~~~~~Chapter Nine~~~~
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Well, I don't know if you have heard this or not, you probably have. I don't get the papers, but I imagine because of who I am, that it's been well reported. I don't even know what day it is.
I've been in solitary. I killed a man. I had to. He raped me. It's been so long since that has happened
to me. I felt helpless and alone, like I was 13 again. He had his friends hold me up against the wall
while he did it. I couldn't move, one of them had a knife or something sharp pushed up against my neck
and another one held one against my dick. I know the guards saw and heard but they just ignored it.
I've seen lots of people raped in here. I try to stay in my cell, only going out when they force me too and that is when it happened. Right in the yard. When he was done, he was kissing my neck and he told me that he had always hated me. His girlfriend could never stop talking about me and wanted to visit him to see me. He told his friends to turn me around so that he could suck me. They let go for an instant and I was on him. I grabbed his neck and just squeezed and squeezed. Oh God. All I could see was Lou. I swear he turned into Lou. Jesus. His friends ran. The guards were hitting me with their billy sticks, their fists, I don't know what all and I was still choking him. The only thing that made me stop was a guard putting his gun to my head and threatening to shoot. They threw me in solitary and later the warden came and told me that the guy had died. I was shocked, of course, that I had actually killed him, but I didn't care that he was dead. I'm such a bad person. I should care, but there is so little I care about any more. Aaron, the guys, my family. That's about it. I don't even care about me anymore. They sent a minister in to talk to me, but he didn't understand. How could he? That was the only person I was allowed to talk to. Well, the warden came in lots to let me know that I was being charged with murder and would be tried again. What's the point? I'm already in here for life. All the guys came this morning to see me. It's been a week, I think, since I was let out, but this was the first visiting day. I could only talk to them one at a time and I had handcuffs and leg chains on. I felt so humiliated. These guys had raised me and taken care of me. I didn't want them to see me like this. Howie gave me a small bible and hugged me. Then he started to cry and had to leave. AJ had to leave his sunglasses with the guard, in case I tried to grab them. I could see the shock in his eyes as he looked at me. "Jesus, Nick, what did they do to you?" He told me that I was covered in bruises and healing cuts and that I looked like I had lost several pounds. We chatted about his tour as Johnny No Name and some other stupid stuff and then his time was up. He slipped a Playboy magazine into my pocket as he left. I didn't bother to tell him that the guard would swipe it before I got to look at it. And he did. Kevin didn't say a word, he just hugged me. A big huge Kevin bear hug. "Just tell me what I can do for you, Nick. I'll try to do it." "Do you know what happened?" He just nodded. He was crying. "I'm so sorry, Nick." "Tell me you understand then. Tell me you will try to understand how I felt. Why I did it." He nodded and hugged me again. "I understand." That was all I wanted. Someone to understand. Someone to tell me it was okay and that I wasn't a bad person. That I was worthy of love and that it wasn't my fault. I just wanted understanding. Brian came in, sat right beside me and took my hands in his. We prayed. I never prayed, except with Brian. His faith in God was so strong, you couldn't help but listen and believe. He prayed for my soul and my redemption in God's eyes. I asked him to pray for Aaron too. God, how I miss him. So that's been my life for the last little while. I'll get back to my old life soon. I have to dig through the tapes and see where I left off. You know my memory. Thanks for listening.
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