelin' about her but I don't think she got it. So I'm all, "MY LIFE IS FALLIN' APART!" Then I acted all "manly" and stomped off into the woods to contemplate. I'm sorry, I mean masturbate on the subject.
So I was standin' around the other day lookin' at the people in my tribe. With everything we'd been through in the past few hours I couldn�t help but reflect. I'm sorry, reject on everything we'd been through for the past few hours. Like, the battles we'd probably fight, the relationships we probably won't try to form, the feelings. I'm sorry, feelinks we'd have for each other or some shit like that.
Laurie-in-a-Box was there with a funky ass shirt, actin' all "Nell" with the, "Mr. Chickapee, swayin' in the wind" vibe. Ava was there with her badly sun damaged hair. Zan was so good at doing hair. Lonnie was there but clothed. I was hopin' she go all Brook Shields, "Blue Lagoon" with the hair coverin' up her hooter . . . I'm sorry. That ain't proper. Hair coverin' up her headlights or some shit.
Lookin around, it was at that moment I had a really upsetting feelink that this was the last time we'd standin' together. Especially since I think someone busted ass so I was out. It was just friggin' horrible. Why not lock me in a friggin' gas chamber or subject me to Zan's jack-o-friggin-latern smile. I gotta' find out who did that.
Look, my point is that sometimes we try to live responsible, logical lives but we can't tell our colons what to feel. Sometimes our colons lead us to places we never thought we wanted to go. Like the river where we get our drinkin' water. Sometimes our colons can the sweetest gentlest things we have and they can react when we feel miserable, angry, excited or confused all at the same time. But at least my colon isn't open. I'm breathin' and I'm feelink again.
Rath
P.S. That other Michael guy looks nothin' like me. I don't care what anyone says.
The alien with the boobs already tried to get Eddie to work for her by immobilizing his head between her tomtoms. I had to give her three eagle feathers to get him back. She mentioned somthing about "tickle torture" and "sibling rivalry" as she walked away. Crazy white folks.
I have all these deep feelings and I'm conflicted. I think Liz infected me with her angst the last time I was forced to kiss her. I am so tired of having to smack my lips on that metal. How can I break it to her that I never loved her and it was only in my contract to pretend that I did? I mean, have you seen all the beautiful people I'm out here with?! But I really miss Kyle. He's such a good...friend. I know people aren't really aware of our special bond because we spend so much time pretending to fight. *sigh* Zan is here to keep me company though. Isabel got kinda pissy earlier because Zan and I wanted to hang out in the bushes alone. What can I say? Sometimes a man just needs to be left alone with himself, and his other self too.
But I still care very deeply about my sister. She got bit by a bug and I was very concerned. Not because she could get sick, I mean she's an alien and completely immune to bugs and whatnot, but because both Grant and Pierce wanted to help "suck" out the venom. It was rather inappropriate if you ask me.
I'm gonna do push-ups now without my shirt on. Do you want to watch?
Look. I'm sorry that we appear to have gotten off on the wrong foot. If I had thought this misunderstanding would've lead to the unpleasantness this afternoon, I would have been more forthcoming. Now you all know; while I don't consider myself to be a nudist in the strict sense of the term, I do prefer to go bottomless. In my experience, it helps save toilet paper. You've all made it quite clear this is unacceptable in our camp, so I will refrain from such behavior in the future. And, Sheriff, I'm sorry that I sat on your hat. Please don't attempt to clean it; I'll gladly replace it upon our return to civilization.
Signed,
JK
P.S. Who said what about shirtless pushups?
Meanwhile, the perv's been following that Lonnie bitch around like a dog. Oh well, at least with her distracted, I've got more time to, um...get to know Rath better. He's a really sweet guy, I don't know what everyone's complaining about. He helped me rub my lotion in those hard-to-reach places without me even asking...even when my remote was running low on batteries, he managed to...tweak it a bit, and, voila! Good as...new. Damn, I need a cigarette.
Whatever, he may be dumb and kinda smelly, but there's two things he's got going for him that Michael doesn't. First, he knows better than to follow those asses Max and Zan around. And, second, he knows he's the shit. But he's still no leader. I just know that with Michael in charge, there is no way we can go wrong.
So, with all that happening, it's not so bad. I don't even care that I have to share a tent with two chicks like that slut Maria--who I think's been going through my clothes--and the that wacko Laurie. I mean, Laurie's obviously a nut who can't keep her stuff off Michael's clothes...doesn't she know that I have first dibs on his stuff? Whatever, those two I can handle. The old parents bumbling around will be annoying, though.
Also, Max is following me around,begging me to start a sweat in his tent. I told him sure, as long as he got Tess to participate.
Well, what can I say. I think I'm one of the few people in this tribe that hasn't been what word is it they keep using, 'boffing' Max. I mean, sure he was looking good doing those shirtless push-ups but he's just not my type. He gets around too much. Probably doesn't return phone calls either.
Riverdog is creeping me out. He keeps mumbling about crazy white people and stuff like that. At least JK put his pants back on. Now that was frightening!
I wish Hal was here. I just love a man in uniform. I gotta go find the Sheriff again. I got in a few kisses earlier today. Maybe the fact that I look so much like Maria is scaring him off. Or maybe it turns him on. turns on tape recorderNote to self: look deeper into the Sheriff's feelings towards Maria.turns it off Now, where was I?
Oh yeah, I'd go for Pierce if he wasn't all over the Congresswoman. He looks really good in that suit. And it's too bad that the British guy is in the other camp. His accent is so sexy.
I wish Alex would stop playing with that volleyball and would play with me. I mean, let me play volleyball with him.
It was the funniest thing earlier when Eddie was playing his whistle... I could play his--Anyway, Liz's wire kept shorting out or something of the sorts.
Oh, no, the robot, I mean, Liz--no, I was right before, the robot is looking for me. I have to go. Maybe I can get Eddie to play his whistle again.
Well, SOME of us have to put up with our girlfriend being stuck in the other tribe -- does that suck, or what? On the other hand, there's some really nice scenery around here. Practically jailbait, but nice. Hang a sarong on that Evans girl, and you've got a prime layout from the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Ah, shit, we're gonna miss the playoffs out here ...
Oh, Lord, Max is off in a corner muttering about "what it takes to be a leader" again. Better lock up the extra Tabasco
Hey, what the hell happened to my hat???!!!
[ cut ]
Well, yeah, there's Van. But she's been rationing the mousturizer, and I don't get off on the dry look, you know? And it's worse when they get . . . sticky. You know a sunburn? How there's that time when you can get it wet and then dry it off, you can rub the burn off?
Cameraman: Yeah.
Well, it's like that.
Cameraman: Yuck.
Welcome to my world.
[ shudders ]
Come on Jim, Focus...I've gotta get that image out of my head. Let's see...where was I...oh yeah...brought all that coffee but forgot my espresso machine. Damn, now I'll have to MAKE one. Good thing I took that extension course, "Wilderness Survival for the Modern Guy". It's come in very handy already. I was able to transform that hideous yellow tent with some gauzy pink shades I wove from the inner bark of a mature hickory tree, and a few scented candles I whipped up out of some spare shoelaces and pine sap. Elegant, but understated, kinda kicky, and definitely FUN! The pink light is so much more becoming. One needs all the magic one can get, besides, Max said he might come over for dinner later. Oh look...there he is doing pushups wearing nothing but shorts and his crown. Beautiful...the way the late afternoon sun glistens off his young sweaty shoulders and back and...dammit Jim...focus.
