Day 8, Wednesday Evictions
At breakfast, the early birds are surprised to find a large cardboard box on the table.
Dumbledore(inspecting box in front of him): Draco.... this seems to be addressed to you.
Draco: Whatever could that be.. (He opens it cautiously, and stops confused once he can see the contents.) What is this?
Harry(looks over his shoulder): packing peanuts. Dig down, and you'll find something.
Draco: "packing peanuts"? - "playdough"! - Don't these muggles EAT their food???!
Harry(aughs in spite of himself): - it's just called that because they look like peanuts.
Draco(as he sticks his arm in the box): And what do they call their foods - rocks? mud? bronze candelabras? --
Harry(frowns) I actually have heard of mud pie... and they take drinks on the rocks.. Oh dear... (trails off, concerned)
Draco(more interested in the box): oh! (pulls out a bottle) MY HAIR CARE PRODUCTS HAVE ARRIVED!
Harry: what?! - the hair care products you were asking me about? How'd you order them? (what sort of question is that to ask a Malfoy?) How'd you know to order them?
Draco: How'd I know? (admires bottles as he assembles them on the table) If you had this head of hair you'd know too.
Dumbledore: Now then, Draco - tell us what all this is.
Draco: Well, er... this is a conditioner... (In the spirit of all reality shows, TheAuthor will not disclose the actual brand names of said hair care products, but assures you that they are Very Good, and should be purchased at one's earliest convenience.)
Harry: How did you get these, Malfoy?
Draco: I told Big Brother that I'm not about to go around on a reality TV show - whatever that may be - with my hair in THIS condition! (pulls at his blond locks irritably)
Harry(total disbelief): And they sent you some???
BigBrother: Do not question the ways of Big Brother, Mr. Potter.
(Within the hour all the housemates have assembled at the table and Big Brother makes its fatal announcement.)
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES! This is Big Brother! Today is Wednesday, Eviction Day. We report that Dolores Umbridge has been voted off by a large margin!
(quick pan around the table: Umbridge looks appalled; Lupin, Tonks, Hermione, and Harry try to hide their pleasure while Black and Ron grin openly. Voldemort and Snape are expressionless, and the Malfoys wear their usual expression of aristocratic ennui, perhaps tinged with disappointment. Dumbledore seems appropriately solemn.) With no intentions of dramatic irony, we would like to point out that Albus Dumbledore received two votes, and Tom Riddle received ZERO votes.
(At this Dumbledore glares down the table at Voldemort, who grins back at him from the opposite end - they suddenly break out into raucous laughter.)
Dumbledore: You haven't forgotten our deal after all, Tom!
Voldemort: I suggested it, you old bat!
Dumbledore: Ah, yes, I suppose you did!
BigBrother: NO MERRYMAKING DURING OUR ANNOUNCEMENT! Miss Umbridge, you have one hour to pack and leave! That is all!
Umbridge: hem! I suppose I'd ...better pack... (stumbles hastily from table)
For some reason, the rest of breakfast seems to go surprisingly well....
After Umbridge's departure, the house settles into quiet. At least for a short while. Hermione is in the den reading Hogwarts: The Untold History and frowning skeptically at its content. Enter Ron, rather embarrassed. His motions are awkward and he speaks hesitantly.
Ron: er.. Hey.. Hermione
Hermione(looks up and assumes the worst): .... yes?
Ron: I .. had a question to ask.
Hermione: well?
Ron: How do these muggles clean their laundry?
Hermione: .. Well, there's a machine.. you put the clothes in - and the detergent (she notes his confused expression and changes plans) Oh come on - I'll show you - where's your stuff?
Ron: er.. I'll get it. (exit)
Sirius Black has made a discovery.
Black(standing in front of camera): ahhhh, this is the room Harry was talking about! I don't see anything for writing - oh.. it's through this, isn't it? (walks right up to camera and looks into it, blocking all vision) Hm. Muggle technology. (stands back, straightens shoulders, and rustles hair) Hello, audience! Sirius here.. but I guess you knew that. (smiles dashingly) I ehr- hm, "Diary" -yes, I like the house! (looks around) Well, this room isn't perhaps the best furnished of the bunch, but er.. It's a good house. And the food's fine - (leans in conspiratorially) as long as Albus isn't cooking, that is - don't tell him - he's a dear old soul, but he doesn't have the magic touch in the kitchen. (winks) And everyone else seems all right too, especially now that Umbitch is gone. Oh! did I say that? (puts hand to mouth in mock concern).....
