Dried Up Tears
Dried Up Tears

~~~~~Chapter Seventeen~~~~


Mandy got her wish. I got her a contract with RCA Records. They took her on with no demo tape and no knowledge of how she could sing (or if she could sing). They took me at my word. I was happy about it because it kept her busy and out of my hair. RCA wanted a record made and wanted to get her working. They quickly recorded a song and got it on the Pokeman movie soundtrack. Aaron had one on there too, ironically enough. Imagine my surprise when I heard she would be opening for us. The guys from The Firm, picked her because she was cheap and everyone figured I would be happy about it because she was my girl. The fans were, not surprisingly, very unhappy about having Mandy shoved in their faces. I honestly had nothing to do with it though, I really had no idea. Oh, she was calling herself Willa Ford now, and if I called her Mandy, I got a smack in return. She was Mandah (ManDUH to my fans) on the soundtrack, and now this. People had a field day with it on the internet. Stupid Nick and his stupid girlfriend.

We were really honored to be asked to sing at the Grammy Awards early in 2000. The tour had just wrapped up and we were all tired and wanted the break, but we couldn't pass up that honour. We then found out that Elton John wanted to sing with us. Kevin was thrilled, Elton was his idol. We practiced so much in the weeks before the show. The day of, Kevin was running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Everything had to be perfect. We got so many good reviews for that show. We didn't win anything, but I think we gained respect from some people. And that was good enough for me.

Mandy, excuse me, Willa and I had relaxed into a relationship of balances. I was her money train and she stayed a closed book. Worked for me. I couldn't afford to have her blabbing, not when we were at the top of our game. I put up with her and her abuse.

The group had scheduled a working vacation in the Bahamas to write and do some preliminary recording. No girlfriends or fiancees was the order of the day. Oh yeah, Kevin and Brian were both engaged to their long time girlfriends during the tour. I forgot to mention that. I met some beach bunnies to have some fun with there though. Nobody said I couldn't have fun. Kevin and I talked quite a bit while we were down there and we agreed I would go into rehab before we went to Sweden for the rest of the recording. He told me he missed the old me. I told him I did too and wanted to get the old me back. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I had stopped crying. It didn't get me anywhere, you know? All the tears I had shed in my live and it didn't change anything. All the shit still happened. I'm sure I had a lot of dried up tears inside me though.

I entered a rehab in Florida when we got back from the Bahamas. It was okay, very difficult, but I was determined to get off the coke. I stayed as a patient there. They thought it was better than being home and around people that might tempt me. They let me out to go to Kevin and Kristen's wedding. Mandy and I had a huge argument while we were getting ready. The wedding was very casual, but I still wanted to be dressed nicely. She ruined my suit jacket and pants during the fight and I didn't have anything else ready and clean with me so I went in the shorts I had been wearing. And we were late. I was so embarrassed. But Kevin knew I was clean. He told me I had the glow back in my eyes. And he told me he was proud of me. They all told me that. And that made me feel better then I had in a long time. I went back to the rehab until we went to Sweden. After that I was on outpatient status. I checked in once a week and called my counselor if I felt anxious or like I needed I hit. But I was doing alright. I did get moments where I thought I needed something to get through the day, but I just told myself I didn't need it, that I was strong and could go without it. And I did. I was really proud of myself for doing that. I haven't touched any drugs since then.

After the summer I had another wedding to gear up for. My buddy Brian was getting married. Leighanne, his fiancee was from Georgia so that is where the wedding would be held. Mandy was in the thick of recording and couldn't go, which was fine by me. The wedding was huge, tons of people. I didn't know most of them, but that was cool. Got to do the anonymous thing again. After Brian's honeymoon, our publicity machine cranked into high gear. We had been quiet for most of the year and needed to get our faces out there to promote the upcoming CD. A round the world tour was planned and lots of interviews in NY for the release. We recorded the video for the new song, "Shape of my Heart", in LA. Mandy came along with me and grew more annoying as the days went by. I wasn't spending time with her, blah, blah, blah. We sat down and talked. She wanted out, for good this time. Her being with me wasn't helping her career. RCA had dumped her and her mom was shipping her demo around to new companies. She was getting hate mail by the sackful and she was sick of it. I told her I didn't know what to do, what could I do? I was hesitant to tell her to go, even though it was best for both of us. I was picturing the cover story of the Enquirer. "My Nights of Terror with Drugged Up BSB Nick!" or something like that. She promised not to tell anything. I had kept my end of the bargain, she said, she would keep hers, if I would just let her go. So that was it. My first love was over, for good this time.