I wonder if I have time to go hunt some truffles and wild mushrooms. I wonder if he even likes truffles...don't be silly Jim, everyone likes truffles. I think I saw some wild ramps that will really add pizazz to that salad of dandelion greens, nasturtium flowers, roasted pine nuts, and elderberry dressing. Huzzah...dinner fit for a king!
OK, so Laurie is like my sister and all, but I think I'm going to have to talk to her about sniffing me all the time. Now, I know how special she is, and totally NOT crazy, but I think it may be freaking some of the others out. People just don't understand when you're a little different, that's all. I think she's getting along with Miss Topolsky, though. They were having a sweet conversation comparing the time they spent in the nuthouse. Nice that she has friends.
The food situation was looking pretty bleak for a while. Mrs. Evans tried to make something called a rice frittata. I was going to choke it down, but then Kyle suggested I use my "wacked alien powers." I was like, well, hell, I don't have any ketchup, and what good would mustard do us anyway on a rice fritatta? And just because she's a crappy cook doesn't mean that I want to give Mrs. Evans that itchy rash. But he said I could turn the FRITATTA into a pizza or something. Dude, how cool is that??? Hey, maybe like, in the future, when I need stuff, I could use my powers to turn rocks and stuff into bowls of Cocoa Puffs and ice cream and shit. This alien power stuff could kick ass. Wish I had thought of this years ago! Can't wait to tell Max and Isabel.
You know, Kyle is turning out to be a pretty cool guy. It's weird, cause Max is the only guy friend I've ever had. Hanging out with Kyle is different, though. First of all, he doesn't touch my ass whenever we're alone. I thought that's just what guys did together when they hung out. Do you think maybe it's not? Or is that just a thing close guy friends do? Hmmm. The other thing that's cool about hanging with Kyle, is that he doesn't go on and on and ON about his freaking boring ass romance with Liz. Kyle showed me this peephole into one of the girl's tents, and well, I got a little tentpole action of my own, if you know what I'm saying. I think Kyle may have too. Either that, or he's way too fond of that stuffed animal of his. Now THAT was like hanging out with Max.
At first I was kinda bummed about the whole male-to-female ratio at the camp, but this could turn out to be a pretty good deal, even without a television. What with the desert heat and all, Kyle and I are thinking of digging out a swimming pool. But instead of water, we're going to use the jello. That Lonnie nutjob will definitely be up for it. And with the looks she and Ava have been giving each other, this whole thing could start looking up really soon. As Kyle said, who needs free porn when you have Dupes?
That Isabel chick keeps looking at me weird. Something about her makes me feel all icky.
The first day was pretty much a bust. No one knows what they�re doing, especially not me. I�m a New Yorker, what the fuck do I know about living the woods? All these trees and birds and shit are beginning to make me paranoid. I can�t even talk to my bitch �cause she�s in the other camp. Maybe today we can eat something besides that mushy rice. Fried rats would taste better than that crap; I know this from personal experience.
One of the girls here has shiny brown hair. There�s something about her . . .
So I was totally primed last night for some major action, since that Lonnie chick was giving me the eyes all day. But ten minutes after we got in the tent, that mohawk freak came crashing in and told Nicholas and I that if we didn�t leave he�d explode our heads using the power of his mind. So then we went to the tent with the FBI agents and Ms. DeLuca, but they were having some kind of a fight about who saw my dad first, and I just did not need to hear that. So we ended up crashing outside the third tent, and the next day Michael came out and found us. I told him what happened and he told me that I can sleep in there from now on if I need to. He�s a pretty cool guy. He said later he�ll try to help me tap into my new alien powers by teaching me to blow stuff up. That�d be pretty cool.
Never thought I�d be into the male bonding thing on this trip, but it seems like guys are all I talk to. Nicholas keeps telling me all this stuff about what a crappy leader Max was on the home planet and how he totally deserved to die. I�m like, �Dude, I could tell you some stories too, trust me.� I knew that Senor Presidente had to be the result of some really bad karma. I wonder if karma works differently when you�re reborn as yourself? Anyway, I get the feeling that Nicholas wants to take Max down, but I�m not sure if I want to join in any alliances right now. As the Buddha would say, �In the final analysis, a man is guided by his own inner promptings, though the example of others may seem to guide him.�
That Laurie chick is really starting to grate on everyone�s nerves. This morning she was going on and on about how her Grandpa did this and her Grandpa did that and finally Courtney told her to shut the hell up. Then Laurie started screaming, �Please don�t put me in the ground!� over and over again until Michael finally hauled her away. I have a feeling she is not going to be any help in the challenges.
Well, I need to go meditate for awhile, and then the English guy and I are going swimming. He said he used to wrestle in college, so we might try a little match later. I told him I got four pins in my last meet, and he was really impressed. It�ll be cool if I can keep practicing and stay in shape out here. Maybe Michael and Nicholas will want to join in, too.
I was trying to find Isabel earlier and interrupted her and Max wresteling in a clearing not too far from the main camp. Ha ha ha. I'll bet they fought like that all the time when they were kids. So I yelled "dog pile!" and jumped right in. And then...well, who would have known? Max finally thanked me properly for saving his life in the hospital last year...
Liz is looking kind of lonely. I think I'll go keep her company for a while. At least until Isabel comes back--she seems to have disappeared again!
*looks down*
*looks from side to side*
Cameraman: now is the time when you talk
Ava: *stares blankly into the camera *
Cameraman: Its confessional- like where you confess what you think about what's going on here.
Ava: *continues to stare into the camera*
I envisioned a glorious, perpetual orgy involving myself, Pierce, and whomever else would join us. But when I asked the sheriff if he'd like to join Pierce and me for a menage a toi, he said he wasn't hungry. And then I started to worry that someone here could really be Nasedo. I might have to kill him again! But how do I find him? Hmmm.... Can you hold on a sec?
*Pulls out intergaliactic cell phone and dials really long number*
Hey sis, it's me. I'm out in the woods with a bunch of humans and a few of our sworn enemies, and I'm afraid one of them might be Nasedo. You got any ideas of what to do? ... Uh-huh, I did sleep with him. ... You're a genius, sis, thanks a bunch.
*Closes phone, looks at camera*
My sister has this great idea that is I have sex with everyone on camp, I'll eventually recognize Nasedo by his moves! I'd better get to work.
Cameraman: I hope not.
I almost got a little action from Pierce. But then that girlfriend of his who keeps shedding-and let me just add, EW-came into the tent and asked me what the hell we thought we were doing, not inviting her. Well, that got a little weird for me. Especially when she started glowing, so I high-tailed it outta there. Wouldn't you have?
Cameraman: When she wanted to join or when she started glowing?
What kinda woman do you think I am?
Cameraman: Well, it is 2001.