Elsewhere in the house, Snape sits in the living room (in Lucius Malfoy's favorite part of the sofa) and leans forward, arms propped on his knees. He gives all the appearance of being deep in thought. Enter Voldemort.
Voldemort: Ah, Severus.. just the fellow I was looking for..
(Snape glances up)
Voldemort: What are you thinking about so intently?
Snape: ... Might you guess..
Voldemort: (eyes narrow ever so slightly then return to normal) Actually, I came in to ask if you would join me for a game of Tiddlywinks...?
Snape: Of course.
In the laundry room, Hermione is lecturing on the mechanics of the washing machine to Ron.
Hermione: Now the newer models don't dump water into the sink -- but in this case, when it rinses, the excess water comes out here. (points to a black tube that hangs over the sink)
Ron: what happens when its not next to a sink?
Hermione: Well - they're built that way. But anyway, as long as you don't have something in the sink, it's not a problem. Ok?
Ron: Ok. So now I just wait?
Hermione: Yes.
Ron: Want to play a game of chess then?
Hermione: Fine, but you always beat me.
Back in the Diary Room:
Black: (is now leaning back in the chair, hands behind head) And of course there will be retaliation for that!... dimwit Malfoys think they're going to get away with singeing my bed! I tell you when there's fire in MY bed it's not because some punk pureblood dropped his smoking paraphernalia on it - that's for sure!
The Tiddlywinks tournament is underway at the kitchen table.
Voldemort: You squopped my BLUE!
Snape: .. I'm terribly sorry.. Why do you think Albus always beats me at this game?
Voldemort: I don't know how he can if you're squopping him out all the time! (shoots, gets a wink in the pot)
Snape: ..May I comment.. that you seem to take this game quite seriously?
Voldemort(as if righteously offended): One's pride and personal honour is at stake during a tiddlywinks game.
Snape: (shoots a wink, it flips off the pot and lands on another of Voldemort's) Oops. I squopped again.
Voldemort: NOW you're doing it on purpose! Damn it, fool -
Snape: I assure you I am not.. I couldn't aim that well.
(From the door nearest the refrigerator, enter Lucius Malfoy - he freezes midstep when he realizes his table is occupied by none other than Lord Voldemort and Snape. A Malfoy can't be caught retrieving his own ice cream sandwiches - what would the Dark Lord say? He turns to go with painstaking quiet-)
Voldemort(hint of triumph): Ahh, Lucius, my dear...
Lucius(damn): Ah.. you have eyes in the back of your head, my Lord?
Voldemort(cheerfully enough): Not at present - no need with you stumbling about like an elephant in a pit full of glass shards.
Lucius:... (sees Snape turn around to face him) You don't look surprised either, Severus...(more bitingly) But then, you never do...
Snape: On the contrary, I was quite surprised to learn that you were the owner of those handcuffs the other day.
Lucius: .. ah..(trying not to appear as chagrinned as he feels)
Voldemort: Oh, those were yours? (chuckles) ... Just stop talking while you're ahead and bring us some ice cream sandwiches, Lucius.
(Malfoy bows slightly and gets ice cream)
Snape: No, none for me.
Voldemort: Right, I forgot.. Give Severus anything sweet and it makes him ill.
Lupin(walking past in the hall): That explains why his potions taste so bad!
Snape: (drums fingers on table)... he's the last one who ought to complain...
(Malfoy brings sandwiches, observes game.)
Voldemort: Good, Lucius - are you better at tiddlywinks than skulking around? You should help me.
Lucius: Your blue's nearly squopped out!
Voldemort: Yes, I am aware - (grumbles to self) and he says he's no good.. wizard who learns Tiddlywinks from Albus Dumbledore WOULD say that, wouldn't he?? hmmm!
Snape(almost imperceptible shrug): It's your turn..
Meanwhile, Tonks and Harry have been having a heart to heart about laundry - the theme of the day.
Harry: Why don't you go now? It's early enough - there's probably not a rush for the machine.
Tonks(skeptical): So I just.. put in the clothes, and some soap and it washes itself?
Harry: Well, basically..
Tonks(grins): ' closest thing muggles have to magic, isn't it?
Harry: Er, I guess so. (shakes head) The things you take for granted...
