A/N: Someone had suggested Lucius was gay.. I haven't quite figured out what Lucius is yet. Or anyone else for that matter. I always think it's most amusing when you can't tell. ;-}
Warnings: non-standard use of word "impotently;" "Hints of Slash;" a shower scene we can all take umbrage with.
Day 7, Tuesday
Morning begins normally enough, but neither Black nor Lupin notice that Draco (usually an early bird) is still in bed when they leave at 845 for the women's bathroom. As they sneak down the hall, they also do not notice Umbridge - peeking out from behind the ajar door of Bedroom Number Three.
Umbridge: AHAH - the culprits! I thought so..
In the women's bathroom Tonks is already done showering; Hermione brushing her hair as usual.
Tonks(on way out): Guys are late today!
Black: I know - I know - he's lazy
Lupin: I'm always sleepier at this time of the month!
(Tonks and Hermione snicker)
Tonks(calls over shoulder) 'fits right in, doesn't he?
Lupin(from shower): All right - all right- that's enough
Not three minutes later Tonks comes running back in -
Tonks: Sirius!!
Black: Hm?
Tonks: I - er - hate to interrupt the shower, but YOUR BED IS ON FIRE! COME QUICK!
Black: WHAT!!! (water turns off; his towel disappears into the shower stall) What!
Tonks: Come on! The whole household's in an uproar!
Lupin(nonchalant, still carrying on as normal): I bet it's Malfoy.
Black: I'm going to see! (exeunt Black, Tonks, Hermione)
MEANWHILE- Umbridge hears the commotion in bedroom two and figures it's safe to attack. She tiptoes towards her prey, closing the bathroom door quietly behind her. She is not disappointed to see only one shower taken - she can deal more effectively with just one. She snatches the towel hanging over the shower stall and steps back, grinning triumphantly.
Umbridge(girly voice of doom): Hello??
Lupin(turns off shower -realizes his towel is missing - he is trapped): u... h oh..
Umbridge: Good morning, mysterious showerer. Or should I say Mr. Black - Or should I say Mr. Lupin???
Lupin: (recognizes that voice, staggers back to the corner of his shower prison, aghast)
--Back in Bedroom Number Two:
Black: WHAT-
(Everyone's there - even Dumbledore, who stands next to Voldemort, both watching with their hands behind their backs. The bed is still on fire - the small flame has now spread toward the pillow)
Black: PUT IT OUT!
(He runs to the closer men's bathroom; Harry, Ron, and Hermione go with him and frantically search for containers that will carry water.)
Back in the bathroom on the opposite end of the hall:
Umbridge: Hello...? It's just me, Dolores...
Lupin(recovers enough to speak, his voice altered): ... Hi - Did I drop my towel out there??
Umbridge(sweet as ever): No, I took it. I don't want any more felons sneaking out of the showers! Why don't you reveal your identity, o mysterious showerer??
Lupin: ... ... towel?
Umbridge: Maybe.. After you tell me..
Lupin: ......guess?
Umbridge: I KNOW it's one of you -- but which one!? Curses but you both have the same colored towel!! (shakes her fist impotently)
Lupin(cowering on the other side of the door): Speaking of towels, might I -
Umbridge: NO! You don't sound like Mr. Black...
(This is quite the pickle for Lupin - he knows Umbridge despises Sirius and if she thought Sirius were here, she would probably attempt to use this unfortunate situation to the best of her advantage, BUT on the other hand, she is very fond of Lupin, and if she thought he were here, she would.... probably attempt to use this unfortunate situation to the best of her advantage. He cringes - Quick! Stall for time!)
Back in Bedroom Number Two:
(Black throws a bucketful of water on the flame)
Hermione: WAIT A MINUTE - Doesn't anybody know FIRE SAFETY??? Just cover the flame (grabs sheets from Snape's bed) and the oxygen deprivation will stop the fire!!
Snape: Miss Granger--
Hermione: Smother it! (sits on sheets on fire; smoke appears)
Black: Oh yeah.. Heh.. Good job, Hermione
Draco(bored): Is that all?
Meanwhile in the ladies' bathroom:
Lupin: Isn't it a nice color - the towel?
Umbridge: DONT MAKE ME COME IN THERE! (pounds on the door threateningly) If you do not reveal yourself I WILL DO IT FOR YOU!
Lupin: No, don't come in! -- It's Remus.
Umbridge(back to honey again): Ohhh, and why are you in our bathroom??
Lupin: Ours is too crowded.
Umbridge: You don't mind showering with the ladies?
Lupin: As long as they don't steal my towel!
Umbridge: oh.... poor thing - Why don't I just.. bring it in?? (tries to undo the lock from the opposite side)
Lupin: THAT'S FINE-
Umbridge(flirtatiously): What - so skittish, Remus??
Lupin: oh- you know... accosted in the shower ..
Umbridge: I read yesterday in that book of yours that werewolves are in their most erotically experimental in the week before the full moon - especially as concerns water - how appropriate-
Lupin(good thing she can't see him; he's a peculiar shade of maroon): oh..I guess I hadn't read that far yet..
(enter Tonks, who immediately perceives the situation)
Tonks: Wotcher, Dolores. I was wondering why the door was shut...
Umbridge: e - Hem.. Hello, Nymphadora.
Lupin: HEY TONKS! DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA TOWEL BY ANY CHANCE?
Tonks(innocently): Where's yours?