I am fully aware of that but I'm from 1947! We simply don't do things like that. Or at least we don't talk about it.
Cameraman: I would've left when she started glowing.
Exactly what I did.
And Isabel and Max, the siblings, talk about incest. I mean, I realize they're aliens and that they may do things differently on there home planet, but you must admit that it's just wrong!
Cameraman: Hey, it brings in ratings.
Yeah, well. I really could use a drink. Something hard. I wonder if I can get Zan to manipulate some of this creek water or whatever the hell it is. Or Tess. She seems pretty nice. She's a lot better than the robot girl.
Or maybe Jim can make me something. He's becoming Mr. Nature Guy. He made some really beautiful curtains yesterday. And he asked me this morning if I would mind pretending to be Maria just once. You know, let my hair down, shorten my skirt, undo a few buttons on my top. I thought it was a bit odd at first but hey, as long as I get some action, I'm good.
And Eddie played his whistle for me last night. We got some laughs out of hearing the robot girl's shrieks when he hit the high notes. Then we rolled around a little. He's pretty fun. I gotta make sure I get his number before this whole thing is over.
Anyway, I gotta go see if Sean can help me put on some sun block lotion. That sun's really shining today. God help anybody who looks at the robot girl's shiny hair while the sun's reflecting off of it, they'll go blind. I wonder if I brought a pair of sunglasses with me.
The nerve of those women! The nerve!
Cameraman: Uh... ma'am... over here...
Watch it cameraboy!
Cameraman: Something wrong?
*walks right up to the camera, major close-up*
He's mine! You got that? I have him fair and square, I had him first and will have him last, okay? Everybody knows I've had him ever since he nearly ran me over! That Topolsky woman has nothing, NOTHING! And Duff? I won't even go there...
*calmed a bit, she sits down*
That Nicholas boy seems to like me...
Oh! I may have found someone for poor Laurie... *smiles* Yes, the matchmaker will strike again...
I miss Jim... my alien doll can't do what... uh... never mind...
Um... challenge today. Gotta go talk to the others... Bye!
Also, Isabel told me that Max was going to do some push ups without his top on near the Pohlman Ranch, on the other side of the island. After being kicked out of the area by loads of friendly people, i got lost, and didn't find my way back home until much later. When I got back, my friend Alex told me that he'd actually done them really nearby, and everyone else had seen it. I guess Isabel must have made a mistake...
Max still isn't paying me that much attention. I think he's worried that maybe if he does, Isabel or Tess would get worried that he loves me more than them. Which he does. Especially Tess. I hate Tess. Max is so caring sometimes. And he does push ups without his top on. I love Max, we were meant to be together. I wonder where Sean is...
Oh, before I go, do you know if there's anywhere I can keep my leaf-journal where it won't get attached by caterpillars? Thanks.
[whispers] It's terrible being out here in the wilderness. It changes a person.
Maybe it's just all the overactive hormones in the camp getting to me. I swear I've never seen so many horny teenagers in my life - you'd think none of these kids had ever gotten boffed. Of course, I was swinging at the tender age of fifteen, and managed to impregnate three or four girls before I was eighteen. It's the hair. Chicks dig the hair. I'd better be careful, though, there are several policewomen out here with us. Why couldn't I have ended up in Valenti's camp? At least he understands what it's like to lust after young meat.
I miss my little angel. And my subscription to Teen. There's not much to do out here besides ogle young people and try to calculate our precise celestial location using only a jell-o square and a piece of horse manure.
Cameraman: Yeah.
Am I right?
Cameraman: Most definitely.
Anyways, people keep staring at me funny when I'm with Max. What? We're brother and sister. We're CLOSE. We look out for each other. You don't know what that bug bite could have done if it had combined with my alien essence. Or what would have happened if I hadn't have swabbed out that dirt from Max's mouth with my tongue. I mean come on! You people can't possibly imagine what it's like to be us. Besides, I have to take what action I can get since Max seems to be getting it all. That bitch. At least I have those three feathers I got from River Dog to..ahem..keep me preoccupied when Max is away. I think I could get some side action from Valenti, but I think he may even be too old for me. And I like em old.
*sigh* I told Grant I'd help him pluck his eyebrows after I was done 'playing volleyball' with Alex and Pierce. I think Pierce only wants to play with us to piss off Whittaker and make Max jealous. That's fine, as long as I'm getting as much as I can before people start getting booted off. Liz and JK I'm looking at you.
Sorry about that. I looked at Liz's hair and now I can't see out of my right eye. Hopefully, it'll clear up eventually for the challenge.
I swear all the people here have a major hormonal imbalance. That Betty girl asked me to rub some suntan lotion on her. So, I'm like, "Betty there is no sun. The trees are blocking it." I know she wanted me to do a lot more then that. But, she looks so much like Maria, it would kind of be weird.
I should ask Isabel what to do. I saw her "wrestling" with Zan. The whole looking like her brother thing doesn't seem to bother her. Maybe, I should give it a try..
You know what I've been thinking?
Camera Guy: What?
If a tree falls in the woods and no one's there to see it, does it make a sound?
Camera Guy: It might..
*Looks over, then looks back at camera*
I gotta go! Liz spotted me. She keeps mumbling something about soulmates and destiny to me. One more word about that shit and I'm gonna pull out her plug.
*Hurries off into tent*
Only two days on the island, and already things have heated up among our Survivors. Max and Isabel's close -- perhaps too close -- relationship has some people suspecting an early alliance forming. Kato has gotten off to an inauspicious start. Strategy-wise, perhaps waving his unimpressive genitalia into the faces of his tribe wasn't the best way to go. And things aren't looking so good for Liz. Hopefully, she won't find out from one of my normally discreet camera crew what kind of push-ups our Max has really been doing to keep in shape. That would be terrible.
Over in Pohlman Ranch, things are a little quieter. Except for the sounds of Laurie screaming. Once Michael and Kyle finish installing that Jello pool, however, we should be seeing a bit more action, er, I mean strategizing.
Challenge (for the night 'Cry Your Name' aired)
One thing I�m sure we�ve all learned from the �Bot
Is that she likes to say her true love�s name a lot.
If 10 times in tonight�s ep she utters his name,
The Frazier Woods tribe springs ahead in the game.
But if we don�t hear �Max� from her 10 times tonight,
The Pohlman Ranch crew wins the immunity fight.
Keep count and good luck!
Good luck with your challenge, and I'll see the losing tribe at the Tribal Council, which will be held at the scenic Granolith Chamber. And for you viewers at home, stay tuned for information on how to order "Roswell Survivor: Too Hot for TV!
So I went to Michael's tent, and apparently he spilled Jello in his pants and that girl Courtney was helping him get it out. With her tongue. That's what they told me at least. Maria was still asleep.
Courtney totally hates me, too. Like, this morning while we were eating Cocoa Puffs--I'm not supposed to tell this to anyone, but Michael has been turning twigs and stuff into real food. You're not going to tell them that, are you?
Cameraman: Uh...
Good. Anyway, we were eating Cocoa Puffs, and I said how Grandpa and I always used to eat Cocoa Puffs together on Sunday morning right after we got out of bed. Courtney told me to shut up and that nobody wanted to hear about my damn perverted grandpa anyway. I screamed at her. That shut her up.
