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Newspaperthief2000 News


11 March, 2002



9 March, 2002

Our network of Newspaperthieves around the universe has confirmed that pop sensation, Britney Spears has had her breasts augmented.

The former Mousketeer -- who wants teens to be happy the way they are -- has breast implants, but didn't say when she got them.

"She said it's too personal a question to answer," her representative at Jive Records told the Newspaperthief agents. "However, she really doesn't think there's anything wrong with (breast augmentation)."


7 March, 2002

So it seems that my princess Silver did end up honoring his part of the bargain. We went to eat a late night meal at Mel's Diner. Silver was visibly upset that I received my smoked meat sandwich before he did. He's very sensitive to food issues, but in this case, I will side with him. We both ordered the same type of sandwich (smoked meat) but he was left waiting for his sandwich for a considerably longer period of time.

I think the waitress just looked at him and figured he's so "yurng soy" and figured that she'd give me my sandwich first. Afterall, I am disguised in the facade of a mild mannered, friendly neighborhood vigilante.

Thank god Silver paid for my food, I had no bling bling that evening.


4 March, 2002

Today, I had dinner with Silver. Along the Annex neighborhood, we had a veritable cornucopia of food choices, but being the sell out whore that he is, Silver chose to go corporate and eat at JJ Muggs. I would've preferred some falafel or roti, but little whiny Princess needed to eat corporate just because he hadn't eaten at JJ Muggs for a long time.

He was telling me about how he had yet another dinner to attend after our dinner... (thanks Silver, I feel real special now).

During the course of the meal, he also requested extra potatoe salad... so I was thinking to myself, gee Silver, you should've asked how much that'll cost before you got it.)

To add insult to injury, he didn't have any money and I ended up paying $30 for 2 drinks, 2 entree's and his extra order of potato salad. Jeezuz, they charged me for the refills of his cock-acola and his goddamn food was hella expensive.

Silver said he'd treat me to lunch on wednesday... we'll see if he's a man of his word... knowing that cheapskate, he'll probably bring me taco bell. I will keep my fans informed!


25 February, 2002

Here are a few pictures I recently dug out... these idiot F(_)ckers drove their goddamn car into my house... don't ask me how they did it, cuz I sure as hell can't figure it out either..


18 February, 2002

When you see me walking on the street, please don't cut in front of me and reduce your walking pace. That's what m(_)ther F(_)cker$ do to me when I drive on the highway and I F(_)ck them up bad. Don't make me F(_)ck you up too.


12 February, 2002

So how many of you people out there are pet owners?

One time, I was walking my pet weiner dog and this dude came up to me and offered me $1000 for my dog.  I said to him: "F(_)CK YOU! How about I give $1.00 to donkey punch your mother!"

How dare he even put that question forth to me, my pet dog is a part of the family.  Next time I see that guy, I'm gonna roll him for his rice rocket, DP and post pics:)



32 January, 2002



Wanna see a blonde chick with a nice pussy? CLICK HERE!

Wing Salvatore Cho caught red handed partying it up on the 'other side' of town.

27 January 2002



Welcome to my House of Hate!

24 January 2002

We are currently in France *ahem* Montreal reporting from Club Solid Gold... home of La Belle Province's finest LadyZ of the Night.

It's no Club Grand Prix mind you... but since we are obviously anglophones, the fine ladyz have refrained from speaking to us knowing that we are cheap english speaking moochers.

23 January 2002

Today I saw this kid hurt sitting on the lawn of Sanderson Library. I approached the kid to see what was wrong cuz he was obviously in pain.

Other good samaritans were tending to him cuz he was hit by a car.

After I saw that he wasn't in that bad of a shape, I went on my merry way.

There was shit on my shoes. I try to be a good person to help this kid in trouble and SHIT HAPPENS... I stepped on the lawn of the library contaminated with dog shit.


I'll be nice to Mr. Cho if he promises to buy me a lomo camera from www.lomo.com


Prof. Nympho Man Presents: Private Session Vol. 1

Online News Release from Info City

The illustrious (pseudo-mack-a-delic) Mr. Cho will be the guest of honor at UCSD giving a lecture on the history of video games ranging from the days of Leisure Suit Larry to the ground breaking Hentai Video Poker series. In addition to the lecture, Mr. Cho will be booking private sessions for the ladies "and selected gentlemen."

This landmark lecture (and the private sessions) will be offered for a limited time only on DVD and VHS at a price of only $19.99 US plus shipping and handling. All major credit cards accepted, including payment via PayPal. No CODís please.

Stay tuned for more information how how to order your copy today!


Puppy set afire -- kids arrested

3-month-old pit bull expected to recover

Wednesday, January 9, 2002

Two Oakland youths were in custody this morning for allegedly setting a 3- month-old pit bull puppy on fire after forcing it to fight another dog, Oakland police said.

The juveniles, ages 12 and 15, tormented the stray dog about 4:40 p.m. yesterday before chasing it into a vent underneath an apartment building on 71st Avenue in East Oakland, said police Sgt. Arturo Bautista. A third boy, age 14, is being sought in the case.

The injured puppy suffered burns on one-fourth of its body, including on its face, back and legs, and was recuperating this morning at the Veterinary Centers of America Bay Area Animal Hospital on Shattuck Avenue in North Oakland.

