the history of THE pirate joke

the pirate joke was started late one night and early one morning at nate (of the DOGGS)'s house because of a family tradition of telling jokes whenever trevor (ADLFIII) was around. we combined those jokes into THE pirate joke.  this joke is ongoing and most likely never ending. and, like most masterpieces, it will probably never be complete.  so enjoy what there is of it.

nate (of the DOGGS) and trevor (ADLFIII)

THE PIRATE JOKE of doom.

So a man walks into a bar, and he just happens to be a pirate with a terribly cruel and vicious hook on his left hand that he had just received the other day.  So he sits down and orders grog.  But just then, an Englishmen, an Irishman, and a Scott all enter the bar.  They each order a drink.  Suddenly, three flies simultaneously in a v pattern fly in and each one does a kamikaze dive into one of the three European’s drinks.  So the Englishman sees the fly in his drink, and gasps in shock and horror and cries out to the bartender, “I say, old boy, I will not drink this drink!  It has a fly in it, chap!”  And the bartender, he says “Sorry punk, no refunds.”  So the Englishman takes the fly out, dumps his drink out and orders a new one.  And the Irishman looks in his drink and sees a fly.  “Ah, crap, laddie,” says he with an Irish accent, and he takes the fly out and drinks his drink.  The Scott, who has been listening to bagpipe music all the while, suddenly sees the fly in his drink.  “Ah, ye bloody bastard!” cried he in an ominous tone similar to that found in Braveheart, “Give it back!  Give it back or I’ll skin you!”  So the pirate, he laughs so hard he cries and tries to wipe the tears from his eye.  But he spears his eye out.  He quickly stuffs a sock in it to stop the bleeding and covers it with an eye-patch he just happens to find stuck under the barroom stool to a piece of gum.  He turns to his left and sees a priest and a rabbi.  The priest, he says to the rabbi, “My son, I am curious.  Have you ever partaken of ham?”  And the rabbi, he says “Mazel tov!  Yes I tried it once, just out of pure curiosity.  It was very good with schmeer.”  So they sit in silence for several hours, watching the strip dancers.  Suddenly, the rabbi asks the priest, “Have you ever had sex?”  And the priest, who is too drunk to know better, he says, “Yes, I have once.”  And the rabbi, he says “Such a boy!  It’s better than ham, isn’t it?!?”  At which the pirate thought this was a knee slapper and chopped off his leg with his razor-sharp hook.  The pirate, thinking quickly, rips a leg off the nearby barstool and sticks it where his leg used to be.  Just then, his attention is drawn to two Polish miners who have just walked in, since this bar is coincidentally in a coal mine.  The both walk up to the bar and order drinks, but the bartender, he says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”  But soon he becomes curious and he asks the miners, “How do you see in the mines?”  And one Polish minor, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a book of matches.  He closes the book so that one match is on the outside and all the rest are under the cover, licks the back, and sticks it on his forehead.  Then he takes it off, closes the book entirely, licks the back, sticks it on his forehead, and says, “Dayshift!”  And the pirate, he thinks this is so funny that he falls off his stool and is knocked unconscious.  Just then, a duck walks into the bar.  He walks up to the bartender and he says, “Hey buddy chops, you got any model STJ0709 S-Series Hippie Vans?”  And the bartender, he says, “No.”  So the duck, he waddles out of the bar.  He almost gets run over by a skeleton, who rides into the bar on a horse.  The bartender, he looks at the horse a says, “Hey pal! Why the long face?”  And everyone laughs and the skeleton, he says, “Yo bartender my man, get me a beer an’ a mop!”  And everyone laughs some more.  The skeleton finishes his beer, and suddenly the rabbi dares him to cross the street.  “Well,” says the skeleton, “I just don’t have the guts.”  The pirate subconsciously hears this and sits straight up to laugh uproariously, but hits his head on the bar counter and collapses once more.  But just then the duck walks into the bar again.  He walks up to the bartender and he says, “Hey buddy chops, you got any model STJ0709 S-Series Hippie Vans?”  So the bartender, slightly annoyed, he says, “No.”  So the duck, he waddles out of the bar.  Just then, a few petits schtroumpfs entered the bar singing, “Ding dang schtroumpf, ding dang schtroumpf, on schtroumpf sur la neige qeulle joix de retrouver l’hiver dans son cortége HO! Ding dang schtroumpf, ding dang schtroumpf, on chante la tue-tete, c’est noel et les petits schtroumps ont tous la Coeur en fête!”  One of these petits schtroumpfs walked up to the bar and saw a sign that said:

WIN A FREE

18 wheeler

IF YOU CAN SQUEEZE MORE JUICE OUT OF AN ORANGE THAN ME,

Bob

THE BARTENDER

So the schtroumpf inquires about the sign.  And Bob, he says, “Go away smurf you’re too little to win and I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends.”  Just then, the duck walks back into the bar and he says, “Hey buddy chops, you got any model STJ0709 S-Series Hippie Vans?”  So the bartender, REALLY PISSED OFF, he says, “No you bum and if you ask me one more time I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”  So the duck, he waddles out of the bar.  And the schtroumpf, he says, “You wimp, I could beat you any day!”  So the bartender, he picks and orange off a nearby tree and squeezes the orange until it’s the size of a pea in a pod with 7 other peas that was in 5-day old porridge that smelled like it came out of pig slop from farmer Joe’s farm, which was down the road from old McDonald’s, who was a direct line male descendant of Attila the Hun, who was by far the greatest hun Mongolia had ever seen.  Then the schtroumpf, he takes that orange and he squeezes another gallon of juice out of it.  So the schtroumpf takes the 18 wheeler and the bartender, he says, “Ah shiznit!  How’d you do that!”  And the schtroumpf, he says, “I’m an IRS agent.”  And the pirate he wakes up and, feeling sick, stumbles off into the little boys room.