I must be the only one here who isn't getting any. You know that weird guy, the foreign guy, who looks like a cat crawled up onto his head and died there?
Cameraman: Uh...
Well, him. Whenever he walks past that Nicholas kid the guy winks at him. I think something may be going on there.
I don�t know what I�m complaining about. Today was much better than yesterday. After putting my foot in it (both figuratively and literally - ALEX!) yesterday, there was only room for improvement.
It occurred to me this afternoon that I picked a bad time to be out of the office. Renewal news is on its way soon. Oh, well�I�m sure everything�s real quiet at the WB. I mean, let�s be serious. When was the last time the WB did anything newsworthy? That renewal is a piece of cake.
We played a fun game of �80s kareoke around the fire today. Tess performed a stirring version of "Naughty Girls (Need Love Too)" (complete with back-up from Max, Alex and Eddie). Isabel�s cover of "True Colors"was also commendable, but I think she ruined the mood by fellating her brother during the bridge. I was feeling pretty confident about my duet with Whittaker on "We Built This City," but Valenti really knocked it out of the park with "The Lady in Red." That was my junior prom song - the prom I didn�t get to go to because my D&D tournament went late that night. Oh, and the Lizbot performed a disturbing version of "Rock Me, Amadeus." Brutal. Please don�t ask. I�ll never get that jerking out of my head. And remember Maria�s singing voice from the show? Well, her doppelganger ain�t got it.
So I went out and gathered firewood this morning. I was quite far from the camp when I saw a plane fly over, with a banner that read "*Dreamer4eva*F.R.O.G.*CandyClanner*Gazer*HairBrigade*" What could it mean? WWMD? (What would Max do?)
Oh, one last thing: Valenti, haven�t you ever heard of shrinkage? I simply was not at my best. But any of the teenagers who have worked on any of my shows can vouch for the fact that I come up with the goods when I need to. So there!
You want some of this bitch? You want some of this! You don't want none' of this! I know you don't fool!
Cameraman: Could you stop that?
(Continues to punch wildly towards the lens of the camera before mooning the camera.)
Cameraman: Holy Mother of God!
You know you like it -- your ratings just went through the friggin' roof!
Cameraman: Did you have something to say?
Okay bro'! I got somethin' to confess. I'm sorry, I mean digest. I was sittin' last night -- poking Laurie-in-A-Box with a stick. A real stick. I wasn't usin' the "Rath of Kahn" on her or anything. I have my standards! No fat or crazy chicks! Ever! Unless . . . they're . . . loyal . . . viewers or some shit.
Camerman: That's right . . . .
Alright, so I'm pokin' Laurie with a stick and I realized somethin'. I've got to confess my love to Courtney cause . . . she's totally gonna' be my main squeeze of the week!
Cameraman: That's sweet Rath . . . I'm surprised.
You gotta hear this shit. It's tight. I want it on Total Request Live tommrow you know. With that fat, ugly, Carson Daily bitch. You know . . . to show my love or some shit!
Cameraman: You must be really in love with her.
Damn, I'm almost ready to take a shower for that woman!
Cameraman: Okay then . . . go ahead.
I'm gonna' need Laurie's help. Oh, and I need you to bee-bop later cause it starts out slow then I break it down -- freestyle!
Okay everybody -- shut up and listen!
When I'm upset you comfort me! Love-ly Court-ney!
If we were in a circus, I bet you'd contort me!
Dear Court-ney!
If I attempted to kill you, you'd never report me!
Sweet Court-ney!
(the Cameraman begins to bob his head)
If I were a fetus you'd never abort me! Crazy Court-ney!
Cameraman: What the hell kinda' sick shit . . .
What the hell you say!
Cameraman: Oh, that's . . . sweet . . . I think.
Shut up man! Here here's the rap part.
Hit me! Spank me! Go ahead and shank me!
Gonna' get yer' legs in the air and you won't have to thank me.
We might not be back, next fall
but lets break it down with the roll call!
Lonnie's the one with big headlights --
but it's with her brother she'd rather spend the night.
Peeps say New York Ava is a big ol' fool,
Bet ya' more than one dude took a dip in that pool.
Agent Duff is really Buff'
Bet ya' Maria wishes she was that tough.
Word is Brody wants to be all up in that --
Not much to be up in cause her "pop" is flat
. . . if you know what I mean and I think you do!
Cameraman: I do . . . I do.
Somebody should tell Michael he's ugly as hell.
He should be in a tower, ringing a bell!
LizBot was built to last.
Zan's got his hand on Kyle's ass!
Got Bangs and Nicholas screamin' for more . . .
Speakin of that, Laurie take the floor!
Go Laurie!
Laurie: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Say what?
Laurie: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I can't hear you!
Laurie: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Louder!
Laurie: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Camerman: Go Laurie! Go Laurie! Go Laurie! Go Laurie! Go Laurie!
Laurie: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
Rath: Stop! Section! Grand Rap Master Rath Exitin' Stage Right Biatch! Make some noise in this joint man!
Cameraman: Wow . . . Rath! That was . . . special.
Yeah, I know! Like me! But not in that special way or anything.
Cameraman: No . . . not in that special way. (wink)
Samantha Fox is such a wild dame...S-S-S-Samantha...S-S-S-Samantha Fox...
I'm just feeling a bit jumpy since Maria and I finally had a go at it today. But, really, I wasn't looking for trouble, it was all her! All I did was tell Mikey he was looking a little tense and that I could give him a back rub if he wanted. Next thing you know she's giving me that evil eye and asking me if my button needs any help pushing. I told her it was fine, but if she wanted to come by later....
Where was I? Oh, right. She charged me and we ended up falling into this muddy ditch. *shudder* It was so wet in there! Then we were wrestling, and the mud got us...so dirty. Michael, Rath, that other hottie, Kyle, Brody...yeah, none of them tried to break it up. They were probably as shocked by her behavior as I was, you know? Anyways she didn't tear too many skin layers off, 'cause we were pretty slippery. I almost got her bikini top, though, but we were really exhausted by then. On my way back to the tent, Michael told me my lips were looking chapped and advised me to use Maria's lip gloss. I told him that'd just get her pissed again and he asked me what my point was.
Whatever, anything to make my leader happy. Really, if there's anything he needs at all, he knows he doesn't have to hesitate to ask. I'm ready to serve, and always aim to please. Just ask Lonnie. We've done some bonding, too. She says she misses having both Rath and Zan here at the same time, so I'm helping her...adjust. I wonder how that piercing's doing. It hurt her at first, but she says she liked it. It should be just ready by now, though....
I gotta go.
The boyz are making a pool with Jello, Mr. Teddybear said he's a wrestler and that when they fill it, he'll show me some takedowns, cause he meditated, and Buddha said I wasn't his sister- whatever that means. Ya know, with some tatoos and a goatee- that dude could be epic.
Litte Nicky keeps hangin around, tellin me he "remembers me" and how we used to kick back at home, and that maybe me him and Lonnie can hit the mudpit where Maria and that girl with the peeling skin were for a little wrestlin match fo our own. It did kinda look like fun, maybe if Lonnie thinks its a good idea...
