Warnings: gee, at this rate I may up the rating to PG-13 "and 3/4." usual "Hints of Slash" and character abuse, including handcuffs this time.
--
Day 6, Monday
The shower situation continues as normal (meaning Black and Lupin have basically moved into the women's bathroom). Umbridge is dressed and going downstairs when she hears Tonks singing from the shower. She goes to pass judgment and encounters a very strange scene: three showers are taken - Tonks' loud, off-pitched caterwauling is coming from the middle one. Whoever's to her left is providing some sort of beat on the stall door - Hermione is in front of the sink, dressed but brushing her hair.
Tonks: YOU CAN DANCE - YOU CAN JI---IVE - HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIIIIFE!!
Black(ridiculous falsetto): OOOOOHHHH!
Hermione(rolls eyes): That's enough!
(much laughter from showerers)
(Umbridge stands unnoticed in the doorway, confused, but trying to do the math. There aren't that many females in the house - MEN! and she might guess who. She turns and storms off. Action will be taken TOMORROW.)
Around 930 all the housemates are assembled in the kitchen. They have eaten and now that the table is cleared, Dumbledore brings up the matter of the prize box.
Dumbledore: Since we're all here, why don't you see what Big Brother has given you?
Voldemort: I bet you already sneaked a peek, Albus, you old cad.
Dumbledore: Absolutely not.
Harry: Here goes..(stands up, opens the box and an inner package then pulls out.. a young tabby cat.)
Hermione: OH it's adorable!
Harry: er....
Tonks: Cute!
Dumbledore: Well, he looks like a playful little thing, doesn't he?
(Harry and Voldemort are watching the cat with mild ill will)
Both: I don't want a cat.
Black: Why don't you give it to Snape? He loves furry animals, don't you?
Snape: Only when they're in collars and leashes.. (Lucius raises an intrigued eyebrow, but he finds Snape's closed expression impossible to read.)
Umbridge: I think the cat must stay. It's a gift from Big Brother, and you don't want to make them upset.
Tonks: Plus it's cute.
Harry: Hey - er - Big Brother? (looks around, gaze directed upwards) Do we have any of the cat supplies? Cat food? Cat litter? Cat box??
Voldemort: I don't like the sounds of this. Why don't you take care of it, Potter?
Harry: I don't know - I don't even know what to call it.
Voldemort: Good, I'll supply the name, and you can supply the love and caring. His name is Bertrum.
Hermione(playing with the cat): Bertie? - Next animal we win will have to be called Jeeves. Oh wait -- you can't call it Bertie. It's a she!
Voldemort: I don't see how it follows that we can't call it Bertie.
Hermione: (opens mouth then closes it again)
Ron: Because Bertie is a male name!
Hermione: -Yes!
Voldemort: And I think we should make all attempts to escape the hegemonic control of the gender-expectations system. Who's to say we can't call a female cat Bertie?
(confused silence around the table, except for Dumbledore, whose eyes are twinkling�)
Dumbledore(wryly): If you elect him Lord and Commander of the known wizarding world, not only will he improve personal hygiene standards across the board, he will also open many stodgy names to new uses, above and beyond the expectations of gender or logic.
Voldemort: Would you like to be my spokesperson, Albus?
Dumbledore: Oh, I don't think even a spot as Co-Lord and Commander of the known wizarding world could bring me to it, Tom.
Voldemort: Pity that.
Harry: O-K, the cat is called Bertie.
Umbridge: I'll take care of her- she's a little doll!
Harry(seems to be pondering whether he should do such a thing to the cat): Er - well she's sort of .. Our responsibility..
Voldemort: Perfect, Miss Umbridge - you can take my share of the responsibility.
Late afternoon:
Harry has gone to the laundry room, trying to find supplies to make a litter box for the cat. He's left Bertie in the care of Black and Lupin, who are sitting on the living room sofa cuddling it like pre-schoolers at a petting zoo.
Black: Why didn't I choose to become a cat?
Lupin: Cats are good eatin-
Black: -REMUS!
Lupin(falls back in sofa, head in hands): hah! ahh, did I just say that?-- how many days left?? nine?
