Losers

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Last day on Earth 2:15:00 PM ET

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ROMO NEWS 12/19/2001

From Jiddu Krishnamurti.... NO HE'S NOT A HARI KRISHA.....

"do you know what it means to depend on somebody for your happiness? it os not the mere physical dependence on another which is so binding, but the inward, psychological dependence from which you derive so called happiness; for when you depend on somebody... in that way, you become a slave.

do you know what it means to love somebody?... most of us... we don't know what that means at all becuz our love is always hedged about with anxiety, jealously, fear... which implies that we depend inwardly on another, we want to be love..... we don't just love and leave it there, but we ask something in return: and that in that very asking, we become dependant.

Love is not a reaction. if i love you because you love me, that is a mere trade. a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love.

To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something and it is only such love that can know freedom..."

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I got this off AsianAvenue.com... I didn't write this so I do not take credit for it...

ALTHOUGH IT'S WRITTEN FROM A GUY'S P.O.V., THE ADVICE WORKS FOR EVERYBODY, READ ON:)

LOVE IN A 10 BLOCK RADIUS

You`re in love with her, she`s in love with you, and everything`s smooth sailing in heart-shaped jacuzzis. Then suddenly, BOOM--at the slam of a door, the click of a phone (or even the closing of an AIM window) she`s gone, it`s over. You`ve just been dumped. Crushed.

Know the feeling? I`m not talking, like, you dated some chick for a couple months and she ditched you and you felt lame; I`m talking you`ve been drop-kicked from a serious relationship with a woman you were in love with, and now your food tastes like fax paper and you spend all day naked in front of the window, counting clouds.

Everyone`s got a different system for Breakup Recovery; mine may or may not work for you. And I know most guys wouldn`t follow relationship advice they got on the Internet, but then again, most guys secretly enjoy smelling their own farts. So here it is.

PART 1: HOUSECLEANING

Getting rid of evidence: Pretend your ex-girlfriend is the Mafia, and the Feds are on the way to your apartment. You`ve gotta erase all traces of her.

First things first, go in your bathroom and throw her toothbrush away. Shampoo, conditioner, those fruity little soaps, the Tampax, all of it. Trust me, she`s not coming back for it, there`s a pharmacy full of this crap right around the corner from her.

NOTE: Do not open and smell the shampoo to remind yourself of her. (Because if you do that for too long, it makes you kind of dizzy.)

Thoroughly inspect sheets/pillowcases for all errant strands of her hair and dispose of them. Those pesky mnemonic bastards will turn up for months if you don`t.

Hiding documentation: Gather all photographic/video proof that you ever knew this woman and put it in a box, along with any birthday cards or letters from her.

NOTE: Some people like to throw the photos out or burn them, but any normal, healthy adult will realize there`s some value in saving that stuff. You know, like if she gets famous or something.

The box goes in the back of the closet or someplace dusty; anyplace you`re not liable to stumble across it and suffer emotionally crippling flashbacks while searching for winter socks, etc.

PAL #1: What happened to Rain? PAL #2: I dunno. He went in the closet to get his baseball mitt and now he`s standing naked in front of the window, counting clouds.

Exchanging hostages: Clothes and CDs are stuff that chicks will come back for. If she`s left any lying around, put it all in a box and leave it near the front door for the eventual exchange. And stop smelling her sweaters, freak.

NOTE: If she doesn`t ask for her stuff within a month...eBay. Covering the trail: Go ahead and take her number off the speed-dial. Replace it with the number for Domino`s, Dial-a-Joke, 1-900-ASSMANN, whatever; just get it out of there. Mass e-mail list, ditto.

PART 2: INTERNAL AFFAIRS

Now that you`ve minimized the memory of her, and hopefully her role in your old life, you`ve got to sort things out in your head.

Communications Blackout: During the recovery period never, ever give in to the temptation to contact her. When you`re upset and irrational, you`ll blurt something you`ll regret, and you`ll end up either getting married or arrested.

Venting: You`ve got to get it out somehow, so write her a print letter you`ll never send. In the letter, tell her exactly how you feel, no matter how petty and psychotic. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT SEND IT--if you do, in an hour you`ll be back at the mailbox with a mask and a blowtorch.

Temper, Temper: The hours/days immediately following a serious breakup are an emotionally volatile period. If you`re alcoholic, or a spaz, surround yourself with Nerf products. Me, I like to cool off in that room filled with multicolored spheres at Chuck E. Cheese. And if you get banned from the store, there are Chuck E. Cheeses everywhere.

Tears for Fears: Women who say they think men should cry are all lying. The only appropriate time for a man to cry is when he has been sprayed with mace. In public, anyway. If you really wanna let the tear ducts rip, do yourself a favor and close the blinds.

Let It Ride: The most important thing is time. Eventually, whether it`s in six weeks or six years, you`ll go an entire day without thinking of her once. If you`re lucky you`ll even have trouble remembering her name. Until that happens, you`ve got to keep yourself and your irrational, confused instincts in check. You need to recover your strength, the strength you can only get from complete emotional solitude.

Remember, after a bad breakup, there are only two possible outcomes for you: you`ll either come out of it a better person, or a worse person. What`s it gonna be?

POST-BREAKUP EMOTIONAL PHASES:

Shock: "What happened?"
Denial: "This isn`t happening."
Depression: "This sucks."
Anger: "No, she sucks."
Confusion: "Or...maybe I suck."
Grim Acceptance: "Well, something sucks."
Random Misguided Horniness:
"Do I still have that porno tape?"
Mental Retardation: "I`m ready to date again."

ADDITIONAL AIDS TO RECOVERY:

The proper combination of loud music and soft music

Playstation 2
War movies
Spending time in prison
Hard labor, e.g. cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing your sneaker soles, reading the Village Voice

THINGS TO AVOID DURING THE RECOVERY PERIOD:

Too much alcohol
Sex with strangers
Anything starring Meg Ryan
Arguments with lesbians
Experimental masturbation techniques involving computers and bulky headgear

THINGS THAT WON`T ACTUALLY MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER:

Pranking her house
Pornography
Hard drugs
Picking fights at bars on the Lower East Side Eating an entire bottle of Flintstones vitamins just to see what happens to you
Re-recording the outgoing message on your answering machine in an upbeat voice so that if she calls, she`ll be impressed at how fine you are. (She`s not going to call.)

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Return to the lair of the newspaper thief

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... poor souls have been helped by the wisdom I spread!

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