As he finally forced his eyes to open - more than a little puffy from the crying he'd done the night before - he saw Jake looking at him...an intent, watchful gaze. It freaked him out a little sometimes, still, the way Jake would just study him. Like he was trying to learn everything about him - even the things Nick couldn't - or wouldn't - tell him.

"Mornin', baby." Jake whispered, leaning down to kiss Nick softly on the forehead.

Nick gave him a very small smile. He still wasn't quite sure how he felt about the "baby" thing, either. Another man...calling HIM "baby". He called girls "baby". generally because it was easier than trying to keep names straight. It never really meant anything. But when Jake said it, he knew it was a term of endearment...affection. Just like when he said he loved him. Jake probably really WAS in love with him...and somewhere, deep down in some place he still wasn't ready to acknowledge...he was probably in love with Jake, too, in some way.

"Feeling better this morning?" Jake asked.

Nick sat up, rubbing his eyes. What could he say to that? "I guess."

"Liar."

Nick scowled, "What the hell?"

"You're just saying that."

"How would you know?" Nick asked, dropping back down onto the pillow, facing away from Jake.

Jake nuzzled at Nick's neck. "Because I know you. You want to pretend everything is okay, and it's not."

Maybe it was his tone...or just his words...whatever it was. Nick suddenly found himself on the verge of tears again. "No, it's not okay. He's fucking GONE and he just fucking LEFT and he didn't even fucking CARE that I NEED him!"

Jake tried not to flinch at Nick's words. It still bothered him Nick would speak so freely about Kevin - to admit that he needed him - and he couldn't say he was in love. He was in love, wasn't he? "I'm sure he cares, Nick. maybe he just thought it would be too hard to watch you guys and not be there with you."

Nick scoffed, he wasn't ready to consider Kevin's feelings yet. He just wanted to wallow in his own hurt feelings.

Jake waited for a few moments, hoping he'd get a little more of a response from Nick. When nothing else came, he said, "Nick, I'm sorry you're hurt, I really am, but I can't do anything about what happened and right now, neither can you. I'll do anything I can for you, anything you want me to..." He paused and leaned close to Nick again, "I love you."

"Stop." Nick interrupted, cutting him off, sitting up and sliding out of bed. "Love doesn't mean much anyway. Kevin said he loved us. He knows I love him and it got me nowhere. So spare me, okay?"

Jake watched as Nick disappeared into the bathroom, then fell back into his pillows, sighing and thinking that sometimes being with a guy was even more complicated than dealing with a girl.

Nick stood in front of the mirror, looking at his reflection and wondering how exactly Jake had managed to look at him - so intently and with such care - when he looked this awful. He turned on the shower and went to lock the door, thinking that would be easier than actually having to tell Jake 'no' if he wanted to join him.

When Jake heard the door lock, he got up, put on some clothes and went to the kitchen, realizing Nick was not going to be in the mood to talk again for a while. He was still trying not to be hurt and a little offended by the two jabs he'd gotten already - first Nick saying he needed Kevin and then saying he loved him. He wondered what it was about him that wasn't enough to be what Nick needed or why he couldn't say he loved him. He wished he wasn't so petty, but things were starting to build up that he couldn't ignore. In bed one night, he'd mentioned that he'd like to trying being the top once, and Nick had flat out refused. Immediately. He wasn't entirely surprised, Nick had made it known from the beginning that he wasn't going to be taking any dick. He'd kept hoping he'd change his mind as things went along, maybe things would even out, but apparently...not so much. He didn't dislike the way things were, he just wanted to explore more... wanted to know Nick trusted him.

Nick stood in the shower, letting the hot water cascade down over him. There was too much going on right now, he felt like such a disaster. Kevin. Jake. They were both so important to him - in very different ways, but both had such a great impact on his life. Kevin had essentially left him now and Jake was holding on very tightly. It wasn't that he minded Jake's affection, but more that sometimes he just didn't know how to respond to it. He knew Jake wanted more and he felt bad sometimes that he wasn't giving it, but that's how most of the relationship had been. Jake was the aggressor, he was the reluctant one. But in the end Jake usually got his way.

Jake opened and shut the refrigerator door three times in a row, as if closing it and re-opening it was going to make something appear that sounded appetizing to him. The problem wasn't so much the lack of selection, but just that he wasn't really hungry. Not for anything in the fridge, at least. He wanted things and wanted them badly, but he wasn't going to find any of that in the kitchen. Unless Nick came down. Then he'd have everything he wanted in the kitchen. And he'd take that on the table, the floor, the counter...