Tonks(takes armful of robes): All right then! I'm going! Wish me luck, Harry!
Harry(grins): Good luck, Tonks!
Downstairs, Tonks heads for the laundry room along the most direct route. On the way she bumps into Lupin, who is grinning mischievously.
Tonks: Oh hey-
Lupin: Beware the Death Eater Tiddlywinks Convention in the kitchen-
Tonks: What!
Lupin: See for yourself - (they sneak down the hall, peek in)
Voldemort: DAMN, Lucius, you're worse than I am!
Lucius: forgive me - I haven't played in some time..
(Tonks pulls back into the hallway, snickering)
Lupin: told you (they continue toward the laundry room)
Tonks: First Afternoon Tea - now Tiddlywinks, next they'll be out in the back yard playing cricket..
Lupin(pulls one of her robes over his head like a hood; imitates Voldemort): Now, now, Severus, you call yourself a bowler? I'm embarrassed to have you in the ranks! Every good Death Eater ought to be able to pitch!
Tonks: haha! you sound like him-
Lupin(hands her robe back; mats his hand down and scowls like Snape): I have no time for children's game-
Tonks: no, no you can't scowl well enough! let me have a go. (screws up her face, sticks out tongue) I hate games.. and childern... (they laugh, have reached laundry room)
Lupin: oh - looks like someone is already doing laundry..
Tonks: Uh oh. Plan A failure.
Lupin: I guess you can just wait.
Tonks: If you will come help me look for cricket supplies..(dumps her robes in sink)
Lupin: Let's go.
(Neither Lupin nor Tonks realizes that the robes are completely blocking the drain in the sink. The minute they close the door, the washer begins dumping its rinse water into the sink. Uh Oh.)
Diary Room:
Black(eyes narrowed, staring off past the camera as if in deep memory): Of course Peter was never the type you expected to do anything on his own - not so bad to have around, though - good moral support - good comic relief, if not always intentionally.. but how could we have guessed HE'd go running off to Voldemort? didn't have it in him... (voice dies away) And I thought it was Remus.. how could I have?
As the kids go to retrieve their laundry:
Ron: Look on the bright side - you did better that time!
Hermione: Don't patronize me, Ronald Weasley. I just don't understand how you can be so good at chess -- a game that requires THOUGHT and forethought! - and you can't memorize simple facts for class!
Ron(shrugs): those are two different things.
Hermione: I think it really boils down to ATTENTION. if you'd give your attention to it-
(splat)
Ron: Uhhhhhh - (looks down, his socks are soaked through)
Hermione: What is this - flood!? (they look about - water is seeping out from under the door of the laundry room.. and quickly moving down the hall. Soon it will reach the hall closet) RON!
Ron: I DIDNT DO IT! (opens door, splashes in) Someone put stuff in the sink!!
Hermione: Pull it out!!
Ron: They're heavy!
(It takes both of them to drag Tonks' water-logged robes from the sink - suddenly a muffled scream from the hall; they spin to see Tonks and a lot of debris tumbling out of the closet - she lands with a splash in the spreading water)
Tonks: Ah hahah!! - OHHH Water!? What is this?!
Lupin(sticks head out of closet): Looks like a flood.
Hermione(severely): And just what are you two about? - giggling in the closet!
Tonks(mock petulance): Wouldn't you like to know?
Lupin(scratches head bashfully): Oh, we were just looking for cricket supplies, Professor Granger...
Hermione: Very funny.
Ron: With the door closed!?
Tonks(to Lupin): If it's not one it's the other! hahah!
Lupin(delicately steps around flood waters): I invite you to give your expert inspection of the closet, Ron. Note the light and large walk-in space, and note also the amount of junk Tonks has managed to pull off the shelf when she fell off her stool-
Tonks: Oh quiet. Help us clean up this water!
Two Hours later, STILL in the Diary Room:
Black(back in good spirits again): Oh yeah, she's smitten, it's quite obvious, but then I've always been good at noting these sorts of affairs. I knew James was infatuated with Lily before either of them did -- Now Remus--
Lupin(sticks head in room): Oh THERE you are!
Black: hey Moony- I was just talking about you.
Lupin: Good, I dont want to know. It's dinner time.
Black: What! Already?
Lupin: What have you been doing all this time?
Black: Oh, you know, what do they call it? diary-ing?
Lupin: nevermind. Let's eat. (exeunt)