Bec’s words echoed in my head. She was one of my girls? What did she mean? We’d known each other forever. Bec and I had a great friendship. We had been friends and business associates for as long as I could remember. We'd known each other for so long, I could never remember exactly how we first met. It was a big joke between us. As far as I was concerned Bec had just always been there for me. We'd also had a great relationship a few years ago. But nothing developed from that and after some space, we were friends once more and still. Took me until now to realize how much I truly cared for her. I was such a dumbass. Then, the realization slowly hit me. She was talking about the stories in the tabloids.

“One of the girls in the paper…you were not…what are you talking about?

The thought that I might have hurt Bec and not retained any memory of it horrified me. I wasn’t thrilled to find out about the girls that supposedly got pregnant and had abortions, not remembering them was one thing. They were meaningless one night stands, whose names I couldn't recall. And they were with me for only one reason. To have done that to someone I know and trust? I didn't. It couldn’t be possible. It wasn't possible.

“No, Nick.” Bec whispered softly. “You never hurt me, physically. But I was one of your girls, it’s true.”

“Bec…how…I’m sorry..I can’t…” I was stumbling over my words, thoughts racing through my head and crashing into each other. I couldn't grasp what she was trying to tell me. I knew, even with my faulty memory that I hadn't done anything to hurt her. Other than treat her like a groupie one night we were together. Role playing, you know? I don't know why I treated her that way and I don't know why Bec went along with it. But I regretted that and Bec knew it. We had worked through that and were fine. If she was saying what I thought she was saying, nope, it couldn’t be true.

“Nick, I’ll come over, I realize you need to know some things. We need to talk even if it’s painful."

“Bec. If you’re not up to it...” I let the sentence hang in the air.

“We need to. I need to. I’ve been holding it in for too long. You need to know.”

The phone clicked off in my ear and I sat listening to the dial tone for a few minutes before I clued in and hung up my end. I wandered aimlessly around the house, not knowing what else to do while I waited for Bec to arrive. I tossed some dishes in the sink, moved things around on the counter, and picked up some scattered clothes – Dani’s and mine, and fed the fish. Stupid, meaningless things meant to make time pass quickly; except for me time was moving as slowly as molasses. I was dreading Bec’s arrival and yet eagerly looking forward to it at the same time.

Finally, Bec entered the front foyer, announcing her appearance by closing the door with a slight click. She looked as terrible as I probably did. Her eyes were red rimmed, she’d obviously been crying, her hair was dull and unbrushed, her clothes were wrinkled and had that slept in look. I wondered briefly if she had even been in the office over the past few days or if the girls there had been handing me a line.

“Bec.” I held my arms out, but she shrugged and pushed past, curling up in the corner of the couch. It was her comfort zone.

“Where’s Dani?”

“Sleeping. We painted her room today.” I beamed with pride. I was still pleased with my decorating skills.

Bec's eyes flew open wide, a look of pure panic. “And you’ve got her sleeping in there?” She was halfway up the stairs before I could answer.

“What? Don’t wake her up, dammit!” I raced up the stairs two at time behind her, trying to catch up.

Bec emerged from Dani’s room, with Dani wailing her head off in her arms.

“Why did you wake her up?” I demanded. “She was having a great sleep.”

Bec handed my wriggling, screaming daughter to me and entered Dani’s room once more. I stood in the hallway, dumbfounded, as Dani continued to holler.

“Don’t you have a portable playpen or anything?” Bec was beside me once more.

“I don’t think so,” I shrugged.

“Okay, take her downstairs and let her sleep with you tonight.” Bec started down the stairs and left me in confusion. "I need to find a fan or something."

“What the hell was that all about?” I confronted her when Dani and I sat down. Dani was slowing down to a hiccough-y cry, her little face beet red from her crying and upset over her disruption in sleep. “I asked you what the hell that was about! Dani needs her sleep!”

“Ever heard of paint fumes, Nick? That paint looks still damp in spots! How can you be so dense?” Bec stood in the dining room, hands on her hips, accusing me.

“Dad and I painted her room this afternoon.” I said, dryly. “We made sure everything was dry and safe, before we moved the furniture around.”

“Oh Nick. I’m so sorry!” Bec sunk into her corner of the couch and lowered her head.

“It’s alright, everyone knows I’m not father of the year over here."

“I shouldn’t assume you’re stupid though,” Bec apologized.

Why not, I thought, everyone else does. “Look, don’t worry about it. Dani is settling down. Talk to me. Tell me why you're upset.”

Bec looked over to Dani and me, her eyes misting over. “I don’t know how to start.”

“Start at the beginning,” I said softly. “And don’t spare me anything. Tell me what you're feeling."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bec snuggled deeper into her corner and I shifted Dani in to a more comfortable sleeping position in my arms. We both were silent as Bec formed her thoughts.

“Okay. This is weird." Bec took a deep breath. "You know most of this stuff." She shook her head at me. "What's the point?"

"Start at the beginning and work everything though." I encouraged her. "I don't remember where we met. You always need to remind me!"

Bec took another breath and started. "We met while you were recording “Millennium”, or just shortly after. It was at a party or something, some official thing. All the guys were there. You had your girlfriend there.”

“The eight armed wonder!” we both exclaimed in unison.

“Yeah, Miss Cling-on, herself,” Bec grinned slightly. “You were trying to get away from her and somehow you ended up hanging out with me after you found her banging some record exec in the bathroom.”

