Day 62, Thursday
Lunch time in the living room - Black and Lupin are eating cheese and crackers; Snape is watching morosely.
Lupin: You know, there are three of us, and three bedrooms. I don't see why we all need to stay in the same one.
Black: (at Snape) You could have Voldemort's old room.
Snape: I am quite comfortable in my current room. You are welcome to leave.
Black: I'm not going anywhere.
Lupin: er... I'm a bit concerned about my leaving..
Snape: Come now, Lupin - do you really think I'd kill him?
Black: No, you'd fail, but you'd try.
Snape: (scowls)
Lupin: I think the mediator should stay in the same room with the mediat...ees?
Snape: ....are you sure that's safe?
Lupin: It had better be!
Black: Now, now, Remus, we can take care of ourselves.
Lupin: If I move out of that room - someone is going to die.
Snape: Look, Black, he's threatening us.
Black: hah! go on, then. Take Harry's old room - see if we're not still alive by the end of the week.
Lupin: Ok... (shrug)
So Lupin heads upstairs to move his stuff into Bedroom Number One. He is surprised to find clothes on the floor.
Lupin(muttering to self): Sirius.. worse than at Hogwarts - you think he wouldn't leave clothes on the floor with roaches crawling around (picks up the shirt - sees dead roach underneath; smirks) Perhaps this was intentional... (puts shirt back down) .. One of them will not survive.. I'm not sure I should allow this....But I'm too curious...
Hours later, Snape sneaks into Bedroom Number Two, carrying a bowl full of some mysterious dough. He glances around - no signs of life, it's clear. He sticks small wads of the dough around the base of Black's bed: some near the headboard, some under the mattress, some at the floor behind the legs until the bowl is empty. Then he tiptoes back out again..
Meanwhile, Sirius Black is trying to work the laundry machine. He's never actually done it before, since he's always tricked someone else into helping him. Lupin has flatout refused this time. Now Black approaches the machine cautiously; sets his pile of clothes on top of it, searches for instructions..
Black: Hmm.. Now, Sirius.. where would these muggles leave their basic written record of their communications... instructions for use... ahh... (searches around, doesnt think to open lid of machine) Come on, muggles... how am I supposed to guess how your primitive minds work? (feels around side of machine) Agh... Ok, well.. who needs written instructions? How complicated can this be? you put the clothes in the machine. (does so as he talks, completely missing the instructions on the inside of the lid) now.. uh.. what sort of... cleansing agent must they use? (looks around laundry room, finds dusty bar of soap, throws it into machine) Ok. Now... uh... how to start said machine..? (closes lid, stares at the dizzying array of knobs) Hm... "start".. what's all this about colors and blacks.. I AM THE BLACK! Er.. (chuckles to self) I supposed my robes are colored, so.... (flips knob to 'colors') And.. "delicates"? I certainly wouldn't go that far. That sounds like Malfoy laundry to me. Hmm. Is that it? Ok, Start! (slams button triumphantly, and the machine roars to life; Black dusts off his hands in satisfaction) Nothing Sirius Black can't handle. (trots off)
Dinner time sees Lupin and Snape in the kitchen at once.
Lupin: ah, Severus- were you thinking of cooking once again?
Snape: As a matter of fact, I was, Lupin.
Lupin: Hmm.. too bad we both would like to cook on the same night. Why not switch off?
Snape: Because I can't depend on myself to feel like cooking tomorrow night.
Lupin(chuckles): What were you thinking of cooking tonight then?
Snape: fish and chips-
Lupin(frowns): We have fish?
Snape: I see the freezer has not been quite the same source of interest since the Malfoy ice cream sandwiches disappeared - yes, we have fish.
Lupin: .... (still frowning).. you want to have fish?
Snape: What's the matter - not in the werewolf diet??
Lupin: I'm just.. not in the mood for fish. I was planning to make stew.
Snape: Heavy.
Lupin: Not especially...
Snape: Fish and Chips.
Lupin: .. Stew.
Snape: Lupin!
Lupin: We shouldn't be arguing about this-
Snape: Indeed not. So if you'll kindly step aside..
Lupin(stands protectively in front of refrigerator): I think we should use the beef... fish is less... perishable..
Snape: Nonsense.
(Enter Black)
Black: What's going on?
Lupin: Sirius - which do you prefer: beef stew or fish and chips?
(Black observes them both for a moment, since he knows that more than dinner is on the line, but he can't tell which meal belongs to which housemate... he frowns, then stalls for time..)
Black: Well... I ... er... wasn't hungry just yet..
Snape: Fool - nothing's here to eat now!
Lupin: Someone needs to know what to make eventually, though.
Black: Well, you two are the chefs! I'll let you work it out! (exits hasitly)
Lupin: agh!
Snape: useless!
(They glare after him in silence)
Lupin: Ok, Severus. Why don't we compromise--
Snape(scathingly): Fish stew?
Lupin: (smirks) I was hoping you could .. think of a more... (looks about for word)
Snape: palatable compromise??
Lupin: Yes.
Snape: Fish and chips.
Lupin(helpless look to ceiling): Does everything in the house have to be a major challenge???
(Sudden yell from laundry room)
Black: MY CLOTHES SMELL LIKE PINE TREES!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE MUGGLES!?
Snape: Yes, everything is a major challenge.
Lupin: What has he done now? This is what happens when I don't help him. (shakes head) I think I'm having peanut butter and jelly tonight. Forget stew. (stalks out)
So Snape cooks the fish and chips, much to Black's approval, although he grumbles through dinner about his "pine fresh" robes. Lupin remains morosely silent as he eats the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The three of them split up after dinner, and it is not until long after they have all gone to bed that another word is spoken.
Black(jerks awake in bed; arms flailing wildly): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Snape(opens an eye): What..?
Black: BLOODY - ROACHES! INFESTATION!! AGHHHHH!! (he springs out of bed, frantically brushing himself off - a black spot flashes briefly in the moonlight) WHERE'S THAT MUGGLE INSECTICIDE!! (runs out of room)
Snape: (sits up, amused)
(Enter a very groggy Lupin)
Lupin: what... what is going on?
Snape: Black is having some temper tantrum about his midnight visitors.
Lupin(looks at bed, squints until suddenly the black moving figures come into focus): OH! What did you DO! It's crawling with them!!
Snape: I like how you assume I had something to do with it, Lupin. Perhaps his habits of snacking in bed have finally gotten the better of him.
Lupin: (laughing) You probably scared him half to death!
Black(returns, brandishing a bottle of 409 cleaning spray): WHERE ARE THEY!! (nearly knocks Lupin out of the way)
Lupin: Hey -
Black: Oh - hi, Remus, didn't know you were awake (turns back towards bed)
Lupin: How could I sleep with you screaming bloody murder?
Black: Little wretches! DIE!! (sprays at the roaches on his bed; they scatter like ants frightened out of their work) NO HIDING! (rips sheets off)
Snape(tinge of irony in voice) Lupin... which one of us is turning cannabalistic first?
Lupin: How many of us wouldn't be driven to madness - waking up to find roaches crawling all over?
Black: Not Snivellus - he's not (spray spray) In the LEAST bit concerned!! He probably LOVES the little devils!
Snape: They can't hurt you, Black.
Black(stomps at one, misses): CURSES!
Lupin: Hahahah ahhh... I'm going back to bed. I hope you're both alive tomorrow morning.
Snape: less mouths to feed.
Black: NO - MORE MOUTHS TO FEED! ARGHH! (sprays and stomps)
Lupin: good night, you two!