*looks away*
*Yells off camera* Yo Rath dat song is epic!
*looks back*
Um....
uhh..
*looks away again*
*yells off camera again* Comin
*looks back*
Lonnie needs help with her lotion again. Peace.
Coming Lonnie......
Rath walks by
Yo Rath, that shit was tite!! (waves her fist...turns back to the camera) Yo, the boy may be dumb as a bag of leaves, but he can rap like a mo-fo.
Anywayz, I guess I gotta be the brains around this bitch. DId you see the challenge!!? Stop that brain dead robot from saying Max ten times. Yo, I think she says his name like in her sleep. So, I grabbed Ava and we snuck over to Frazier Woods..
[Gratuitous slo-mo shot of Lonnie and Ava running in bikinis.]
...We found the bot, she was wandering alone while everyone else was watching Max do push-ups. She was talking to herself. Some shit about soulmates and battery-recharging. Anywayz, me and Ava dumped a half ton of salt water on her robotic ass. Yeah, that otta shut that bitches mouth up. Heh. Hopefully, those morons will be too busy watching Max's pecs to notice her mouth rusted up.
Did I tell you I got a new piercing? Yeah, Courtney did it for me. Wanna see? (Opens bikini) I'm gonna ask her to do the other one tonight.... Man, piercings make me miss Zan. Dumb as fuck but he can do wonders with that studded tongue. is your tongue pierced?
Cameraman: Uh....no.
Shit, what the fuck am I talking to you for!?! (wanders away) Yo, Ava, got any lotion left?
My foxy self was locked up in the nut house too long. I was looking rather to' up (from the flo' up) when I last saw these people. It feels amazing to wear makeup again. Granted I was only able to bring one item, but at least I have some shine to my lips. Don't you just l-o-v-e it? **Purses lips, and winks at camera man**
Agent Duff helped me get my hair in reasonable condition, but I don't trust the bitch. She could have been sent by Pierce to kill me. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer�
But I don't want to be any where near that Amy woman. She's just an over the hill single mother of a teenager. If Valenti wants to spend some quality time after dark with a real woman it's his business. I'd rock his word so hard he'd lose his soul.
Since Jim's over at the other ranch I might just have to get my kicks from the young ones first. Kyle is looking pretty tastey these days. First the son then the father. Sounds like a plan. Although that Isabell look-alike Lonnie was looking at me kind of funny. Could be interesting. I think I'll just have to keep my options open. **Winks at camera man**
*sigh* I know this is out of character for me, since I'm the boring morose King, but I am pissed. Man, I am so glad Isabel is here. She is keeping me sane. Well, her, Tess, Zan, Alex, Whittaker, Eddie, even JK-the-pantless wonder. Pierce is even pretty cool. We've started this fun game with the stun gun. When you point it at certain parts of your body, er, I mean...yeah, he's cool. Once we get out of here, we're gonna start working out together so he can build up pecs like mine. They are rather pretty, aren't they?
Though Michael and Laurie In A Box (wow, some other parents who don't know how to bestow a name on their child... *scoffs in disgust*) keep sneaking off into the woods for long periods of time...I wonder what's happening there? And how that nice Liz Parker's friend Maria is feeling about that?
Hmm...I guess that's all I'm up for talking about now...time to go try my newest creation...spinach asparagus casserole! Bon appetit!
But Courtney's here, and she's been all over Michael ... and now today she keeps walking past and asking me if I ever made Jell-O for him. She's such a bitch! She tried to pull my top off when we were fighting before.... I think there's something about all the female aliens. Lonnie and Ava have been rubbing lotion on each other for two entire days nonstop, and now Courtney's trying to feel me up!
And if that's not bad enough, my mother is here! At least I threw her off by flirting with Brody the other day. Mom came flying over and hit him with her stupid Sheriff substitute. It was pretty damn funny, actually. She's so freakin' clueless.
But there's no way I'm losing my virginity to someone other than Michael, so I have to get Courtney out of the way. Otherwise I'm gonna be cherry forever. All those makeout sessions at Michael's apartment, and not once has he even tried to go all the way. I think being out here for a while, once we get rid of some of these freaks, will get him going. But now that I think about it, maybe all the aliens have nontraditional sexual preferences. Michael has been hanging out with Kyle a lot since we got here and they were never friendly, and I've never understood the connection Max and Isabel have. I've never seen siblings act so, well, intimate.
Back to Courtney: She's in with Michael and Kyle, so I can't get rid of her yet, but that bitch has got to go. Then I need to send my mother home. She'll want to go too, since she misses the Sheriff so much. I guess she never notices the looks he gives me.
*gets up to walk away, then turns back to camera* Oh, and that psycho bitch FBI agent keeps slathering her old-lady lipstick on like she's all that. There's only room for one blond with moist pink lips on this ranch, and it ain't her!
O.k., so I guess you all noticed last night that I died. And you're probably all a little surprised to still see me here. If it helps you to think of me as "still with us" please do. However, the truth is, that I will perpetually be here as I was last night: at my most adorable and believeable with Isabel. A ghost with substance, if you will. Perfectly capable, I assure you, to still "play volleyball."
Oh, and I have an announcement to make. Tribe 1 will shall be referred to as THE GRANOLUST TRIBE for the remainder of the game.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel a game of volleyball coming on... I'll be right there, Isabel!
Maybe Sean'll let me interview him about life in jail, too.
I'll be back for my confessional later. I just needed to fume.
Cameraman: What's up?
I am so happy! And you know what? It has nothing to do with our victory. 'Cause I knew we'd win... I heard those two girls... uh... Lonnie and Ava? Anyway, I heard they went over to Frazier woods and did something to Liz... whatever they did, it shut her up for a bit... don't get me wrong, I love the girl, she's my daughter's best friend, but damn!
Cameraman: What?
Nevermind. Anyway, I'm happy because because I showed those two FBI chicks... now they know not to mess with me. Yup. I had him first and that's that.
I got another mission now...
Cameraman: What is it?
Oh... you'll see...
Anyway, I think my daughter is up to something. And now I'm gonna go investigate... Can you watch my little alien man? I saw how those girls looked at it...
Cameraman: Uh... sure...
Thanks! Later!
Also, when my hair was being attacked by a blackbird, and Betty just, like, looked right at me, and then carried on walking!!!
I talked to Alex about it, and he explained to me that apparently i didn't say Max's name enough times. I think that's quite strange, cos I say Max a lot. And anyway, would Max want me saying Max all the time? Surely Max would just want me to call him 'soulmate', instead of Max. I wonder where Max is anyway. Max definately wouldn't have left me for the blackbird. Max is so caring, and he is really good at push ups. I love Max. Max is my soulmate.
Oh my God! Don't tell anyone, but something happened with me and Sean last night!! I was in my tent, talking to him about Max, and he suddenly just, like, leaned over to me and started cleaning bits of dirt from my mouth with his tongue! But there was no dirt in my mouth!!!! It was actually quite fun though, so I think i'm gonna fill my mouth with mud, so when he next sees me he'll have to clean me again!
