“Nick?”

“Jake? You saw the show?”

“Of course I did. You did really well.”

“It was so hard. So hard. It’s just not right.”

“I know, Nick.”

“I feel…I don’t know what I feel. This is wrong.”

Jake could hear the sobs in Nick’s voice, what was held back for the TV cameras he couldn’t hide now.

“I can come and get you, we can come back here and relax. Try and forget everything for while.”

“I don’t want to forget, Jake. He’s not someone to forget.” Nick said, sharply.

Jake bit his tongue. He didn’t mean it the way Nick had taken it, of course. Kevin had been Nick’s mentor for so many years, there was no way he would ever forget him. But he needed to move on. Jake needed him to move on. He knew what Kevin meant to Nick. Kind of. He knew that Kevin had practically raised him from the age of thirteen. He knew that Nick looked up to Kevin for practically everything. He knew that Kevin was probably his very best friend. The first person Nick had taken Jake to meet – once they decided they were going to tell family and close friends – had been Kevin. Jake remembered the easy conversation that day. Kevin was a great person to talk to, very knowledgeable, and concerned with some of the same political and environmental stuff that Jake was interested in. But Jake hadn’t missed the subtle glances between Nick and Kevin; the very slight nod Kevin gave Nick late in the conversation and the glorious smile that appeared on Nick’s face after that nod. Jake had often wondered if Nick would still be with him if Kevin hadn’t given him the okay that day. Jake also had suspicions about Nick and Kevin’s real relationship but he had never voiced it to Nick. He could never voice it to him. Kevin was a subject you didn’t mess with around Nick Carter.

“I don’t mean forget Kevin, Nick. You know I don’t mean that. Just come home with me. Be with me and forget all the showbiz shit for a night.” Jake urged.

Nick sighed heavily. He wanted to be with Jake, he really did. It had been a few weeks since they had been together and he missed him greatly. But all this group business had to be taken care of first. So many press requests, TV appearances, recording and figuring out damn contracts and legal crap that Nick thought he was going to scream. All because Kevin had to go and leave him – leave them. Damn him. Everyone’s lives had been tossed upside down with Kevin’s leaving and Nick had no idea how emotional he was going to be about it until they hit the stage. He was doing fine until he looked into the audience – and Kevin wasn’t there. He didn’t even come to the show, to see how they did without him. Damn it.

“I want to Jake, but I don’t know. I don’t know….”.

“Is there an after party or something? That’s cool. We can get together after.”

Their families and closest friends knew of Nick and Jake’s relationship, and were supportive, but it still wasn’t out in the open. They were very careful not to appear together at public functions, especially something where one or the other of them would be up for major public scrutiny. This hadn’t been too difficult, the film world and the music world rarely merged. But with Jake’s recent success he’d been asked to appear at more and more varied events, some that Nick was also invited too. The kept their distance and discussed the event later, over dinner or in bed. Jake had actually been asked to be a guest presenter at the awards, but turned it down, feigning a cold. He knew Nick would be in the spotlight and he didn’t want to take anything away from him.

“No. No party. I can’t do a party. I don’t know. Jake…I don’t know. I’m a mess.” Nick sobbed.

“God, Nick.” Jake’s heart was bursting for his friend, his lover. “You can’t be alone tonight, baby. I’ll come and get you.”

“Someone’s coming.” Jake could hear Nick swiping something, probably his suit sleeve, over his face. “I’ll call you back.”

“I’m coming to get you.” Jake insisted.

“No!” Nick yelled and clicked the phone off.

Jake sat staring in stunned surprise at the mute receiver. Nick had never shouted at Jake like that before in the whole time they’d known each other. Something was bothering Nick, something more than just performing without Kevin. Even though they hadn’t been together for some time, Nick and Jake had discussed Kevin’s departure from the group during their constant phone conversations. Nick had told Jake he knew it would be hard to perform without Kevin the first few times, but he felt confident they could do it. Jake knew they could too and he knew Nick would be fine. Nick was strong, stronger than Nick thought he was and Jake could sense the confidence building in him the more the group discussed the future. But this...something was off. Nick hadn’t been this miserable since Kevin dropped the bomb on them a month ago. Jake paced the floor, trying to decide if he should race to Nick’s side where he should have been all along on a night like this, or if he should stay put and wait for Nick’s call. A sharp knock at the front door broke him out of his reverie and he rushed to answer it.

“Nick!” Jake pulled him the house, slamming the door with his foot as he hugged Nick tightly. “Baby. I’m so glad you came to me.”

Nick’s chest heaved with his cries and Jake felt his shoulder getting wet with tears. Nick hung limply in Jake’s arms, the emotions of the night finally crashing into him all at once. Jake maneuvered them into the living room and they fell as one onto the sofa.

“Nick, tell me what’s wrong.” Jake ran his hands through Nick’s hair gently, pushing blond strands off of his forehead.

“I…I…I…can’t. Not yet.” Nick hiccupped as he tried to dry his eyes. Jake pushed Nick’s hands away and tenderly brushed the tears away himself.

“I just...I needed…you were the only one I could come to.” Nick admitted softly, sadness still in his voice. “I didn’t know anyone else…”

“Baby, I’m always here for you.” Jake let Nick rest his head on his shoulder and Jake held him firmly around the shoulders, rocking slightly. “Where did the others go, Nick?”

Nick hiccupped another cough/cry. “I don’t know. The party, I think. I couldn’t go and be happy. Not without…” Nick broke out in a round of fresh tears.

As Jake held and rocked Nick, Nick’s breathing gradually slowed down and Jake thought perhaps he had fallen asleep in his embrace when Nick mumbled something. “Nick? Did you say something?”

“He didn’t even show up.”

“Who?” Jake was momentarily confused.

“Kevin. Bastard wasn’t even there to cheer us on.”

Shit. Jake knew exactly what was bothering Nick now. The one person he’d admired for 13 years, the one person that had always been there for him, the one person Nick considered his absolute best friend had let him down on the worst possible day to do it. Bastard was right and Jake hoped there was a good excuse for it. All he could think of was that perhaps the emotions had been too much for him and that Kevin had watched it on TV too. But surely he would have called or something, to let them know how they did. To let them know they weren’t forgotten. To let Nick know he wasn’t forgotten.

“Let’s go upstairs to bed.” Jake whispered as he stood, pulling Nick up with him.

“I don’t want to tonight, please Jake.” Nick’s voice still held a tear and it killed Jake to hear him like that.

“No, just to sleep baby, just to sleep. I want to hold you so tight and just be with you tonight. We don’t need to do anything.”

“You don’t mind?” Nick gazed at him with those brilliant blue eyes, still wet with tears.

“Of course not.” Jake put his arm around Nick’s waist and walked to the stairs. “You’ve had an emotional day. You need to relax. I’m here for you, for whatever you want and whenever you want. I love you Nick.” Jake placed a firm kiss on Nick’s forehead as they reached the upper floor of the house.

“I…I’d love it if you just held me tonight, please.”

“Anything, baby, anything for you.”