Black: not enough, that's for sure. Oh - I told Umbridge about you yesterday - (sees Lupin's surprised look) Don't worry, she doesn't believe me.
Lupin: Too bad.
(Enter Ron)
Ron: I think I might have to get a cat.
Black(grins): What's wrong with dogs?
Ron: Too much maintenance.
Lupin: That's for sure.
Black: Quiet you (beats him in the arm)
Ron(sits between them on the sofa; Bertie runs to the new person): So have you guys played anymore pranks yet?
Lupin: Why do you always come to us for pranks?
Ron: 'cause you're the best. (Black grins and nods proudly; Lupin sighs)
Lupin: Don't tell him that - wait and see, he'll get someone killed before this is all said and done.
Black: Remus, how many times have we been over this? No one's going to get killed who doesn't deserve it. (Lupin puts his hands to his head again; Ron laughs)
Ron: So what will you do? - Can I help?
Black: Is TheAuthor feeling sorry for you, Ron?
Ron: (turns red)
TheAuthor: (also turns red)
Lupin: Of course you can help.
Black: Let's see then.. (looks about thoughtfully, puts a hand to his chin - pets the cat).. Ah.. Something involving green feather boas - that's where you come in, Ron.
Ron(wide-eyed): What- I don't ha-
Black: No, but Lucius Malfoy does.
Lupin(amused): Does he?
Black: I saw it on his bed the other day - Unless it wasn't his! (arch raise of the eyebrow; Lupin snickers) But anyway, Ron - it's probably still there - in YOUR room. If you can retrieve it, we can put it to some use.
Ron: I'll go now! (runs off)
Lupin: This sounds promising, what comes next?
Let's follow the adventures of Ron. Once he reaches Bedroom Number One, he inspects Lucius Malfoy's bed. No green feather boas.
Ron: Hm.. where's his suitcase then? (looks under bed, pulls it out and begins rooting through it -- suddenly he hears footsteps - freezes in horror. Enter Harry)
Harry: Ron, er..what are you doing??
Ron: Uh.. whew.. Harry - I thought you were Malfoy
Harry(closes door): Yeah, it would be bad if I were Malfoy, since you're going through his underwear.
Ron(scowls indignantly): Sirius said to look for a green feather boa.
Harry: Oh.. yeah - he keeps it in the closet. (goes to get it)
Ron: ok -- heeyyyyy, what's this? (Pulls out a diamond-studded black choker and a pair of silver handcuffs)
Harry(smirks): Uh oh. That beats the feather boa.
Ron: Think Sirius can use them all?
Harry(scratches head): Er..?
Ron: That's not what I meant!
Harry: oh, for a prank? yeah, let's get out of here.
(they sneak down the hall and hide the supplies on Black's bed)
Meanwhile, Dumbledore has found the laundry room, the vacuum cleaner in particular. Hermione comes in with a basket of robes to wash.
Dumbledore: Hm, what's this?
Hermione: Hi Professor Dumbledore - that's the vacuum cleaner.
Dumbledore: Vacuum?
Hermione(plugs it in): Yes, it uses the properties of the vacuum to suck up dirt. Watch (turns it on and sweeps the floor a few times.) See?
Dumbledore: Clever!
Hermione(turns off again): And there are a variety of nozzles you can plug in for those hard to reach places . (picks out a long tube) like an elephant!
Dumbledore: Ingenious! Ah, they'll think of anything, won't they? Cleaning is fun muggle-style.
Hermione: I... wouldn't go that far.
Dumbledore: I suppose I'll go find something to clean now. (lugs the heavy vacuum cleaner away)
Hermione: .... Poor Professor Dumbledore. He's really bored, isn't he?
The den; Umbridge has picked up the infamous "Managing Moods" book and is browsing through it on the sofa. Enter Tonks - she pauses in the doorway when she spots Umbridge.
Umbridge: Miss Tonks - did you want something?
Tonks: er - well I was just looking for Remus - had you seen him?
Umbridge: Oh, well... I think he went upstairs.
Tonks: ok, thanks. (exit)
Umbridge: hmph..
As she goes through the hall past the living room, Tonks can see Dumbledore using the long elephant nozzle on the vacuum cleaner to clean off the window blinds. She frowns but continues on the way. Once she's reached Bedroom Number Two, she sees that no one's here.