Nick snuck into the kitchen as quietly as possible, creeping up behind Jake, who appeared to be lost in deep thought, staring into the refrigerator. "See anything you want?" Nick whispered, leaning in close to kiss Jake's neck.

Jake jumped, startled at Nick's sudden presence, and the apparent change in his attitude. He turned around, taking in the sight of Nick's bare chest, the few remaining droplets of water on his body, the towel wrapped around his waist. "Now I do." Jake said, his voice raspy as he grabbed at the towel, pulling Nick toward him and tossing the towel aside, all in the same motion.

As the kiss became more intense, Nick maneuvered them around to close the refrigerator door and press Jake up against it. A thought had come to him in the shower, an epiphany of sorts. Jake was there for him. Jake wanted to be whatever Nick wanted him to be, why shouldn't he take advantage of that? Kevin might have left him, but Jake was right there. Ready, willing, waiting.

Jake gasped as Nick abruptly broke the kiss and bit his lower lip. He tilted his head back, letting Nick take nips at his neck. Glad for the affection - especially affection coming so fiercely - Jake began working to get his clothes off. He didn't know if it was feelings of actual desire or fear of abandonment that had made Nick pounce on him - but it felt so good, he wasn't going to worry about it now. He shuddered when Nick stopped the biting and took a long lick from his collarbone up to his ear, and slid his hands across his chest, stopping at the collar of the t-shirt he was wearing. He couldn't help the moan that escaped as Nick ripped the shirt straight down and left it hanging, shredded, on his heavily-breathing form. No, no time to worry now.

Nick followed Jake closely as he ran back into his bedroom, tackling him as they both dove for the bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'll think about it, okay?" Nick promised, mumbling against Jake's chest, where he'd collapsed earlier, and hadn't moved because he was perfectly comfortable.

"Yeah." Jake agreed, knowing that was all he'd get at this point. His palm brushed lightly back and forth over Nick's shoulders, "It's good, I swear. You can see how good it is. I know you can feel it."

Nick couldn't really argue with that part. He did see the way Jake responded when they had sex, and he could feel the way his body experienced the jolts of pleasure. He was curious, he could admit that much now. Just as he was about to say something, the phone rang. Jake wiggled out from under him, reaching to answer the phone. He listened as Jake greeted Maggie and assured her that she hadn't interrupted anything, and laughed, telling her she should have called earlier if she actually WANTED to interrupt. He slipped out of bed and went to find his clothes, scattered randomly around the room. He got dressed, barely hearing the conversation Jake was having with his sister.

Jake was mostly paying attention to Maggie...basically. But his eyes were all over Nick - watching him walk naked across the room while he went around to find his clothes, then as he put his clothes on. "Huh? What?" He heard Maggie laugh at him and told him she'd call him back later, when he was less distracted.

Nick turned back to the bed, just as Jake was hanging up. He walked over to the bed and leaned down to kiss Jake, "I'm gonna go. I'll catch you later, okay?"

Jake sat up to kiss him, "Alright. I love you."

Nick lingered for a second, kissing him back and tossed him a killer smile as he walked out of the room and went to let himself out the door. He noticed how haphazardly he'd parked last night. He'd been in such a hurry to get away from everything else and get to Jake. He'd known everything would seem better or at least easier if he was there. If they were together.

He got in and put the key in the ignition, pausing for a second, before turning it, briefly considering just going back inside and telling Jake he wanted more. He finally backed out of the drive, wondering what it was he did want. He did...kind of...want to know what Jake felt, what it was like for him when they were together. He knew Jake wanted to try it like that...and he thought about it, sometimes. Even earlier in the day when they'd been together, as Jake's body had tensed and rocked with his orgasm, he'd wondered what it was like. But there was just something that he couldn't be okay with about it. It seemed like one thing to be fucking a guy, but to let another guy fuck him? That was just too blurry, too...uncertain for him.

As he was driving home, he couldn't get his mind off Jake. The way he was so open with his feelings and desires, the way he'd tell him he loved him, he'd do anything for him. He sighed, a little upset with himself that he seemed to be taking a lot more than he was giving. Jake was amazing to him, and still, he held back. And that wasn't fair. If he could just let himself go, completely, he wondered what he'd find, or really be able to feel.