Dried Up Tears
Dried Up Tears

~~~~~Chapter Sixteen~~~~


We had a bit of a break before the second leg of our tour. The tour was a huge hit, the album was breaking records and we all were ready for a rest before going out again. I went home to relax with Mandy. I had bought a house in Apollo Beach and Mandy had quickly moved in with me. Thank God it came furnished because we had no time to do it. Mom and the others had moved to California, but kept a place in Florida as well. Dad really hated the idea, but he wanted to be with his children, so he went. At least I was old enough to be on my own. Number wise anyway. Mentally, I don't know about that one. Mom and some other family members didn't like Mandy and tried to talk to me about it, but I closed them out. I loved her and that was what was important right?

All we did during my break was go to clubs and parties, hanging out with my friends. We got together one night with my best friend, Brent, and his girlfriend, and some others. We ended up watching a football game and right in the middle of an important play, Mandy asked me to get her something. She was hanging on me and kept asking. I hushed her and asked her to wait for a minute. Next thing I knew she pushed me off the couch and smacked me in the face. "Goddam it! Get off your fat, lazy ass! Go get me my drink!" Everyone went quiet, just staring at me laying on the carpet. Brent was ready to kick her out of the house, but I got up and told him it was alright. Brent was furious with her and refused to talk to her for the rest of the night. We went home, but didn't talk about it at all. I figured all girls get testy sometime or another, right? It's a hormone thing, I think. Just leave it alone.

When I woke up in the morning I had a bruise near my eye and a killer headache. Mandy didn't have anything to do with that though. We fought all day, about the night before and about nothing in particular. She told me she hated my family and she hated my friends. She thought I was a fat, lazy asshole that never paid attention to her and that she fucked me because she felt sorry for me. It's true, the older I got, I grew and my metabolism didn't adjust. I got fat. I ate the same stuff, junk food and crap and didn't exercise and it caught up with me. I had grown a lot in a year too, from 6' to almost 6'2", bigger than Kevin and my Dad. So people were shocked to see me so big. Even though I knew why I was big, I considered myself fat and a loser. Her yelling this at me didn't help matters much. It hurt. A lot. I threw her out. I told her to get out and that I never wanted to see her again.

We did our little mini tour of Europe and came back home for the next part of the US tour. Dad and Brent were with me all the time. Dad was really afraid I would hurt myself because I was so upset. The press was getting to me, with all the fat comments. I was lonely and depressed. I looked like hell. I was going through coke like candy. I even did a show high. The MTV awards. Watch a tape and you'll see, I didn't even know where I was or what the hell I was doing. Kevin really came down on me after that. He insisted I go for rehab and get off the drugs. Of course I couldn't do rehab in the middle of the tour, so he and the fellas, Brent and my Dad agreed to keep an eye and help me out.

Not too long after the tour began Mandy started showing up at the same hotels we were staying in. City after city, she was there with her mom. I would say hi and walk on by. Or, more often Dad or Brent would pull me away from her. My emotions started working overtime on my head and I missed her. We got together one evening at a restaurant and talked all night. She told me she was sorry and she missed me. She loved me and wanted me back. I apologized too, although I don't know what for now and we agreed to try again. I told her I would do anything to make her happy and she just smiled. "Just say the word!" I said. I really wanted to make it work this time.

We both hopped back on the merry go round of drug abuse and sexual abuse. I had started screwing anything with tits while Mandy and I were apart and that habit was hard to break. She found out, of course, and smacked me around one night. The fans were outraged when they saw me with a black eye and bruises and they started hurling things at Mandy and calling her names. I just kept quiet, never confirming or denying. Mandy was screwing around too, but I let it go. My punishment for hurting her, I figured. I did put a stupid thing up on the website my aunt ran for me. Trying to defend her. But you have all that messed up info. Mandy was getting tired of it. She blamed it on me, told me I was telling the fans to hurt her. I wasn't, of course, but what could I do? I just stayed quiet and took what she handed out. It was around this time she called her trump card into play. Mandy wanted to sing. She also wanted out again. She promised to stay with "my sorry ass" and not tell the press about me if I got her a record contract. I told her she was crazy. "Get me a contract you fucking idiot or the whole world will know what a sick fuck you are! Do you think mommies want their daughters worshipping someone who likes to tie up his girlfriend and treat her like a dog?" What can I say, years of abuse by Lou didn't leave me with the right viewpoint on normal sexual relations. Once again someone had me by the balls and wouldn't let go until they had got their way, at my expense.


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