Tonks: AGH! Umbridge! Make me run all the way up the stairs - (plops on the closest bottom bunk - jumps back up again) OUCH - what was that?! (throws aside the sheet to reveal the choker and handcuffs) WHOSE BED - (recognizes the slippers underneath) - SIRIUS! What do you do with these?! --- and with WHOM!? (storms out, forgetting to cover said objects)
As she gusts down the hall she nearly knocks over Snape.
Snape: Excuse me, Nymphadora.
Tonks: Don't - AGH! (continues on)
Snape: Another rosy day in the neighborhood. (goes into Bedroom Number Two, which has never seen so much traffic in one short span of time! - looks around, searching for something.. His eyes briefly cross to Black's bed and naturally he spots the incriminating objects.) Well. (grins slightly and sits on his bed, the bottom bunk across from Black's. He waits.)
Back in the living room:
Dumbledore: HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!
(Harry, Ron, Black, and Lupin run in from the sun room where they have been plotting without the noise of the vacuum cleaner)
Harry: PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!
Dumbledore: HEEEELLLPP! (he has fallen over, trapped under the weight of the vacuum cleaner; his beard is a good 3 inches sucked into the nozzle. Black and Lupin rush to his side and wrench the machine off him - Black tries to pull the nozzle away from his beard, but only succeeds in pulling Dumbledore out of Lupin's grasp; all three fall down in a heap on top of the vacuum cleaner.)
Harry: TURN IT OFF!!!
Ron: Where's the cord!!?
Harry: HERE! (grabs the cord and rips it from the electrical socket. The vacuum cleaner dies down and Dumbledore is safe.)
Lupin: Are you ok, Albus??
Dumbledore(breathing heavily): It nearly did me in..
Black: bloody muggle machinery..
Harry: Maybe you'd better leave the cleaning to us, Professor.
Dumbledore(twinkle back in his eyes): Oh no, I'll just be more careful.
Harry: Are you sure?
Dumbledore: I'll be fine. You should continue with your plotting. (winks)
Harry: Oh.. right.
Black: Let's go inspect the goods!
Upstairs, our four conspirators are surprised to find Severus Snape waiting for them.
Black(stops in doorway): Hello, Severus!
Snape: Black.
Black: Fine afternoon for sitting about in the bedroom looking sullen, isn't it?
Snape(silky-toned): It is. Which makes me wonder how four of you could possibly expect to sit here sullenly... when you have such interesting toys for your amusement.
Black: Oh - have you been going through my bed?
Snape: I believe Miss Tonks found them first-
Lupin: Tonks!
Snape: Indeed. When I passed her in the hall she looked very angry and... betrayed..?
Ron(totally confused): What does the stuff on Sirius' bed have to do with HER?
(The three adults shrug; Harry's brow is furrowed in hard thought)
Black: WELL! Thank you for watching them, Severus. Now that they're safe, you don't need to stick around..
Snape: I'm just sitting on my bed, Black. (folds arms slowly)
Lupin(new plan): I guess we'll just have to give them back to their rightful owner!
Black: I was thinking more of putting them to use - since our friend here is so enamoured of them. (cunning glare at Snape, who returns a challenging look)
Lupin: I don't think that's a good idea-
Black(picks up handcuffs menacingly): Oh, it'll be fun - then he can sit here solemnly as long as he wants! Snape: You wouldn't dare.
Black: A request - you heard it, kids! (dives at Snape - a big struggle ensues; Harry and Lupin watch nervously - Ron grins and roots for Black)
Snape(through gritted teeth): Whats- the --... Matter, Black! (he has Black's left arm in one hand and is trying to wrestle the handcuffs away with his other) Azkaban drain - you so much??
Harry(to Lupin): Aren't you going to stop them?
Lupin: mm.. Let's see what happens..
Black(growls at Snape): damn! - greasy - hold still! (They continue struggling for some time, and before it all comes to an end Snape has managed to put a cuff on Black - but Black has also managed to cuff Snape. The chain is wrapped behind the bed post, so BOTH are effectively handcuffed to the bed, with no chance of moving the heavy bunked bed away from the wall.)