The two boys admitted to police that they set the dog on fire, after it apparently beat another puppy, also possibly a pit bull, in a staged fight, police said.

The two boys were taken into custody on suspicion of felony cruelty to animals and attempted arson. They were being held at Alameda County Juvenile Hall in San Leandro.

Editor's note.... I think the little wankers who did this to the helpless puppy should be set on fire!



SCAMMED BY THE BANK

What I thought was a roll of dimes totaling $5.00 Cdn turned out to be a goddamn roll of pennies with two dimes rolled in (one dime at each end).

Some thief scammed the bank who in turn passed on the scam to me... your friendly neighborhood blogger.

I am so pissed.


Master Yoda Rolls!


Our Newspaperthief2000 informants snuck into a Jedi Council Meeting on Coruscant and were able to snap a picture of Master Yoda, rolling, burning and swinging a big bat!

Aspiring Jedi Knights from Tatooine to the Alpha Quadrant once questionsed the source of Yoda power. Now we all know Yoda get's help from Mary Jane!


JENNIFER LOPEZ IS A GEEK

It's true, it's true!

Confirmed on MTV. I was wasting precious minutes of my life watching the MTV USO special on MTV... just sitting, envying the dying cells in my brain... when they come to this troop with anime posters all over his room. Jennifer Lopez came in to visit, and said something along the lines of this... "Oh, you like Japanese anime! You know, anime is one of my biggest inspirations." I assume she was reffering to her acting career.

 

 

 


DAN CHALLENGES FOR ALBERT'S BELT

Nothing personal Albert, but that's MY belt. This title match will be held April 30th, 2002 at the LFC... Laneway Fighting Championships, Absolutely No Holds Barred!!!!! Ticket's On Sale Today!


IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

This past weekend... my Princess and my Queen were by my side assisting me with some serious matters. I want to thank them and let them know that their help is greatly appreciated!

Also my friend Wing (a Canadian stranded in the USA) wanted me to give him mad props here on my page. But here's the true story about Wing.

My friends always ask me, "Dan? Well what's up with this guy Wing, do you really like him that much?"

And I always have to tell them, "Yes, honey, Wing is fine, he does alot of nice things for me!"

But recently, I've come to revelation, Wing USED TO do nice stuff for me, but what has he done for me lately?????


Pictured here is Wing in his evening wear. Notice the human knee near the bottom right hand of the picture. This disturbing image paints us a sordid picture of some type of romo erotic activity about to be enacted.

Fortunately, our GPS surveillance software was disabled and was unable to transmit events immediately after this picture was taken.

Who knows what evil lurks in the minds of men!??


Enough about that...... on with the news!


This little romo is my friend PRIMETIME... he or should I say she... resolved to cross dress more frequently... as stipulated in his 2002 Resolution Manifestor.


News Bytes

Over heard on the radio:

DJ: What are your new years resolutions?

Caller: I don't want any more drama in my life!

DJ: How old are you?

Caller: I'm 12 years old.

DJ: What kind of drama can you possibly have at 12 years of age?

Caller: I have 2 assignments due after the weekend and I still haven't started!

DJ: That's not drama, that's called homework!, Drama is when you have a mortgage to pay, car payments, alimony... avoiding the cops at 2am in the morning after they bust your grow room... THAT's drama!


CHRISTINA AGUILERA SEX TAPE SHOCKER

Christina Aguilera has reportedly fallen foul of an ex-lover with a hidden camera - who filmed a steamy sex session with the star. The Genie In A Bottle singer is now suffering the indignity of having the "graphic" tape circulated around Los Angeles, according to American magazine Us Weekly. They state, "A guy from Los Angeles is going around bragging about being with Christina and showing his friends the tape. It was taken months ago of her getting hot and heavy with him. It's pretty graphic. There's a good chance that Aguilera didn't even know she had a starring role."


BRITNEY SPEARS HAS BEEN SPEARED!

According to the London News of the World, Britney Spears is no longer virgin.

Miss Spears was recently quoted in New York, "Justin and I have great sex....we're just like any other couple..."

The intrepid report known as The NewspaperThief, will be putting together a documentary with hard facts gathered from reliable sources to bring you a full expose on this entirely new and fascinating revelation regarding Britney Spears and her music and most importantly her sex life.

At press time, it was rumored that Miss Spears was in negotiations to star in a series of films to be produced and developed by the highly esteemed film auteurs at Vivid Video, home to a bevy of talented actors such as Kobe Tai, Jenna Jameson, Devon, and Kira Kener. More to come!


DINNER WITH A PRINCESS

Last night I had dinner with my friend Silver (aka princess). He ordered an entree of hot chili pepper poppers (or something like that) and didn't even offer me a morsel or two off his plate.

I asked if I could have one and he said no and said that the pepper poppers were spicy and he knows that I don't normally take too well to spicy food. I'm not sure if the pepper poppers were that spicy.... or if he was just being cheap and wanted to eat them all himself.

He was gonna order another plate of pepper poppers and asked the cute waitress, "What does this plate of pepper poppers cost?" The cute waitress said that it was $5.95 plus tax (emphasis on the tax). Silver then declined an order of the pepper poppers and got an ice tea instead.

What a cheapskate.

 


The Man Code

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"

"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"

"Another set and we can hit the showers."

Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

29. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

30. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye,and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.





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