warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"
Day 61, Wednesday, Eviction day
Early Morning, Diary Room. Draco sits before the camera, red-eyed and hunched.
Draco: I think this is the only safe room in the house...and even there someone has drilled holes in the door (shudders)... remind me not of that torturous week. and they can fly too.. I saw one fly! what terrible animals. and today is eviction day as well... all evil lines converge at one point.. (looks around wildly) THE OTHERS WILL AWAKEN SOON!!
Lupin wakes up first, around 830 - he showers, dresses, wanders downstairs yawning..
Lupin: A surprisingly calm morning so far.. I wonder if Draco isn't awake yet? (he goes to kitchen; finds all clean) I hope I dont have to cook again... (chuckles to self) When was the last time I cooked? the end has set in.. ironic that it waited until after Voldemort left... (opens cabinet, finds dead roach) Ah... well at least Severus's bait seems to be working. I don't know why they're so anti-muggle. It's all magic to me anyway.
(enter Draco, who looks at the floor frantically)
Lupin: Morning, Draco
Draco: YES! THEY RECEDE INTO THEIR HIDING PLACES NOW.
Lupin(raises eyebrow): The bugs or the true selves of men?
Draco: uhh?
Lupin: Yes, of course the bugs.
Draco: The true selves of men had better be in hiding ALL THE TIME around here!
Lupin: I suppose so.. Have you eaten?
Draco: No (spies the dead roach in the cabinet) GOOD ANOTHER ONE!
Lupin: Yes.. I'm sure this is a good sign.
Draco(sits on chair, watching every step): I think I'm becoming paranoid.
Lupin: I think the peanut butter and jelly episode just hasn't worn off yet.
Draco: DONT talk about that.. (takes deep breaths)
Lupin(amused, trying not to show it): Right, well..
(Enter Snape)
Snape: The Undead has not arisen yet.
Lupin(chuckles): I think he's taken the concept of "Last Week" a bit too far.
Snape: If only it were...
Draco: Professor Snape. (Snape glances to him) I disapprove of your .. crime-fighting methods. We can't have dead roaches lying around all over the house! I went to the bathroom today and there was one struggling in its death throes!! (pouts) I wound up camping in the Diary Room for the rest of the morning..
Snape: .... And what did you do with the dying roach?
Draco: What do you mean "What did I do with it?"! I left it!
Snape: You didn't put it out of its misery?
Draco(repulsed): Let it DIE!
Lupin(chuckles): I'm confused at the role reversal -- (to Snape) Weren't you the one who crushed an offending roach with your fist yesterday?
Snape: Yes, that was a quick death.
Lupin: (sighs) I think this is more of the Death Eater mentality than I want to be privy to.
Snape: That's right, Lupin. You should just stay out of it.
Draco(frowning): Is it a Death Eater requirement to like roaches?
Snape: No, Draco.
Draco: Very well.
Lupin: But Draco, you should be more concerned that crushing bugs with one's fist is an acceptable - even MERCIFUL - method of extermination. Killing living beings should not be acceptable!!
Draco: If you want to be a pacifist and live in squalor, that's fine with me.
Lupin: Killing is BAD.
Draco(rolls eyes): So says the werewolf. (stalks out)
Lupin(glaring after him): These fool kids-
Snape: Give it up, Lupin. You're not going to convince a Malfoy to renounce the Death Eaters.
Lupin: Perhaps you should try-
Snape: I'm not going to convince a Malfoy either. (spots a roach skittering across the floor; smashes his shoe into it)
Lupin: agh, this house!
Sirius Black is still in bed when Big Brother makes its fatal announcement.
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES!!
Black: mmphh!! (opens an eye)
BigBrother: This is Big Brother, announcing the latest eviction victim!
Black: "Victim" all of a sudden!? MUST BE DRACO!! HAHHAHAH!
BigBrother: Draco Malfoy, you have been voted off!
Cut to living room, where Draco is building a house of cards on the coffee table.
Draco: WHAT?
BigBrother; Sad but true. Apparently your professor has gained more fans in the past few weeks..
Draco; IT'S THIS ACCURSED HAIR STYLE! I KNEW THE SHORT LOOK WAS OUT!! (Slams fist into table, the card house crumbles)
Snape(appears in doorway): Condolences, Draco.