Umbridge(glares): Right here! You must have dropped it! (throws it back over the shower stall; audible sigh of relief on part of Lupin. Tonks grins as Umbridge stumbles out trying not to look too disappointed.)
Talk at the breakfast table revolves entirely around the firebed.
Draco(drawl): so..... You see it was an accident.
Black: -Accident!
Umbridge: You're too young to be trying to smoke cigars!!
Hermione: Let me get this straight. You were trying to light a CIGAR and you burned yourself and dropped it - ACROSS TWO BEDS onto Sirius's and started a fire?
Draco(as if there is no problem with this story): mm hm.
Lucius(drolly): You have only yourself to thank, Miss. Granger. Your wonderful cat sculpture from Sunday reminded me that I have some fine Punch and Judy brand cigars.
Black(spluttering with rage): YOU - That's RIDICULOUS - Who smokes cigars at 845 in the morning!!!?
Dumbledore: Actually, there is no wrong time for a good smoke.
Lucius: Thank you, Albus.
Black: You're never in the room at that time!
Draco: Variety is the spice of life.
Black: RIDICULOUS!
Voldemort(nonchalantly): That is indeed one of the most pathetic excuses I have heard, if I do say so myself.. And I have heard some very pathetic excuses in the past few years, believe me..
Umbridge: Mr. Malfoy, you should not encourage your children to smoke!
Lucius: It is the privilege of the leisure class, madam.
Snape(under his breath): Along with feather boas and handcuffs.
Dumbledore(suddenly grave): Well, housemates. (they all give him attention, since they always know when he means business) It seems that many of our social troubles originate in the morning hours.. Perhaps we can all get along much better if we stay in bed until noon?
Voldemort: And shower in the cold! hah - you have to watch him, I tell you. He's a tricky devil.
Dumbledore(loses the straight face): Can't fool you, can I, Tom?
Umbridge has decided to put her knitting disaster to use - as a "pullover" for the cat Bertie. She finds Bertie sleeping in the sun room and approaches cautiously.
Umbridge: Here, kitty.
Bertie: (lifts her head)
Umbridge(even girlier than normal): Dear Bertie, I've made a present for you. My, aren't we a cute kitten?? (pets the cat rather clumsily, but it's a young cat, and doesn't seem to mind) Adorable!
Bertie: (purrs)
Umbridge: Now look what we have! (produces the awkward knitting - perhaps it began as a scarf or a sweater, but in its current state it might best be described as "small, loosely-woven red pullover-thingy.")
Bertie: (sniffs)
Umbridge: It looks to be made just for you! (tries to pull the knitting over the cat's head. Bertie, meanwhile, has interpreted "small, loosely-woven red pullover thingy" as "yarn!" and is not trying to eat the loop she's caught in her front left claw.) Oh no, no! Don't eat it! Not for eating! (pulls it out of cat's grasp) for wearing! Now just hold still and I will slip it over your darling little head!
Bertie: meh!
Umbridge: yes! Oh, you're so cute-
(The young Malfoy, obviously bored, has appeared in the doorway. Now he leans against the wall and watches skeptically.)
Bertie: (swats at the yarn again)
Umbridge: no no! Here! (pulls the cat into her lap and tries again; Bertie refuses to be held and scrambles around, inadvertantly digging claws into Umbridge's ample skin) OW! (Draco snickers and Umbridge hears him;) HEY! What are you doing, Mr. Malfoy?
Draco: Watching.
Umbridge(still trying to force the cat into the knitting): well - perhaps you could help a little!
Draco(mulling this over): .. I suppose...
Umbridge: OUCH! Silly - hem - Bertie, now- we shouldn't be using our claws!
Draco(sits on sofa, leans over, hand out): Bertrum. Here, cat.
Bertie: (thankful to escape Umbridge; sniffs at Malfoy's hand)
Draco: Ok. (strokes cat) Where's the - er.. the - (at a loss for words)
Umbridge: The pullover, yes. Here. (briskly hands it to him. He picks up the cat and effortlessly fits the knitting over her head and front legs.)
Draco: All right. (sets cat down.)
Bertie: (very confused, tries to squirm out of the red monstrosity)
Umbridge(slightly offended): Well! I suppose you should go into veterinary magic, Mr. Malfoy.
Draco: eh... I hate animals.
Umbridge: .... But Bertie seems to like you.
Draco(off-handedly): Oh, all females find me attractive. (runs a hand through his hair; scowls) Damn - where are those hair care products!
Umbridge(momentarily at a loss): uh... . Well! Perhaps we'd better improve our attitude, or they won't like us for very long! Come, Bertie. Let's visit the den. (picks up the cat and leaves.)
Late Afternoon; back porch. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy have reclaimed the wicker chairs and are now rocking, drinking, and admiring the backyard in silent camaraderie. The yard is rather plain, but the lack of thorough landscaping makes the large open area of grass seem ripe for outdoor sports. Bushes and trees line the property, creating a fair amount of privacy.
Snape: Or a prison.
Lucius: I was thinking that too, Severus, but I'd prefer not to be inside the prison. Thus a "private" back yard.
Snape: speaking of prison... those handcuffs-
Lucius(takes a sip of his drink): Everyone should have a pair.
Snape: (slight pause) ... I am not personally offended that you should have a pair, Lucius... but when half the pair is attached to me, and the other half to .. Sirius Black.. (his lips curl in distaste)
Lucius: I'm sorry, Severus - that .. werewolf was particularly smug at dinner as well.
Snape: We'll see...