I still love Max though. He is my soulmate, and I would never cheat on him with anyone. But still, i'm gonna go find Sean...
In order to lighten the mood, I initiated a spirited game of T.V. Tag after lunch, to the amusement of most. It took awhile before people caught on to my strategy of picking shows with short names (Alf, 227, CSI, et al). Whittaker really didn�t ever figure it out, though. Try shouting out Suddenly Susan or Star Trek: The Next Generation while collapsing into an Indian-style sit, all while wearing a mini-skirt. I think that�s why she�s so pissy towards me today. Add to that the fact that Max instituted a policy of administering wedgies to the losers. By the third round, Whittaker had lost the elastic waist band to her panties, which River Dog made into a headband by sticking some feathers in it. And, BTW, Zan? The show is called E.R., not Er.
It became clear later in the day who might be ready for a trip back to Roswell. As you can imagine, hostility towards Lizbot is running high at our camp. Max tried to convince us to go easy on her, but, ahem� some of us took matters into our own hands. We were all quite shocked by what a poor loser Sheriff Valenti is. When he heard that the Bot didn�t come through on the Challenge, he chased for about a quarter of a mile (yeah, we were surprised she got that far too!) and started choking the life out of her. He just grabbed her by the neck with one hand, picked her up off the ground and started shaking her like a ragdoll. Sean and Pierce tried to subdue him, but he just started kicking and screaming and spitting at all of us. Luckily, by then, Lizbot had initiated her Emergency Shutdown Protocols and was dormant. Finally, we convinced him to let her go. As we wandered back to camp, Pierce gave him a good tazer in the ass which knocked him out cold. He�s been asleep in the tent ever since. As a tribe, we really can�t allow this sort of behavior, so it�s probably best if either Liz or the Sheriff leaves. And public opinion in the tribe seems to be leaning "anti-droid."
I'm sittin' on my ass, out here in Frazier woods,
I'm tellin' you my friends, ain't gonna come to no good.
I been out here three days, and I'm gettin' kinda gamey,
And I get a full on chubby every time I think of Amy.
It's embarrassin' man, and I'm gettin close to snappin',
Tonight they're gonna hear the sound of one hand clappin'.
I'm sure it won't be hard to find a body who'd be willin',
But everywhere I look I don't see nothin' but chillins'.
They're barely out of diapers, it's like robbin' the cradle,
But I gotta do sumpin', fore my condition turns fatal.
I've gotta get some action, I'm sure Amy'd understand,
I know if she were here she'd take the matter in hand.
The problem is to find a gal who's old enough for me,
I'd have to add their ages up, and it would take three.
Hey, that's an idea, get three kids in my tent,
No matter how you cut it, that's an evening well spent.
I'd have Lizzy on the top, and Izzy underneath
And Tess'd be just standin' by, in case they need relief.
Or maybe Betty up on top, then I'd be in heaven,
From what I've heard, they taught 'em well in 1947.
But what if Max came crawlin' in, that changes the equation,
I think we'd all surrender to that alien invasion.
You know, I think this just might work, I'll set up some alliances.
It's gotta be more fun than screwing vibrating appliances.
Besides, I gotta have some allies if I'm gonna survive,
And there's a "ho" lot more to livin' than just stayin' alive.
Jim Valenti
::Smirks at the camera guy::
I kissed her. It was pretty cool. She seemed to like it. Except she kept saying something about dirt afterwards. I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.
Then Valenti tried to kill her. He was like strangling her and saying, "Robotic piece of shit! Die, bitch, die!" It took Pierce's tazer gun to get him off of her. Luckily, she was so happy that I helped save her, she let me kiss her again. She had dirt in her mouth at the time, but I just worked my way around it.
I have to do the whole tribal council deal. I'm not sure who I'm voting off yet. I'm thinking Liz. I mean, I like making out with her and stuff, but the dirt is kind of grossing me out. Besides, she's runs really wierd and that might ruin immunity challenges.
::Looks away from camera, then back::
Isabel is wearing the dress again! Gotta go!
::Runs off, almost tripping over feet::
What are looking at me like that for?!
Camera guy: Nothing. I think maybe you're just being a little harsh that's all.
Oh please! Look, Jason Katims isn't writing this show, so I get to keep my fucking spine thank you very much.
Camera guy: Alright, geez...
So as I was saying, how much did I love the smackdown that the Sherrif gave to Lizbot? That my friends was good television. Apparently everyone believes that we're going to UPN next season, so they're trying to institute some crossover programing. If I get to smell what the Rock is cooking (if you know what I'm sayin..and I think you do), then I'm down with that. I really wouldn't mind being on the receiving end of his 'Rock Bottom.' Speaking of rock bottoms... have you seen Valenti's ass???
Camera guy: No, no, I can't say that I have.
You really should check it out. For a man his age, you could bounce a quarter off of it. I know earlier I said that he was too old even for me, but I'm thinking I may retract that. Variety is the spice of life right? And the selection of ass in these woods is going to get real old, real quick, so I might as well add Valenti to the mix. Can't teach an old dog new tricks? We'll just see about that now won't we?
Camera guy: Have you done anything other than screw people the whole time you've been here?
Yes! It's not like there's fish to catch in the woods or anything. I've caught some forest animals for food. Well I guess caught isn't quite the right word. Anyways, my hands are a ready made oven. I haven't seen Pierce do much else besides play with his tazer and my brother. Alex doesn't really seem to need food anymore, he just floats around. And what has that bitch Whittaker done to help everyone out huh? Exactly, NOTHING. Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, you're not my brother, so get off my ass.
Camera guy: Fine! It's was just a question.
Yeah well maybe you should pack your bags along with Liz...
::adjusts bust of dress giving a gratuitous clevage shot to the camera and walks off::
::To Sean:: Stop staring at me delinquent!
Poor Alex. He was really cute. Now he's dead. I mean, there's a ghost around here. Sure, I died, too, but it's not like Katims knows anything about continuity, so I'm still around here.
And back to the robot girl--
Cameraman: Why don't you ever call her Liz?
Because if I start referring to the robot girl as a person instead of the robot it is, then I might actually feel compassion or sympathy for her and be nice to her. I don't want to be nice to her. Besides, she's all over Sean now. Just when he was starting to warm up to me. I might have to do something about that...
And Whittaker, she keeps winking at me. And Pierce asked me if I wanted to play with his tazer gun. I'm not sure if he meant his actual tazer gun or something else. I'm gonna have to dig deeper into that. Either way, I'm bound to have some fun, right?
Cameraman: I guess.
I heard some of the Sheriff's rap earlier.
::sees Jim & yells:: Hey Sheriff, I'm 24! Come by my tent after we leave the Granolith Chamber, okay?
Cameraman: You do realize he's dating the mother of the girl who looks just like you?
I'm perfectly aware of that. And believe me, so is he.
And well, I tried to go another round with Eddie but I'm just not sure things are gonna work out. There seems to be a bit of a language barrier. Actually, it's more like he just can't understand my accent. Damn Jason Katims for making me this way. But I'm sure I'll find some way around it.