Draco: Professor Snape! My fans! Where are they??
Snape(slight shrug): Muggles are fickle.
Draco: AH, true! true - help me pack??
Snape: Fine. (exeunt)
Meanwhile:
Black: AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Enter Lupin)
Lupin: what is all this cackling? Are you gone mad, Sirius??
Black: HAHAHAHA! ' thought the little wretch was going to steal it away!!
Lupin: I hope you didn't. You're going to win.
Black: Hahahahah (covers face with pillow, pulls it away, grinning) Ahhh... I thought he was!
Lupin(sits on Snape's bed): No. At least not after the hair incident..
Black: Heh - which one? The cut or the green?
Lupin: Hahah!
Black: Ah ahahahah! (they laugh for a good two minutes - finally) the green was classic - but - but curses, Snivellus is still around.
Lupin: Perhaps he'll come out of hiding now that the Malfoys are all gone.
Black: I don't think so!
Lupin: It's only a week left anyway-
Black: We must be vigilant! Now he could strike - now that we are lulled into a false sense of security.
Lupin(chuckles): I'm going to start calling you Mad-Eye.
Black: Don't laugh! There will be some incident - MARK MY WORDS!
At the front door, Draco bids Snape farewell.
Draco: And don't let those fool muggle sympathizers boss you around.
Snape: No, only Malfoys have that privilege..
Draco: er.. (looks away) I mean - I know you won't.
Snape: What makes you think I will not be retaliating?
Draco: Oh! Well that's even better. I approve.
Snape: Get along with you.
Draco: Bye!! (exit)
(Snape closes the front door, turns back and faces the living room and hallway.)
Snape: .. Then there were three....
The rest of the day progresses slowly, since Snape makes a point of avoiding Lupin and Black. Bertie insists on following him around, though.
Snape: Cat.
Bertie(rubs against his sleeve as he tries to read): Merr
Snape: I am not your mother.
(Bertie tries to climb into his lap; he strategically relocates the book to prevent this)
Snape: Nor am I your sofa.
(Bertie contents herself with the sofa space next to Snape, and begins pawing at the upholstery)
Snape: There are cockroaches around. Go eat some of them.
(Bertie sits, purrs)
Snape: Then sit still and don't bother me.
(Suddenly a muted thumping sound from upstairs - Snape and Bertie glance up)
Snape: ...decline of man into his natural state...
Cut to upstairs hallway -
Lupin: Hahahah!
Black: DAMN LITTLE! (He is chasing a cockroach down the hall, slamming his foot into the floor at the baseboard - he keeps missing - thump!) they're too fast!
Lupin: Hahaha (falls back against wall)
Black: NOOOOO THE HOLE! (jumps forward to crush the roach, but it reaches the hole in the baseboard in time and disappears as Black slams into the ground seconds later) DAMN!
Lupin: HAhahahah! (clutches stomach)
Black: MOONY! (wipes sweat off brow) They have a lot of nerve running around in the middle of the day!!!
Lupin: Oh hh.. hah - I'm sure they won't continue now that Sirius Black is after them.
Black: Yes! I hereby Declare War on them!! (Stomps foot again for good measure) We won't take this invasion of the sacred home space without a fight! NO MORE ROACHES!
Backdownstairs - the cat's ears are turned back in distaste; Snape rolls his eyes
Snape: .... Well, the roach population should be fleeing in abject terror this very moment. The Great Sirius Black has seen one.
Bertie: (purrs)
(more pounding - this time the distinctive sound of footfalls on stairs; they can overhear Black)
Black: I'll get everyone I see! Where's that muggle cleaning spray! that's probably the most powerful killing agent we have! (storms down hall, Lupin following)
Lupin: Wait - you're not going to run around spraying them, are you?!
(their voices trail off)
Snape: Well, Cat...this is beginning to sound like a comic opera.. When one of them threatens to kill himself, cue the final curtain...
Final tallies-
draco: padfoot&prongs, lupinschic, michelle, aimee, lufia, spacedoutspacecadet, NT, becca
snape: violetfemme, copacabana, vampkitten, urges
lupin: jany03. roseanne