"I remember that.” I admitted. "I was trying to make her jealous. wasn't I?" I laughed shortly. "How stupid is that? Trying to make someone jealous when she's off getting fucked in the john. She probably didn't even give a shit."

“I think that was why. You certainly didn't want to be around her anymore. You didn't even really know who I was, but you dragged me out on the dance floor for a massive make out session. We were the talk of the party, which annoyed Melanie to no end, of course. We gradually starting seeing each other every now and then, whenever Melanie was driving you crazy or breaking up with you for the tenth time. You and I would go out to bars or to dance, usually. Sometimes we just got together to talk at each others houses.

I nodded at the memories. "Yup, good times. You always held my hair when I threw up." I laughed quietly as Bec offered a faint, but genuine, smile. We were both recalling my famous page boy hair style that I had retained for far too long. It always got in my face at the wrong time.

"You asked me to take on the job of your assistant after Kathy left, so we were spending even more time together. Which was fine with me. I enjoyed spending time with you."

"You are the best personal assistant." I pointed out. "I wouldn't get anything done without you. That was the best decision I ever made."

"We work well together." Bec conceded. "Anyway. Melanie was getting jealous now, especially since we were together more and more. It was upsetting her and she was certain we were sleeping together."

"We weren't?" I teased. The guys had always thought Bec and I were getting it on in secret. And we were after a time. But I don't think they ever knew for sure.

“No we weren't, smartass." Bec replied quickly. "At least, not then."

"But we did."

Bec let out a whoosh of air and her shoulders sagged. "Yes, yes we did."

"You sound disappointed. You must have liked it though, you finally came back for more!" I was trying to lighten the mood, to make Bec smile. I wasn't being entirely successful.

“Anyway," Bec dismissed my joking with a wave of her hand. "We became closer and closer. Melanie wouldn’t let you go for good, she had no access to the things she had acquired a taste for without you. So she tolerated us being together, as long as she got what she wanted. I was falling in love with you, I think, even though deep down I was telling myself you were too young, I was too old. I was dumb to think we could have a real relationship.”

“You loved me? Back then?” I asked, curious. Bec had never acted like she was in love with me. We had always been buddies. Just friends. But I had loved her.

“Yeah." Bec recalled, ruefully. "Do you remember asking me to marry you one time? I said yes, but you were higher than a kite and totally forgot the next day. You didn’t ask again.”

“Would you have wanted me to?”

“I’ve thought about that a lot, Nick. I really have,” she paused. “Anyway, we were close and I thought we were in love. You kind of made my mind up for me, eventually. When you started fucking the groupies on a regular basis.” Bec had tears rolling down her cheeks. “I let it happen. I never said anything to stop you. I never tried to hold you to me. Maybe I should have, I don’t know.” She paused once more to wipe her eyes.

“Bec, I…I don’t know what to say. I’ve been a bastard. I had no idea you felt that way.”

"Don’t feel bad, Nick. You were drunk or stoned a lot of the time back then when we first started working together. I'm not surprised you didn't notice. It was a bad time for you.” Bec considered her words carefully. “A very bad time. You were confused about your success, your family, and your friends. Nothing was secure for you. Not to mention everything was being handed to you on a silver platter. I don’t think you knew what to do or how to handle yourself.”

“It was wrong.” I began. "I was wrong. Why did you let me do it? You should have said something.”

“I couldn't Nick, it was your life. I couldn't tell you about my feelings knowing you didn't feel the same." Bec wiped her eyes with a crumpled tissue. "There’s more Nick. But I don’t know how to tell you, I don’t know if I should tell you.”

I tilted my head back and took a deep breath as I stared at the ceiling. More? Jesus, it was a wonder no one had killed me back then for being such an asshole.

“What more is there, Bec, please tell me. I want to know," I urged her on.

Bec took a couple of deep breaths and ducked her head down. Her voice was so low I could barely hear her. “Just before the second leg of the Millennium tour, probably a couple of weeks before you left, Melanie finally had enough and split up with you for good. You were quite upset and came to see me."

I leaned back and closed my eyes. I remembered that night better than Bec probably thought I did. I got smashed, totally loaded. I wanted to forget. Actually I wanted to hurt Melanie very badly and I thought it was better to get away than stay at the house while she packed. So I left and got drunk. Bec's was the only place to go.

"I think deep down you did love her and her leaving did affect you in some way. You had gotten into some drink or drugs, maybe both, I honestly don't remember. I didn't want you leaving in that state, so I got you settled down and asked you to spend the night. I didn't intend to sleep with you, even though I wanted it. But you begged me not to leave you alone."

I did, shamelessly. I cried and held on to her for dear life, begging her not to leave me alone. I didn't want to be alone. She offered her bed, invited me to spend the night and I asked her to stay with me.

"So...one thing led to another..." Bec broke out in a fresh bout of tears.

Did it ever. I've thought about that night ever since it happened. Thought about how she made me feel. How she cared. How we felt together. We were fine for awhile, I apologized for treating her to a rebound fuck, she accepted and we moved on. Then, later, she started pushing me away and refused to talk about why. We never discussed the relationship or that night again, we became less close and only talking business and only when needed. It had taken some time to get us back to the friendly relationship we'd had before. No wonder I was so nervous about trying again. I opened my eyes at the sound of Bec's muffled sobs. I longed to hold her close and tell her everything was alright. "Bec, let me..."

"No." She held up her hand to stop me. "There's more. Please don't interrupt I need....I need to finish. It's time you know." She said, haltingly. "Shortly before the tour ended I found out I was pregnant, with your baby.”