::looks off:: Dammit, Whittaker, if you don't stop looking at me like that, I'm gonna get Isabel to blow your ass up again!
Well, I'm off. I'm playing a game of, uh, volleyball with Alex, Zan, and Tess.
Anyways...
So Eddie showed me his whistle last night at the camp fire. I was so surprised that he actually meant his flute, not his penis. I mean, I was expecting him to drop his pants and ask me to �play the flute.� I guess he�s not so bad after all.
Jason Katims is still walkin� around without his pants claiming, �I have nothing to hide!� Now that�s just gross.
Whatever, the sheriff's getting my vote.
And another thing, Sean went off a while ago to steal snacks and stuff from the cameramen and crew, and Max is doing some activity with Isabel and Alex... something about going into a van and making it shake a little... they said there was no room for me.
So I was all alone, my manly man self, and Liz and I got to talking and she asked me stuff about my job and geology. So being a MAN (more chest-beating), I talked for about two hours straight. So I'm thinking she's really into me - no one enjoys science that much, right? Pretty soon I'm going to make my rugged manly move, so I don't want her voted off just yet.
Awww shit! My eye! Fuck me!
Camerman: Rath! Rath! What's going on here?
Who's that? Get away from me Zan not tonight!
Camerman: What?
Oh! Shit! It's you, da geek with da camera. It was friggin' horrible! I was out here with Ava, Lonnie and all my other hoes when we found out we one da last challenge.
Cameraman: Oh, wow! That's really . . . not . . . really horrible at all.
I ain't finish'! Lardass-Michael comes runnin up and joins us.
Camerman: And he hit you in the eye?
No man! His left man-boob slapped me in da face when he went bear hug us. Then, his right man-boob smacked into Ava and threw her against a tree like she was a friggin' rag-doll. Lonnie and da others ran for the hills. Lonnie is a smart girl, she's use to bein' around Zan.
Cameraman: Woah! How's Ava?
I was so friggin' upset. I love that chick. I don't think she knew what hit her. She's totally fine now though -- I don't think it screwed with her head or anything . . . if that's fuckin' possible.
Cameraman: Do we have have any footage of the danger involved in such an act?
[Insert: slow motion shot of Max and Michael running in thongs across the beach.]
Cameraman: The humanity! The power! I can't believe you survived. However, I can't help but add Rath, that "one" could say that since you and Michael are made from the same DNA that you two do look alike.
And that "one" would get da end of a hose someplace fairly uncomfortable.
Cameraman: What, like the back of a Volkswagen? [Kevin Smith shout-out.] Look -- I'm sorry that happened to you. Although I bet your glad that you won tonight. You won't have to make any decisions on who you'd vote out of your tribe.
I don't think have da heart to vote off Laurie In-a-Box. I mean, she provides hours and hours of entertainment for da whole island -- like Lonnie, only while standin' up.
Cameraman: Have you thought of a name for your tribe yet?
Last night I was watchin' da stars pontificating with one of my island mates. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, ejaculating with Simon . . er, I mean Brodie. A few hours later I came up with, "Camp BampChikaBangs." You know man, it sorta' sums up my entire philosophy. I gotta tell it to da others to see what they think.
Cameraman: Rath! I totally see that! You're a genius.
Thanks! That's what Lonnie and Ava tell me -- Kyle said they're pullin' my leg but no I looked and they weren't down there at all.
Cameraman (whispers): Hey!
*whispers also* What are you doing here?
Cameraman (still whispering): What are YOU doing?
I'm sneaking to Frazier woods to see Jim. I can't take it anymore...
Cameraman: You're not supposed to do that...
How about if you're nice, when I get back... you saw what I was doing with my alien doll last night?
Cameraman: Oh... yeah...
If you're nice, I'll do the same with you when I get back...
Cameraman: I'll cover you. Go!
Things have really taken a turn for the worse here at the Granolust Camp. Alex and I found Lizbot after some bastard from the other tribe played their little prank on her. We took her into the little workshop area that Valenti had made in an effort to clean her up. We were having some significant trouble scraping all the salt out of her, but Alex and I worked on her till after dark. But we could only get so far, so Alex suggested removing her restraining bolt and I foolishly agreed. Alex continued to work at getting the rest of the salt out when I spotted an odd piece of metal jammed in her real good. I broke it loose with a snap and, to my surprise, there appeared a 12-inch Momogram of an alien woman being projected from the Bot�s�erm�headlights.
"Help me, Captain Carver. You�re my only hope�" she pleaded.
"Who is this woman?," I demanded. Lizbot just squawked.
"Help me, Captain Carver. You�re my only hope�"
Alex pondered. "Do you think she means old Smelly Carver? That crazy old hermit who lives out by the dumpster at the entrance to the park?"
"I�m not sure," I replied gravely. "Whoever she is, she seems to be in trouble. Lemme see if I can play back the whole message�" And with that, the hologram faded away, and Lizbot would not replay the data.
"Well," Alex said, "sometime tomorrow I�ll wipe her memory clean and flush out any old data." And with that settled, I went to join the others by the fire for dinner and some Pictionary.
That was a couple of hours ago.
No more than five minutes ago, I wandered back into workshop area to clean up and Lizbot was gone. I found Alex hogtied in the corner. Once freed, he blubbed that Lizbot tricked him into letting her go off on her own to find Smelly Carver .
"We can�t go after her at night. It�s too dangerous with all the Forest Trolls around. We�ll have to wait until morning," I told Alex.
Luckily, Eddie and Pierce finished building our tribe vehicle, the Orbmobile. It bears a remarkable resemblance to the Flintstones� car, but it seats the whole tribe, so think of it as a Flintstones school bus. (Yes, of course it�s foot-powered.) Alex and I will take it out at dawn to see if we can find her (assuming we both survive Tribal Council). I�ll keep you updated.
Katims out.
Cameraman: Good luck! *cameraman follows Maria*
Where are you going?
Cameraman: If something's gonna happen, I have to be there.
Oh, all right. But don't screw this up for me or I'll collect Courtney's and Nicholas's skin peels and hide them in your food. I'm really good at that 'cause I put stuff in the food at the Crashdown all the time when people are mean.
*Courtney starts scratching her shoulders* Yesss! I knew that would get her!
*Courtney scratches harder, peeling a layer of skin off* Ewww! That is so gross. I can't believe Michael would touch her!
There she goes!... I knew it! Michael can't wait to wash his hands! I knew he didn't really like touching her!
*Maria approaches Michael and they talk quietly, then they walk into the trees, hand-in-hand.*
Wait, I already am sentenced to a life on earth.
Well, at least Michael's been using his powers to make real food. I managed to make nice and do... other things *evil grin at the camera* and get some grilled cheese sandwiches out of him.
Quit looking at me like that, camera boy. I've been living as a 14 year old for the past 50 years. You learn to like bits of the part.
Camera man: Yeah, sure.
Well I'm not saving your ass when the war for earth comes.
I was talking to that Laurie in a Box chick, and, by the way, I haven't seen a box anywhere near that girl. All she does is sniff that nasty shirt. She keeps asking me if I want to smell grandpa. I swear, I'm usually all for the blond chicks, but this just isn't going to go anywhere. How many times to I have to say that I don't want to sniff grandpa?