Ron: uh oh..
Black(pulling on the chain, discovers the folly): what - IDIOT!
Snape: You handcuffed yourself to me, you fool!
Lupin(laughing): Now that's what you get for fighting, children. We should let you stay there and think about what you've done.
Snape: Idiot! Get the keys!
Lupin(shrugs): I have no idea where the keys are - those do not belong to me. (turns to go)
Harry: Professor Lupin - we can't leave them there-
Ron: They'll kill each other!
Lupin: I don't know. They can't even manage handcuffs - so probably neither one is capable of killing the other! (exeunt Lupin and the kids)
Black: REMUS!!!
No one mentions anything about the handcuff ordeal until dinner, when the absence of Black and Snape becomes conspicuous. Bertie is sitting in Snape's empty seat and begging for food from Voldemort, occassionally placing her paw on his sleeve.
Lucius: So.... where is Severus?
Lupin(as if this is an everyday occurrence): Oh, probably still handcuffed to the bed with Sirius.
Hermione: With Sirius!?
Lucius: Did you say handcuffed?
Voldemort(rolling this around in his mouth as if its a delectable chocolate): "...still handcuffed to the bed with Sirius..." Wonderful - might one inquire how this came about?
Lupin: Well, I think each one was trying to handcuff the other - I didn't see exactly what happened, but somehow they managed to BOTH be handcuffed to the bed. Now the real question is: who has the key?
(stony silence as everyone looks around the table)
Tonks: .. doesn't Sirius?
Lupin: The handcuffs do not belong to him, or Snape, or me.. They were on the bed when we came in. (Tonks looks relieved at this revelation) So.. whoever owns them ought to bring the key.. (more silence) Ok..
Three Hours Later--
Black: ....had to resist, didn't you?
Snape: Always.
(Snape is lying on his bed; Black on the floor - each one has an arm stretched pathetically to the bed post where the handcuffs are.)
Black: Well now we're in a damned lot of trouble. I've lost feeling in my hand AND I'm hungry!
Snape: Poor baby- (Black tries to reach up and kick him, but doesn't quite have the energy)
Black: Where ARE they!?
Snape: You can blame that on your friend! He abandoned you here.
Black(grumbles): well.. he doesn't always approve of my methods-- MALFOY - I never thought I'd be glad to see you!
Draco(enters with the lazy grace of aristocracy): I couldn't stay downstairs any longer; I had to see which one of you is dead. (adds pouting) Besides, I tire easily of Scrabble.
Black: Oh don't gloat - go get your father!
Draco(haughtily): What does my father have to do with it?
Snape: Excellent question, Draco.
Black: HE HAS THE KEY!
Draco(lounges on the bed across from them - just out of Black's reach): I'm not sure I believe that.
Black: -he does! And get off my bed while you're at it.
Draco: I think I might stay for the show - one of you will be dead by tomorrow.
Snape: DRACO ! Do you want to FAIL every potions class you take in the future?-- Get your damned father!!
Draco(slightly ruffled): All right.. all right. You'd better be mistaken. (exit)
Soon Draco returns with Lucius, who looks about as pleased as he would if he had just been diagnosed with a third leg. ("I'm sorry, Mr. Malfoy, but you seem to have sprouted a third leg.")
Lucius: This is all very tiresome. Who took these? (marches up to Black and stands over him threateningly) How are you involved in this, Black?
Black: Don't interrogate me!
Snape: You can interrogate him after you let me go.
Lucius: Oh, yes that's a good idea, Severus. (approaches the handcuffs)
Black: FOUL PLAY!!! HELP! DEATH EATER ATTACK!
Snape: Quiet, fool!
(Tonks rushes in)
Tonks: What's all this!?
Snape: Oh fine - let us BOTH go, Lucius. I haven't the patience for any more of his insipid nonsense.
Lucius: Whatever you say.. (unlocks Snape and Black, takes his cuffs and the choker off Black's bed) Now then -- I'll have no one rummaging through my personal belongings - and don't think there won't be retaliation for this, Black. (storms out, Draco follows)
Tonks: Er... What-
Black: Don't ask.. Don't even ask...