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Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. | |||||
 AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18) - **** The Stars say that you should go donate both of your kidneys to someone who needs them more than you. Expect a long distance trip next week when you fall down 153 flights of stairs and out a 37 story window! ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - *** That guy/girl you�ve had your eye on for the past month has a secret that might make you second think about starting a relationship. Their secret is that they are a 1 ton hermaphrodite from Chili that likes to dress-up similar to John Lovett and sing hard polka in a band called Eat Cheese and Die Bitch, while gulping down large amounts of ketchup and pickle juice mixed together to get this really sick paste. Oh yeah, and they only have one nostril. But hey, you never know, that might be your thing. PISCES (FEBRUARY19- MARCH 20) - **** It's a great day for enjoying the company with the people who love you - if there was any. You have a great bound to feel completely at ease with everyone you meet today, remember that when a mugger cut out liver your and sells it on the black market. TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - ***** Judging by the angle the moon is in with Scorpio, don�t think about eating any food for the rest of the mouth; the stars see that could be dangerous. Also, the stars say a great new way of meeting people is by running down the street will a knife screaming, �I�m insane, I�m going to kill everyone,� buck-naked. GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - **** Today would not be a good day to super-glue your face to the back of a speeding train while tring to count backwards from 63 billion, 374 million, 81 thousand, and 84. Sorry maybe next week. The placement of Libra says that tomorrow you�ll get up, do a bunch of worthless stuff, than go back to bed. CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - ****** The Stars say that you should go out a buy 47 lesherhoeses in every color and variety. Fill that pathetic void in your life by collecting old toe nail clippings from die presidents! LEO (JULY 23- AUGUST 22) - ****** Today is not a good day to dress up like Jeffrey Dahmerand and go pick up hitch-hikers off the freeway. You should stay away from all Leos and Virgos that have leprosy today! VIRGO (AUGUST 23- SEPTEMBER 22) - **** You shouldn't have too many obstacles in your path right now, expect for that 18 ton semi truck that rolls over you next week. It should be a great day to spend a little time doing something fun and creative, like shaving your butt or licking the wax off of 72 hotdog flavored candles! Ya! LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23- OCTBER 22) - ***** Expect a strange visitor today when your long lost twin arrives on your door step. Expect travel in you future when you are rushed to the hospital after your twin turns out to be the Texas Chainsaw Massacrer, Leather Face, and cuts your arms and legs off! SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23- NOVEMBER 21) - * Railroad tracks are a good thing to stay away from for the next couple of days. In fact, I suggest that you lock you doors and shut your windows and don�t go anywhere or answer the phone for the next 3 weeks, for reasons I can�t tell you. SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22- DECEMBER 21) - ******** Today might be a bad time to think about asking for a raise, mostly because your boss already plans on firing you. You could be the one to play the peacemaker in a dispute that will result in your best friend dismembering your significant-other. CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22- JANUARY 19) - ********** If you've been trying to get to the bottom of certain things you'd like to change about yourself, like your over bearing body odor, forget about it because your a lost cause. Any relationship that begins today is bound to end in someone getting hurt. Most likely you stabbing yourself in the neck.
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