Hey, I just found out that Michael brought hair clippers as his personal item. New decision from Khivar's second: no more solar-powered car time until Michael uses those suckers.
*shouts offscreen* You hear that Michael? The hair gets whacked OR ELSE! *pauses for reply* Yeah, well, you can whack THAT yourself!
*back to camera* I have to go get the lotion back from Lonnie and Ava. I'm starting to peel. Dammit. *shuffles off*
Cameraman: Well, that's a change in attitude from yesterday.
Yeah, well, yesterday we didn't have a jello pool now, did we? At first the girls were all bitching cause we didn't fill the pool up with water. But let me tell you, when it got to be about 103 degrees this afternoon, they were ready and willing to jump in. Yeah, baby, yeah! Brody, Kyle, Nicholas and I popped some popcorn and settled on top of a rock to get some eye candy. Nicholas and I took turns using our powers to undo the girls bikini tops. This whole alien power thing that Kyle pointed out just keeps getting better and better. Good times, man, good times.
I think that Courtney pissed off Maria, though, because the two of them started wrestling around together, and Courtney was holding Maria's head under the jello for a while. But Maria wouldn't give in that easily. She must have been biting Courtney or something even with her head submerged in jello, because Courtney kept crying out like she was in pain. Luckily, before I had to go down there and break it up, Lonnie came along and got in the pool with them. That seemed to calm them both down. I think there may be more Isabel in Lonnie than I originally gave her credit for. She had the two of them eating out of her hand in seconds. Well, her hand, her shoulder, her thighs.
Man, it's hard having two women fight over you this way. But who can blame them? We're talking alien sex here. Even without my special alien endurance, though, they'd still want me. Thankfully whoever it was engineered me had their priorities straight, and made sure that this body was deluxe packaged and turbo charged, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Cameraman: Uh, yeah, unfortunately I do.
Yeah, like your not jealous. Man, I was the envy of the lockerroom. And you know there's a reason that Max kept accidentally kneeing me in the groin when we were kids just so he'd have to "heal" me.
Speaking of healing, had the strangest conversation with Kyle. Right around the time Lonnie, Courtney and Maria started playing "Marco Polo" in the jello pool (which was also weird, cause the pool is only about 10 feet wide, and they barely had to move to reach out with their hands to find each other), Brody got up and said he had to go "relieve" himself. About 10 seconds later Nicholas got up to follow him, to make sure that Brody didn't get abducted again. If you ask me, I think Nicholas just wanted to look at his bum. Anyways, that left just me and Kyle. He wanted to know if Evans had ever healed me. I told him that yeah, he'd healed me a couple of times. Not sure why, but this got Kyle all upset, and pretty soon he went stomping off, muttering "whore" under his breath. Just when I'm starting to like the guy, he gets all freaky on me.
Topolsky: "Hey, cameraman can I ask you a question?" ** Licks glossy lips **
Cameraman: "Er, yeah Special Agent Topolsky?"
Topolsky: "Call me Kathleen." **Winks**
Cameraman: "Er, yeah Kathleen?"
Topolsky: "Where did Amy Deluca go?"
Cameraman: "Um, I dunno."
Topolsky: "Come on, you can tell me."
Cameraman: "Um, I ... Er"
**zippp**
Topolsky: You know, I can play the flute really well�
Cameraman: Uhh�
~ CENSORED ~
I knew it. That bitch is sneaking over there to get a pickle tickle. So does she think being first means shit? Heh! I'm sure Eddie and River Dog can tell her what good getting there first is in this country.
He will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine. If I play my cards right, I'll be able to "finger cuff" him and his hot little son.
*collapses into girlish giggles*
Cameraman: Damn, where'd THAT come from?
Oh, yeah I've just been hangin' with my man Zan lately and he's been showing me how to articulate my "feelings" better. Because I can't even smile properly. Plus, I'm channeling this character I used to play named Tyler Banks. He thought he was black and all, and I'm just trying to be cool. Cuz I usually suck ass, so I'm trying to go for a new image.
Camerman: Uh...is it working?
Yo, I don't quite know yet. I mean, being King Dick really guarantees me all the ass I want and all, so I don't really know what I'm going after.
So I'm off to Tribal Council. Isabel is lookin' all kindsa fiiiine in that red dress. Damn. Maybe afterwards we'll all play a rousing game of volleyball and collapse in a sweaty pile of writhing flesh...uh, I mean, late!
*runs off with hands between his legs*
Now I'm going to look for Brody. He's been really lonely since we got here, just hanging with the guys, and I know he's older, but he's got a kid. He must know how to do the deed, right?
Welcome to our very first Tribal Council. The Granolust tribe has trudged wearily through Frazier Woods to the strangely adjacent desert, in order to cast one of its own out of the tribe.
Now, we know that Liz has been a problem for you guys. She lost you the first immunity challenge, and there's been some noticeable hostility towards her from the group. Will she be the first to get booted onto her ass? Let's find out!
Vote for Jason Katims
-Eddie
Vote for Jason Katims
-Whittaker
I vote for River Dog. You tried using my crown as a frisbee, you freak! Have some respect, yo!
Max
Hi, River Dog? Get your old-underwear-headband-wearing ass off the island, k? You're too old for me to have sex with, so really, what good are you? Don't let Jason Katims slap your ass on the way out.
Sincerely,
Isabel
Peachy -
I, Jason Katims, hereby cast my vote for River Dog at tonight's tribal council. Nothing personal. He just didn't add a whole lot to the tribe, so it's time for him to head back to the reservation.
Dutifully yours,
Katims
I'm gonna vote for Riverdog, because I think he's been cheating. I mean, I have no idea where he's been
getting all these feathers from! Do you?? He must ave a secret stash somewhere. Anyway, must sleep. Night night!
Liz
Let's get Tazer Boy (Agent Pierce) outta here!
Signed:
Jim Valenti
I'm voting for Riverdog. Nothing personal, you're just a bit too old for the immunity challenges. You may think you're strong enough, but let's face it. You're no Rudy.
Sean
I'm voting for RiverDog tonight. Hey, man, it's not that I don't like you, but there are just too many stereotypes around here with that BINGO tumbler you brought. I'm finally getting out of the "Geek" mold and getting the girl. And our entire camp seems to be having trouble with "King," "Goddess," "Southerner," "Delinquent," and "Poor Man's Pete Sampras." So goodbye, and take the Tumbler of Trouble with you!
Alex
I didn't think it would be this hard, I don't want anyone to go. But since I must . . . I have to cast my vote for Pierce. Can't abide that man.
Zan
I vote for River Dog.
Tess
I vote Liz. The one time we need her to say Max's name and she lets us down. I would've thought the robot girl was programmed to say his name at least once every 5 minutes.
Betty
Well, and there you have it. Ageism rears its ugly head here among the young and horny of the Granolith tribe.
We'll be right back with Riverdog's Final Words. But first, let's get a word from our sponser, the Keep New Mexico Lily White Foundation.
Damn all of you, I will have my revenge.
Eddie, I'm kicking you off the reservation.
-------
On to next part - Round Two