So now we come to what you've all been waiting for. It ain't pretty and I'm not proud of it, not at all. I ruined so many peoples lives just by getting rid of that fat bastard. You have no idea how many. But I'll tell you now. This is why I am in here.

I had a couple days off, we had just finished the tour around the world and didn't start rehearsals for our concert tour until the beginning of the next week. I was exhausted but I wanted to see Aaron. He was on tour in the States. His album was doing really well, I was so proud of him and I was missing him something fierce. I thought I would fly to where he was and surprise him. Sneak up on him backstage, you know? Little did I know.

I grabbed my stuff off the plane and ran to a taxi to get me to the arena. I didn't bring anything but my backpack, I could only stay overnight and then I needed to get back home and sleep. I got there so early that I wasn't even sure if Aaron was there, but I saw his bus and ran for the door of the building. I had to convince the security at the door of who I was, pulled out my wallet and identification. It was kind of funny to not be recognized and I was laughing while they checked my ID with Aaron's guys inside. Once I was cleared and allowed in, they took me to the dressing room area. I saw Mom sitting in the hallway reading a magazine. God, I can't believe how clear everything is, I even remember she had a stain on her blouse from something, coffee probably, just below the collar.

She jumped up and gave me a big hug, told me how much she missed me and stuff, asked me what I was doing there. I asked her where Aaron was and she got this look on her face. Like a scared look, or maybe just frazzled. I can't explain it. I asked her if something was wrong, was Aaron sick? She shook her head. "No, he's in there." She pointed to a door. "Okay, I'm going to see him." I walked towards the door and she pulled me back around. "No.", she whispered. "You can't go in." She seemed really frantic and positive that I wasn't going to go in. "Is he doing something?" I asked. Mom looked to the door and back at me. "I don't know." She looked confused and definitely scared now. "I'm going to see him." I told her and opened the door.

Sitting here, in this hell hole talking into a tape recorder, I wonder if she should have stopped me or tried harder to stop me. If I should have even gone to see Aaron. I never would have known then. I think Aaron would have told me though, I hope Aaron would have told me. And then, if he had told me, I would still be here anyway. Because I still would have killed Lou.

I opened the door and couldn't believe my eyes. For a minute, my brain tricked me and I thought I was watching a tape of Lou abusing me. Aaron was softly crying. He was bent over the couch and Lou was naked and on his knees behind him. I knew right then it was too late. The goddam prick had already hurt Aaron in a way no one should ever be hurt. I turned to Mom. "You knew." Then, my rage kicked in. "Get off of him, you fucking bastard!" I grabbed him around the neck and pulled him off of my brother. Aaron was gasping, crying and bleeding, the blood running down his legs. Oh God, it was what happened to me all over again. I just stood in shock before I went over to Aaron and hugged him. Told him no one would hurt him ever again. I was trying to get his clothes back on him, when Lou clubbed me over the head with something and pulled me to my feet. "Do you have to ruin everything for me?" He said this so calmly. My eyes scanned the room. I decided at that moment that Lou was not going to walk out of the room alive. He needed to die. Who knows how many other people he had done this to? He needed to be stopped. I picked up a knife from the catering table and jabbed at him quickly. He went down hard, blood gushing out of his chest. I jumped at him and slashed the knife across his neck. "That's for Aaron."

I heard someone sobbing then. Mom. "You killed him." "You knew." I turned to her. "How could you let him around my brother, knowing what he did to me?" I pushed the knife into her, not even thinking. Mom gasped out my name. "You knew what he was doing. How could you let him do that to him, to me?" I stabbed her again and again and again. The knife finally broke and I let her body fall next to Lou's. I stood there for a moment and then picked up Aaron and held him tight, "I'm so sorry Air." I collapsed on the floor, still holding my brother and we cried together until security came and broke down the door. I guess Mom had locked it behind her. I don't know how they knew something had happened but I guess Mom or Aaron was screaming. I didn't hear a thing. They yelled at me to let Aaron go. I told them I wouldn't hurt him, he was my brother. Then the police came. "Let the boy go!" Their guns were drawn. I didn't want them to hurt Aaron by mistake while they were trying to get me. I didn't want any more violence. I let Aaron go gently. I kissed him and told him I loved him. They pulled me away and the last time I saw Aaron he was being held back by the police, covered in blood and screaming my name.

I can still see his face. God help me. I never meant to hurt him.


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